One Sided Love

chap 19

Kate

I have been in bed for the whole day. I was so tired after my panic attack episode but my demons wont let me even close my eyes. Alex's words still ring in her head. I touch my heart and feel the sudden quietness there. But when I think about Alex it skips a beat. I smiled sadly my stupid heart look what you are doing to me. After all of this, it still wants Alex. After knowing his real feelings for me, how can I still love him. How can I still think about Hope when there is no hope in our relationship?

But I'm prone to punishment still making excuses why he said this to me. Me and my stupid heart looking for one chance of hope to make this work.

I tiredly get up and decide to take a bath and do some unpacking at least it would keep me busy not to remember about today

After bath, I went to check on Emma and smiled for my angel and cooked dinner.

After dinner, I went to call my boss where I told many lies to understand why I needed to resign. After ending my call I looked at Alex standing outside my door.

I give him a surprised look. What he wants now

I was uncertain " Hmm Alex... you.. you need something' Alex

He looked nervous as he was not sure where to start. ' yup everything is fine... I just want to talk to you... can I ? .... If you want to sleep ... then I will talk to you later'

I raised my brow in more confusion ' No you.. you can talk '

He came closer to me but then stopped like he was taken back with something. I followed his gaze and found him looking at my stomach which is looking a little profound and big in my nightdress. I grabbed the gown from the bed and wore it and hid my stomach from his vision. I don't want him to pass any comment on this knowing he got nothing good to say on this topic.

I can notice the change of expression like he can't bear to see me now.

He shook his head ‘I just want to check on you’

I replied straight ‘why?’

He intensely looked at me ‘You know why. Earlier you got a panic attack and Im f*****g feeling guirlty the I’m resposnble for this’

Of Course, he came here to reduce his guilt. 'Thanks Alex for checking me out but you can see I'm ok. And secondly just so you know these types of attacks can come and go anytime so don't blame yourself for this.’

But he was not having it and he picked my hand

' Dont’ please dont do this. I know what I did. My words, my behavior towards you trigger the attack… (He sighs) Im.. sorry ... i'm so sorry I can't even tell you how much ... I just lost control sometime when i'm angry... there is no justification for what I did ... but let me tell you I can't control the attraction that I have towards you ... you bring something inside me ...I ... just forgive me plz'

I was speechless. I tried to remove my hands and I whispered ‘ Alex..If you are saying this to make me feel better then you better not cause I can take your cruel words but not your lies.

He frantically shook his head and grabbed my face ‘ I swear I'm not lying. I was lying at that time ...you know before your attack but I swear I was angry more at me than at you. You know how much I love Emily even still now I miss her so much but being attracted towards you after her makes him feel that I'm betraying her ….i know it's an unreasonable excuse but that's true...You are after all Emily sister. But dad was right I should never get involved with you in the start but that's all in the past. I want to tell you that I do respect you and I will do regard you too. ‘

I looked at him with teary eyes ' I didn't know that you were attractive towards me.... I won't lie yes I was scared... you make me feel like some cheap wh##r ... you... ne.. never kissed me.... I will forgive you but Alex never treats me like this again. I can't tolerate this. Believe me I do want this marriage to work out but if you don't want kindly tell me right now'

He kissed my head' I’m a jerk ...a heartless bastard... but I won't do this again... and like you I want this marriage to work out too but …

I looked him keenly what he will say next

He sighs and runs his hand on his hair ‘But ...Please don't make me involved in your pregnancy...please don't take this in the wrong way but my feelings for this baby are still the same. So please don't tell me to get involved as a father to this baby. I know I'm a heartless person to say this but ….but when I think about this child my mind goes to my unborn son that i never got a chance to see. And when I saw you growing with a child my thoughts went to Emily and how excited she was...but all was lost...I lost everything now all i have Emma ...and i don't want to lose her and even let her think that she is not important.’

He did it again to kill me with his words but it was his tears that break me altogether. He was in pain and in constant guilt. I don't know how to make him realize that this child will have its own place in our life.

My eyes alos field with moisture. He lost so much already and he was afraid to get attached again. I didn't say anything but I know one day he will realize himself cause deep down I know Alex got a good heart and he truly cares and maybe ...i know it's wishful thinking but maybe once the baby is born and he can contemplate again and start accepting my child. I need to take this risk for my child.

‘I can understand. I know your pain and losing Emily also kills a part of me but I believe in miracles Alex and I know one day everything will be alright’ I passed him a sad smile.

He was quite looked me in enginamic. He slowly touched my hands and rubbed them a little.

There was a weird tension but a calm air among us. I wanted to ask so many things from him. I want to share so many things too but I know I need to take one day at a time.

