Falling for the Enemy

If Not Me Then Who?

                                                                                        Catherine

I lay my pillow on the ground outside of his door once again just like I have done each and every night since I allowed him into my home.  My gut tells me I can trust him but my brain keeps repeating he is the enemy.  I lie down on the blanket and prop the rifle against the wall and close my eyes.  It is April now and he hasn’t tried to hurt anyone in this family, why do I feel the need to still be outside his door making sure he stays within its walls.  I know exactly why I do this each and every night because if he did hurt anyone in this house it would be on my hands because I am the one who allowed him into this house and I will not have that on my conscience.   I don’t know what time it is when I hear his screams coming from behind the bedroom door but I am stunned awake immediately.  Looking around I can see that the sky is still dark with blackness and there is no sign of any daylight.  I quickly grab my rifle from the wall and sprint inside the room.  My eyes slowly grow accustomed to the dark room barely lit by a few embers in the fireplace.  I see him lying on the bed flailing; his eyes seem to be still shut.  Is he dreaming?  Rapidly I move to his bedside and place my rifle on the floor.  He is still screaming and struggling against something but I am unsure. I lay my hands on his bare chest and begin shaking him hoping that he will awake from his nightmare and stop his gruesome screams.  His chest is soaking wet from sweat and his forehead is glistening with beads that slide down his temples.  

“Henry, wake up.  Henry” I continue shaking him.  Suddenly he is sitting straight up his hands around my neck.  I can’t breathe. My hands begin to claw at his strong vice-like grip. Blinking his eyes Henry seems to realize what he is doing and quickly releases my neck. 

“Catherine, what’s going on?”  Catching my breath and massaging my neck where his hands were just at; I am able to say between breaths 

“You were having a nightmare.”  A look of realization comes across his face and I can tell he is remembering his dream. 

“I am so sorry, I would never, I didn’t mean” Henry runs his hands through his dark brown hair.  I stand up from the bed and straighten my skirt and retrieve my rifle from the floor. 

“It’s fine; just keep your screaming down.  You’ll wake the whole house.” And I turn to walk away.  

“Thank you for waking me.” He says breathlessly. I pause for a moment in the doorway and nod and then close the door behind me.  That is the exact reason I am sleeping in front of his doorway.

            The next morning Susanah and I busy ourselves with chores in the barn. Samuel and Sarah tend to the home and Mary is at my father’s bedside.  Over the last few weeks, he has become bedridden and needs caring for throughout the day.  He is becoming weaker as each day passes by and every day I worry that it will be the last sun rise my father will see.  

“I am going to send Mary with your mother and father to the market to sell some of my mother’s jewelry,” I say out of nowhere to Susanah.  Susanah and I have a relationship more like sisters now than slave and slave owner.  We speak to each other easily, and we also are comfortable working side by side not saying a single word to one another. Susanah is the one person that has helped to keep me going each day.  She has been right there beside me each day working in the fields, tending to the animals, she never wavers.  

“We need money for the taxes on Moher.” I say flatly.   Susanah just nods.  Susanah is a pretty girl; she has a handsome face and dark brown eyes that carry all of the love she has for her parents and son in them.  She is shorter than I but more muscular.  Her body has been made lean and strong from all the years she has worked on my family’s plantation. She is a good woman.  She is a strong woman.  

“Someone needs to head to the stream and tend to the wash,” she says. I nod in agreement, neither of us likes doing the wash so it is something we both put off until the last moment.  

 “After Mary and your parents leave I will take care of that.  You can stay here and tend to my father” I know that this pleases Susanah because I know her distaste for doing the laundry.  As midday arrives Mary, Samuel, and Sarah hitch the horses to the wagon and start the two-hour-long drive into town.  Moving about the house searching for dirty linens, I stop to ask Henry if he needs anything laundered.  

“Do you need any of your filth scrubbed out of any clothes, it's wash day” I say sarcastically half laughing and half being serious.  

Henry looks towards a corner in his room where a few clothes lay strewn on the floor.  Walking over to the heaps of clothes and bending to pick them up I am annoyed that I have to clean up after a United soldier.

“Please continue to make yourself at home,” I say while rolling my eyes.  

I place the clothes into my laundry basket and begin to walk out of the room before I am stopped by his question. 

“May I come with you to the stream?  It is a beautiful day and you are right I should be doing my own laundry.” He says grabbing his crutch and moving towards me. 

