The Tears of Faith (Tagalog/Filipino)

Chapter 8 │ FALL INTO PLACE

FROM THE moment my lids fluttered open, I knew what was coming. It was like a monster hovering above my head.

I’m going to meet people of my past. I've been looking forward to this day, but I still feeling scared and anxious.

I sat up and my hand quickly flew to my head when a dull pain shot straight through my head. Napabilis yata ang pagbangon ko.

I sat there for a few minutes until the pain was gone and headed to the bathroom to prepare. It’s already 6:30 AM. Ang sinabi ni Alex ay maaga kaming aalis ngayon kaya kailangan kong magmadali.

Tapos na akong mag-almusal ay nang bumababa si Alex. Mabuti na lang pala at nakabihis na ako dahil bihis na bihis na siya. He’s wearing blue shirt and dark jeans which fitted him well. He actually looked younger for his age and relaxed now that he’s not wearing usual business suit.

Limang taon ang age gap namin. I am 27 and he's 32. Bata pa siya pero malaki na ang naabot ng career niya. Sa hitsura niya ngayon, hindi aakalain ng ibang tao na nagpapatakbo siya ng isang malaking companya.

And the fact still remained after three years that he still makes my heart skip a beat every time I see him. Parang katulad noong una ko siyang nakita.

He spotted me standing up from the bar stool and he came over. My heart did a triple flip-flop under my chest. "Nag-almusal ka na?" he asked curiously, eyeing the empty plate I had.

"Tapos na."

His eyes turned to me and I had to focus on his eyebrows―anywhere but his eyes. "You call a piece of bread a breakfast?"

"Sandwich ang kinain ko at hindi isang piraso ng bread lang. Kumain din ako ng mansanas―"

"Hindi mo mababawi ang nawalang timbang mo kung iyan lang ang kakainin mo sa tuwing almusal."

Nagulat ako sa sinabi niya kaya napatingin ako sa mata niya. But he’s already walking into the kitchen. Hindi ko inaasahang mapapansin niya ang kakaiba sakin.

Hindi ko alam kung susundan ko ba siya o hindi... but I still decided to follow him. Nasa loob pa rin ng kusina si Nay Julia. Tinapik nito ang kamay ni Alex nang silipin niya ang luto nito.

"Maupo ka na sa mesa. Malapit na itong maluto," ani Nay Julia at ngumiti sa akin. "Hija, kakain ka na ba? Akala ko wala ka na namang ganang kumain."

Alex threw me a questioning look.

"Maupo na kayo, dali. Ipapahanda ko na ang mesa."

“Tapos na po akong kumain, Nay," pigil ko sa kanya at tumingin ito kay Alex.

"Suit yourself," he said, shrugging, then walked nonchalantly into the connecting dining room.

"Sigurado ka hija?" nag-aalalang tanong ni Nay Julia. "Malayo-layo rin ang beyahe ninyo mamaya."

Umiling ako. "Kakain din naman po ako pagdating namin kaya ayos lang po."

* * * * *

I WAS already fast asleep in the car when I heard Alex came inside. I flinched as pain seared into my head when he banged the door close.

"Are you okay?" narinig kong tanong ni Alex.

Tumango ako habang umuupo nang maayos. I lied. Hindi maayos ang pakiramdam ko. Masakit ang ulo ko at pagod ang pakiramdam ko. Para akong tumakbo ng isang araw na walang pahinga.

I don’t want to tell him that because he might think I’m only pretending to feel sick so he would feel worried about me. Isa pa, baka gawin pa niyang rason iyon para huwag akong isama at hindi makita si Tita.

I have to see Tita Irene. We have so much to talk about. I have to tell her everything. Kaya hindi ko puwedeng hayaan si Alex sa gusto niya at hindi ko rin gagawing dahilan itong sakit ng ulo ko at kaba ko para mangyari iyon.

"Fasten your seat belt. Malayo ang beyahe natin kaya kung gusto mong matulog, go ahead," he said as he started the engine.

