The Tears of Faith (Tagalog/Filipino)

Chapter 5 │ ABANDONED

IT WAS past eleven when Alex came home. Ang akala ko’y sa bahay na siya magdi-dinner kanina kasi dito din siya nag-almusal kaninang umaga. But I guess that was just my wishful thinking.

Hindi siya nagsalita nang dumating siya at makita akong nakaupo sa sala. He was taking off his tie as he walked in and his brows were furrowed.

“Dumating dito si Emma kaninang hapon,” sabi ko habang sinusundan ko siya. Sinadya ko talagang antayin siya dahil may kailangan akong sabihin sa kanya, and it can’t wait tomorrow. Sa ikli ng pnahong ibinigay niya sa akin, wala nang oras para dahan-dahanin ang mga bagay-bagay. Lalo na ngayong bukas na ang anniversary ng kaibigan namin.

Emma said he’d come and he knew about the party. Kung hindi pa dumating si Emma, he wouldn’t even care to tell me about it. I know I don’t have the right to demand, pero nasaktan pa rin ako sa nalaman ko. They’re still my friends.

Sinundan ko siya sa kusina at pinanood habang kumukuha siya ng baso sa cup rack at nagbukas ng refrigerator para magsalin ng malamig na tubig.

All the time, I waited for him to say something or get iritated for what I was doing. But he’s still quiet and he’s doing a good job ignoring me. Hindi na ako nakatiis kaya sinabi ko na ang kanina ko pa gustong sabihin. “I heard about Janna and Billy. Nabanggit sa akin ni Emma na kinasal na pala sila. Gusto ko sanang pumunta sa anniversary party nila since hindi ako naka-attend ng wedding nila.”

That stopped him. Unti-unti niyang ibinaba ang hawak niyang baso saka humarap sa akin. He looked annoyed. “It’s not my fault that you left them, too,” naiinis na aniya. “Kung gusto mo talagang pumunta, you can go. Hindi naman kita ikukulong rito sa bahay. You can go wherever you want to go, even if it's hell, I don't care. Just don't expect me to go with you.”

Pin pricks surrounded my heart. I knew words could be so cruel but they started to scare me. They corrupt people's mind and soul.

“Xander―” Ewan ko, pero nagiging masokista na rin yata ako. Dahil imbis na hayaan ko si Alex na umalis ay pinigilan ko pa siya.

He only turned half of his face. “I don't really like being seen with you so give me a break. Surely, you don't expect me to act like a doting husband, do you? Because you know very well I can't.” And he walked out of the door and left me again.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakatulog noong gabing iyon. I just woke up the next day remembering Alex's words, replaying over and over in my mind. At nadagdagan pa ang bigat ng loob ko nang makitang ako lang mag-isa ang kakain ng almusal ngayon.

“Maagang umalis si Xander kanina,” ani Nay Julia habang hinahainan niya ako ng pagkain. “Pinapasabi nga pala niyang magkita na lang daw kayo sa party noong kaibigan ninyo.”

My shoulders dropped. I knew he didn’t want to bring me to the party. Mas mabuti siguro kung sinabi na lang niya ang totoo na hindi niya ako gustong pumunta.

“O, bakit ang haba ng nguso mo, anak? May problema ka ba?”

I beamed at her. “Inaalala ko lang po kasi kung ano ang isusuot ko mamaya.” It wasn’t totally a lie. I’ve been worrying about it last night since I have no dress that could fit me right now.

Besides, I don't want her to worry about me and Alex. Alam ko namang ako ang kakampihan ni Nay Julia. She always does every time Alex and I would argue. At ayokong mas isipin pa lalo ni Alex na pati si Nay Julia e sinusulsulan ko. It’s already bad enough that he thinks me a gold-digger.

Cheer up, Faith! Hindi ako dapat mawalan ng pag-asa. I still have the rest of four months to spend time with Alex. I still have time to fix everything I broke. Kung palagi kong aalalahanin ang iniisip ni Alex sa akin, baka hindi ako magtagal ng isa pang lingo rito.

Tonight will be a big night, dahil makikita ko ulit ang mga kaibigan ko. It’s been three years since I've seen them and this is something I should look forward to. Kaya dapat akong mgahanda.

* * * * *

MY STEPS faltered slightly as I stepped into the marble-floored lobby of a hotel where the party was being held. Sa labas ng function room ay may dalawang staff na nakatokang tumingin ng mga invitations.

I didn't realize it was this exclusive. Even though I was well-dressed for the event—well enough to look as if I belonged here, I still feel as if everyone would be able to see under my pale skin and to the very heart of me that was beating so unsteadily.

