Falling for the Enemy

Desperate Times

                                                                                         Catherine

 Lying down next to my sister in her warm bed, I have decided that I no longer need to sleep outside of Henry’s door.  He has proven himself to me tonight.  Instead, I lay in bed replaying today’s events.  I shot someone today.  I took a life.  I don’t regret taking that man’s life.  He was a demon here on earth.  If he had done that to a white woman he would surely have been punished, but because Susanah is black it is not viewed as a crime.  Shooting that man is more of a crime in these southern hypocrites’ eyes than what each of those men did to Susanah today.   However, since I can claim that he was damaging my property, I can defend my shooting him, so I am not worried about facing any type of punishment.  When this thought enters my mind I am suddenly sickened. I… myself just thought of Susanah as my property.  She is a human being and I am lying here thinking of her as a possession instead of a person. No matter how hard I try to break out of this sick cycle we have created as slave owners in the south, I find myself unconsciously being pulled back into the old slave-owner way of thinking. No, I am better than those three men that came to my plantation today.  I would never do that to another human being.  They tortured her and I will never understand why anyone could think that was an acceptable way to treat another human.  The other two men are never going to be punished for their crimes unless Samuel has his way.  Samuel wants to search for them, but who will help a black man find two white men who hurt a black girl in the south?  Closing my eyes tightly I try to push everything from my mind.  

Instead, I try to focus on Henry.  What would have I done without Henry tonight? My mind drifts back to the pond with Henry and how he looked.  The images start replaying in my mind. His intense dark eyes staring at me, but his face remains hard and chiseled, not giving away what he is thinking, but when I look back into his eyes I see the way he looks at me with his brows furrowed in concern, and I know he cares.  Tonight I touched him in ways I have never touched a man before, not even Nathan.  I can still feel his smooth muscular shoulders under my hands, his hard chest beneath my cheek, and the stubble from his chin on my forehead.  Rolling onto my side I find myself wishing I were a northern girl or he was a southern man and we had met under different circumstances. Then my thoughts are brought back to Nathan, a kind and gentle Nathan who did everything right. The man I am engaged to marry upon his return to Moher after the war. How will I marry Nathan when I know that there is something more powerful and profound than what I feel for Nathan?  What I feel for Henry is so much more than any of the feelings I can muster to the surface for Nathan.  But Henry is a United soldier fighting against my southern brothers.  It would be traitorous to be with him, but I soon find myself wondering if I even fit in with my southern brothers and sisters anymore.   Sighing to myself, I try to push all of the thoughts swirling around in my head out of my mind. I am just a silly girl with a silly infatuation for a man who I don’t even know that well.  Henry probably doesn’t even notice me the same way I notice him, and even if he did where would that leave us?  We are two people from two very different worlds, trying to create something out of nothing.  All this time I have spent wasting and thinking about the possibility of Henry and me, but in reality, I am engaged to be married to Nathan Buckley, and when he returns I will keep my promise.  Our marriage will be an advantageous union for my family especially with the state that Moher is in right now.  I am sure I can grow to feel about Nathan the way I feel about Henry.  It doesn’t have to be a loveless marriage, I think to myself. Closing my eyes I drift off to sleep with images of both Henry and Nathan playing through my mind.

The next morning my body aches in every joint and muscle that exists in my body.  I never knew my body could feel so destroyed.  Blinking from the morning sun shining through the window I quickly realize that I have overslept because the sun is in the wrong place.  The sun is sitting where it would be for early afternoon and not the early morning. Rolling over the space next to me is bare.  Throwing myself out of bed, I promptly find a clean skirt and blouse to wear over my knickers and chemise.  There is a lot that needs to be done today, but first I must check on Susanah.  Tapping lightly on her door before entering I hear Adam and Susanah talking. 

 “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I wanted to see if you needed anything.”  

Susanah shakes her head no, and she winces to sit up so she can properly greet me from her bed.  Walking towards her I take her hand so she knows that she doesn’t have to worry about being proper and pleasant.   Her face looks worse in the sunlight than it did last night.  Both of her eyes are still swollen but there is one little slit where one of her dark eyes peeks out.  Her lip is split and it is double the size it should be. 

