chap 18
887 Words
ALEX
I feel like s**t. I should control my anger and resentment that I had for her. But in reality i don't know why I'm really angry with her. It wasn’t that she left Emma unattended just for fun. Even if I can make this mistake then why did I react like this like she is a f*****g criminal. I should have stopped that moment when I saw the panic and fear in her eyes. And god the things i have said to her. I can see myself how she was breaking in front of me . But I need to hit the final nail in the coffin when I make a crude suggestive remake of how she is enjoying my touch when she is faking it like she doesn't want to just like her mother. f**k. No matter what, I should never bring her mother's name in any case. Not only is it disrespectful but morally wrong to judge her by her mother's profession. But at that time I was angry at myself that how can I crave her so much even knowing how much I loved Emily and no one can take her place. It felt like betraying her when I touched Kate. But I can't deny it after a year I felt this strong pull and attraction for someone. Kate makes me alive and now she is my wife I feel strange possessiveness for her. Like she is mine to do. But the though make me feel ashamed as she was f*****g human being with feelings that I always hurt. I grabbed my head and sigh. God what a mess I have created. I should understand her positon, all she is aksing some respect and regard from me but I failed to give that because of my stupid emotions. Kate's panic attack left me starlte it. The way she was gasping like she was dying. One thing is clear she has these frequently and what added more fuel to my girl that I triggered that attack. When I hold her terrified and shivering body. I just want to kill myself because of me she is in this state. She looks so devastated, scared and numb. I don't know how long we state like this but I keep whispering her words of appreciation and for some reason I meant everything. I entered my office and made myself a drink and got lost in my work so that I can work and try to forget what I did. But it was a miserable effort because I can see her fail and my guilt was telling me to go out and beg her to forgive me. I looked at the clock. It was almost 8:00, it was dinner time so maybe I could talk to her. When I get out I hear Emma and Kate giggling voices. Kate has changed to some brown dress and looked so fragile but much better than before. Her eyes were shining with so much love and happiness when she fed emma. How wrong I can be about her. She loves Emma so much it's evident from looking at both of them. But I shake it off. And walk straight towards them and I notice how Kate's whole demore changed. She becomes static like any minute I will do or say something to her. I smiled at Emma and kissed her forehead. Kate slowly stood from her chair and without looking at me she started passing me dinner. I was also super quiet and observing her. Without saying anything she sat down. I was quiet for a moment looking at her and checking her if she was ok. I try to avoid looking at her but all I can see is how quiet she is now, never lifting her head, looking so sad and slowly eating her food , which was still filled... why she is not eating properly .. she should be more hungry she doesn't eat properly during breakfast, lunch and now dinner... then I can't bear the quietness and break the ice ‘Dinner is very good’ I softy said to her She looks up in surprise and slowly nodded and said in a small voice without looking in my eyes ' Thank you’ And that's how our dinner went with heavy tension and cordially thank you. After dinner Kate put plates in the dishwasher and took Emma for a bath and then to bed. All this time I was thinking how to apologize to Kate, because looking at her so broken was killing me. I need to clear this bad air. I went to her room and saw her in sleeveless night gown and she was talking to someone She said " sir I know .. but i have to resign ... and don't worry about the project it is already done and send to your mail I was working on it today... I'm so grateful you want me back but I really need a break from work ... Now I'm married and have a 2 year old and unborn kid to take care of ... so plz understand.... sure sure sir when I'm looking for job again NYPH will be my first choice... ok goodnight' I feel more guilty that she was really finishing her project. ‘
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