The Tears of Faith (Tagalog/Filipino)

Chapter 6 │ OLD BLAME

I SWEPT a hand through my sweating forehead as I felt the heat sipped through my head. It was a hot day; the sun was glaringly bright out in the sky even though it wasn’t summer yet.

Wiping the dirt off my hands, I stood up from crouching for too long and my vision suddenly reeled. I held the fence quickly to steady myself as I watched the ground move beneath me.

Saglit akong pumikit nang hinid pa rin nawawala ang pagkahilo ko at huminga nang malalim. Wala kang dapat ipag-alala, Faith. It’s just the heat, I thought as I waited for the fuzziness to disappear.

Inalala ko kung kalian ako huling kumain. And I groaned inwardly when I realized I skipped lunch and I only had half an apple on breakfast. No wonder my head felt like floating.

Nang masiguro kong maayos na ang pakiramdam ko ay nagmulat ako nang mata at tiningnan ang buong garden. I couldn’t help but smile despite feeling nauseated. After seven days of working all day, I finally managed to restore my garden!

Nay Julia tried countless times to get me out of the heat, pero ito lang ang gusto kong pagkaabalahan at pinagtuonan ko ng pansin paagkatapos umalis ni Alex sa business trip niya kinabukasan pagkatapos ng party. He just couldn’t wait to get away from me.

Nagpa-ulit-ulit pa rin sa isipan ko ang mga nangyari nang gabing iyon. And I felt so low, as if I was sinking down again, as if my soul was being sucked out until there’s nothing left of me. And I’ve been in that deep mud before…in that overwhelming sadness—and that feeling was awful.

Somehow, I knew I needed to do something to fight it. Kaya naisipan kong ayusin na lang ang garden ko, because flowers give me hope that after being buried, you’ll still rise up and blossom beautifully.

A week without Alex. Naalala ko pa ang huling sinabi niya bago siya umalis…

“I'm leaving for business for a week so if you have plans to go somewhere, warn me. Or at least try to leave a note. I don't want to be disturbed by a phone call telling me you're gone.”

So typical of him to expect that I'd disappear one day. Well, maybe I will…

I mentally shook my head at that. It’s the day after the anniversary party when I knew about his business trip. Hindi ko pa yata malalaman iyon kung hindi ako bumaba nang maaga para abangan siya noong araw na iyon bago siya pumasok sa opisina―only to find his packed travelling bag lying on the floor. Nakita ako ni Nay Julia at siya ang sumagot sa nakabinbing katanungan sa bibig ko habang nakatitig ako sa mga bagahe.

I was embarrassed and I felt useless as his wife. Ako ang asawa pero ako ang huling taong nakakaalam sa mga bagay tungkol sa kanya. I felt so worthless―just like the way I felt that night at the party. Hindi ako kinausap ni Alex buong gabi, but I still let myself stand close beside him. He never once turned to acknowledge me, let alone looked at me. He treated me like an outcast.

Maybe because he didn’t like that the wife who ran away from him was in the same room with him. And I couldn't deny the truth either. I wasn’t the wife a husband could be proud of. I’m well aware about that, but it still hurts.

Letting out a heavy sigh, I took off my soiled gloves and went inside the house. I felt thirsty and hungry after digging up soils and staying under the heat for… I don’t know how long. But working on my garden surely helped me feel better at least. Kahit papaano’y nawaglit sa isip ko ang mga problema.

But that bubble of solitude burst and my feet ceased at the door way, refusing to take another step inside as soon as I saw who was waiting inside our house. A cold hand seized my heart, pumping an icy cold blood all over my body, it made me tremble.

Lexie, Alex’s sister, who is my worst living nightmare.

She turned around as if sensing there’s another presence in the room and it’s too late to hide. Her eyes narrowed at the sight of me. “Oh,” her eyebrow lifted, a smirk touched her lips as she looked me up and down. “What do we have here? The infamous wife returned.”

