In My Heart

Chapter 17 (2)

Those were both the best and the worst hours of my life as yet. There's things in life that you have to do and there are things you want to do, saying those things to Randy and practically walking away from him was something i had to do...for both of us. He wants to be straight so bad and I just can’t deal with a closet case, not when I worked so hard to come out. I refuse to be put back in there by anyone, even f*****g Randolf Porter.

*Ring* My phone started ringing; it’s Hawk. I wonder what he could possibly want from me… I don’t know but it seems like everyone is expecting something from me these days and I just keep disappointing them. Right now I’m not in the mood for disappointing people, I just don’t feel like being the cause of someone’s bad day. My phone’s persistent rings broke me out of my internal soliloquy.

“Hello” I answered

“Hey…Angelo”

“hey… Hawk”

Silence

“Is there something wrong, Angelo, cause you’ve been acting really strange since the party. Did something happen? Oh My Gosh I will never forgive myself is something bad happened to you. Did something happen? Tell me, Angelo, did someone hurt you? I swear I will kill them myself…” he said rambling on. My goodness freak out much.

“CALM DOWN HAWK!!” I heard him take a deep breath “Now, no one hurt me. I’m fine, I just… I’m just…I…. I’m fine. Don’t worry about me okay. I’m just really tired lately”

“Now I’m not one to judge but I can bet your lying to me…. In fact I can bet my special edition airforce on it and you know I love my shoes.” He said very seriously. I had to laugh at him, he said it so seriously and what he’s saying just seems so…unserious..

“Well, Hawk, you should be more careful what you bet your favourite shoes on ‘cause I’m telling you I’m fine” I said as convincingly as I could although it didn’t come out as sure as I wanted it to.

“I know that’s not true. Please just tell me what’s going on with you. I’m your closest friend here and I have never lied to you so please, I’m begging you, don’t start lying to me” he pleaded. He is right in a way, he is my closest friend but I just can’t tell him, he hates Randy as it is and he will probably hunt him down over something that wasn’t his fault.

“Hawk,” I sighed “ I assure you there’s nothing wrong”

Silence

“H-hawk?”

Silence

“Hello?” I looked at my phone. The nerve of that - ugh how can he hang up on me?! Why the hell would he do that? You see what I mean, I’m just a huge lump of disappointment. Now even Hawk is mad at me. I hung my head down in shame, at my lies, at my hopelessness, at myself in general. Screw life.

After about 4 hours of numerous calls and texts to Hawk’s number, I finally decided to give up. “I should probably let him cool down, no problem. I mean it doesn’t hurt at all that my closest friend here isn’t talking to me, it doesn’t hurt at all that I turned my back on a possible relationship with Randy or that I lost my virginity when I was totally drunk or that my long-term boyfriend broke up with me and I don’t know why, or that I had to move miles and miles away from the only home I ever knew, but you know what hurts the least? The fact that, I’m screwing up my life so much lately, yup that doesn’t hurt at all. And I will not cry. I will be strong because I was raised that way. I can’t cry over such petty things. I…I won’t cry, I just wont.” I said to myself. I felt my eyes begin to fill with tears. I tried to blink them back but it wasn’t working. Gosh this is so frustrating! I felt the first tear escape and that was it, I couldn’t hold it back anymore, I had to let it go.

I collapsed on my bed and cried as I felt my heart break even more, with each tear, with each whimper, each shaky breath. I felt like my world was crumbling around me and I’m the one who started breaking it down. I delivered the first blow to my own life and now I’m suffering the consequences.

I don’t know how long I had been crying before I got up to go and take a shower. I looked at my puffy eyes and flushed face and realized that I really am pathetic. I just cried over such a small situation. “What the hell is wrong with you, Angelo, that’s not the way you were raised!” I yelled at my reflection “Pull yourself together man! You have got to be strong. You’re not a girl! Men don’t cry!” I whisper yelled at the person who looked back at me. This isn’t me. I have really got to stop watching those chick flicks with Hawk. Just cause we are gay, doesn’t mean we have to be complete women.

