The Tears of Faith (Tagalog/Filipino)

Chapter 7 │ RUDE AWAKENING

HOW LONG had he been standing there? Narinig niya ba ang pag-uusap naming ni Jed?

He looked so grim I couldn't look at him straight. Hindi ko alam kung para saan itong kabang nararamdaman ko. Maybe because of what happened between me and Lexie… but it’s not definitely because of the phone call. He couldn’t have possibly heard our conversation. Could he?

“Kanina ka pa ba diyan?” I asked hesitantly, but his eyes flashed dangerously causing my voice to fade.

A bleak smile appeared on his face. “You constantly surprise me, you know. Though I wonder why...” He held up his hand and counted. “First, you appeared out of nowhere and fainted on me that same day. You’ve made quite an entrance at the party. All that panic attack and piteous look. You’re impressive, I'd give you that. But not good enough to fool me. I know you planned all of it to be pitiful in every eyes of that room. And now, this.” His lips pressed tightly and his face was drawn tight with tension as he took steps closer to me. “I should have listened to my sister a long time ago when she told me I was a fool. Downright stupid for marrying you. And she was right. You’re nothing but a gold-digger, promiscuous woman.”

A knife twisted in my heart and it gets deeper and deeper with each word he’s saying and I could only hold my breath as I die inside.

“Does it hurt?” he said as he looked at me ruthlessly. “Does it hurt to hear the truth?”

I shook my head, holding the tears at bay. “I didn’t marry you for money. Alam mo iyon,” I couldn't hide the hurt from my voice. “I love you. You loved me—”

“Stop lying!” he exclaimed. “Stop pretending that you loved me! Stop faking that innocence! It only makes me sick,” he gritted out.

“Hindi ako nagsisinungaling,” my voice almost sounded desperate. “Do you really believe na magagawa ko ang mga binibintang ng kapatid mo? You knew how much she hated me ever since she met me—”

“Exactly. Maybe she never liked you because she knew what you are, and now you hurt her because you can't own up to the truth.”

“I hurt her because she disrespectfully insulted my parents. At hindi ko mapapalagpas iyon. Kilala mo ako. Hindi ako nananakit ng tao lalo na kung walang dahilan. You know me more than anyone.”

His eyes lowered, maybe because I mentioned my parents. But when he looked at me again, his eyes were silent anger. “I thought I did, but no. I never really knew you. All you’ve done was deceive me. And now, I only see a stranger every time I look at you.”

Something inside me withered and died and I had to look away, terrified of the way my throat was starting to hurt and of the emotions which won't go down.

“I'm warning you, Faith. If you think you can steal money from me, start packing. Because you won't get even a cent from me. I don't care if you leave again and never come back. You can rot in hell and I won't care. You're already dead to me anyway.”

I couldn't say another word. Tinalo ako ng masasakit niyang salita. I could only do was look at him as he turned and walked away from me. It was after I heard a door slammed shut that I collapsed on the floor, sobbing all the heaviness that filled me.

* * * * *

I WOKE up with my eyes feeling gritty and puffed and I realized I fell asleep while crying and without food. Kaya ngayon, sinisingil na ako ng tiyan ko.

Bumangon ako at napabuntong hininga nang pumasok sa isip ko ang mga nangyari kanina.

"...You're already dead to me..." It was Alex’s last words before he left. Even his sister thought I deserve to die.

Do I? Then why am I still here if Alex already thinks I'm good as dead?

“Because you need to prepare them for the worst…”

Napapikit ako nang maalala ko ang sinabing iyon ni Jed. He was right. I had to come back and tell Alex what will happen to me even if there was no certainty that I would survive it. He’s my husband after all.

But Jed was wrong, too. Because the most important person in my life doesn't want to know. He wanted me gone.

But even though Alex couldn't trust me, perhaps, ever again, even if he couldn't look at me without doubt clouding his judgement, I still wanted to stay. But how can I possibly have that three missing years back within just four months if he doesn't have a place in his heart to forgive me?

I know he’s angry. I get that. Because I’ve been there too. I’ve been in denial for a very long time. I denied the truth and pretended to be okay, that everything was fine even though I wasn’t. And that defense mechanism only robbed me of my happiness, my contentment and my life. I withered slowly and nothing felt good anymore.

I became angry at everything. I started blaming God for all the things that happened and I stayed angry for days. Months. Until I realized that nothing will change even if I shut down myself and turn this world upside down. It was there. It happened. All that was left was to accept it and move on and learn to live with it.

I have accepted it.

But Alex couldn't if he's still angry and he can't move on because of his anger.

Maybe that's why he could say those words to me and accuse me for those wicked things I know he undoubtedly knew I couldn't do. Maybe he’s so mad he started believing Lexie’s outrageous allegations and lies. He was defenseless.

Kahit hindi nagsasalita si Alex, alam kong naghahanap siya ng kasagutan sa mga tanong na hindi pa niya handing harapin. Pero gusto kong hilingin na sana dumating ang araw na mapatawad niya ako sa lahat ng nagawa ko, pati na ang paglilihim ko, bago mahuli ang lahat.