I felt shaky as I remembered another conversation, one between her and Alex. It’s one of the things I wish I could forget, but I couldn’t when it’s the reason why my life changed. And that horrid memory was rushing in my head like a lurid scene…

It was after a month since I left home. Oo, bumalik ako pagkatapos kong iwan si Alex. I came back because I couldn't leave him. Hindi ko kaya. I knew he wouldn't forgive me but I had to try, lalo na’t alam kong hinahanap niya ako.

I was about to go upstairs when I heard arguing voices in the living room and I instantly recognized Alex's voice and his sister. Lexie. I found myself feeling anxious, because Lexie never liked me. And I suspect she was there just to tell Alex how stupid he was to marry someone like me and rub that mistake to his nose.

And I was right. Lumakas pa ang boses nila habang nagtatalo sila hanggang sa hindi maiwasang marinig ko ang ibang salita nila.

“I told you!” Lexie said indignantly. “Ilang beses ko nang sinabi sayong hindi kasing-inosente ng tingin mo ang babaeng iyon, Xander. She is a gold-digger! At ano ang sinabi mo sakin? Pakakasalan mo siya at wala kang pakialam dahil mahal mo siya! How pathetic! At ngayon hinahanap mo pa rin siya? Gumising ka, Xander! Wala na siya! Hindi na babalik ang mukhang pera mong asawa!"

“Tumigil ka na,” Alex’s voice held a warning, pero tila hindi iyon narinig ni Lexie.

“Hanggang ngayon, ipinagtatanggol mo pa siya. Tanga ka ba talaga? You still think she'll come back and say she loves you? You’re even worse, Xander. I can't believe that good-for-nothing woman totally trapped you around her fingers,” she said tauntingly. “Do you really still love her after what she did?

I heard him laugh and it sounded grim. “You think I do?” his cold, dead tone sent shiver down my spine.

“Then why are you still looking for her? Bakit ka umiinom nang ganyan?”

“Dahil kailangan ko siya para sa annulment. I don’t need a wife like her.”

“Hindi mo siya mahahanap, Xander,” she said scathingly. “You think she'll show up if she knew that? Maliban na lang kung malalaman niyang may pera siyang mahihita. Of course, she will show up.”

I was too frozen to move, too shock and too hurt. Hindi ko alam kung ano pa ang ginagawa ko roon pero hindi ko kayang gumalaw at umalis.

“O baka naman plano mo lang iyan para bumalik si Faith?”

I heard Alex’s disgusted snort. “Don’t be mistaken. She meant nothing to me more than a means to an end. Wala nang iba. I don't give a f*ck if she never comes back and I don’t give a damn about her just how she didn’t give a damn about us. I just want her out of my life.”

Muling bumalik kay Lexie ang atensyon ko. I wished she would just disappear but she was still there with her eyes spitting daggers on me.

“Well, well… what a surprise, really. Totoo palang nagbalik ka.” Humakbang siya palapit sa akin. “Why? Is it because you realize how rich my brother now and you want a part of it?”

Again. I was being accused of being a gold-digger. Kung tutuusin naman hindi ako mahirap. My father was a CEO of his own company and, although my mom was a plain housewife, we never begged for money. Kahit pa nang namayapa sila, they still left me huge sum of money and insurance that will last me a lifetime. Ni minsan ay hindi ako naglabas o gumastos ng pera na pinaghirapan ni Alex o nanghingi sa kanya, lalo na sa nakaraang tatlong taon. But this woman doesn’t need to know that.

“Lumabas ka sa lunggang pinagtataguan mo sa loob ng tatlong taon ngayong malaki na ang mapapakinabangan mo sa pinaghirapan ng kapatid ko?” she laughed tauntingly. “See? I was right all along. You won't make my brother happy. Because you’re spoiled rotten and girls like you only wanted to take away all his money to fill your whims.”

I tried not to flinch at her sickening words. “Kung nagpunta ka dito para lang insultuhin ako sa sarili kong pamamahay, makakaalis ka na,” I managed to say. Dahil sa totoo lang, wala akong lakas para makipag-insultuhan sa kanya.