After my shower and putting on some clothes, I changed my now soaked sheets and put my iPod in the dock and let myself be carried away by sweet, sweet music. Music is my hero, honestly it’s my role model. I love it. I was starting to drift when I heard heavy footsteps and my maid, Alana shouting at someone telling them I don’t want to be disturbed. What the hell? Who is giving Alana so much stress, she isn’t lying; I don’t want to be bothered right now, I’m not in the right mood or state of mind. Moments later my door bust open like it was the FBI looking for a top 10 murderer, but no, it wasn’t the FBI, it was a very angry looking Hawk. Uh-oh.

“H-hawk… uhh…. How did you..” I stuttered, Hawk doesn’t look very happy at all.

“Your maids opened the door.”

“Oh. So..uhm..li-”

“Shut up, Angelo, just shut up and listen!” he yelled I flinched but shut my mouth. “We have been friends for like a month or something and I feel like I have known you forever! And correct me if I’m wrong but I got the impression that you felt the same! I don’t have any romantic feelings for you and you know that I see you as a brother and you told me you feel the same! So tell me, Angelo, tell my why the f**k you lie to me, huh?! There are a lot of things that I can take but I hate being lied to more than anything in the world! I have never lied to you, ever, but you feel that it’s okay to lie to me?! Huh, Angelo, you think I’m an i***t that I can’t tell when you are lying, huh? If you don’t trust me, Angelo, then I really don’t think that this friendship is going to work! So just tell me now! Tell me now, so I can stop wasting my time thinking that we are friends. I refuse to be the pest in this friendship so just f*****g tell me now!!!” he yelled whilst pacing my room.

I’m dumbfounded to say the least. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I don’t know what to say to that. He is so right and I should have just told him what happened. He deserved to know. I just don’t know how to put it.

“Say something!!” he yelled

I just couldn’t, I didn’t know what I should say… He turned to walk out and was about to head out the door. I had to tell him. I just had to be honest. He deserved it and I’m being a pretty shitty friend by not being honest.

“Wait!” he stopped in his tracks “just wait. I’ll tell you.” He turned around and sat at my desk. I told him the whole story from Nate to Randy, about my feelings and how everything had come to be. By the time I was done I was in tears again and Hawk was sitting on my bed rubbing circles on my back whilst whispering comforting words.

“I’m just a sad sad soul aren’t I? I just… ugh I’m so dumb.” I said when I had calmed down.

“No you are not. You just don’t want to be hurt again, love, that doesn’t make you dumb just cautious. But one way or the other you will get hurt, you just have to find the one worth suffering for, if there even is such a person. Don’t worry, everything will be fine. They say time heals everything.” He cooed.

I just nodded. That is yet to be proven. We fell into a comfortable silence.

“We are going for a walk in the park. This depressing air that your room has is….well depressing so get up and wash your face and we will go.” Hawk announced suddenly.

“I don-” I started

“No, no, no, that’s why people end up committing suicide cause of lack of fresh park air, now go. No buts or complaints, I’m not taking no for an answer.” He interrupted.

I guess there is no use in arguing. I got up washed my face, grabbed my phone, keys and sunglasses and we left for the park. We drove to the park talking about Jersey Shore and how we love and hate the people.

“Pauly D is just one fine mother fucker and Vinny… Damn s**t they are just whooo.” I said fanning my face with my hand to express my point. Lol.

“Damn straight. I would have them anytime and any place. If they were to say lets go, I will just get up and go with them.” He said. We burst out into laughter. I enjoyed moments like these. So simple and sweet.

We arrived at the park 10 minutes later. We walked side by side towards a lake that Hawk “loves” apparently it’s so beautiful and serene. So we walked towards it and while I was admiring the scenery Hawk stopped in his tracks.

“What the hell, Hawk, lets just go there already I’m tired of walking and now you just wanna stop in the middle of nowhere. I’m sure no guy is that hot that you just stop so amazed at his beauty unless it’s Pauly or Vinny but I’m pretty sure it-” I looked the direction he was looking and saw Randy…or should I say Noah with Randy’s head on his lap.

That son of a…….