The Tears of Faith (Tagalog/Filipino)

Chapter 4 │ SCARRED

ALEX stood at the window of his study office. Hindi siya tumuloy sa kuwarto niya pagkatapos niyang lumabas sa kuwarto ni Faith kanina nang marinig niya itong sumisigaw mula sa isang masamang panaginip.

He looked at the distinctive lighthouse in the near distance and the wave after wave of the silent water, but saw none of it. His eyes narrowed on a specific subject occupying his thought.

Faith. Lady Faith Erwin-Smith. His wife.

His mouth twisted into an even thinner line. His deceptive wife. The wife who walked out on him and chose to forsake their marriage just a year after their wedding. Why? Because she wasn’t ready to deal with a committed relationship.

A drumbeat of rage beat under the surface of his skin. It’s still burned deep into his mind what happened that fateful night, like a bloodsucking leech draining him his blood.

It was a year after their wedding and he planned to surprise her on their first anniversary. That morning, Faith wasn’t feeling well. She's been having constant headache and she’s frequently tired. He wanted to stay with her that day, but she insisted that she’s fine and he should go to work.

Even against his will, he left her to rest that day. But he couldn't possibly leave his wife alone and sick all day. So, he decided to retire early from his office and come back into this house—only to find her gone. Just gone, leaving nothing but her wedding ring.

His denial protected him from going crazy. Faith couldn’t have left him. She was sick and she’s nowhere inside the house. He even thought she was in danger... or maybe worse.

Kung anu-anong bagay na ang pumasok sa isipan niya nang araw na iyon. Hinanap niya si Faith sa lahat ng ospital malapit sa bahay nila sa pag-aakalang sinugod ito sa ospital. Tinanong din niya ang kaibigan nila at pinuntahan lahat ng lugar o sulok na alam niyang pinupuntahan nito.

He still kept looking and looking. Weeks passed, months, and then years before he could accept the fact that Faith was gone. She left him without saying goodbye. Without any reason, anything. She had betrayed him.

That was three years ago and he has not laid eyes on her from that moment to this.

He’s still in shock of seeing her two days ago when he saw her standing inside the house that she left behind all those years. He almost thought he was seeing a ghost from the past. That he was going completely crazy. But no, he was not.

She was there. Alive and breathing. She came back after three years of despair. She had come home when he was able to forget her.

He reeled with the violent emotions that she had evoked within him―emotions that he tried hard to suppress long ago when she showed him how despicable and unworthy the woman he married.

Why couldn't she have just totally disappeared? Why couldn't she leave him alone?

Well, he knew damn well why. Money—no doubt including his. She’s back to get everything her greedy little hands could touch.

It enraged him how she could outrageously swarm back to the scene like she has rights despite the fact that she abandoned him, in the most painful way. Gusto niyang pagsisihan at bawiin ang sinabi niya kaninang umaga. Why the hell did he even give het that second chance when he knew well her real intentions? How could he even think that he could possibly forgive her after what she had done to him? To their marriage? She wasn’t even worth it.

Yet, much to his utter dismay, faced with her soft sleeping form, he’s helpless against a rush of memories. The first moment he had seen her across a packed function room where he had attended to meet one of the most powerful and influential man in the business industry. Daniel Sebastian Erwin, Faith's father.

She'd been unbelievably awkward then as if she was a child lost in a cruel world. Anyone wouldn’t expect her to be the daughter of Daniel. Wala sa hitsura nito ang pagkakaroon nito ng dugong bughaw. But even then, he became fascinated with her. He was somehow drawn to her innocence and ungracefulness that made her different from those women with classy yet cunning faces.

She didn’t notice him that night. She was busy frowning and scowling at every people staring at her, men in particular. She'd been attracting attentions even though she's too timid and clumsy. And she seemed oblivious about it.

He thought maybe he was just that―fascinated. But it was proven wrong when he saw her alone and walking around the garden outside the function room. Like an old cliché, their eyes met and he was taken how she looked at him with indifference―a rather different look from what he’s used to receiving.

It took him a hard time introducing himself. He had no idea what she might think of him and her opinion actually mattered to him. He wanted to leave an impression.