I refuse to believe that I was fighting a losing battle. I know this is hard and it will get harder but I will keep on holding on to that tiny spark of hope, even if I get exhausted in the long run. Because I still believe that Alex loved me and he deserves to be whole again.

“Faith, anak!” Narinig kong tawag ni Nay Julia. Mayamaya’y narinig ko ang mahinang katok sa pintuan. I felt so sluggish kaya matagal bago ko siya mabuksan ng pintuan.

She looked horrified when she saw me. “Anak, bakit ganyan ang hitsura mo? Hindi ba maayos ang pakiramdam mo?” tanong niya habang inaalalayan akong paupo sa sofa. “Sabi ko na nga ba't makakasama sayo ang pagbibilad sa araw. Tingnan mo, halos wala ng kulay iyang mukha mo.” Umuklo siya sa harap ko at tinitigan nang masinsinan. “Hija, ano ba’ng nangyari? Nag-away ba kayong mag-asawa?"

I wondered if she heard what happened earlier. Sinabihan kaya siya ni Alex? Siguro’y hindi. She wouldn’t be this clueless if he did.

I just shook my head and smiled at her reassuringly. “Bakit niyo naman po naisip iyan, Nay?" natatawang tanong ko pero pati iyon ay nakakapagod.

“Mabuti naman kung ganoon,” buntong hininga niya at tumayo na. “Eh mukhang alalang-alala sayo ang asawa mo. Hindi siya mapirmi sa isang lugar. Lakad nang lakad. Palaging nagtatanong kung lumabas ka na ng kuwarto mo.” Lumabas siya sandali at bumalik bitbit ang isang tray na naglalaman ng mga pagkain. “Sinabi ko kasing hindi ka nakapag-hapunan kaya gusto ka niyang pahatiran ng pagkain. Hay, ewan ko ba sa inyong dalawa. Lalo niyo lang pinapahirapan ang mga sarili ninyo.”

Pinanood ko siyang ayusin ang mga iyon sa mesang kaharap ko. "Alam mo bang ngayon lang ako pinagalitan ng asawa mo dahil nalaman niyang hindi ka kumakain nitong mga nakaraang araw na wala siya?" kuwento pa niya.

I smiled weakly. Alex acting concerned about me was a nice thought. Nakakapanghinayang lang na hindi ko iyon nakikita. Kaya hindi ko magawang paniwalaan ang mga sinasabi ni Nay Julia lalo na pagkatapos ng mga nangyari kanina.

Hindi ko alam. Pagod lang siguro ako kaya hindi ko magawang maging masaya.

"Ako na po diyan, Nay. Kaya ko na po iyan. Magpahinga na lang po kayo.” Sinubukan kong kunin sa kanya ang plato pero iniwas lang niya iyon sa kamay ko.

"Ako na, hija. Sa hitsura mo ngayon, parang malapit ka nang mawalan ng malay. Inubos mo na ang lahat ng lakas mo sa pagtatanim ng kung anu-ano sa likod ng bahay pero ni pagkain hindi mo naisip kainin. Ang tigas talaga ng ulo mo."

Saka lang niya ako iniwan nang masiguro niyang hindi ko itatapon ang mga pagkaingg hinanda niya. Sa sobrang pagod ng pakiramdam ko, hindi ko na namalayang sa sofa na ako nakatulog pagkatapos kong kumain, suot pa rin ang maruming jumpsuit na suot ko buong maghapon sa paghuhukay ng lupa.

* * * * *

I OVERSLEPT the next morning. It was noon already when I woke up and I still felt tired even though I slept more than eight hours. Nalaman ko ring kagagaling lang nina Emma at Janna sa bahay pero dahil tulog pa ako’y hinayaan na lang nila ako.

I haven't seen Alex too, and the next day... and then the next. That was the beginning of Alex being scarce. Pero dumarating siya sa gabi.

Nagigising ako sa tunog ng kotse niya tuwing dumarating siya nang hating gabi, tanda na rin ng baba ng tulog ko. Mabilis na akong magising kahit sa kaunting ingay lang, and I blame that for waking up too late. Hindi ko na siya magawang hinatyin sa gabi kasi maaga akong nakakatulog kapag nakakaramdam na ako ng pagod at antok. And that happens almost every day.

* * * * *

PINANOOD ni Nay Julia na bumaba ng hagadanan si Faith. Katulad noong nakaraang araw ay matamlay pa rin ito at mukhang anumang oras ay matutumba ito.

Napapansin rin niyang madalas ay nagigising ito ng mga dapit hapon na at kung minsa'y nahuhuli niya itong natutulog sa sofa sa oras ng merienda. Sa tanghalian wala itong ganang kumain kahit na hindi ito nakapag-almusal. Para itong walang malay na naglalakad sa buong bahay.

At sa tuwing tinatanong niya ito tungkol sa asawa’y naroon ang lungkot sa mga mata nito sa kabila ng ngiting ipinapakita nito sa kanya. Kahit hindi sabihin ng alaga niya ang nangyayari ay alam niyang humaharap ng problema ang dalawa.