I slowly begin my walk to the stream with the crippled United soldier following behind me.  Silently I keep thinking about how I keep getting myself into these situations.  When we arrive at the stream the warm April wind is blowing through the pine trees and I can smell pine nuts and grass in the air. In the distance, I can hear the birds chirping at one another.  It’s hard to believe that somewhere right now my Nathan is fighting for his life and for our way of life.  A way of life that I am no longer sure is the way I want to live.  The grass near the stream has gotten longer and it tickles my ankles under my skirt.  The stream is running strong and I am instantly brought back to a simpler time when I was a child and my mother would take Mary and me for picnics next to this very stream.  We would waste our day away playing in the fields of wildflowers and listening to the water trickle over the pebbles and stones in the stream.  Everything was so easy then.  That was before I had a United traitor as a shadow, and callouses on my hands.  Sitting next to the stream I place the basket next to my side and begin taking out the first piece of linen needing washed.  I pick up the washboard and soap and begin scrubbing the clothes clean.  Henry sits down next to me watching intently. 

“Have you ever washed a piece of linen in your life?” I ask not really caring what his answer is.  

“No I haven’t,” he says embarrassed.  

“So I guess I will need to show you if you plan on earning your keep.” I say handing him the soap and washboard.  

I take one of his shirts and place it in his hands. I then place the soap in his other hand.  Guiding his hands with mine I show him how to lather the shirt with the soap and water. Then with our hands still together I begin demonstrating how to use the washboard.  His hands are strong and big and it feels strange to be touching another man’s hands in this way.  I have only held hands with my father, Adam, and of course Nathan.  As I move closer to gain a better grip on the shirt and washboard  I am suddenly aware of the closeness of our bodies.  I can feel the warmth emanating from under his shirt, his muscles in his arms ripple against my body and I try to maintain my focus on the task at hand.  While scrubbing the shirt a spot of soap jumps out of the water and onto my cheek.  Seeing this Henry moves his hands from under mine and wipes the soap from my cheek with his thumb, cupping my cheek in his hand for just a small moment. Looking into Henry’s mud brown eyes I am frozen for a second. My hands are no longer scrubbing the shirt instead they lay idly in the water. I find my heart rate slowly speeding up and I inhale a deep breath of the warm April air.  I find myself wanting Henry to touch me again.  

“So I think I have it.  Take the soap and scrub it like this and then rinse” Henry says turning his head away from me and demonstrating his newfound knowledge.  

I nod my head yes.  I am speechless right now still reeling from the burning on my cheek where Henry’s hand had just been.  I feel an ache in my stomach, and I take a moment to regain my composure.  I have felt butterflies in my stomach before when Nathan would take my hand and hold it tight in his, but this feeling is different.  This is a stronger and deeper feeling that is in the very depths of my core.  It's more like a need.  I need to feel his touch again.  I need to feel his skin move against mine.  

“Catherine, can you hand me the next piece of wash?” and I am brought out my daydream. 

I hand Henry the next shirt and I join him again in the washing of the clothes.   We are halfway through the laundry when I hear Adam screaming my name from behind me.  Standing up next to the stream I wave my arms so Adam can see where I am.  He is running at full speed.  Something is wrong.  I begin moving towards him.  When we meet each other he is crying and has a panicked look on his face. 

“Adam are you alright? What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Adam talk to me” the boy just continues to sob and cry.    

We are soon joined by Henry “What’s wrong” he asks.  

“I don’t know, he won’t tell me.  Adam calm down and breathe.”  

Finally in between sobs I hear 

“My mom….Mr. Sankey… the barn” and that’s enough information for me.  

I begin sprinting across the field.  Behind me, I hear Henry yelling for me to wait.  He is trying to keep up but there is no way he will be able to with his injured leg. My only thought is to get to Susanah as quickly as possible.  After running for a few breathless minutes I can see the house in the distance.  I am panting and breathing heavily.  Sweat is dripping down the sides of my face.  I begin making a plan in my mind.  I need to get my rifle first.  I don’t know what Mr. Sankey is doing here but it cannot be for a good reason.  Mary and Susanah’s parents should still be in town, so that leaves just my father and Susanah unaccounted for.  Adam did not say anything about my father. Running in the back door I move to the hidden wooden panel in the wall and take the rifle from its spot.  I check to make sure it is loaded and I run towards the barn.  It has been at least 15 minutes since Adam came and found us by the stream.  A lot can happen in 15 minutes is all that keeps going through my mind. I stop outside the barn doors listening for any sign of life.  My eyes are horrified by the sight in front of me and the men's actions. Susanah is covered in blood and her face is almost unrecognizable.  I don’t even notice the other two men standing to the side when I raise my rifle and fire.  The man on top of Susanah instantly falls on her, no longer moving.  It is then I notice the other two men, one of which is Mr. Charles Sankey.  Both men begin adjusting their pants and then take off running.  I do not follow them.  I am more concerned for Susanah who is still lying on the dirty barn floor.  Moving next to her and the strange male, I feel disgusted and angry at the same time.  The man is twice the size of Susanah and I must use all of my strength to roll the large man from her frail and beaten body.  The man is dead, and I am glad.  I feel no remorse. I feel no guilt.  I only feel anger.  Touching Susanah she recoils from my touch. 