“Thank you, Miss Smith. Enjoy the party,” bati ng lalaki nang makita ang pangalan ko sa listahang hawak niya at iginiya ako papasok ng hall.

Glittering gold greeted my eyes. It’s been so long since I had been in a place and event as grand as this. Another time… another woman…

This kind of hushed luxuriousness reminded me of too much about my past and it made the skin on the back of my neck prickle with mixed excitement and unease. Because it seemed familiar yet it felt strange and different. Maybe because I’ve been away for so long.

My mouth tightened as my eyes looked for the familiar face of my husband beyond the scattered slim and tall women with glittering gowns. Everyone just seemed privileged and glamorously rich. People who would usually associate with my father when he was alive.

I used to hate this scene, but then it’s where I met Alex.

And then, I saw him—just how I could always find him in a crowd, and I couldn’t help but catch my breath form how exceptionally gorgeous he looked tonight... as always. I wondered how many women he charmed tonight?

I sighed, willing myself not to let these crowd overwhelm me. I had to get it together and be calm, not let this fear get me. I couldn't think of the past now. I would be fine. After all, haven't I been through so much worse?

I continued walking through the crowd ignoring those malicious looks burning behind my back. Or was it only me? But I could swear I could feel them. Maybe I was just imagining things.

I have to reach Alex before these legs gave up on me. But he’s too engaged talking with some woman that he couldn’t even notice the time or me.

“Really? Is it her? Xander’s wife?”

“Oo! Siya nga iyon!”

“OMG! The one who left him?”

The room suddenly hushed down and only the staccato of my footsteps slowing down filled the room. I saw Alex’s brows frowned as he glanced around like he’s now noticing the change in the room and then his head turned to where I was and I watched his beguiled eyes changed in to an icy cold one as they clash to my fearful one.

I only wanted to reach him, but when his face changed into a burning disgust and loathing, it made me stood still and remember what he said last night.

“I don't really like being seen with you so give me a break…”

Alex was ashamed of me. That’s the truth.

A sharp pain so intense snaked in to my body it reopened old scars, and for the first time since that fateful night, I felt scared, alone… and worthless. I instinctively caught my wrist and felt that ugly scar I left after that night and it reminded me how close to death I had been.

Now, in front of his repulsive eyes, I was reliving that horrid feeling again. And I couldn’t stop the rising panic overwhelming me. People’s hushed voices murmured so loud in my ears they’re deafening me. And their terrifying stares… it’s gripping me.

The walls felt like they’re closing down on me, trapping me and I’m feeling like I was being strangled, suffocated. I knew I’m starting to panic, and I couldn't stop it. I need help.

Please help me.

My chest burned. I need air.

Alex...

My knees were caving in. But then, I felt someone held my hand and they’re warm against my clammy cold ones. I looked up and saw Emma.

“Let’s get you some fresh air,” she said and pulled me out of that frightening world and helped me escape.

* * * * *

IT WAS bad. Awful. Horrible. My control slipped and still, I couldn't do anything about it.

“Okay ka na?” Emma was still with me, holding my shaking hands. I nodded, but it only came jerky and desperate.

She breathed out a heavy sigh. “I'm sorry. Hindi na sana dapat kita pinilit na pumunta rito. I could have saved you from all of that.”

I shook my head as I held her hands tightly. "Hindi mo ako pinilit. At hindi mo kasalanan na mangyari ito. It was bound to happen, one way or another. Ayos lang ako. It was just... I felt overwhelmed, that's all. So please, don't blame yourself for this."

"Faith, you don't have to pretend you're strong in front of me. I know what happened out there, and what almost happened. You were about to faint! At nagagalit ako dahil wala man lang ginawa si Xander! Mas inuna pa niya ang best friend niyang hilaw!"

It was like a dose of an icy cold water flushed into my blood stream and I don't know if I should be glad about being woken up by a beautiful image of a woman. Savannah, his best friend.

I see. So, the reason for that beguiled look was because of that girl.

I felt something tore in my heart and the pain was jarring. Sharp and raw. It’s a wonder I didn't have a heart attack right there and then.

“Namumutla ka. Are you sure you're fine? I could take you home if you want.”

"I'm fine, I'm fine." It seemed like I was convincing myself more than I want to convince my worried friend. "I just... I want to be alone for a moment."

A sound of a protest hovered around her lips but as soon I let go of her hands, she knew she couldn't do anything for me. "I'll be in in a minute."

