“Tamsyn.” I wake,to feel hands on my body, slightly shaking me. My eyes still see blurry and I rub on it to see Jason, hovering above me.
“Hello?” I say, pulling myself in a sitting position.. I wipe my mouth and finger comb my hair just to be more presentable.
“Get ready.” Oh no. Does this have to do with the bald and blonde men. Am I going to be escorted to them now?
“Okay.” I say not even being able to see the time on the clock on the wall through the darkness. I climb out of my bed, feeling naked with my short butterfly pajamas. I wish that Jason could just go and leave me to get ready on my own.
“Faster.” He ushers and Lana makes a movement in her bed. I quickly take out a jean and T-shirt with my sneakers. Should I change in front of him? I glance at him still standing with his arms crossed over his chest. I walk towards the bathroom, hoping he won’t say anything after me. I need to brush my teeth and wash my face in anyway. I close the bathroom door and put on the light. I don’t dare to waste any second, so I change as fast as possible into my jean and T-shirt. I splash my weary face with cold water and brush my teeth with quick movements. I dry my face with a lonely orange towel hanging next to the basin and apply some light make-up knowing Jason hates me with make-up. When I’m done I take a deep breath and escape the bathroom. Jason isn’t in here anymore. Thank God. I lightly shake Lana awake, and shush her so that she isn’t too loud.
“I need to go.”
“What do you mean?” Her voice is groggy.
“I just want to say if I don’t come back, I love you.”
“Wait, what?” This wakes her up and she sits up, violently rubbing on her eyes. I quickly look around and spits my ears to make sure Jason won’t come in.
I explain to her the incident of yesterday as fast as possible.
“What?” She seems to be thinking deep.
“I’ve got to go.” I give her a small peck on her forehead and hesitantly walk outside, to see no Jason in sight. Maybe whatever he wanted or what was going to happen isn’t going to happen anymore. Maybe he changed his mind.
I don’t go back in but walk towards the garage to see him waiting against the car door.
When he sees me he climbs in the driver's seat. I stand still, wondering what I must do. When he gives me a nasty look I quickly jump in the passenger seat and put my safety belt on. I so desperately want to ask him where we’re going but I don’t dare. He slowly drives off, going the same direction I usually run in the mornings.
“What were you doing outside the house so early in the morning?” He asks calmly. No. That’s the question I so hope he wouldn’t have asked. Must I tell the truth or must I tell a lie? I don’t know what lie I can tell in anyway.
“I went for a jog.”
“A jog?” He chuckles.
“Yes.” I clasps my sweaty palms nervously together.
“I don’t understand why you would want to go for a jog so early in the morning.”
Of course he wouldn’t cause I don’t either.
“You do enough training everyday.” He continues, but he doesn’t sound angry and that’s what scares me.
“I know.” I say and stare out the window. I don’t know what else to say. I hate feeling so small against him and always being so scared. Everytime he’s around me it feels like I lost my voice.
“There must be another reason,” He eyes me with hate, “You’re lying to me.”
“I’m not.” I get goose bumps over my whole body, feeling the aura of anger around him. The expression on his face stays calm but I can feel it. Anger. Ican see it in his eyes as I give him a quick glance. He stays quiet as he continues to drive and keeps his eyes on the road. Thankfully he isn’t road raging like he usually does when he's mad. While we’re driving, past the mall and places we would usually go to I try to calm my anxiety down with deep breaths and thoughts about the ocean. Thoughts about Cameron. I bite my lips as I try to hold back my smile. I don’t know whatI feel towards him but I can describe it as a warm fuzzy feeling. As if he’s a fireplace on a cold rainy day and comfortable coach with a lot of fluffy blankets and pillows. He never insisted that we do anything other than just talk. He became so goofy, making me laugh and we talked as if we’ve been lifelong friends. It doesn’t feel like I deserve someone like him in my life but he insisted on becoming a regular customer. I hate calling him a customer. I hate the fact that he knows what I do for a living. If we just could’ve met differently.
“Go Tamsyn, go.” The crowd chants. This is it. I’m almost done. But it feels like my lungs are going to burst of fiery fire bolting up and down as I breathe in and out. My whole body erupts in pins and needles and it feels like it’s pulling me down to the ground. My calves burn.
Oh no. Am I done. Where is the finish line? Shouldn’t I have passed it already. Relax. Take a deep breath.
I can’t. Something is blocking. I can’t fill my lungs with enough air.
Come on. Don’t fail me now. Just keep going.
No, I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.
So I let my knees give in as I fall to the ground, seeing stars.
I try to calm my nerves. I try everything to just get back up, but my body fails me. Water. I need water.
“You okay?” I look up, to see a tall handsome man, offering me a bottle of water.
I take it and squeeze the soothing coldness down my throat.
“Thank you.” I say through sharp and quick breaths. Why does he have to see me like this. All red and sweaty? He offers his hand and I hesitantly take it, hoping he won’t say anything about my sweaty palms. He doesn’t. He gives me a concerned smile.
“Thank you.” I say again, shyness confronting my aura.
He’s very nice.
“Don’t give up.” He says and I nod, agreeing. I’ve come so far and he has given me new strength.
