Mr. Average

Logan dumps popcorn on Joel's head.

It was around 6:35 P.M., I was texting Scott, per usual. When all of the sudden, I heard a rusty knock at my front door. My mom was still at work, so I recognized the steps going to the door as my father's.

"Hello sir," Victoria's voice, "We're here to see your son Joel."

"Why?" Dad's voice.

"We have a very important matter to prepare him for." Logan's voice.

"What matter?" Dad.

"It's pretty stupid," I heard Helena say, "Don't worry."

The date. It was in two days, and I had everything down. Seemingly, Victoria, Logan, and Helena didn't think so.

I heard my dad sigh, "Go ahead."

Traitor.

The door swung open, and I spun to face them, arms crossed. "I've been expecting you three."

Logan froze, "Woah..."

Victoria shook her head, "Salutations, Joel. It's been a while."

"It's a Wednesday." I accused, "You saw me at school."

She waved her hand, "Irrelevant!"

I sighed, "Where's Kassi, Jolly, and Madison?"

"Kassi's getting dressed for our date." Victoria said, pacing the room. "I'm taking her to see the stupid new Jesus movie that she wants to see."

"Jolly is PMSing, big time." Logan piped up, "She's not very 'Jolly' right now. We-- erm-- didn't invite her."

"Madison just didn't want to be in the same room as Logan." Helena sighed, "I don't blame her."

"Of all the people to prepare me for a date," I said, "You were last on the list, Helena."

"Logan bet me that I sighed more than ten times every hour." Helena sighed, "I sighed eleven, so here I am."

"Yep!" Logan grinned.

"How cheeky of you," I groaned, "So, what are you going to do?"

"First," Victoria clapped her hands together, "You are going to pretend to be Scott and Logan will pretend to be you. She's going to present the examples that will make you satisfactory. We will then talk about them more in detail and you can practice them on Helena, who will be Scott and you be you." She pulled up a large white board. "I will write important things down here."

Logan pulled out two chairs and sat on one of them. I took a seat on the other.

"'Sup, c*m-slut?" Logan said in a mocking deep voice.

"Pause!!" I shouted, "I don't call Scott c*m-slut. I don't call Scott anything besides Scott."

"What kinda nickname is c*m-slut?" Helena murmured.

"The lack of a nickname has to change," Vic nodded. "We'll talk about that later. Continue."

"Well, I am very excited to see this movie with you, Scotty-poo." Logan smirked.

"Scotty-poo?" Helena hissed.

"Uh... Same here, Joel." I said with a crinkle of my nose.

Victoria slumped, "Dull."

Logan straightened her spine, "Sorry, I'll pick it up." She caressed my face and whispered, "Homoerotic chemistry."

I rolled my eyes, giving her a warning glare.

Logan shook her head, "Whatever. I know this cool trick that they did in Africa or some s**t that meant instant marriage."

I leaned away a little, "And... what is it?"

Logan grinned mischievously, pulling out a bowl of popcorn covered in Saran wrap. She peeled off the wrap and threw the contents onto my head.

"The f**k?!" I snarled, leaping back.

"Language!" I heard my dad's bored groan.

"Then," Logan continued, jumping up with her hands raised. "You offer to eat it off him until you two ki--"

"This is a disaster!" Victoria shouted, pressing the heels of her hands into her eyes.

"Alright, everyone shut up." Helena sighed, whipping out her phone. "I have an idea that isn't such a bonehead move. Unlike everything we've seen here so far." She started tapping the screen.

"Who are you calling?" Victoria asked, cautious.

"Zola." Helena said, putting the phone to her ear.

"That could work!" Logan grinned.

_~_~_

In seemingly no time, Zoi was pacing slowly in front of me, eyes narrows, hands on her hips. Lola was hovering near the closed door.

"You think you're something?" Zoi spat, like a drill sergeant.

"Something, Joel!" Lola echoed.

"Well you're wrong!" Zoi said.

"You're wrong, Joel!" Lola called.

"You're nothing."

"Nothing, Joel!"

Victoria sighed, "Can you two get to the point, please?"

Zoi brightened, "Of course Vickey!"

Victoria suddenly charged at Zoi, hooking her hands into Zoi's collar, pulling her close to her face. "Don't you ever, ever, call me that again!"

"But Kassi calls you Vickey all the time!" Lola protested.

Victoria spun around to face her, dropping Zoi. "Are you Kassi? No!"

"Okay, guys!" Logan intervenes, stepping between them. "Let's get back to the helping of lost souls."

"I'm not a lost soul," I groaned, burying my face in my hands. "You just think I need dating advice."

"This is more than dating advice, Joel." Lola said, "This is a dating class, Joel."

"And we're not gonna stop," Zoi adds, "Until you graduate."

I slump, "Exhilarating."

"By graduating," Logan piped up, "Zoi means when you f**k him, right?"

"Jesus, Logan!" I swore, "What is wrong with you?!"

"What?" Logan backed up.

"I'm dating Scott for more reasons than just s*x, obviously!" I said, "Scott is nice and he's funny and he understands me. When we talk it just... it clicks. I want to listen to every word he ever says. In fact, I never, ever, want him to shut up. I just want to be by him and always stay with him."

I was sounding like a third grader, that I knew, but I felt so strongly for Scott that it felt unnatural to put it into vocabulary. My feelings just aren't supposed to be out loud, there supposed to be only for me and for whoever the feelings are directed towards.

Zoi grinned, kneeling to meet my eyes. "You are ready for our teachings."

I groaned, "Great..."

"FIRST!!" Lola shouts, walking over to stand side-by-side with Zoi. "Your eyes."

"My eyes?"

"Your eyes are the window to your soul, Joel" Lola says.

"And?"

"Well," Zoi says, "If you want Scott to get the right impression, you have to show him all of your soul."

"And hopefully," Lola says, "Your soul is pretty damn flirtatious, Joel."

I sighed, "I'm just not sure about all of this you guys; this all seems forced. Scott and I just aren't forced."

Zoi and Lola glared at me for a second, before huddling together, whispering harshly. After a few moments, they break apart, hands on their hips.

"Listen up, Joel." Lola said.

"This is pretty rare," Zoi says, "So you better feel special."

"Obviously, you and Scott feel very... strongly about each other, Joel." Lola said.

"So, you don't need our teachings," Zoi nodded.

Vic stepped up, "Wait, what?"

Lola walked up to her, "We tried our best, Victoria. But it's clear that Joel and Scott's dating-ness is naturally there and does not need Zola's assistance."

And, just like that, they left.

_~_~_

After a few long moments of awkward silence, Victoria sighed deeply.

"I have to trust Zola's judgment," Vic said.

Victoria and Helena headed out the door, but Logan hovered near.

She sat next to me on my bed. "Joel, you better not screw this up."

I glanced at her, "Of course I won't."

She sighed, "That Scott is a keeper. I'm rooting for you two."

I couldn't hold back a smile, "Thanks, Logan."

She grinned widely and began to head out the door. "Oh, and just so you know, I'm really shipping Scoel."

I leaped off of my bed, "Logan, don't you dare make that a thing!"

Logan giggled, "Toodle-oo, Joel!"

"LOGAN!!"