For the first hour of the travel, there was only silence—a dreadful, awkward silence. It’s the first time that we spent an hour alone together. It was so uncomfortable. Unlike when we’re in the house, there’s just a small space between us. Unlike me, napaka-kalmado niya.

Ako lang ba ang nakakaramdam ng ganitong pakiramdam? Na parang ang sikip ng mundo naming dalawa?

Nagkunwari na lang akong tulog habang nasa buong beyahe kami hanggang sa hindi ko na namalayang nakatulog na pala ako nang totoo. Naramdaman ko na lang na may gumigising sa akin. Pagdilat ko ng mata, Alex was shaking me impatiently. "We’re here.”

I was still in daze kaya medyo mabagal ang kilos ko. Isa pa, naroon pa rin ang sakit sa ulo ko kaya hindi ko matanggal-tanggal ng maayos ang seatbelt ko.

Naramdaman ko na lang na may tumanggal ng kamay ko. Nagulat na lang ako nang dumukwang si Alex para tulungan akong tanggalin ang seatbelt sa katawan ko.

I heard him muttering something but I couldn't catch it because my senses were filled with his masculine scent. Hindi pa rin siya nagbabago ng brand ng perfume niya.

Just then he looked up and his eyes immediately clung into mine. I suddenly felt breathless. Napansin kong natigilan din siya, nagulat. His eyes searched my face and my breath hitched when it stopped at my lips.

“T-tapos na ba?” I asked breathlessly.

He blinked, like he was realizing something. Then he started to move away. "Come on, they're waiting." And he opened his door and went out.

I slowly let go of the breath I was holding. Hindi na binuksan ni Alex ang pintuan ko, and it’s okay because I needed time to stabilize the erratic beat of my pulse. Saka lang ako bumaba nang kontrolado ko na ulit ang pakiramdam ko.

Sinalubong ako ng matinding kaba pagbaba ko pa lang ng kotse. It’s like I’m now realizing the full weight of what was coming.

Huminga ako nang malalim saka sinundan si Alex na dumaan sa likod ng bahay. I tried not gawk at the changes of the house. Siguro’y pina-renovate nila ang bahay nitong nakaraang tatlong taon.

Noon ay madalas akong bumisita kay Tita Irene when I used to learn how to cook from her. Dito ko rin madalas hinihintay si Alex tuwing ginagabi siya ng uwi o kaya ay kapag out of town siya. I get bored staying at home alone so I go here to hang out with her.

My footstep froze as soon as I heard them, the sound of the children's laughter, the people’s voices. They seemed to squeeze my head a little more.

Napansin ni Alex na hindi na ako sumusunod sa kanya kaya tumigil din siya sa paglalakad at tumingin sa akin. I could feel he was getting impatient again. Kaya pinilit kong maglakad kahit na unti-unti kong nararamdaman ang pagsikip ng ulo ko.

"What is it?" he leaned to whisper in to my ear as I drew nearer. He didn't seem to be worried at all―if anything, he was more annoyed. Kaya umiling lamang ako.

"Kinakaabahan lang ako." I lied by omission and he seemed to believe it. Pagkatapos ay nauna na siyang pumasok.

"Xander! You're early!"

I recognized that voice immediately, that it made me stop and took a breath. I waited a heartbeat before I came out of my hiding. And I was greeted with silence...

"Mom," basag ni Alex sa katahimikan. But Tita Irene was already fast approaching with tears in her eyes.

Pinigil ko ang sarili na huwag humagulgol kasama nito sa mga oras na iyon. Because I knew what she was thinking when she saw me. And I almost thought of the same thing. There were too many things that rumbled inside my head I didn't know what to do.

"Thank God you came back!" she said as she rained kisses on me, wrapping me into a tight embrace. At inulit-ulit pa nito iyon ng ilang beses hanggang sa kumalma na ito.

Alex had that speculative look when I risked a glance at him. Perhaps he couldn't understand what was happening, why of all people his mother seemed to be more glad to see me again than anyone else in his family.

It’s because he did not know everything that his mother knew.

Thinking back to all those past years, it’s as if it just happened yesterday...