She left reluctantly after I assured her that I'll be okay. She might not understand but I really wanted to be alone right now. I needed to feel myself. My own.

I couldn't cling to anyone anymore. What happened right there was out of control. But I have to get used to it. I have to get through that fear. Because right now, I will only have myself from this day onwards.

I steadied my hands and I took a calming breath. Repeatedly.

I came here to see my friends. I came to give them my best wishes. I was here because I have to see them, and tell them how important they were to me. And how thankful I was to have them. I don't care what those people think of me, how they disapprove of me. I don't care because they don't matter to me. All I care about is Alex... and my friends.

I repeated those words inside my head like a mantra until my nerves started to placate. All I have to do was remember those words and I will get through this night. With a final deep breath, I stood up and marched back inside.

Someone bumped into me as soon as I emerged in the room, making me sway and off balanced. I heard him apologized but I didn't bother to spare him a glance because I was so intent on repeating that mantra over my head. Pero naputol iyon ng isang pangalan.

"Faith?"

I was greeted with a hug even before I could see the stranger's face. I registered how tall he was that I had to tip my toes. And the next thing I knew, I was being lifted off the ground as if my weigh did nothing to him.

Saka ko lang nakita ang mukha ng taong iyon nang bumaba ang mga paa ko sa lupa. I knew that dimpled smile.

"Kuya Drew!"

"Pumayat ka ba o tumangkad ka lang? Ang gaan-gaan mo na! Para lang akong nagbuhat ng unan." I could see the wonder in his eyes as he turned me side to side, checking me from front to back.

I couldn't help myself from giggling, like a child I had been, and it felt new to me. Well, at least someone managed to joke about my ridiculous weight and did not take it offensively as everybody does.

But he couldn't fool me. Right there, between his brows, a crease was showing and it meant he was worried.

"Alam kong pinapunta ka ni Emma dito para hanapin at sunduin ako."

He scratched his nape and grinned innocently. Yep. I caught him. "Alam mo naman si Em. Sobra iyon kung mag-alala sayo."

I know. That's why I didn't tell her the reason why I left that night. "Sinabi ko naman sa kanya na ayos lang ako." I sighed. "Sabihin mo ulit sa kanya na hindi na niya kailangang mag-alala. Hahanapin ko na lang siya mamaya. Kailangan ko pang puntahan ang host ng party. Ayokong bantayan niya ako ng parang inahing hindi makabasag itlog."

Tumango siya. "I'll tell her that."

I reached a hand to touch his arm. "It's good to see you again."

"Hey," he smiled a pensive smile as he pinched the tip of my nose. "You know I'm your big brother, right?"

I playfully punched his shoulder to break the rising woeful atmosphere and beamed happily at him, the way I used to. "Ang drama mo, kuya. Dali na, bumalik ka na sa lovey-doves mo. Baka halughugin ka pa non sa bawat sulok rito."

"I'll see you later, okay?" He gave me a final tight hug before he dived into the crowd.

I was feeling a lot more okay after seeing Drew again. Those tangled nerves inside my head started to unravel and I could breathe easily now.

But I could still feel them even now. They’re still staring. But they’re less damaging now that I concentrated more on my purpose tonight.

They could die with my name burning on their mouth and I could care less. I have been into much worse condition where I fought my own self. I have seen death and I have been in hell. This was nothing from what I had suffered from those past three years. So if they wanted to condemn me, try and dare.

A smile broke into my strained face when I saw the sole couple I was determined to find tonight. Janna and Billy.

They stood next to each other, arms around one another, sharing secret smiles only they understood. Their eyes, they held so much love in them and there’s a tangible affection and warmth at the way they looked at each other.

A mixed of emotions surged up into me, and knew them well enough. Envy, wistfulness, and regret.

I’m envious of what they have because once upon a time, someone looked at me like that. I also had that same smile once… and it seemed like it was a long time ago.

Many times, I tried to remember that exact feeling when I was far away, isolated. But they always eluded me. I couldn't remember them, only pain, sorrow, guilt, and sadness filled me.

I mentally shook my head. That was before and this is now. I had lived my life experiencing those good times and bad times. It was enough. I know I should settle for less and for the things I will be getting from now on. I couldn't wish for things I know I couldn't have, even though how much I wanted them. Because I know they’ll just hurt if I yearn for them more.

Ignoring those unwelcome emotions sprouting inside me, I elbowed my way into the lovely couple.

It’s Billy who spotted me first. As recognition dawned on his face, his smiling eyes widened with shock. Nakalapit na ako sa kanila bago pa ako makita ni Janna.