He licked his lip ‘Kate…. Can I ask you something’

I nodded . He was comprehending his thoughts as it's clear from his expression ‘Do you have these attacks frequently? Again if you are not comfortable then no need to tell me anything but When you had a panic attack why didn't you take those medicine. I did some research that tablet wont hurt the baby if you had them once in a while’

I was in bewilderment. He researched that. My stupid heart took a back flip, his interest in my pregancy. But I composed myself and though not to think way ahead now

I nervously shrug ‘I really don't want to take any meds that can later put me and my baby in a difficult position. I'm just about to go to the second trimester. It's a little risky. And secondly I don't have these attacks frequently. Like I said they came and go anytime but I have been in therapy and learn some exercise to control it to some extent’

And when you start having these attacks?’ he look distuebed by it

I said ' when I was very little ... I think after my grandpa death...I was may be 5 year old'

He looked shocked ' you're having panic attacks for more than 20 years and you are telling me now.... no one .. not even emily never told me you're having attacks'

I sadly smiled ‘Because according to my parents I was faking it and creating unnecessary drama. And Emily I never had it in front of her. She was the only thing keeping me sane there. I used to have them when im..

I dont have to clarify it cause he already figure it out and He knowingly said ' when you're extremely tense or something triggered you...... f**k my words triggered something ..

I was thinking about my baby, sure Alex cant love him or her but he will not be like my father .... I have to stay because of emma ... n for my baby honor ... so I also make things clear with him too

I replied ' Alex don't put this on you... but I also want to say something... you have to promise me that if I ever agreed to all you have said then promise me you will never disrespect n humiliate our child publicly and personally n don't let anyone do that to and If I ever felt this then I will leave everything'

He gave an understanding look that what i'm talking about ' I promise you I will never do this to you and baby'

He still looks conflicted ‘Can I ask you something else too. Please when you have this attack please do tell me no matter wherever we both are just give me the sign I will be there for you. I don't want you to feel like you are alone in this’

And my heart was now bursting out with happiness and I think it was evident from my smile too.

I kissed his cheeks 'That's the nicest thing some had ever said to me. Ok You will be my first go-to person but I warn you I sometimes not say the nicest thing when I have an episode like that so ready for my foul language or we both can be in a wrestling match.’ I tried to lighten up the gloomy mood

He cracked a smile ‘A petite girl like you wrestling with me will be an interesting thing to watch. And I don't believe you don't even know the basic foulest words. But I can teach you some if you want to...I know some dirtiest too that works mostly on most of the girls’

He passed me a sexiest smirk. I raised my brow ‘Well I got no doubt on that. And I have seen you in action and you did some dirty stuff with me too...I remember how I need to hide those marks on my neck from my colleagues…

But I stopped from saying any further. s**t me and my non-filter mouth. He looked stunned and I turned red from embarrassment.

‘Ok ignore what I said’

He closed the distance between us and said in his deep seductive voice that makes me crazy ‘No i think i need more clarification on this. Did i mark you here’ He touched my neck

We both were looking at each other's eyes. Okkkk. Never in billions of years I thought we were having this discussion after pure emotional conversation.

I flinched when he brought his lips near to my neck and kissed me.And inhaled me deeply.

I was super quiet and tense too cause knowing previously we had this moment too and we both know how It turns out to be.

But I really want to savor this moment. He makes me feel something that I felt for no one.

But then he stopped and I was like this is the moment he will say he is not interested or put blame for me.

But he asked ' Are you sure kate... you can say stop if you don't want it'

I close my eyes in relief. Thank god he is not angry.

I nodded with a laugh ‘yes Im but we can take slow if you want’

This time he lost it and laughed hard. ‘Well that's the first time someone had said this to me to take it slow. Kate if it wasn't obvious I want you way too badly.

He didn't wait for any moment again and marvelously we both got lost in each other. He was super gentle. What came as a surprise was that I was a point to embarrassment and way too much responsive evident from my moaning which accelerated him to lose control a little as he groaned loudly but he put my comfort and pleasure first.

We both were sweating and breathing loud.

I was on cloud nine. My stupid heart nudged me to cling to him and hold his the whole night.

I hesitantly hold his back. He became a little stiff but then he turned to me and graced my face in the gentlest manner.

I shrink back in delighted.The calmness and content in his eyes for me way too much. His hand went down to touch me but when he accidentally touched my stomach, he flinched so badly like he touched a burning fireball. He got up from the bed and without looking at me he started gathering his clothes.

I was shell shocked what the hell happened. I was hurt would be an understatement but I was numb too. His reaction was still so unexpected

I thought he didn't regret our time. That's why he is in a happy mood. He suddenly said ' kate ... I never regret what happened.

Shit I really said that aloud

I replied ‘then what happens

He looks tormented like it's killing him to say this 'Kate….there is a thing... I don't know how it is going to sound but I'm not trying to make you feel sad or act like a jerk .... but the thing is I can't do love and romance .... Emily takes my heart with her and my ability to love.... same with this baby ... I will try to fulfill his or her every need but Emma is going to be my first priority so after this baby... please don't take this in a wrong way but after this baby, I will not act as a father to him but a guardian that's all. I know im asking alot and giving less but this is the man I have become please bear with me if you can.... because my demands are still there which I made with you and im jerk to say this but this is just s*x nothing else... there will be days I will become distant with you ... I will not even fake a public display of affection because I can't lie to you and everyone gives you false hopes .... there will be a time I will become angry and sat s**t but I will never disrespect you that way I used to you'

I kept looking at him . He was brutally honest but my heart still has the capacity to hurt so much till now that I'm amazed I can even ignore what he said about that he can't love me but our baby he will not be a father but act as a guardian to my baby.