* * * * *

I WAS feeling strange these past few days. I was often exhausted than normal, I sleep all day but I still feel tired. I have constant headache that wouldn't leave me even if I took pain-killers. I feel nauseated and I vomit frequently. I had no idea what was happening to me so I called Tita Irene and she took me to a clinic to run some tests.

It was an Ob-Gyne clinic. She thought I was pregnant because I was showing signs of an early pregnancy. That was what I thought too.

We were both ecstatic about the possibility of Alex and I having a child. She went shopping for the baby and I started thinking of names and day dream how would it feel like to be a mom. How would it feel to hold my son or daughter for the first time. Strangely, it made me feel warm inside.

But with just one word... everything that was beautiful was gone.

One day, I got a call from the doctor. She said I had to meet her for the test results. She didn't sound so happy when she called and I dreaded we were wrong. That’s why I went alone.

And the first thing she told was ‘I'm sorry’. Two painful words. She was sorry not because I was not pregnant. She was sorry because they found out something terrible inside my body, and I won't be expecting a baby sooner or later.

My world started to shatter and my hope was gone.

I began to withdraw in my shell and I came to a point where I distanced myself from my husband. I grew cold and numb.

He got worried so he called Tita for the result, but she also didn’t know then. She went to the doctor and talked to her without my knowledge. She was a family doctor that’s why she told Tita Irene the whole truth, thinking that I gave her permission.

When she knew, she wanted to tell Alex too but I panicked. Alex shouldn't know. He must not know. That’s all I was thinking. Pinakiusapan ko si Tita na huwag sabihin kay Alex ang totoo.

"Pero kailangan niyang malaman ang totoo. He needs to know. He's your husband!" she cried.

But I would here none of it. "Please, tita. Don't tell him. Hindi ko kaya..."

"Faith, anak. He won't leave you. He will stay with you. You took a vow, for better or worse, and through sickness and health, you’ll be together."

I shook my head hard. I couldn't tell Alex the truth. I couldn't let him see me like this... It would destroy him.

"Do it for me, Tita. Please. Ayokong makitang mas nahihirapan si Alex. He will suffer too. At ayokong mangyari iyon sa knaya. I want him to be happy... please Tita. For me... do it for me..."

And a month after that... I left.

* * * * *

"HOW ARE you?"

Pinigilan kong huwag hawakan ang sentido ko nang maramdaman ko ulit iyong sakit na iyon na dumadaloy sa ulo ko. Ngumiti ako―and it felt tight on my face. "Everything's fine, Tita. I'm okay now."

Lumungkot ang mag mata niya. "Ang payat-payat mo na." She held my hand close to her. "I was wrong not to tell Alexander the truth but I couldn't break my promise. Kailangan kong maniwala na babalik ka pa. At hindi ako nawalan ng pag-asa. I prayed everyday, every night. And I'm very happy you came back. Hindi ko alam kong hanggang kailan ko pa maitatago sa anak ko ang katotohanan. You mean the world to him. He was so devastated when you're gone." She sighed as she touched my face. "I couldn't imagine what would happen to him if you really are gone."

Hinawakan ko iyong kamay niya. "I'm back, Tita. And you've made a right choice honoring that promise. Kahit na hindi yon maintindihan ng anak ninyo... ni Xander... I know he will see why I had to."

"He will..." Tumango-tango siya. "He will understand." Bumuntong-hininga naman siya. Her face turning angry at the thought of something. "I'm sorry about Alexis. What she did was―I can't even put it in words. She was full of insecurities and she's always been impulsive and reckless. She even went all the way to your house to humiliate you. God, what was wrong with that child? Masaydo na siyang ini-spoil ng mga kapatid niya kaya naging sakit sa ulo ng pamilya."

"It was fine, tita," I said, putting a hand to her arms to comfort her. "Hindi naman po sekreto sa akin ang tungkol sa disgusto ni Lexie sa akin. Though I don't still get why. Simula nong ipakilala ako ni Al―Xander sa inyo, ganyan na po siya. Mabuti na lang po dumating si Xander nong mga oras na nasa bahay si Lexie."