But when he finally had the chance to touch her hand, a glitter lurked behind those beautiful eyes. A slow smile appeared on her face and he found himself holding his breath. Because in her smile, he thought saw something more beautiful than the stars. And he knew right there and then that this girl was the one…or so he thought.

He couldn’t believe that his naive, unassuming wife could turn his life upside down in just one strike. Hindi niya akalaing maloloko siya nito nang ganoon kadali. Or maybe he was just duped from the beginning for falling to her deceptive charm. For believing her to be different.

It made him the biggest fool and he felt like the whole world was laughing at him right now.

His mouth tightened in rejection of the way his thoughts seemed to be defying him, leading him to a place he vowed he’d never want to visit again.

He stepped noiselessly back out of the room and vowed with everything in his body, with every drop of his blood that she would pay for her actions a million times over. At sisiguraduhin niya iyon bago pa matapos ang apat na buwan nito.

* * * * *

I FELT groggy the following morning and my head felt heavy on my neck. But even so, I still tried to stand up and got off the bed. I pulled the drapes further from the window, letting the sunlight stream into the room and opened the French door wider.

The cold, fresh air surely felt good. But last night… last night was terrible. I remembered Alex waking me up from that awful dream. He’s here last night and he heard me screaming in my sleep.

“Good morning, hija.” Sumilip si Nay Julia pagkatapos kumatok sa pintuan. “Gising ka na pala.”

“Kagigising ko lang po, Nay.”

Ngumiti siya. “Mabuti naman. Magbihis ka na at nang makapag-almusal ka,” aniya at muling isinarado ang pintuan.

I took a quick shower and went downstairs. But as soon as I was approaching the dining room, a voice stopped me from stepping inside.

I felt self-conscious all of a sudden, well aware that I must look shabby with my worn-out clothes. It’s just so long since I worried about my clothes and my looks and I certainly didn’t expect him to be here. Akala ko’y nasa opisina na siya nang ganitong oras.

Get over it, Faith, saway ko na lang sa sarili ko. I have no time to worry about those trivial things. So, despite the erratic thumping of my heart, I took a deep breath and went in.

Two sets of eyes turned to me as soon as I appeared. One of them I did my best to block out and focused on Nay Julia. I couldn’t help a smile from spreading across my face. She looked like a mother hen, fussing over Alex. Ngumiti siya kaagad nang makita ako at mabilis na niyakap at hinalikan.

For one amusing moment, I listened how she nagged Alex about finishing the food piled up on his plate. But even that scene made my heart twist because that’s what I used to do. Alex was always on a rush and he tends to skip his meals or leave them unfinished and I always worry about him a lot.

“I trust you slept well?” Alex said with his arctic tone. I don’t know if he’s asking me that because of last night or if he only wanted to show Nay Julia that we’re civil at least, but I’m sure it’s the latter. I doubted if he really wanted to know or that if he cares.

Reluctantly I looked away from his numbing distrustful gaze and nodded quietly. I eyed the round dining table and its four vacant chairs while thinking if I should take my usual seat or not and I was at a loss. And worst was, Alex seemed completely indifferent about my inner struggle. He just kept on sipping his morning coffee, expecting me to just leave voluntarily.

Nay Julia broke the uncomfortable ensuing silence and forced me to sit on one of the vacant chairs—in front of Alex. “Niluto ko ang mga paborito mong ulam, hija,” she was saying. “Naku! Mabuti na lang at nagawi rito sa kusina itong asawa mo. Matagal na niyang hindi natitikman itong mga lutong ito. Palibhasa'y palaging sa mga mamahaling restaurant kumakain.”

Alex slid a mocking glance at me and threw a benign one to Nay Julia. “Ayoko naman po kayong pagurin sa pagluluto kung wala naman pong kakain.”

There’s a myriad of silent insults in that comment but either Nay Julia was oblivious to it or she just chose to pretend she wasn’t noticing anything and chattered on about her cleaning schedule and what she’ll cook on dinner later.