I stalked inside, dragging my numbed feet across the floor, passing her. Pero hindi pa ako nakakalayo nang maramdaman kong may tumulak sa akin. I sucked in a breath from the pain. I thought I broke my spine as I hit the wall hard when she suddenly hurled me away.

“Huwag mo akong tatalikuran dahil hindi pa ako tapos!” She didn't even notice she hurt me and just continued. “Ang kapal talaga ng mukha mo para bumalik! Pinakasalan ka lang ng kapatid ko pero akala mo kung sinong makaasta!” She stood closer to me and I tried not to bulk. “Ginamit mo lang ang kapatid ko dahil sa pera niya. Akala mo hindi ko alam kung anong klaseng babae ka?” She was almost breathing down on me.

“Pagkatapos mamatay ng mga magulang mo, nawala ang lahat ng pera ninyo dahil na-bankrupt ang companya ng daddy mo sa panloloko. Namatay sila sa tangka nilang pagtakas sa batas. Karma ang tawag don! At dahil naghihirap ka na at nawalan ka na ng mana at wala ka ng malustay na pera, ginamit mo ang kapatid ko sa paraang gusto mo! You used my brother for a fool and fed him your poison! Binilog mo ang ulo niya para lang makuha ang gusto mo. And then when you couldn't take his failure, you turned your back on him and walked away, and looked for another man to replace him as your bank account. At dahil namulubi ka na naman, bumalik ka sa kapatid ko! Alam mo ba kung anong klase ka? You are a cheap w***e b***h who deserves to die!”

SLAP!

I heard her gasp as she touched a hand to her face where my trembling hands had laid.

I slapped her. Hard. I hurt her. But it didn't even lessen the pain that was strangling my throat. I knew she really hated me from the moment we met, and I never knew why. But I never hurt her. I was never mad at her, kahit nang marinig ko ang usapan nila ni Alex nang gabing iyon.

But these accusations and insults she’s throwing at me, they just made me feel so angry. How dare her insult my parents in front of me? How dare her accuse them of something they were never guilty of? How dare her disrespect their death?

How dare her?!

My body was still trembling so hard from the tension I was trying hard to conceal inside. I don't care if she’s Alex's sister anymore. She just insulted my parents' death like they were criminals and they weren’t even here to defend their names!

I don't care if she thinks I used Alex for his money or if she called me names. I really don't. Because she’ll always think the worst of me. But telling in my face that I deserve death because of her false accusations… She doesn’t even have any idea how I tried to live and survive.

“How dare you?!” she gritted and started pulling my hair.

She was like a mad bear I couldn't stop her. She’s scratching my face but I kept on blocking her stinging nails with my arms. I tried to retaliate but she’s just too strong for me. All I could do was block her and defend myself. With her anger, I fear she won’t stop even if I pass out.

Just when I wished Nay Julia would come, a thundering voice roared inside the house that stopped the mad woman from scratching my lacerated arm. She seemed horrified when she saw someone at the door. Nang sundan ko ang tingin niya ay daig ko pa ang binuhusan ng malamig na tubig.

Alex!

He was fuming. Fist clenched at his sides. He was mad. Very very mad. I could almost see the triumphant smirk on Lexie’s face and I almost wished I hadn’t slapped her.

“Get. Off. Her!” Alex suddenly growled. His purposeful stride matched the intensity of eyes that made my heart pump faster. I felt frozen and I didn't know what to do.

Bumundol ang kaba sa dibdib ko. I knew without a doubt that he would really throw me out the house this time. He would never tolerate this from me. Babawiin niya ang sinabi niyang apat na buwan at mababaliwala lang lahat ng nasimulan ko.

Hinanda ko ang sarili ko sa pwedeng mangyayari. But he suddenly pushed Lexie away and stood in front of me, shielding me from his sister.

