Falling for the Enemy

Small Steps

                                                                                        Henry

            I regret saying what I did to Catherine when we were fishing.  She hasn’t acted the same around me since that day.  I don’t know what I was thinking when I attacked her over her engagement to her Rebel fiancé.  Her fiancé is none of my business or concern and I know nothing about their relationship so who am I to cast judgment on the two of them.   I feel like an ungrateful child because of the way I  acted. Catherine has put her life and her family’s life on the line to house me in their home.  She could be seen as a traitor and put to death for helping me. Instead, she saved my life, and I repay her by insulting her about her life choices. I’m surprised she didn’t turn me over to the Rebel Army that very moment.  

    Over the last few days, I have tried to help more around the plantation.  It is my way of trying to make amends with Catherine but she simply ignores my presence and continues on with her duties around the farm.  My leg is still throbbing with an immense amount of pain but I want Catherine to know I do appreciate her kindness greatly.  Hobbling out to the small plot of land where Susanah and Catherine have been tilling for weeks, I pick up a hoe and begin helping the best I can.  It is very difficult to keep my balance and work the hoe into the ground at the same time.  Susanah greets me with a nod but Catherine doesn’t even look my way.  It seems she becomes angrier with me the more I try to help.  I thought it would ease things between us if I showed her that I cared about her and her families’ well-being.  I am trying to prove my worth and earn my keep but the more I try the angrier she becomes.  

    The blazing sun is beating down on my skin and sweat beads are forming on my forehead.  I still can’t believe how much warmer it is here in March than in North Rotta.  Balancing on one foot I wipe the sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand.  Looking around I can see that the plot of land that the women have been tilling is about a 3/4 acre large.  It’s not a very big piece of land, but it is big enough to provide for their small family of seven if the crops do indeed grow.  Catherine and Susanah have prepared close to seventy-five percent of the land for the planting of the seeds, and I notice that the plot itself is close to the stream that runs along the property.  I imagine Catherine chose this plot for that main reason because they would have easy access to the stream in the summer months to use for irrigation to the crops.  I continue working the land beside the women, hoping that my show of solidarity will smooth things over with Catherine.  

“Miss Catherine, I am going to check on Adam to see if he needs anything.” Susanah says. 

Catherine nods “Of course” she smiles.  

Adam is still healing from the beating he received at the hands of Charles Sankey.  Susanah places her hoe on the ground and rushes past me moving towards the slave quarters.  Catherine and I continue working the land in silence.  When I can no longer bear the silence I finally speak up. 

“This is looking good.  You and Susanah have gotten a lot done, and I’m sure this will provide a plentiful crop” I say trying to sound uplifting and positive. 

Catherine just nods.  I continue working again.  Moments pass with no words or conversation between the two of us, and I can no longer handle it.  I don’t want Catherine to be mad at me.  I don’t want Catherine to ever think poorly of me.  

“Catherine, I shouldn’t have stated my opinion so freely the other day,” I say sticking my hoe into the ground and using it as a crutch to look at her.  

“No you shouldn’t have,” she says and continues working.  

She is covered in sweat and dirt.  Her braided hair lies on her back and sways as she drives her hoe into the ground.  I can see strands of her hair pasted to her face.  She says nothing else so I continue working.  After minutes have passed out of nowhere Catherine appears in front of me standing with her arms on her waist.  

“I hope you know that I am quite capable of taking care of my family without the help from a United traitor.  Especially when that man is only helping because he feels guilty for the irredeemable remarks he made about my fiancé and me” she says grabbing my hoe from me.  

Almost falling from the sudden unbalance she catches my arm.  

“Go back to the house, Henry.  I don’t need you here” and with that, she turns around and walks towards the area of dirt she was working.  Grabbing my crutches from the ground I hobble over to her.  

“I am trying to help.  You have kept me alive and safe from the Rebel Army it is the least I can do” I say reaching for my hoe.  

“Henry, I don’t need your charity.  We were doing just fine without you.  We are still alive and still fed and that has been of no help from you or any man in that matter” she says her eyes piercing into mine.  

“Do you not think I know you are capable of taking care of yourself and your family because if I have given you any other reason to believe that I do not think you are capable, I am sorry for that.  Quite frankly I believe you are one of the most capable and stubborn individuals I know be it man or woman” I say exhausted from working and fighting with her.  

I can’t explain what she does to me but she makes me so angry and so… It’s indescribable.  She twists my insides up so much that I don’t know if l like her or if I hate her.  With this statement she is speechless.  She stares at me doe-eyed and confused.  

“I don’t know where my manners are.  Thank you for your help.” She says handing back my hoe.  

“Why do you push anyone away that is trying to help you?” I ask gently.  

Catherine looks down at the ground and fidgets uncomfortably.  

“I can help you, Catherine.  I can make your burden lighter while I am here if you let me.”  

“That’s just it.  You will leave as soon as you are healed and that is fine.  It is what is expected.  I don’t want to become dependent on someone who is not here for the long haul.  I don’t want to get used to having a partner here on the farm only to be left alone again and on my own.  If I continue to just depend on myself then I won’t have to rely on anyone else and I can’t be let down.  I can be strong for my family, but if I let myself even for a moment accept help that will not always be there I am setting myself up for failure.  I need to make Moher sustainable again with just my manpower because that is the only thing that I know is going to be consistent.  When you come out here and help, you are just changing the dynamics that I have gotten used to and it unnerves me.” 

She is frustrated, she wants to accept my help but she feels like it makes her weak because she is depending on someone else rather than just herself.  

“Catherine, you’re capable of anything that any man is capable of.  I think you have proven that time and time again over the last few months.  All I am asking is to take a little of the burden from your shoulders, so you can have some relief too.  I am not able to do much but it is not a sign of weakness to accept help from another human being.  If it was a sign of weakness to accept help, how could I have ever accepted your help?  You saved me, does that make me weak?” I ask taking a step closer to her.  

“Am I less of a man because a woman dragged my body up a flight of stairs and removed a bullet from my leg?  Then that same woman hid me from the Rebel Army and from Charles Sankey.  Catherine, I don’t feel like less of a man because of what you did.  I am grateful for what you did and I will never be able to repay you for saving my life.  Even if I tilled and planted this whole plot of land myself it still wouldn’t equal what you did.  You saved a life” and with this, she nods in agreement.   

Catherine places her hand on my arm and squeezes it just once and looking into my eyes she quietly whispers “Thank you for reminding me” and we begin working together again as a team, and this is how it remains for the next few weeks.  Susanah, Catherine, and I working together side by side.