Honestly, I feel relieved that she’s here to divert Alex's attention from me. I don’t think I’ll be able to force food down my throat when I’m alone with him.

“Oo nga, pala. Tumawag kagabi ang Mommy mo. Daanan mo raw siya ngayon kasama ang kapatid mo," ani Nay Julia kay Alex na nagpahinto sa pagsubo ko.

My insides clenched at the mention of his sister. I completely forgot about them. I’m sure I'd have to face them sooner or later. And I still don’t believe that time and circumstances had made her sister more amiable to me. Ganoon na talaga siya sa akin simula pa lang. She hated me form the very start.

Agad kong pinakalma ang sarili ko. Well, at least, she didn’t know yet that I returned.

Just then, Nay Julia excused herself and said she has to collect dirty clothes, leaving me alone with my estranged husband.

“Have I lost your appetite?” Alex asked as soon as Nay Julia was out of ear shot. Mabilis akong umiling. He eyed my barely touched food and a smirk played on his lips. Liar. It’s what he wanted to say.

I couldn’t really say I can’t eat with him in front of me. Not when I feel so unwelcomed and unwanted.

Ibinaba niya ang iniinom niyang kape at binuklat ang katabi niyang newspaper. “So, no more dreams last night?”

I shook my head. “No.”

He eyed me carefully above the paper and I had to look away and bring my head down, trying to hide the purple shadows beneath my eyes. I don’t want to be called a liar twice.

“Tell me, does it always happen? Nightmares?”

Again, I know he doesn’t really care. But I can handle a decent conversation for once. “Sometimes.”

“And do you always end up crying and screaming like that in your sleep?”

I thought for a moment. “I do cry sometimes but I rarely scream. It also depends on the weight of my dreams.” Even when I dream about my past life, my dad, my mom, and Alex… I still end up crying because they’re the most heartbreaking. But last night was intense than any other of my nightmares. It seemed so real and terrifying. “Pero minsan lang naman iyon. I’m sure hindi na mauulit iyon.”

“Well, I'm sure it's your guilty conscience,” he said nonchalantly but his face was anything but. He folded his paper and stood up, throwing the napkin on the table.

“Alex...” I called before he could leave. “Can we just pretend that we’re civil, at least? I'm here on your terms, I know that and I won't do anything that you don't want me to do. I just want a chance. That's all.”

I watched his ramrod back straightened as he held his body tight while looking disparagingly at me and my worn clothes. “All this effort of pretention… you really don't need to bother you know. You're getting the best chance you’ll ever deserve. Nandito ka na, hindi ba? Kaya huwag ka sanang umabuso.” He turned and walked out of the door.

Sinikil ko ang umahong sakit mula sa dibdib ko at tumayo para sundan siya. “Sandali!” I called. He stopped and turned, impatience and stubborness etched on every line of his body. “Gusto ko sanang makita si Tita Irene.”

I had to stop my feet from taking a step backward as he retraced his steps back to stand close to me with utter contempt. “I only agreed for you to stay so don't give me any reason to regret my decision.”

I know I had no rights anymore. I know it’s my fault. But why do I still feel this deeply hurt that he has absolutely cut me off?

* * * * *

I WAS busy cleaning my room that afternoon. Inalis ko ang mga luma, mga expired na gamit, at mga damit at sapatos na hindi ko na puwedeng isuot. Then maybe I could give them to those less fortunate people who would wear them as I wore them. Happy.

Nakarinig ako ng ingay sa ibaba. I called for Nay Julia pero mukhang wala siya sa bahay. Kaya ako na lang ang bumaba.

“Faith?”

Pagtingin ko sa ibaba, nakita ko ang best friend ko. Si Emma. Then I heard someone shrieked.

The voice came from me.

At bago ko pa mapigilan ang sariling mga paa ko, tinakbo ko iyong hagdanan pababa, with her meeting me halfway and threw me a fierce hug.

I felt home.

Emma. She's been my person, who kept me strong, who always encouraged me to be the best, if not perfect, person I can become.

She was my alter ego.

She let me go and looked at me with concern and troubled eyes, tears glistened in them. "I hate you," she said almost crying.