Lalong naging tahimik at mailap si Xander simula noong bumalik si Faith. Kung dati ay hindi ito mapirmi sa bahay, mas lalo ngayon. Laging maagang pumapasok sa trabaho at hating gabi na kung umuwi. At ang ikinakabaliw niya kung minsan ay ang pasimpleng pamamaraan nito sa pagtatanong tungkol sa asawa nito.

Alam niyang nag-aalala rin ito kay Faith pero hindi lang nito maipakita dahil naroon pa rin ang hindi nito pagpapatawad.

Wala mang nakakaalam sa tunay na dahilan ni Faith sa pagkawala nito noon, naniniwala siyang may malalim itong dahilan. Ang mahalaga naman ay nagbalik ito.

Maraming pinagdaanan sa buhay si Faith at nakita niya kung paano ito tumayo at bumangon. Masayadong masaklap ang nangyari sa pamilya nito. Namatay ang mga magulang nito sa isang aksidente matapos sumabog ang nakakagulat na balitang bumagsak ang kompnyang pinaghirapan ng ama nito sa loob ng ilang taon. At naiwan si Faith para akuin lahat ng responsibilidad na naiwan rito ng ama.

Pero hindi ito mag-isa. Naroon si Xander sa tabi nito buong oras na kailangan nito ng tulong. At sobra-sobra ang naging pasasalamat niya kay Xander sa pagbabantay nito kay Faith. Malaki ang naging parte nito sa buhay ni Faith.

At naniniwala siyang naroon pa rin ang malalim na pagmamahal nito sa asawa kaya malalim din ang naging sugat nito sa ginawang pag-alis ni Faith.

* * * * *

HINDI AKO makatulog. I feel like there's something strange going on inside me, and this felt like how it started, three years ago.

Could it be that…

I alarmingly threw the blanket and got off the bed. Of course not. There's no way it could happen this fast. Life couldn't be that harsh.

I know there’s a possibility that it would come back. Jed already told me it could, but not so soon… not this soon!

Kinalma ko ang sarili ko dahil walang magandang maidudulot kung mag-aalala ako. I can’t stress myself out just because I feel suspicious. Kaya minabuti ko na lang na bumaba para kumuha ng gatas. Maybe a glass of milk will help me fall asleep.

I was busy pouring milk I hadn't noticed that I had company until I turned. Emotions slammed inside me as soon as I saw Alex calmly standing there, leaning over the door frame, arms folded, watching me the way he used to... all those years ago.

But the room suddenly brightened, hurting my eyes and I had to squint until I adjusted to the light. When I looked back at Alex again, his face was flat. Well, so much for expecting something from someone who’s been avoiding me all week.

He walked inside the kitchen without a word instead of ignoring me completely like how I expected him to do, and stood as far away as he could. I noticed he still wore his suit on. Kagagaling lang ba niya sa trabaho?

I was suddenly filled with unease. Wala siyang ginagawa maliban sa tingnan ako habang nakatayo lang. I wonder what’s he thinking. Baka siguro gusto niyang magkape at gusto niyang umalis na ako rito. Maybe I should get moving then.

Binilisan ko ang kilos ko. I was returning the box of fresh milk inside the fridge when I heard him talk. “Can't sleep?”

Nagtataka man ay tumango na lang ako saka isinara ang ref. I’m not sure if I should talk to him. I’m not sure if we could ever talk without him throwing insults at me at any point of our conversation.

“I remember you used to run here at night to make a glass of milk when you couldn't fall asleep,” he suddenly said with a tinge of yearning in his voice that made my heart hitched. Hindi ko tuloy alam ang kung ano ang sasabihin ko.

“S-sige,” I only said and walked stiffly to reach the door.

"Wait." It was faint, almost hesitant, but loud enough to hear.

I took the time to face him, heart pounding. He was unmoving with his hands on the counter, head bent. He looked like he’s having a hard decision.

I waited for a while but he’s still quiet and my milk was starting to get cold. "Sa tingin ko... kailangan ko ng umakyat," I said reluctantly. I tentatively stepped a foot outside and he’s all the same―motionless. With a last sigh, I left.

"I said wait."

Nagtatakang nilingon ko ulit siya. He clearly looked troubled, but nevertheless impish. It made him look adorable and cute. Like the first time he introduced himself to me. I felt a beat in my chest, as if I’ve been living without it until now.

"Mom knew about what happened with Lexie," he said. And just like that, my bubble burst. "She wanted to see you tomorrow. It’s Jewel's fifth birthday party."

There was a moment of hesitation. I have asked him about seeing his mom before, and he refused. That’s why I’m not really sure what to say. Gusto niya ba akong pumunta?

"You'll have to come,” he said as if he’s reading my thoughts. “Kahit na sinabi kong ayoko, ayaw niyang makinig sakin. She wants to see you," he continued flatly.

For a little while I forgot it’s Alex I was talking to. The different Alex that I never knew. This man is Paul Alexander Smith.

I nodded, as I agreed for both of my thoughts. "Okay. I'll go."

"Okay then. We'll leave early tomorrow." Then he went upstairs.

As I drifted to sleep that night, I prepared myself for another dreadful day I have yet to face.