“It’s me,” I say wrapping my arms around her.  

Slowly registering in her mind that the danger is gone for now she begins sobbing uncontrollably and I sit cradling her in my arms on the barn floor.  I don’t know how long I sit there just cradling and rocking her like a newborn child, but when the barn door slowly opens, and I find myself jumping for my rifle once more.  Aiming towards the door and ready to fire, I recognize the bodies standing in the doorway.  It is Henry and Adam.  

“Get him out of here” I say gesturing towards Adam.  

Henry quickly turns Adam’s body away from his mother’s beaten body and takes him inside the house.  When he returns he has a large blanket.  I am still holding Susanah in my arms, covered in her blood, sweat, and tears. I have never been so angry in my entire life.  

“Susanah, I brought you a blanket,” Henry says wrapping it around her while trying to keep his eyes from looking at her body.  

“We need to get you cleaned up,” I say to her pushing a strand of black hair from her face.  

“I am going to leave you with Henry okay.” Susanah begins shaking uncontrollably.  

“Susanah you are safe with Henry.  He will not hurt you.  He will have the rifle in case those pigs come back” I spit.  

I run into the house and gather some fresh bandages and a wash pan, and bring them into Mary’s room which is empty right now because she is in town.  I start preparing the room for Susanah.  She will stay safe within the walls of Moher.  I will not leave her out in the slave quarters for them to get her again.  I return back to the barn and explain to Susanah that I am taking her in the house into Mary’s room.  She doesn’t respond as we begin moving her.  I am on one side of Susanah and Henry is on her other side.  She is leaning against us for support.  I wish I was strong enough to carry her myself because I can see the pain in her eyes with each step she takes.  Henry is barely able to keep his balance so I know he cannot carry her.  We guide her into Mary’s room and over to the bed.  

“Henry, please keep Adam away from here.  I do not want him to see his mother this way. Also, please check on my father“ Henry nods and backs out of the room closing the door behind him.  

I begin the long task of trying to wash the filth from those men from her body.  I start by removing her ripped dress followed by her stained undergarments.  Gently I cover her naked body with the large blanket.  I place the rag into the wash pan and allow the water to drain from it into the pan, I then wash her face.  Gently I blot around her swollen lips, cheeks, and eyes.  They must have hit her numerous times in the face. My stomach is turning with bile. I then move to her arms, cleaning each cut out that she received while being pushed down onto the dirt floor, I move to her legs but I stop there.   

“Would you like a moment alone to…” I can’t say it but Susanah understands.  

She takes the rag from me and nods for me to leave the room.  I step out of the room and gather some of my old clothes and a fresh wash pan filled with water.  I return minutes later but before entering the room, I tap lightly on the door so I do not startle or scare her.  When I enter the room I can see that she has finished the job of cleaning herself.  The old wash pan is filled with dirt and blood.  I promptly pick it up and move towards the window to dispose of it outside.  I then kneel next to her.  

“I have brought new water to wash your hair with,” I say as warmly as I can.  

Her brown and broken eye stares out at me between the slit of her swollen left eye.  The right eye is not even visible because of all of the swelling.  I proceed to wash her hair with soap and water, hoping that I have helped her rid herself of the men’s filth in some way.  Helping her into one of my old dresses I guide her to the bed and gestured for her to lie down.  I then cover her up.  I start a fire in the fireplace and pick up her bloodied and soiled clothes and throw them in the fire.  I want to remove any reminders of what those pigs did to her from the room.  I watch as the clothes burn away but I know that what happened here today will never be burned away from anyone’s memory.   After burning her clothes I lie down next to her on the bed and enwrap her tightly in my arms as we both silently cry; her into my shoulder and me into her damp hair.  When Susanah becomes still I slide off the bed and out of the room.  I walk downstairs and into the main hall.  I find Adam and Henry there.  

“Is my father resting?” I say looking at Henry. 