I smiled at their surprised faces. "Congratulations, you guys!"

"Faith!" si Janna ang unang naka-recover sa gulat at masayang niyakap ako. "Oh my God! You really are here!"

At katulad ng iba, she had that face telling me she missed me. Sadness touched her eyes that were filled with yearning.

"Surprise!" I made a 'surprise' face and that made her smile. "Pero ginulat niyo rin ako. Kunwari magkaaway, pero di niyo naman matiis ang isa't isa."

Pinanood ko silang tumawa at parang may dumaan sa mga mata nila. "Surprise!" panggagaya naman ni Janna sa akin. "But, wait," may kung ano itong tiningnan sa likod ko―o sino. "Where's Xander? Did he come?" baling niya kay Billy.

I caught Billy looked uncertainly at me before answering Janna. "He said he's here."

Nagtatakang tumingin sa akin si Janna. She must've seen something in my eyes that made her look like that. Repentant.

"He's here. Nauna siyang dumating dito galling trabaho. Hassle naman kung uuwi pa siya para lang sunduin ako. Out of the way naman ang bahay namin mula opisina nila hanggang dito."

Who was I kidding? Kahit magpaliwanag ako rito, I knew they won't believe me. Kasi alam nila na kahit saan ako naroroon, Alex would never leave me alone.

But that was before. He already left me alone.

"Pero asan na siya? Nagkita na kayo?" tanong ni Janna maya-maya.

"Oo. I saw him when I came in." And I remembered that face... that thought that almost pushed me on the brink earlier. I remembered the girl whom he was with.

Pain made its way into me again. But I crushed it before it paralyzed me again. Focus on your mantra.

Hindi ba nila nakita ang mga pangyayari kanina? Maybe they didn't. Hindi namna sila magtatanong kung nakita nila ang kahihiyan ko, diba?

"Well, maybe he's busy somewhere," Janna said as she looked at Billy, with a hint of anxiousness. Then I saw Billy wrapped a hand at her instinctively to calm her down.

I felt that pang of jealousy snaked in again at that gesture. But there's something else that struck me.

They’re anxious about Alex. Not me. They were being protective of him. Because they witnessed how he was hurt after I had gone.

I understood why they have to guard Alex from me. I couldn't blame them. And mostly, I couldn't get mad at them. He was their friend too and he was the victim here while I was the culprit, the bad wife, the criminal.

As I accepted that truth, I squared my shoulder and did my best to put on my winning social smile. "Actually, si Emma ang nagsabi sa akin tungkol sa Anniversary party ninyo. And it was a good thing na naabutan ko. Nagulat nga ako nong malaman ko na kinasal kayo. I mean, the last time I was here, you were on a rough patch."

"Oo nga eh." Some of the tension on their faces started to wash away as Janna spilled their story. "Imagine all the problems I had. Pero tingnan mo." Happily, she waved a hand to me and I saw it.

A diamond ring adorning her hand glittered brightly at me. Taunting me.

A particular finger itched instinctively at the sight of that ring. I clenched my hands to stop them from scratching it. "I told you," I forced out a smile, "―you'll turn around. And you," I said and turned to Billy, "Anong sinabi ko sayo dati, kakainin mo rin ang mga sinabi mo."

Tumingin si Janna kay Billy, "Bakit, ano na naman ang sinabi mo, aber?"

Billy grinned guiltily. "I was drunk. Hindi ko na maalala."

Janna glared at him before turning to me. "Anong sabi niya?"

Natawa ako kasi nakakatawa naman iyong dalawa. Para pa rin silang mga bata. "Lasing din ako non kaya hindi ko rin maalala."

Billy and I laughed while Janna pouted annoyingly. Then Billy stopped and stared someone behind me. "Pare!" he called out.

A hand suddenly appeared beside me as it shook hands with Billy's. My smile froze into my face, the sound of my laughter faltered as Alex's full frame came in view. He stood right next to me, smiling at the couple in front of him. Parang wala siyang nakikitang tao sa tabi niya. To think that I am his wife.

Was that how invisible I have become?

But still, I couldn't help my heart went tingly at the sight of him. He really looked good tonight, it reminded me of that day―our wedding day.

"Congratulations," he greeted with his deep baritone voice that always made me catch my breath, as I did now.

I focused on looking at one focal point as Alex stood close beside me, chatting so naturally with his friend like I didn't exist here. Janna looked at me, and back at Alex, with a face like she was trapped in a hurricane.

"Nice ring," Alex said.

