Falling for the Enemy

Wash Away our Sins

                                                                            Henry

After the corpse is buried she finally shows her humanity.  Throughout the entire ordeal tonight she was placid.  When I looked into her eyes I saw nothing. There was no fear, no regret, no despair, there wasn’t anything.  She looked void of any emotion like she wasn’t a living being.  I was amazed at the strength she kept finding throughout the night.  She never stopped, not until now.  Now she lay huddled on the ground curled up and holding tightly to her body.  I kneel next to her feeling the sobs moving through her and enwrap her in my arms.  She does not respond at first, her body still in the same position frozen but she must feel my warmth because her sobs stop for a moment and she looks into my eyes.  She begins crying again but this time she is gripping me and crying into my chest.  I maneuver my body to the ground and cradle her body on my lap.  I am holding her just as she was holding Susanah when I found them in the barn.  I wasn’t fast enough to keep up with her when Adam found us by the stream.  I knew I would get there too late but I prayed that it would still be in time.  But I wasn’t in time.  Catherine had to save Susanah alone.  She had to pull the trigger and kill the man that was hurting Susanah, alone.  I know what it is like to kill another human being and it changes you.  I would never wish that upon anyone especially Catherine.  She is the strongest woman I have ever laid eyes on but there is only so much one person can take.  I find myself rocking back and forth while I am cradling her in my arms, trying to soothe her the only way I know how.  I never held a woman like this before.  Looking down at her sweat and tear-stained face I move a few strands of hair from over her eyes.  She stops crying for a moment and just takes breath after deep breath, her chest heaving with each breath she takes.  It sounds as if she is drowning and is gulping for air.  Gently she places her hand on top of mine and holds it tightly to her cheek and she begins crying once more.  I don’t know how long I sit cradling her but I would have stayed with her all night if I had to.  I would do anything to help take her pain away, but we both hear the sound of the wagon coming down the dirt road between the willows.  

“Mary” whispers Catherine into my chest.  

She stands composing herself.  She halfheartedly pats her hair down and tries to place some of the free strands back in their rightful place and then she begins brushing her dress off.  I don’t know what she thinks she can do about her appearance.  She is covered in Susanah’s blood, the dead man’s blood, her own sweat, and dirt from the grave we just dug.  There is no hiding this. I don’t know why she treats her younger sister like she is a porcelain doll that will shatter at any moment.  Mary is a Cooney and if she is anything like her sister she can handle a lot more than Catherine is giving her credit for.  Catherine begins quickly walking towards the house and I find myself stumbling to stand up, grabbing my crutch I try my best to follow behind her.  Once again she is much quicker than I am and she meets Mary and Susanah parent’s before I make it to the front veranda.  I know instantly when Catherine tells them about tonight because Mary begins to sob and Susanah’s parents enter the house frantically.   When I finally make it to the veranda, Mary is gone and Catherine is alone on the front stoop.  

“They are inside tending to Susanah. I’ve told them there were three men and one of them was killed but we do not know where the other two have gone.” 

Catherine says holding her head in her bloodied and dirt-covered hands.  

“Samuel wants to go after the remaining two.  I only recognized Charles Sankey, I do not know who the other man was.  This is all my fault, I should have killed all of them on sight but instead, I allowed them to run, and now Samuel is going to risk his life hunting down Sankey.”   

I sit down on the front stoop next to her.  

“Catherine, you did everything you could in the situation at hand.  What more could have been asked from you? You probably saved Susanah’s life by arriving when you did.” I say touching the back of her head.  

“Yes, and what life did I save for her.  This life of remembering those cowards and what they did to her.” 

Catherine stands up and begins walking towards the barn.  I cannot believe how she just keeps pushing herself to keep going. I am exhausted from trying to keep up with her and the pain in my leg is throbbing throughout my entire body.  I just want to lie down and close my eyes and sleep for days but I can’t leave her alone tonight.  I don’t want to leave her alone tonight.  I don’t want her to ever be alone again.  I follow her into the barn limping as I always do.  I now know why her destination was the barn.  Catherine is scattering dirt over the large bloodstain in the middle of the barn, her face is tattered and exhausted.  I can see deep dark circles forming under her eyes and she is encrusted with dirt and blood just as I am.  I limp over and place my hand over one of hers and look into her eyes.  

“I will take care of this tomorrow, but now we need to wash this from our bodies,” I say looking at my hands and her hands. 

 She nods and keeps hold of my hand.  I slowly guide her outside of the barn. 

“I will be right back,” she says entering the home and returning with some linen, clothes, and a bar of soap.  