“Yes, peacefully, I do not think he is aware of the event that occurred today”  I nod my head and breathe a sigh of relief. 

My father has been oblivious to many of the occurrences on the plantation the last few days, and for once I am grateful that he has no idea what is happening on the farm. 

“Adam go lay with your mother, lock the door behind you, we will be in the field” before I finish the sentence Adam is on his feet and stumbling up the stairs.  

Without looking at Henry I say “We have to bury the body” and I walk out the door and onto the front veranda and make my way towards the barn.  

I know we have to bury the body before Mary comes home because  I will not let her see the man I murdered.  The man that I am happy to be rid of.  The man that I am happy I removed off of this earth.  I hear Henry following behind me with his crutch. I don’t know how much help he is going to be but I know I will need him in order to move the large man that I shot in the back just hours ago.  Walking into the barn, I smell the man’s rotting flesh and see the pool of blood on the barn floor.  I make a mental note to cover the stain on the floor with dirt.   Hoards of flies are already covering the dead body.  They fly around the carcass and land on the body and crawl into the different exposed parts of the corpse’s skin and flesh.  No doubt they are laying eggs that will soon hatch and their young will soon begin feeding on the rotting flesh.  With the thought of this happening, I once again feel the vomit rising in my stomach.  

“We can tie a rope under his body and drag him that way,” Henry says emotionless.  

He takes the rope that is hanging on the post next to the cow stalls.  He limps over to the body and tries sliding the rope under the dead corpse.   He is unable to do it alone so I join him next to the body placing my arms under the dead body reaching for the end of the rope.  Feeling it with my hands I pull it through to the other side.  I feel the corpse’s cold skin against my body and another shiver shoots down my spine.  I gag once from the smell but stop myself.  I stand up wiping my face off with the back of my hand.  Henry proceeds to tie the ropes around the corpse and creates two loops that we can step into so we are pulling the dead load with all of our body weight.  I know this is going to be tiring, especially when my only help is from an injured Yankee.  Slowly we both lunge forward-moving the body a few inches with each lunge. Already my body aches from the exertion, but we can’t stop.   The sun sinks below the horizon and I know that Mary will be home at any moment with Susanah’s parents.  This makes me pull more desperately against the looped rope around my body.  Henry and I lunge and pull for an unknown amount of time.  We do not speak to one another we simply continue our rhythm of pulling together and taking a few steps and then pulling together again.  It is a sick dance that we are performing together, a dance I never could have imagined doing in my lifetime. Sweat covers my face and soaks through my dress, and looking at Henry he does not look much better than I do.  I can still see the house in the distance but this will have to do.  

“We don’t have much time.  I will go back and get the shovels” I say stepping out of the loop.  

Henry steps out of the loops of the rope and throws himself onto the ground and lies back breathing heavily.   He is not going to try to make the journey back to the barn with me and then back to our gravesite.  His leg must be in a lot of pain.  I plod back to the barn alone to gather the shovels; my feet feel like 100-pound weights, and I can barely place one foot in front of the other.  My will is starting to break and I don’t think I can keep going.  I pause for a moment and stare at the large bloodstain in the middle of the barn, and take a few long deep breaths and start for the field once more.  I cannot stop. If I do not fix this, who will?  I return to find Henry still lying in the same place I left him except now he is gripping his injured leg.  Without speaking a word I throw down one of the shovels and take the other in my hand and begin digging. I am unfeeling, not really present at the moment.  I am just going through the motions.  I know that the body must be disposed of and I know it must happen quickly and this is the only thing that keeps my shovel digging into the dirt.  Slowly Henry stands beside me and begins digging with me, when we have a hole that is large enough to contain the corpse we kneel down next to the body, and with every final ounce of strength we still have left in our bodies we roll him into the hole.  After the accomplishment of getting the corpse into the hole, I kneel on my knees just staring at the dead body in the ground.  I use this moment to catch my breath. I glance towards the stars and know that I have gotten lucky that my sister is not home yet.  In the back of my mind, I am worried that something may have happened to her but I know Samuel is with her and he is armed.  

“Almost done,” I say looking at Henry once more and standing up. 

We begin piling the dirt on top of the body. It is only after the last piece of dirt is placed on the corpse that I allow myself a moment to be human.  Pushing the stray hairs from my sweat-soaked face I fall back to my knees and begin to cry.  Deep grating sobs travel from the pits of my stomach and to my mouth. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I can’t be anything right now except for a pile of mush.  I am hunched over as the sobs shutter through my body again and again.  I don’t even recognize the sounds coming from my body.