I stiffened automatically at the word. This time, my face went taut and rigid. Was he deliberately trying to provoke me?

Janna went on to tell them the story about how Billy surprised her with the ring. I thought Janna must be a good actress for pretending not to feel the tension between Alex and I or perhaps she was just not aware of it.

"Salamat at nagpunta kayo ngayon. This is an important event for the both of us and we wanted to spend it to you. San asa binyag naman dumating na kayong magkasabay at magkasama." Janna said.

I didn't know what to say after that. I was speechless for a moment. Myriad of thoughts and emotions flooded in me. Hindi ko alam kung alin sa mga sinabi ni Janna ang uunahin kong isipin. Ang tungkol sa binyag ba? O ang pala-isipang makakaabot pa kaay ako sa oras na iyon? Ang pala-isipang magkasama pa kaya kami ni Alex pagsapit ng araw na iyon?

I couldn't look at Alex's face right then. He’s so quiet as I was and it’s ridiculous. Did he think the same thoughts?

It’s very silent and still between us. Until someone broke the heavy ice. "Hi," came a sweet feminine voice that was so familiar to me.

My heart sank down to my feet when I saw who came to stand beside Alex, and it’s too late to escape. The crowd melted away and it was just me, Alex, and her. Savannah. Alex's best friend.

I suddenly felt so ugly and rotten standing next to Alex. My confidence was in ribbons and I became painfully aware of the way my hair felt dry against my skull, how ridiculously thin my body was, how I looked shabby with my dress... everything.

Standing near Savannah made me realize how incomparable I was to her. I used to have everything… but now, I can’t stop feeling insecure, because life had drained me everything I had, and left me with nothing. Only this―a frail tiny string of life... of time.

I was jerked out of my own misery when I heard my name. I didn't realize because I was too busy wallowing alone in my own desolation. Slowly, I recognized where I was and I realized they we’re all staring at me with confusion... except Alex. He was, as usual, impatient. Disapproval screaming from his face.

"Oh, it's you!" the new comer smiled at me so sweet it came strange. Because it made me feel uncomfortable. It’s like she was telling me something else.

I looked at her eyes, and there it was—the grudge for seeing me back. "I didn't expect you would come back." Tumingin si Savannah kay Alex. "Xander, bakit hindi mo man lang binalita sakin na umuwi na pala si Faith?"

"You just returned from Paris," Alex answered curtly as he took a sip from his wine.

"Kahit na. You should at least told me the good news when we had coffee this morning."

I felt tiny shreds of ice pricked my heart as I stood there, listening to them. It felt like they had their own world, shutting me out effectively. And just the thought of Alex having a cup of coffee with her rather than sharing a meal with me was more stinging, right there inside my chest. Deep.

Do they do that often when I was gone?

I stopped myself from heaving a frustrated sigh. Right now, thinking questions that have no answers, only doubt, will make me miserable. And I refused to be miserable tonight. Not in front of these people with mean judgmental mind.

"Oh!" Napunta kay Savannah ang tingin naming apat, "Look, it's Kuya Ryan!" May itinuro itong tao sa kung saan. "Excuse me lang ha," paalam niya kina Janna at Billy na tumango lang. Aalis na lang sana siya nang tumingin siya kay Alex. "Gusto mo bang lapitan si kuya? You wanted to talk to him, right?"

Alex didn't answer but Savannah pulled him anyway. At hindi man lang nagreklamo si Alex.

Pinanood ko ang dalawa habang hawak-hawak ni Savannah ang kamay ni Alex papalayo hanggang sa tuluyan na silang nawala sa paningin ko.

And there it was again, the searing pain that was claiming my already bruised heart.

* * * * *

FOR the rest of the evening, Alex was close but distant and unbelievably cool. Perhaps seeing Savannah and I together had put things back into perspective for him. Perhaps he regretted giving me a chance again. Perhaps he’s wishing I hadn't gone here so he can spend the night with his best friend.

Whatever it is, this night, I saw my reality.

This night, I was the unwanted wife who will forever be condemned and will remain an outcast in society. These people will only remember me as Alex's unfaithful wife. And no amount of good deeds will erase those bad names that were already attached into my name. They would stay.

I am branded, marked. I am stigmatized.

And Alex―my beloved husband... he will always be ashamed of me and I will only bring him nothing but humiliation. He will always be distant, uncaring and aloof towards me. And one day, someone... someone will catch his scarred heart and heal it and that someone will take it away from me. She would take Alex away from me and I could do nothing to stop her.

Because by the time that comes, I might already be gone.