"I couldn't even look at her without remembering what she did. She embarrasses me. Parang kapatid ka na rin niya. But look what she have done." Naptingin ako sa paligid. "I didn't invite her to come. Baka dito pa siya mag-eskandalo. I could not risk her outrageous behavior if I wanted to have you here. Kung alam lang ng batang iyon na―"

Pinigilan ko si Tita. I knew what she was going to say. Ayoko lang marinig. "That might scare her, Tita... but I don't want her pity. Mas gugustuhin ko pang magalit siya sakin." I've been pitied for all those years the feeling was awful. I didn't like it when some stranger look at me with pity in their eyes, like they care, and think I wasn't lucky... that I was living an end.

"I understand. I'm sorry. But it's really nice to have you back again, anak. And I'm happy for my son, that he have you again beside him."

I smiled at her smile, but not to her words. Or the fact that she was happy Alex have me again, when he seemed to be so earnest to make me go away.

* * * * *

HINAYAAN ko si tita na i-entertain ang mga bisita niya while I tried to play with the children to divert the pain. But it seemed to get worse and Alex was nowhere to be found.

People came and offered me a warm smile, while others tried to hide their criticizing stares. Nilapitan ko din and mag-asawang Patty at Excel. Excel was Alex's older brother. He’s the eldest of the three. At anak ng mga ito si Jewel, ang birthday celebrant. Naging kaklase ko naman si Patty back in college, sila ni Janna kaya naging kaibigan ko sila.

Ako ang inatasan nilang kumuha ng birthday cake ni Jewel dahil ako daw ang special guest ng bata. Wala namang problema sakin iyon. I was glad to be the one who will present the cake.

Pumasok ako ng bahay para kunin ang cake nang mapuna kong may tao pala sa loob. Hindi ko na sana papansinin iyon, but the voice was impossible to miss. Because the owner of that voice was someone closest to my heart.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang ginagawa ko o kung ano ang pumasok sa utak ko. All I know was I was following where it was coming until the sound grew clearer. And then I saw him there, standing near and facing the window, with a phone tucked in his ear. He seemed serious.

Andito lang pala siya. Sino kaya ang kausap niya?

Pupuntahan ko na sana siya para sabihing ilalabas na iyong cake at baka isipin pa niyang pinakikinggan ko ang usapan nila nang mapatda ako sa pangalang binanggit niya.

"You have to be careful, Sav."

He’s talking with Savannah.

Pakiramdam ko’y lalong sumikip ang ulo ko kasabay ng biglaang pagsikip ng dibdib ko. The pain was too deep it’s boring into my skull. And then, there was a sharp pain in my heart.

Minabuti ko na lang na umalis bago pa niya ako makitang nakikinig, at bago kung ano pa ang marinig ko.

I was already heading out when Alex got off his phone and saw me. He looked startled. "Oras na ba?"

Tumango lang ako. I couldn't trust myself to speak. Baka iba pa ang lumabas sa bibig ko. Sumunod siya sakin papalabas. Everybody started singing the Happy birthday song for Jewel. But the crowd seemed to make my head spin. Their voices filled my ears, they’re so loud they’re crushing my head.

"Okay, make a wish and blow the candle, Jewel," Patty said beside her daughter and I struggled to keep standing while holding the cake with both hands.

But then, someone stole the show.

"What a nice surprise..." It was Lexie. Sneering.

Tumayo si Tita pagkakita rito. "Alexis!"

"What mother? You think I won't let myself in just because you invited that b***h?" Lexie said scathingly.

"Alexis, watch your mouth! This is a children's party!" Saway ni Excel sa bunsong kapatid. But Lexie was intent on humiliating me again, but this time, in front of all these people.

She started yelling and screaming... but I couldn't hear her because of the shrilling sound in my ears and my head started pounding with pain. It was unbearable. It’s like a throbbing evil in my head, squeezing my brain out and I started screaming. But I couldn't hear myself. Everything around me swayed. I went double vision... and this time I couldn't stop it.

"Faith!" Someone called, but it’s too late. Everything went black.