“What the hell do you think you're doing Alexis?!” Alex said in a very dangerous tone that even made me cowered. Ginamit din niya ang buong pangalan ng kapatid niya, which only implied he’s not pleased with her behavior.

Hindi makasagot si Lexie. I tried to look at her and I saw her face turning to purple with fury. Parang gusting-gusto na niya akong patayin sa galit.

“Umuwi ka na!” Alex said tersely and turned to face me. The look on his face almost toppled me. His eyes were filled with worry and I don’t think he’s aware of it. “Are you okay?” he asked gently, yet he's still not touching me.

“I-I'm fine…” I managed to roll out, refusing to let myself be pulled by that strong urge to lean on him and feel his warmth.

I could feel my legs wanting to buckle beneath me from relief that Alex was here. I saw his hand reached out to hold me from swaying but it was halted by a choking sound.

Lexie was choking with her tears, hatred burning in her eyes. “Xander, bakit mo kinakampihan ang babaeng iyan? Ako ang kapatid mo!” hagulgol niya.

“And she's my wife!” walang kagatol-gatol na sagot niya sa kapatid. And I felt something smacked me.

Lalo lang nanggalaiti sa galit si Lexie dahil sa sinabi niya. “Wife?” Galit itong nagpunas ng luha sa mukha. “Nakalimutan mo na ba ang ginawa ng babaeng iyan sayo? Iniwan ka niya, Xander! At bumalik siya dahil lang sa pera mo! Gumising ka! Hahayaan mo na lang ba siyang bilugin ulit niya ang ulo mo?”

“Stop this now, Alexis! I don't have time to argue with you! Umuwi ka na lanh, pwede ba?”

Napuna ko ang pagod sa boses ni Alex kahit na nakatalikod siya. It’s there in every line of his body. Kagagaling lang niya sa malayong beyahe at pagod siya, pero ito kaagad ang maabutan niya.

I wasn't aware I was already lifting my hand to comfort his neck until I caught it. What was I thinking?

“You don't have time but I won't stop until you listen to me!” Lexie retorted, her tears gone now. “That woman you call your wife will hurt you again. Believe me. At sino ang tatakbuhan mo?” Humakbang ito palapit kay Alex. “Kaming pamilya mo. Do you even know what that woman did to me?”

I stiffened. Oh, God. No! He would hate me if he knew.

“Your wife slapped me, Xander!” she gritted, her body was trembling violently.

Hindi agad nagsalita si Alex. And for that few moments of silence, I could feel his turbulence. “Faith won't do that. She can't,” Alex said after a while with confident, which even scared me more—that Alex would still believe that.

Lexie scoffed. “You honestly believe that? You know me, Xander. Hindi ko gagalawin iyang babaeng iyan kung wala siyang ginagawa sakin. But the fact that her dirty hand dared to touch me was inexcusable. Bakit hindi mo siya tanungin? Ask her, Xander, why she laid a hand on me?”

I was rooted to the spot. I couldn't move a muscle as terror invaded my limbs and took hold of my whole body.

Alex turned to face me. His eyes boring into me. “Did you?”

“I-I just…” I stuttered pathetically.

“You see, hindi niya kayang marinig ang katotohanan―that she is a gold-digger, a woman who married a rich man in order to get money from him through a settlement,” Lexie hissed behind Alex's ear like a snake that she was and I watched as her poisoned words worked through his brain turning it against me. “Keep her brother, and I'll watch how far you'll go before you went broke.” And with a final death glare at me, Lexie stalked mockingly towards the door.

I couldn't take off the guilt visible on my face as I tried to speak, to say something that will make him believe me and understand what really happened. But he saw my reaction and it was too late. He already made his conclusion.

“You had no right to lay a hand on her,” he spoke chillingly that almost froze me out before he walked out and followed his sister.

I know I don’t have any hold on him now that our marriage was on the verge of breaking apart. I feel like we’re standing over the edge of a cliff with a broken rope and I would be the first to fall down because he’s the one who would let it go.

If I hadn't heard their conversation that night, I would have told him why. I could have told him everything that I was afraid to tell him. I could have saved the last hope that I still have that time.

