In My Heart

Chapter 17 (1)

ANGELO’S POV

I’m laying down in my room listening to depressing music in hopes that it will make me feel better. I don’t know how to feel about what happened with Randy. I mean one minute I was so going to tell him that we should give us a shot and then I remembered the look of pity I saw on his face the other day and I kinda lost it. I know I was harsh on him but it was necessary. No guy will ever feel like my world revolves around them ever again; I refuse to give anyone that power over me again.

****************Flashback*****************

“I think we need to talk...” he said to me

“About?” I asked looking around trying to avoid his eyes but I could still feel his intense gaze on me.

“Last night”

I swallowed hard and looked down.

“Look Randy I – I- uhm…” I decided to break the silence. I have no idea what in the world he is thinking but he seems to be going through an inner battle. “I-m not e-entirely s-sure what h-happ-ened last night or how it came to what it came to but I – I am, I mean was a virgin”

“I uh know… I was too. Im really sorry you lost it that way” he looked down. He didn’t look me in the eyes, he only stole a few glances my way then looked down. I could see the pity in his eyes.

“Its okay” I said irritated “it was a mistake and I-im okay with that I guess” I stated trying to make it sound like no big deal when in fact it was a really big deal. I know I am being harsh but it was necessary.

“A-a m-mm-mis-take?” He stuttered.

“Yeah. I mean sure it was nice and all but let’s face the facts it was just s*x after a whole lot of alcohol” I reasoned. “So let’s just forget about okay. Its best, right? No one ever has to know we can go our separate ways and no one would ever find out”

At this point I was just about to break. I felt stupid and like my world was crashing but I don’t want to make him think he has to be with me. I know how it works with football players and Randy is no different. I will not be a charity case.

“NO ONE HAS TO KNOW??” he exploded “We were practically having s*x on the dance floor which in case you forgot, is in a room full of people Angelo. So remind me again how people wouldn’t know. And from what I remember you weren’t exactly discreet last night when you were screaming my name!” he shouted

“Well neither were you. Don’t try to blame this on me! Look im just trying to do you a favor here, Randy. So don’t yell at me.” I yelled back. I mean I know he is pissed about last night but everyone was drunk out of their mind by the time any of this happened so he needs to calm down, its not all my fault, I think.

“A favor? I didn’t ask you for a favor!” he yelled.

“That’s what friends do for each other. LOOK!.... It was a mistake to even come to this party. Let’s just forget it ever happened okay? I’m tired and sore and im not in the mood to argue. Just leave it alone” I shouted growing quieter at the end while looking away from him. I was tired of arguing with him and he is being really mean and I don’t think I can put up this façade any longer. I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown here.

This is exactly what I was afraid of – rejection, heartbreak. This is why I don’t like this talking thing – it always ends up with me getting hurt. Well this sucks hardcore.

“Fine.” He stood up, felt for his keys, wallet and phone and I guess they were all there because he walked over to the door ready to go and leave this in the past.

“Where are you going?” I asked him just as his hand was on the knob

“Home. Where else?” He stated in a monotone voice. I flinched at that voice. Why is he acting like the victim? I am the one who is the victim; I’m getting my heart broken just so that he can live his life.

“I’m sorry, Randy…about everything.” I tried just so that we can maybe still be friends.

“You’ve made that cleear.” he turned the knob of the door about to walk out then suddenly he chuckled to himself. Does he find this funny because I don’t think this is even slightly amusing?! That’s it; he’s laughing at me. oh my gosh, it could only be me that makes a fool of myself when I’m trying to do good and save the world or his world.

“What are you laughing at?” I asked wearily

“Suppose I actually had feelings, you would have just crushed them” He took a step out the door then looked back at me. I was looking straight into his eyes. “But hey, I’m just a spoilt football star, right? We don’t have those.”

With that he left, slamming the door behind him. He walked out of my life, leaving me heartbroken and confused. What did he mean by that? He can’t actually have feelings for me. No, all he feels for me is pity. I gathered my things and called Hawk who was worried about me and said he was just a few minutes away. I waited in that room for about half an hour. Half an hour of remembering last night, half an hour of hearing every moan and groan and each word said. Half and hour of remembering how he felt against me, skin to skin, lips to lips and heart to heart. I was lost in my thoughts when my phone started ringing. It was hawk telling me to come down so that we can go home. I got up and walked out of the room. I closed the door behind me. I closed the door on what happened last night and this morning, I closed the door on my feelings for randy, I closed the door on everything that I had last night that I would never have again with anyone. Drunk or not, that was the best night of my life and only randy could have given it to me.

I walked out of the house with so much effort; each footstep took more effort than I remember being required. I will get through this, no matter what. I got in Hawks car and we drove off. I looked back on the house that gave me so much and took just as much in the short space of time of a few hours.

******************End Of Flashback*****************