One Sided Love

chap 17

Kate 

After Alex had put me to bed and given me tea and crackers I thought for a moment maybe he cared about me. Why I thought that I don't know, maybe no one ever took care of me when I was sick.

 After that I was a little better so I  thought before mailing my resignation I should first call Olivia my friend to tell her about everything. Olivia was out of town when I got married but I know  it will hurt her that didn't tell her anything

So I called her ' hi Olivia  ' 

She replied ' oh kate... how r you... I really miss you.. so what's  happening' 

Then I told Olivia about everything she was shocked about and started asking questions. I  answered them as long as she got satisfied. 

She sounds confused  ' But still I can't get it why are you not working again you can  take care of Emma like you used to do... what about the project you  have '

I said ' yeah I'm working on it. It's almost complete. I'm going to finalize some things and then email the boss. And about my resignation, it's my own decision. I just want to relax a little and be pregnant and I can't focus on work'. I cringed how good lair I have become in the last few days

She then changed the topic asking me to send the wedding photos. I didn't tell her there was a single picture of me in Alex that was taken during court photographer. But I told her it will take some time to develop. 

Olivia started to tell me how hot Alex is and how good he will be. She can only imagine but what made me laugh was the way Olivia was saying but my happy moment was short-lived as I heard  Alex yelling my name in anger. 

I frowned ' Alex .. what happened .. everything is ok' 

He passes me dark a look ' nothing is ok... you are working here and laughing with your  friend but you forget about Emma... what the f**k I told if I thought you ever  neglect her for once second you have hell to pay for that 

I was still confused about what he is saying ' Alex I was not ignoring her ...she is sleeping in her bed, I put her  myself' 

He growled ' no she is in the lounge alone when she bumps her head.... something  terrible can happen if I didn't hear her cry' 

My eyes were bulging out  ' What? Oh, my god, is Emma is ok... I swear to god I didn't hear  her...otherwise I won't leave her.. you know that'

He said ' if you are not working ... which I remember I told you to not and then you must have heard her... so care to tell ..why didn't you leave your job' 

I try to reason with him ' Alex I’m was working on a project before that I can't leave that  now ..so I was immediately clearing my work and after that, I was going to  write the resignation ' 

He was not making an effort to listen to me ' these are just excuses... but you know what I said there  will be consequences 

I said ' Alex listen to me. 

But before I could complete my sentence he grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him. ‘No you listen to me I made that clear from time to time Emma is everything to me. You are here for a reason. If Emma was not in the picture I would never consider you for my wife. You got one job to take of my child that is. If you failed this job then I don't need in my hour and my life

His cruel words were hitting me straight to my heart. My eyes were filled with tears but my anger overcame that and I stopped them at bay. ' Alex, first of all, left my arm. Secondly, I know my f*****g job. I know I'm here for Emma only and I never neglected her even before our marriage but besides that don't forget I’m your wife too, you just can't treat me like this.

He tightened his hold ‘ You are not the wife. We are married but in name only. Don't think ahead, this marriage of shame has some conditions that you need to understand. (He sighs) That's the f*****g reason I don't want to marry again or have a child with anyone else but everything is ruined because…

He stops but I know what he wants to say’ Why did you stop. Say it, because of my right? I'm responsible for everything that's happening in your life. Did I force you to sleep with me right? My child is conceived without a father, right? 

He rolled his eyes 'don't be ridiculous you are just putting words in my mouth. 

‘Oh yes, I’m. Why don't you do one thing to make a list of all my shortcomings and the things I can do and can’t do? Because you are so good at being a judgmental asshole. Who just can't accept his own mistakes and put blames on others. Accept it or not, I'm your wife and I'm carrying your child. So before you give me a lecture on child negligence or their wellbeing think about what you are doing with your unborn child’ I just lost and jabbed him. I'm so tired and so done with this

He grabbed my cheeks and coldly said ‘careful kate you won't like it what will happen next if you keep running your mouth like that

I was a little scared of him by the way he was looking at me ‘Alex leave my arm right now…

His intense blue eyes sharpen ‘and what if I don't then what would you do? What you said before that you are my wife then I got right over you hmm. What do you think should make this marriage official?

I was shocked by what he was saying. I flinched when his hand touched my backside ‘Alex stop it.. lemme go I need to check Emma.