I again take her hand and lead her towards the pond behind the slave quarters.  Limping through the darkness I grip onto my crutch with one hand and her hand with my other, I can barely see anything but I have grown accustomed to this land and I am beginning to know it like my own home in North Rotta.  I know exactly where I am going, and I could make it there even if I could not see a thing in front of me.  When we make it to the edge of the pond, we turn to look at one another.  

“I know it will be cold but it’s the quickest way to rid ourselves of this filth,” I say in a low tone and she nods in agreement.  I hobble and turn so my back is facing towards her and she does the same.  Just knowing that she is undressing behind me sends my nerve endings racing, but this is not the time for these thoughts.   This is a time for healing.  I remove my bloodied and soiled clothes leaving just my long johns on and I begin limping towards the water.  Slowly I plod into the freezing cold water.  The water makes my skin come alive and instantly my lips start to shiver but I force myself to continue moving deeper into the water.  Behind me, I can hear Catherine moving into the water too. 

“It’s freezing” I hear her screech in a tiny voice.  

I continue into the water until it is up to my bare chest and turn to find Catherine.  She is right behind me and she moves in the water to stand in front of me.  We are facing each other in the water looking eye to eye, both of our lips trembling from the cold.  She holds up the soap in front of us 

“Would you like to go first?” she says a smile just barely touching her lips.  

“Ladies first,” I say through shivering lips.  

Catherine begins moving in the water scrubbing her arms and hands with the soap.  Little waves ripple out from her body and lap against my skin. 

“Turn around and I will wash your back and hair,” I say taking the soap from her hand.  

Without a word or any hesitation, she turns to face her back towards me.  She lifts her long chestnut brown hair off her neck and I begin gently lathering her neck and back.  I am careful to only wash where her skin is bare, I do not wash below the top hemline of her chemise.  

“Okay, you can let your hair down” and with that, she pulls the tie from her hair and shakes the braid out.  

She then dips under the water vanishing below the black surface for just a few moments and then pops back up.  I caress the soap into her hair and gently massage her scalp trying to remove all the blood and dirt from her hair. This is the first time I have seen her with her hair completely down and not in a braid.  I like seeing her this way.  

“Okay you can rinse” and with that, she disappears again below the surface.  When she pops back up she spits water on my face playfully.  

“Thank you, it has been a long time since someone has washed my hair for me,” she says.  

With this statement, I smile and begin scrubbing the dirt and blood from my hands and arms.  I am not as filthy as she was but it is still difficult to get the dirt out from under my fingernails.  I wash my chest and body the best I can but when I begin to wash my hair she stops me and pulls my hands away from my scalp.  

“I am more than happy to return the favor,” Spinning around I place my back to her front, and soon her cold hands are washing the back of my neck and shoulders.  

Many nights I have quietly thought of Catherine touching me in this way but not for this reason, and I am brought back from daydreams and to reality.  She then moves to my scalp and lightly rubs her hands through my hair. 

“Finished” she whispers and I drop my head below the surface.  

While under the water, I let the water fill my ears until they pop, and take the moment to compose myself.  When I move above the surface of the water once more she is standing and facing me again.  

“Thank you,” she says once more and suddenly I need to touch her.  

Pulling her close to my chest I gently rest my chin on the top of her head.  Catherine does not push me away but instead moves closer to my body and rests her face on my bare freezing cold chest.  I wrap my cold arms more tightly around her tiny body and silently I wish that this were under different circumstances.  Under my arms, I can feel a mixture of her cold bare skin and her wet chemise. Closing my eyes I hold tightly to Catherine not wanting to ever let her go, and this is how we stay until we can longer bear the glacial water.   

“We need to get out of this freezing cold water and warm up,” I say lifting my head from her.  

As soon as she removes her face from my chest I instantly feel the cold hole on my skin that her warmth is now missing from.  We glide through the water towards the pile of clean linens Catherine gathered.  This time we do not turn to look away from each other and I am able to see her full body. Her chemise is white and soaked through and gripping tightly to her body.  In some places, I can see her skin poking through where the material is stuck to her body.  Her knickers come to just below her knees and they are also gripping tightly to her body. Every curve of her body is on full display and I feel guilty for seeing this when she engaged to another man.  Slowly I turn my head away and do not look back in her direction until I feel her lay a warm material in my hand.  Putting the warm cloth to my face, I begin drying off.  I can’t believe I am thinking the way that I am about Catherine.  I am a United soldier, who has taken refuge in this southern girl’s plantation home.  In addition to that, we are from two very different worlds and she is engaged to be married to a Rebel soldier.   I am a lunatic for thinking about her in this way.  

“I brought you some of my father’s old clothes,” she says bringing me back to reality and outside of my mind.  

“Thank you,” I say taking the clothes from her.  

Slowly we turn our backs away from each other and dress, both of us realizing that nothing can happen and nothing will ever happen.