In My Heart

Chapter 13

I drove home in a daze, with tear filled eyes that threatened to spill at any moment but I refused to let them flow freely. I am hurt beyond words can display. No matter the words I use they won't be able to convey exactly what I am feeling. I…. I knew that this was coming, I knew that liking would only bring heartbreak namely my own. I gripped the staring wheel tighter, my knuckles turning white from the pressure im applying. I’m speeding down the highway trying not to crash, or maybe I should…. Maybe I should just end my pathetic life, at least then I will finally be at peace… but no, then I might kill some innocent person who has nothing to do with this tragedy I call my life. That wouldn’t be fair now would it?

“Took a shot, with the bad boy from the block, picked my love right from the start

Mister wrong, he plays his part, back to the beginning, now round two

Try my luck with something new we danced until we said "I do" my luck is bad, no more us, too no me and you”

One love by JLo came on and I almost crashed. My car swerved slightly when I lay my head on the staring wheel for a second when my feelings overwhelmed me and suddenly I forgot I was driving. Unfortunately I quickly realized this and I grabbed the wheel trying to set my car straight before I did real damage.

The more I think about it the more I wonder if she is right. Is there only one love? I mean sure some people say that there is only one person for you; your soul mate the, the only one you can ever truly love - but how true is that? When your soul mate dies, you move on don’t you? You eventually push past that feeling of emptiness, loneliness and despair and move on with your life with someone new, someone who gives your heart that same feeling, the same butterflies, the same understanding and everything.

But what do you do when your heart dies? How do you push past something like that? How can you find that same feeling when the thing that is supposed to feel those is dead? And what about when your heart has been broken into pieces and stepped on repeatedly until there is hardly any left? Is it possible to feel the same thing with this new person with a broken heart? How can you give someone only a piece of your heart and then say you love them? And more importantly who would want only a piece of the heart of the person they love? I highly doubt anyone would; I sure as hell would not.

Truth be told love was the one thing I had left. The one thing that could be real in my life. The one thing I could hold onto forever. I wanted to share that with him. I already fell for him; all that was left was the love part. It was something that was going to come from the heart, something I could give without my parents’ money, or their influence, the one the thing I could give that would be totally of my own. I’m being really emotional now I know. I know im over reacting but its how I feel. I feel like my heart just died and I really don’t understand it because I have only known him for a short period of time. But today I walked out of his life because today his words felt like a knife. Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain and it seems that no matter how I try and no matter where I go it’s always pouring all the same. These scars will stay forever and these words have no meaning if you cannot find the feeling that I feel. I feel like need him just to breathe but the thing is he won't stay with me, he would rather watch me spontaneously combust from sadness.

I smiled sadly at my thoughts.

I got home and head straight for my room, ignoring my parents’ greetings and questioning. I am not in the mood for a round of 21 questions and I might just say something I may regret. I ran up the stairs, straight into my room, slamming the door shut behind me I plugged my iPod in the dock and put the volume on full blast. I chose to listen to Secondhand Serenade’s album ‘Life left to Go’. I walked into my ensuite bathroom with my head hanging low as the sound of Secondhand Serenade filled the air with their exact description of my feelings at that moment. His beautiful voice seemed to glide around the room as it filled my ears and my soul.

I fiddled with the knobs and then waited for the water to heat up.

I stripped down to nakedness and looked into my full length mirror, staring at myself. I took in my body and my face. I’m well built, a good height with not an ounce of fat on my body. I’m well hung and my face compliments my body impeccably. So what is it about me that makes Angelo not want me? What’s so bad about me that makes him want to forget the best night of my life? Am I ugly? No, it can’t be that; people always gush about how beautiful and handsome I am. Maybe I’m not his type of beautiful. In which case that does make me ugly. So he finds me ugly but Hawk Peters cute? No, that can’t be. Hawk and I are quite similar, except I’m better looking. Maybe he’s into ugly guys. Ugh all this thinking is making my head hurt.

I checked the temperature of the water and decided that it was perfect enough. I stepped inside and let the warm water hit my back to soothe my tense muscles. I let all the memories slip to the back of my mind as I enjoyed the feeling of the water hitting my body. I scrubbed my body from hair to toenail over and over trying to wash away the feeling of his touch on my skin. I was trying to erase his memory. I scrubbed and scrubbed until my skin was sporting an angry red color; that was when I realized it wasn’t going to work. I switched off the shower and stepped out, toweling myself dry with a fluffy towel. I looked in the mirror again, inspecting myself. I shook my head, sighed and walked into my room.

I don’t feel like doing anything today and despite the shower I still feel tired and hung over. I think I’m just going to sleep in today. I put on a pair of boxers and pajama pants and got into my bed.

I lay in my bed trying to fall asleep but the images of last night and this morning kept flooding my head. My eyes began to sting with tears threatening to fall, I let them fall freely. I sobbed into my pillow, thinking “why? What’s wrong with me?”. I cried and cried with my heart breaking even more with every tear that fell. I cried until I had no more tears left to cry, I had a headache and I just wanted to sleep and never wake up.

I shut my eyes and let myself be overtaken by sleep.