“Thank you.” I say one last time and sprint off. No one has passed me yet so I’m still ahead. People are standing next to the track screaming for me to go faster and that I’m almost done. I force my legs to work harder and faster when I hear footsteps behind me. Oh no. The person is coming at a high speed and I quickly look back to seea girl with her hair whooshing in the air and her face determined. When I look before me I can see the finish line. Okay this is going to be a challenge. I can’t let her beat me. I start to run faster but she end s up next to me. I can see her step ahead so I challenge myself to go faster.
Come on Tameryn! I push harder until we are at the exact same pace. I can see her head darting to my feet as well like mine to hers. I put in my core and all the strength I have all over my body. Go, go, go. I’ve never run this fast before. It feels like I’m running with lead all over my skin as I step over the finish line. Who won? Who stepped over the finish line first? I catch my breath with gasps and look at the girl with a small smile. Whoever won, we both did a great job. I look around at the people who’re supposed to tell us who won, but they look confused as well. We wait in anticipation. I just want to sit down and let go of all this tension all over my body. When an old man walks up to me and lifts my lumpy arm in the air I feel confused, but when people cheer I know I’ve won. Yes! I did it! I give the girl who came second a clammy hug, telling her she did a great job and she does the same.
The man who helped me comes up to me with a big bush of beautiful and colorful flowers.
“Congratulations.” He says.
“Tameryn!” I escape out of my daydream, hearing Jason’s angry screaming voice. I hope I didn’t zone out to not hear anything he said.
“Yes?” My voice comes out small and quivering.
“You didn’t cover up your birthmark.” Oh no. I look at my open arm and the brown patches are still very much visible.
“I forgot, I’m sorry.”
“You know I hate seeing it.” He eyes it with hate, “I hate it.”
Why did I forget it? I’m so stupid.
“I’m sorry.” I want to look around to see if I’ll find some fondation or something but I know I won’t. I also didn’t bring a jacket.
“Why are you like this?” He siss.
I stay quiet waiting for him to continue lashing out on me.
“Why do you always have to be so hard to handle?”
A lump forms in my throat. Don’t cry. I suck in a sharp breath, feeling like a complete baby.
He shakes his head and turns his attention in front of him. When my eyes scan the environment around us I get sick to my stomach. I know this street all too well.
I give Jason a quick planning, now knowing exactly what he’s planning. Now I know why he’s been so calm the whole time. He’s evil.
I rest my head on my hand with my elbow on the side of the car. I wish this day is already over and done with. My nerves are killing me just thinking about what’s going to happen.
My eyes land on the small white cross, laying sideways on the grass, circles with fake flowers. I know that cross and flowers all too well. I close my eyes until the car comes to a stop.
Please just turn around. Please just have some faith.
“Get out.” He instructs and even though my brain isn’t thinking properly, my body does the job and obediently climbs out the car. He starts walking on the pavement and I follow behind him and am reminded of so many things. The garden is better and more lushier than the last time I was here. The place is more quiet than usual. When we enter a foul smell engulfs my nose and I start to breath through my mouth. An old lady with a pixie cut hair walks up to us with a big smile on her face. Aunt Yetti.
“My dear Tammy.” She places her cold hands on either side of my cheeks and looks me deep in my eyes.
“Hi aunt Yetti.” I let her embrace me with a strong hold. I look at Jason who’s looking at us with a big toothy grin. I hope I’m not doing anything wrong.
“How have you been?” Her voice and hug are so comfortable I wish I could stay in her embrace forever.
“I’ve been great.” I answer, plastering a big fake smile on my face. I’m sure she won’t notice anything wrong. When she opens her mouth to speak a loud noise confronts us. An old woman singing in a high opera voice and pretending she’s a ballerina busies herself behind us. Aunt Yetti almost run towards her.
“Polly!” Aunt Yetti grunts, “It’s nap time, you’re going to wake up all the others.” Oh. Now I know why everything is so quiet.
“Tam, you can go, you know where her room is.” Aunt Yetti says her hands full now. I look at Jason who starts walking in the direction of her room.
“Come.”He says with a small evil smile on his face.I swallow and follow after him. When we stand in front of the door with the ‘O63’ painted on it Jason lightlu knocks on the door.
“Come in!” The all too familiar voice calls and Jason raises his eyebrows at me as he opens the door.
“Hi mom.” I say, trying not to tear up.
“Who are you?” She asks in a defense manner and Jason only starts laughing.
I hate him. I hate him so much.
I let my eyes travel all over her and I feel so shocked to see her aged so much. Her shoulder length hair is completely grey and her eyes weary.
I don’t know what to say to her.
“It’s us Aunt Margaret.” Jason starts and I briefly close my eyes.
“I don’t know you.”
It feels as if my hard is being lashed with something hard.
“Of course you do.” Jason’s voice comes out hard and sarcastic. When he takes a step forward mom, with fright in her eyes, moves backwards on her bed, until she’s all scrunched up against the wall. Her room is small and messy, pillows and blankets laying around. Her desk is scattered with colored pencils and drawings are stuck on the wall, next to the small window. Drawings of the sun and stick persons. Drawings only kids would draw.
“Please leave.” She begs. When Jason makes another move forward I stand my ground, grab his arm and drag him outside of the room. I don’t care what he’s going to do to me, I just can’t stand the sight anymore. The sight of mom’s hands trembling and the expression on her face of fright and uncertainties.
He doesn’t do anything like I thought he would, only leaving me with the words that he constantly reminds me off.
“Don’t forget who pays for your mom’s care!”