 “I know you are hurting everywhere but is there any specific place where you think you may have a broken bone because I will call for the doctor if want me to.” 

 “No Miss Catherine, I don’t think anything is broken, just bruised and sore ma’am.” 

She says but I realize that what has been broken in her is not anything a doctor can fix.   

“Please let me know if you need anything” and with this, I leave her and Adam in peace.    

I make my way down the staircase and into the main hall to find my father conversing with Samuel and Henry.  Last night my father rested through the entire episode but today he must be more aware of what happened because he looks angry and concerned at the same time.  This is stress that I hoped to keep from my father but I know it wouldn’t be right to keep something of this magnitude from him.  

“Samuel, I will join you and Henry to search for these two men.  What they did to Susanah is an abomination and no good Christian would let a crime this immense go without punishment.”  

“Father you absolutely will not be leaving this plantation to go hunting for two sadistic men. I forbid it.  Just because you are able to get out of bed today does not mean you are well enough to be traveling” I say without thinking.  

Father turns to look at me surprised at how I have spoken to him.

“Girl, you would be wise to remember that this is still my house and I am still in charge of all the decisions made in this house.” He says exercising his authority.  

“You are ill and last night you didn’t even wake during the chaos.  How do you possibly think you will be strong enough to travel all over god’s creation looking for two needles in a haystack?  Plus, I already have an idea.  The three of you searching for those men will more than likely turn up nothing but if we put a bounty on their heads, we will have the entire town of Goldsboro searching for them.  Everyone is in desperate need of money right now with the war.   We can sell some of the items we hid behind the wall panels to gain money for the reward. I know we were planning on using the money for taxes on Moher but hopefully, with all the work Susanah, Henry, and I did we will have a decent harvest, enough to make up for the items we sell.”  

Looking around the room none of the men speak a word.  

“Well, it seems like you have it all figured out Catherine.  Samuel, I will let you make the decision since you are Susanah’s father but what Catherine says makes sense.  There are many desperate people in Goldsboro and in the towns neighboring it.  This may be our best shot of actually finding them” father says.  

“I agree this plan makes sense because we will have the advantage of having the manpower of the entire town looking for them and not just the three of us,” Henry says in agreement.   

 “Samuel, I know you want to find these two men.  I want to find them too, but we need more people looking for them than just us.  We can’t bother with the law because they won’t see what they did to Susanah as a crime but if I put a price on their head maybe we will still have our justice.  I am planning on going to town today to put an ad in the town newspaper and I am going to send the same ad to all the towns bordering Goldsboro.  I will also hang an ad up in the town square for everyone to see.”  I stand waiting for a response from Samuel.  

 “Yes Miss Catherine this sounds like a good idea, but if we do not get any responses I will search for them on my own” Samuel says placing his hat on his head and walking out of the house and onto the veranda.   

“Father you should rest.  I am going into town to place the ads. I am going to use the money that Mary received yesterday from the selling of some of mother’s old jewelry to pay for the ads.” He just nods and begins making his way up the stairs. 

 I am now left alone with Henry in the main hall.  We stare at each other for a moment not saying anything, both of us unsure how to act after last night.  What exactly was last night?  Nothing happened so why does it feel like something significant occurred.  

“I left my rifle in Mary’s room, could you please stay here and make sure those men do not come back and if they do, kill them,” I say angrily and I have never meant my words as much as I meant those two.  

“I will make sure everything is okay here but you should take someone with you. “   

“There is no one else to go.  I cannot ask Sarah or Samuel to leave the farm with Susanah in the condition she is in and Mary is still tired from her journey yesterday.  I cannot take you with me because I need you to stay here and protect my family.  So that leaves only me.  I will be fine, I am going to take the pistol with me, and I will be riding by horse and not wagon.  I will arrive in town quicker and be back to Moher well before sunset” I say while walking over to the panel in the wall. 

I carefully remove the panel, well aware that I am doing this in front of Henry.  This is something that I have never done in front of him before because I was always unsure whether I could trust him or not but after yesterday I have no doubt in my mind that I can fully trust him.  I take the money Mary received yesterday and the loaded pistol and then replace the panel and walk back towards Henry.   

“I trust you to take good care of them while I am gone,” I say placing a single hand on Henry’s arm.