Earthshaker

Chapter 35-1

Chapter 35I stared at the floor, feeling lost. Feeling numb. "Why wouldn't you stop me from killing myself, Duke?"

"Because you told me not to." Duke leaned forward in the chair and folded his hands between his knees. "You made me swear not to try to stop you. So I had no choice, you see? I had to stand there and...watch you do it." He shook his head slowly from side to side. "It was the worst day of my life. Of either of my lives."

"But why?" Looking up, I saw my face in the big mirror above the dresser. So familiar, yet so strange. What had I looked like when I'd died, I wondered. "Why would I want to kill myself?"

Duke hesitated. "Because you found out the truth."

"About what?" I said.

"About yourself." Duke unfolded his hands and started playing the invisible piano again. "About your lives. About all of them."

"Why would that make me want to die?" I said.

"I don't know," said Duke. "You didn't tell me."

"Wait." I frowned and shook my hands in front of me. "I thought you knew about my past lives."

"Not much," said Duke. "Only what little I needed to carry out my programming. To uphold my responsibilities as your moon."

"My moon? What does that even mean?"

"Your helper," said Duke. "Your aide. Your squire, if you will." His fingers bounced through the air with a little flourish. "The latest in a long line, Gaia. Designed to keep you in balance. Brought to life to keep you from spinning out of control."

"The latest in a long line?" I said. "How long? And what happened to the ones before you?"

"I don't know how long," said Duke. "Five, at least, though I suspect there were many more. I only know what I've been able to piece together from old journals and notes." His fingers slowed their playing. "As for what happened to them, it's a mystery. They could be dead or alive for all I know. None of the journals have shed any light on this."

"And you said I made you?" I rose from the bed and stepped up to the mirror. Stared into the reflection of my eyes as if that might somehow jar loose a memory. "When did I make you?"

"Thirty-six years ago," said Duke. "Right after the end of my first life in 1974."

"And you were there at the end," I said.

"Yes," said Duke. "It was one of the worst days of either of my lives. I knew you were going to die anyway, but watching you kill yourself was something else all together."

"Wait a minute." I frowned. "You knew I was going to die anyway? What's that supposed to mean?"

"You were running out of time," said Duke. "You would have died whether you'd killed yourself or not. We both knew it."

"How?" I rubbed my eyes and dragged my hands down my cheeks. "How did we know this?"

"Because," said Duke. "You were nearly thirty years old."

I stared at him as if he were speaking a foreign language. I didn't say a word.

Duke kept talking. "You see, thirty years is all you get. That's how long each life lasts. Then, your time is up."

I nodded slowly. "Thirty years." I walked out to the bathroom and unwrapped a complimentary plastic cup. Filled it with water from the tap and had a drink. My mouth was dry as cotton rolled in sawdust.

I made my way back to the main room, lost in thought. Wondering what all of this meant to me. Coming back again and again to one fact that suddenly had new, ominous meaning.

My life as I knew it had lasted five years so far. I looked twentysomething, I'd always thought of myself in a general way as a twentysomething...but I could only remember five actual years of life. Which meant I had twenty-five years left. Not forty or fifty or sixty.

If Duke was right, I was due to die in twenty-five years.

"So." I had another drink of water. "Thirty years, and poof. Game over."

"And then you start over." Duke drew a circle in the air with his finger. Paused at the starting point, then scrolled around the circle again. "You start the next life. You're reborn."

I scowled. "Not the same, though."

Duke shook his head. "Thirty years younger, of course. You start your new life at a physical age that's the equivalent of your early twenties. But your memory is wiped clean. You remember nothing of the life that just ended."

I thought of the visions I'd had. So many vivid scenes of the distant past, so much stronger than dreams. "Nothing at all?"

"Which is why you need your moon," said Duke. "Because you need someone to take care of you after your rebirth. Someone to guide you when you awaken with no memories."

I drank the rest of the water, then put the cup down on the dresser. Felt strangely calm for someone who'd just been told her whole life is based on lies. Maybe because there was so much to take in, so much to consider. Maybe because it all seemed so unreal. "But why, Duke?"

"Why, what?" said Duke.

"Why any of it?" I sat back down on the bed and leaned toward him. "Why do I die every thirty years? Why is my memory erased?"

"I don't know, Earth Angel." Duke shrugged. "I wish I did."

"There's nothing in the journals you mentioned?" I said.

"Nothing," said Duke. "The only one who knew it all was you, in your past life."