That made me smile. "I'm happy to see you too."

Niyakap ulit niya ako pero mabilis lang iyon. "God Faith! Where have you been? Tatlong taon kang nawala! You didn't even bother to call us. Alam mo ba kung gaano kami nag-alala sayo? We went nuts, you cheat!"

"I'm sorry for making you worry. I just... went crazy." She laughed gently at what I said even though I did not mean it as a joke.

"Well, you are a strange person. But this time, you really went crazy." Bumuntong-hininga siya. "Xander told Drew last night about you, that's why I knew..." Drew was her fiancé. "Ang pangit mo talaga. Nakakasama ka pa ng loob. Kay Drew ko pa nalamang bumalik ka na."

"Alam mo namang gusto ko ng surprisa, diba?"

"Yeah! And what you pulled three years ago was over-the-top, Faith. Ni hindi na-anticipate ni Xander ang nangyari. I didn't see it coming!"

Me too. I didn't imagine I could do it. But I did anyway.

"Paupuin mo muna ako. Saka mo ako kuwentuhan."

I was elated and glad seeing my best friend again that I didn't know what to tell her. Where do I begin?

I couldn't stain this wonderful surprise with my untold ugly story. At hindi nagpunta si Emma rito para marinig ang hindi pa niya handang marinig.

"So..." she said as she took a seat, "...where did you go?"

I knew she needed to know everything. But time was not appropriate. We both are not ready yet.

"Ems, I can't tell you yet. Pero malalaman mo rin pagdating ng tamang oras. Promise."

Her brows knotted. Her face was screaming dissatisfaction. I knew she wanted to ask more and milk me for answers, but she caught my eyes and understood the words I couldn't say. "Eh kumusta ka? Si Xander? Paano ka niya tinanggap?"

My heart dropped as I recalled the day I returned, as I stood there looking at Alex's face... the hatred in his eyes, his contempt, and his rejection. How he was disgusted to me.

I smiled through my heavy heart. "He was unhappy, I guess. I surely didn't get a hug if that's what you're hoping." Hindi siya tumawa sa biro ko. "Inasahan ko naman iyon pagkatapos ng ginawa ko. But at least he did not drag me outside and throw me out of the house."

"Ginawa mo pang biro itong nangyayari," she sighed. "Xander... he was badly hurt. Pero hindi niya kayang saktan ka. He loves you so much. He will come around sometime, you'll see. Hindi naman habang panahon niyang iipunin ang sama ng loob niya sa nangyari. And I believe it because I know you more than anybody does. You won't do anything stupid without a valid reason."

Kahit papaano'y gumaan ang mabigat na pakiramdam ko. Emma always does. She accepted me without even asking for explanation. She still believed me and trusted me even after what I did.

I wished Alex would do the same and everybody else.

But that was asking for too much. I would need a miracle for them to forgive me. I lost his trust. And it will take time to fix it.

"So how’s everybody?" Sinubukan kong ibahin ang daloy ng usapan.

Ngumiti na rin si Emma na parang may naalala itong nakakatawa. "Everybody's fine. Daisy met a guy named Ethan after Joel cheated on her. And Janna got married!" excited na kuwento niya.

"Si Janna? Talaga? Kanino?"

"Siyempre, sa longtime boyfriend niya. Si Billy." Billy? As in yung bestfriend ni Alex.

"Pero akala ko break na sila?" nagtatakang tinanong ko.

"They got back two years ago."

Two years ago. When I almost...

I shove down that grievous thought and focused on the present. That was how I will be able to survive.

"Tamang tama. Malapit na iyong anniversary ng dalawa. You should come." I felt uncertain. Hindi ko alam kung papayag si Alex. "Didn't Xander told you about it?"

Hindi ako sumagot kasi alam na ni Emma ang sagot sa tanong niya. Alex had no intention of bringing me along that was why he didn't tell me. Or maybe because I never asked.

"Well, Xander won't have a choice because Janna is your friend. He will have to bring you because if he did not, Janna will never forgive Billy."

I smiled. It was that I realized how I've been missing those guys.

Will they ever stay this way when that time comes?