Tank

21 - I don't want to lose you

Nova

I’m so nervous right now. I’m sitting on my couch, biting the pad of my thumb as I wait for my father, brother, stepmother, and stepsister to arrive. They’re not bringing the kids because they’re at school. I knew they would be; that’s why I wanted to do this now.

I’ve stayed home for the past few days, getting used to having Ember with me. Mandy had packed a note with Ember’s things, and her routine was written down to make things a little easier for us. It helped a lot.

I’m used to Ember’s feeding routine, my boobs leak every time she’s hungry, even more so now she’s with me, and I’m nursing her again. She naps every few hours and wakes once during the night to feed.

She’s not a fussy baby, as Mandy had told Tank.

Maybe she’s just not fussy for me.

Or maybe it seemed worse to Mandy because she had three babies to deal with.

I sent her a thank you text. Thank you because she did the right thing by dropping my daughter off with me. I just needed that little push to show me I could do this. I can love Ember the way she deserves.

Mandy texted me back and told me I had nothing to thank her for and that she was happy that Ember and I finally had each other.

I don’t think she’ll ever know how truly grateful I am for everything she did for my daughter and me. I only hope one day, she will.

I thanked Tank, too. He’s been incredible these past few days. He went to the baby store and collected a crib, blankets, baby swing, diapers, and new clothes. Everything Ember needed.

I bet that looked weird to other shoppers, a huge ass biker buying baby products.

Tank dotes on Ember. I love seeing them interact the way they do. She climbs all over me as soon as she’s finished nursing to get to him. He holds her close while burping her. It’s not that he needs to do that at her age, but it’s nice that he tries.

Ember then spends ten minutes just listening to Tank talking to her. She tries to speak to him in her own baby way, which makes him laugh. She kisses his cheek over and over again while laughing her little head off at how he tickles her. I then sit with a smile on my face as he rocks her to sleep while singing to her. It’s so sweet, and it soothes her off to sleep quickly. He actually has a fantastic singing voice. It’s beautiful. He could have been a professional singer with that voice.

For such a big, strong man, he’s quite the softy, and I can tell he’s fallen in love with my little girl.

As grateful as I am for his help, the fact he keeps telling me that he wants to be with me freaks me out a little. Not just because I’m scared to be with him intimately, but because I can’t tell if he really wants to be with me.

Tank never showed any interest in me until Ember came along. I know he loves her, I can see it in his eyes when he’s holding her. I can hear it in his voice when he says those words to her as she falls asleep.

How can I be sure he really wants me?

I’ve racked my brains over and over again over this.

I can’t say that Tank doesn’t show me any attention because he does. Each night, when Ember is asleep in her crib next to my bed, he sits with me, his arm around me, his lips against mine as we make out like we’ll die if we don’t, and he never asks for more than I can give.

He even stays on the couch each night in case I need him, and that’s my doing because, after the first night, I asked him to stay with us, I didn’t want him to leave. I should let him leave. The only time he’s left since Ember came along, apart from when he went to the store to collect things for Ember was yesterday when he left to get some changes of clothes from his place.

Am I setting myself up for a fall?

I hope not. I’m falling for him so hard I don’t know what to do with myself. Tank told me he’s fallen for me, and I want to believe him, I just can’t seem to tell my mind that he means what he says.

He told me he wanted to claim me as his Old Lady in front of everyone, but he wanted to go slowly where my dad was concerned. Tank has so much respect for my dad that he feels like he’s doing something wrong by loving me.

It doesn’t make me feel very good, although I do understand where he’s coming from. My dad made it clear to everyone that he wouldn’t put up with anyone coming anywhere near me in that way.

How do I make my daddy see that Tank is everything I need?

He’ll protect me from harm, even though I’m quite capable of taking care of myself. It doesn’t hurt a girl to know her man loves her enough to kill for her, and he would kill for me. I saw it in his eyes when he said he’d end any man that touched me in any way. Tank is good for me, to me, and he’s fantastic with my little girl.

Surely my dad will see that?

Tank arranged everything today. He called up my dad and asked him to meet us here. He told him to bring Lynette and Willow with him. He then called Jett and asked him to come along, too. He didn’t tell them the reason why, and we won’t be telling them about us today. Today is about Ember, and me finally telling my family about her. I won’t tell them how she came into this world or who her father is, probably because I have no clue who he is. I just hope they understand.

“Don’t look so worried, baby,” I smile as Tank kisses my temple while taking a seat beside me. “Everything is going to be fine.”

“I know. I just don’t think I’m ready for all the questions they’re no doubt going to ask me. What am I supposed to tell them about Ember’s father, Tank?”

“Nothing you don’t want to tell them, Nova. Ember is the product of a drunken one-night stand if that’s what you want to tell them. Tell them she’s the product of a happy relationship, but her father died before she was born. Yeah, it’s a lie, but whatever you want to tell them is totally fine. No one will question it.”

I can’t imagine lying to my father like that, but I can’t imagine telling him the truth either.

I smile at Tank and stroke his cheek with my hand. His eyes close for a second before he grabs my hand and kisses my palm, sending tingles right to my puss.y.

“What would I do without you?”

“Lucky for you, you’ll never have to find out. I meant what I said, Nova, I am here for the duration. No matter what happens or how angry Shepard might be with me, I need you to know that I love you.”

I suck in a deep breath. That’s the first time he's said those three words to me.

Yeah, he told me he’d fallen for me, but he never said the words. My heart is banging in my chest.

How can he love me so soon after meeting me?

“I don’t want to lose you, Nova.” He leans his forehead against mine.

“I don’t want to lose you either.” I really don’t. I don’t know the extent of my feelings for him yet, but I do know that I need him. I haven’t felt this way about anybody... Well, ever. I’m a strong woman in many ways. Hell, I’m dangerous, more than dangerous. However, emotionally, right now, I don’t feel all that strong.

Anybody can push their emotions to the back of their mind, pretending they don’t care or don’t need anybody, but the truth is, everybody needs someone to lean on. This man right here has shown me over the last few days that I can really count on him when I need him, and right now, I am not ashamed to say that I need him. I just hope he doesn’t think I’m using him because I am so not using him.