I thought about it a moment. "And if she could find out then, maybe I can do it now."

Duke frowned. "And maybe you shouldn't try."

"But I have to know," I said. "I need to know."

"That's what she said." Duke raised his eyebrows. "And look how she ended up."

"But, Duke," I said. "Don't you want to know the truth about all this?"

"Not bad enough to take the chance the knowledge might make you kill yourself again." Duke reached over and took my hand. "I don't ever want to go through that again, Gaia."

I swallowed hard. Asked the question I'd been afraid to ask until now. "How did I...how did she do it, Duke?" I took a deep breath and released it. "How did she kill herself?"

Duke shook his head emphatically. "I won't tell you," he said. "I'll never tell you." His gaze was unwavering.

I decided not to press the question. "I'm still going to find out the rest," I said. "Laurel knows something, I'm sure of it."

Duke sighed. "Are you different now?" he said. "Since I told you these things tonight? Have you changed?"

"I guess not," I said. Not really, I hadn't changed. Not deep in my heart. I was confused and upset and hungry for more answers, but I was still the same person deep down.

"Do you think it hurt you, not knowing what you know now?" Duke tipped his head to one side and gazed searchingly into my eyes. "Did you live in constant misery? Did you feel lost because you didn't know who you really were?"

I couldn't lie to him. "No, I didn't."

"And do you believe me when I tell you what happened in your past life?" said Duke. "When I say you killed yourself because the whole truth about your life was too awful to bear?"

"I believe you."

"Then please." He squeezed my hand hard. "Thanks to the loophole in my programming, I've given you the warning I've always wanted to give: too much information could kill you. Be satisfied with what you know."

I knew he said it because he cared. I knew he said it for my own good. But I wondered how he could imagine for even a second that I could ever let this go. That I could forget about the past now that I'd had a taste of it. Now that I knew something terrible had happened a long time ago, terrible enough to drive me to kill myself.

I pulled my hand away from him and shook my head. "Could you, Duke? Could you forget about it?"

Duke nodded. "If my life depended on it..."

"Maybe you could. You're programmed differently, aren't you?" I got up from the edge of the bed and looked at myself in the mirror. Wondered how many lives I'd lived, how many times I'd died. Wondered how many times I'd found out the truth and killed myself. Wondered how many times I'd had this same exact conversation. Felt this same bubble of anger take shape in my heart, dark and demanding. "After all, you were able to keep this secret from me all my life. You were able to look me in the eye day after day and never say a word about any of it."

"I told you, I didn't have a choice," said Duke.

"Whatever you say." As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt bad about them. Especially because I believed him for the most part when he said he'd had no choice. But it didn't matter that I believed him, if you know what I mean. All that mattered was how I felt at that moment, which was angry. Angry that my past was so much different than I'd thought it was; angry that Duke had known all along and said nothing until now. Angry that the one person who was closest to me in all the world had turned out, in a way, to be my betrayer.

"Please, Earth Angel." Duke got up as I walked past on my way to the door. "Please let go of the past."

I turned on him. Didn't bother to hide my anger. "Why should I? It's not like I've got a bright future ahead of me, is it? It's not like I'm not going to die in a few years, is it?"

Duke shrank from me. I could see he felt awful. And at that moment, I'm ashamed to say, I didn't give a s**t. I really wanted someone to take it out on, and he was handy, and he was an easy target.

"I need to get out of here." I spun and threw open the door to the warm night air. "I need to get away." From you, I might as well have said. But I guess he got the full message.

I marched out the door onto the balcony walkway. Instead of heading for the door to the room I shared with Laurel, I turned toward the stairway leading down to the ground floor. Time for a f*****g walk.

Duke stood in the doorway of his room and watched me go. "I'm sorry, Gaia. I swear I had no choice."

I stopped and turned back. "Are you sure about that? Are you sure you couldn't have let something slip out? Something that would've led me to order you to tell me the truth?" I took an angry step toward him, jabbing an index finger at him. "Like tonight, when you accidentally mentioned letting me kill myself in my past life?"

Duke looked around like he was afraid someone might be listening. "That was an accident. I could never have said that intentionally without a direct order from you."

"Sure, Duke." I flashed him a glare, then spun on my heel and marched toward the stairs. "See you later."

He hollered after me. "See you first thing in the morning, right? We have to be at Late Jim's diner at six."

I kept walking and didn't answer him. Let him be the one left guessing for a change, I thought.

I kept walking down the stairs and across the parking lot and into the warm West Virginia night.