But he didn't as he tightened his hold. ' I put her to bed.’

Ok then lemme go’ i was now struggling because he literally captured me in my arms. 

I was shivering as he started fondling my body

‘Alexx...leave me….I know what you're suggesting but after what you said to me I just can't let you touch me. You don't even like me, how can you even ….‘

But he wasn't listening as he dropped me on the bed roughly and lied above me ‘Yes I don't like you and I wish I have never married you But it doesn't mean that we are going to be living like that... I have some needs too and since you have pointed out repeatedly you are my wife then it's your responsibility to fulfill my needs’ 

I know what he is saying but I know he wants to hurt me in some way 

' Alex ... please ... don't. I just can't let you use me like that I pushed him.

He shrugged and said in his emotionless voice ‘call it whatever you want. I may or may not be using you or punishing you or mere f*****g you, but I did warn you to don't put me on edge. And what are you complaining about...last time I remember you were clinging to me like a small little cat who is starving for intense passion..’ he kissed my neck and much to my disgust I was aroused and was feeling good

He continued doing that and then I  made a pleasant sound. 

He laughed ‘that the sound ….Look like you can drop your innocent act. Your father was right about you..you inherited the charm of seducing men. Look at me even I don't want you in my life but my body says other things. Tell me was it all plan Afterall to marry me and all ’

My shell shocked what he was saying. This totally breaks me. I know he doesn't want me in his life but knowing he still thinks of me in that light that I'm sort of a gold digger. 

I can't control my tears and sob, but then I feel myself getting choked. Like I can't breathe. I was literally gasping for air and then I felt intense pain in my chest side. I knew at that moment Im getting my panic attack

‘Alex…. please…’ 

 He might have guessed from my strange hollow voice that something is happening to me. He lifted himself from my body ' f**k kate...shit’

I pushed him and fell on my bedroom floor. And was breathing loudly and was rubbing my legs frantically. I was doing those exercises that the Doctor suggested to me.

But Alex's words keep on ringing in my ear it was much worse when he said I trapped him but treating me like a cheap wh##r  was a final nail to trigger my demons.

Alex starts rubbing my back and after so many years I got to see his soft and scared gaze on me ‘Kate ...please tell me what can I do….Im sorry ….so sorry ...fuck; he grabbed my face 

But I remove his hand and said in an unclear voice ‘j...just..good

He shook his head ‘no I can't leave you like this. You are having a panic attack...I can't leave you like this...but tell me you take any medicine or anything…(then he node) I remember you do! where is your medicine’

He stands up and run to the bathroom and open the medicine draw

‘Come on Kate take this. I have read it it's for this purpose’ he pulled the pill in my mouth

But I throw it ‘Noooo….noooo ... I can't.’

He looks confused  ‘but why.

I touched my stomach ‘Babyy.’

Her eyes got big in understanding ‘ok lemme call your doctor then...where's your phone

But I stop him and shake my head in fear ‘It….it will go away… she will...she will force me to..to have this pill...please don't’

He looks super tense and runs his finger on his hair ‘f**k…. I trigger your attack don't I...fuck’

I don't answer him cause my whole body was shaking and I collapsed on the floor and bring my knees to my stomach and hold it

He was still looking at me strangely then he was laid down with me and hold me from the front ‘Its ok Kate...it's ok kate….I'm sorry...I didn't mean anything ok...I didn't mean anything.’ he rubbed my back and whisper words of affection and encouragement that I knew all are fake.

After that, I don't know how long. My breathing got normal but I was so exhausted that I didn't have in me to stand up or even say anything.

‘hey you are ok’ he whispered

I nodded slowly but didn't answer him but I tried to get up but my exhaustion won as I fell on his chest.

‘hey wait lemme put you on the bed’ Alex offered and he picks me in bridal style and put me on my side out a blanket on me,

I don't want his kindness or his help. My tears were not taking a stop and making me more miserable. I turned my back to him and hid my head inside the blanket.

I can still feel him standing. I winded when he touched my shoulder and slowly called my name ‘kate’

‘Please go Alex...please’ I said to him in my sobbing tone.

His guilt was evident in his voice ‘ok im going but I'm sorry I don't know what happened to me. You were right about me. I need to stop blaming you. But what I did was unacceptable. I won't do this again.

I blankly stare at the wall and tears were still falling but I don't reply to him back