Feeling suddenly drained, I walked up to my room. By the time I reached the door, I remembered I hadn't had that cold drink. Pero wala na akong ganang uminom. Sinubukan ko na lang na gamutin ang mga sugat at galos na natamo ko kay Lexie. I can’t risk an infection right now. Mahigpit iyong ipinagbawal sa akin bago ako bumalik.

Ngunit biglang tumunog ang telepono nang aabutin ko na ang first aid box sa banyo. It sounded urgent kaya sinagot ko na lang agad iyon.

“Hello?”

“Faith?” isang boses ng lalaki.

My head jerked up and my hand tightened on the phone when I heard the familiar voice. “Jed?”

“Bakit ganyan ang boses mo? Is everything okay? Are you okay?” sunod-sunod na tanong niya.

“I'm fine,” I said, trying to make myself sound more alive. “Napagod lang ako sa maghapong pagkakaababad ko sa araw. I'll just drink water and I'll be fine.” Not to mention I almost died just a little while ago and Alex was mad at me right now.

Of course, I couldn't tell him that because he would throw a fit and probably fly out here and drag me away.

“You did what?” he asked incredulously.

“I was planting flower seeds―and I'm fine, Jed,” sabi ko kaagad bago pa niya ako simulang pagsabihan.

But it looked like he’s still intent to give me one. “Faith, what are you thinking sunbathing like that? Alam mo namang hindi pwede sayo ang sobrang mainitan. Too much temperature will cause you―”

“I know, I know.” I almost rolled my eyes. “Hindi na mauulit.”

I heard him sigh. I knew he was frustrated. I could almost imagine him doing that. Sakit talaga ako ng ulo niya.

I tried a joke. “Tumawag ka ba para tingnan kung humihinga pa ba ako?” Hindi siya sumagot. “That was a joke.”

“It wasn’t even funny, Faith.” His tone was serious.

“Napakaseryosos mo talaga. Kaya nga wala ka pa ring mahanap na girlfriend eh. Sa tingin ko, ako lang ang babaeng nagtiya-tiyaga diyan sa kasungitan mo.” I felt the hair on my nape stood up on end, like I was being watched.

Muntik pa akong mapalundag sa gulat nang may marinig akong ingay sa likod. Pero wala namang tao o hayop paglingon ko. Then I heard the window creaked. I was distracted I didn't catch what Jed was saying.

“... dito. But just make sure you'll call me if anything―and I mean anything―happens, okay?”

“Nothing will happen, Jed. Trust me.”

“I trust you. But not what's in your head.”

Unconsciously, my hand touched the back of my head… as if I was feeling it there. “Anything might happen, Faith. Hindi natin alam. All I ask is you take care of yourself. We're not there to monitor you twenty-four hours a day.” I could hear the worry and concern in his voice.

“Don't worry. I'm in good hands. Hindi pa ako puwedeng umalis hangga't hindi ko natatapos ang nasimulan ko. Everything will be alright. Trust me.”

Matagal bago siya nagsalita ulit. “Promise you'll tell me if anything strange happens.”

“I'll call. I promise.”

I stared at the phone after the call ended, thinking about what Jed said before. He once told me to find peace and I could only find peace I come back to Alex and tell him the truth.

It was the reason why I decided to come back after three years. But I still couldn't tell Alex properly. I thought it was simple. But I was wrong.

Now, Jed is worried because I might not have enough time. If I stay longer, the lesser the chance I'll have. Hindi pa niya alam na balak kong tumagal ng apat na buwan dito, while he expects me to be back after a month. And if he ever decides to take me away, I couldn't let him because I made my choice. And that was to stay with Alex until he can and he’s able to forgive me.

I was in the middle of my thoughts when I noticed someone standing behind me. My eyes flickered to the vanity mirror and I saw Alex on my door in brooding silence. Napatayo kaagad ako sa kinauupuan ko.

“Alex…” I said breathlessly.