Tank

22 - Hurtful truths

Nova

The door knocks, startling me. Tank kisses my head and goes to answer the door.

God, my heart is thumping so hard, it feels like it’s coming out of my mouth!

Please understand. Please don’t push my little girl away because she needs you all as much as I do.

I get to my feet and greet my father and his wife, my brother, and my sister. I cling to my dad when he hugs me. I cling to him for dear life, not wanting him to let go of me. I need him right now.

My dad is so tall, built, and so very strong. I feel safe in his arms. Like no one can hurt me when he holds me. This is what I missed as a little girl, the way he would hold me and make all of my childhood monsters disappear.

“What’s wrong, princess?” He asks, concerned as I lock my hands behind his back, ensuring he doesn't let go. I can’t answer him. I’m trying so hard not to cry. “Tank, do you wanna tell me what the hell is going on? Why is my little girl upset like this?”

“She just needs you right now, Prez.”

“Why? What’s going on?”

“There’s something I have to tell you,” I say, finally letting go of my father. I look up at him and wipe the tears from my cheeks. “Take a seat.”

I watch everyone sit in various seats around my small den. Hell, this whole apartment is small. It’s too small now that I have Ember with me. I’ll find us somewhere bigger soon because I’m staying here in this town of Bardsville with my family.

I sit down in between my brother and Tank on the couch. I need Tank’s strength right now. I won’t get through this without it.

I’m not ashamed of my daughter. I’m ashamed of her father and what he did to me. I’m ashamed because I’ll never know which of those nine men is biologically linked to my daughter. I’m ashamed that I couldn’t fight hard enough to stop all those men doing what they did to me, ashamed I couldn’t stop them injecting me with a drug that paralyzed me, and I’m ashamed of what I did when Ember was born, the way I treated her.

All eyes are on me. Each person is wondering what the hell they’re here for.

“I’ve loved being here with you all. It’s been the best time of my life. You’ve all made me feel so at home. Like I really belong here.”

“You do belong here, Nova.”

I smile at my brother. We’ve gotten really close since I disclosed my other life to him.

“There’s something I’ve been keeping from you all. Something I shouldn’t have kept from you, but I was ashamed.” I scrub my hands over my face.

“Nova, what are you talkin’ about?” My dad asks.

“Ten months ago...” I swallow hard, fighting back the tears threatening to spill over. “I had a baby.” My dad’s eyes widen. Lynette and Willow exchange knowing looks. My brother shifts uncomfortably beside me. They’re uncomfortable now, wait until I tell them what I did. “I gave her away.”

“You did what?” I thought my father would be the one who asked the questions, but it’s my brother who’s now on his feet, looking at me like I’ve killed his whole family. “You had a child and gave it away! Why?”

“Because I didn’t think I could care for her, Jett,” I say defensively without yelling.

“Her?” Lynette asks kindly. “You had a baby girl?”

I nod my head. “I called her Ember.”

“Why Ember?”

Why do people always ask that question?

Each time I was over at Mandy’s nursing my daughter and Mandy had visitors; they’d always ask that same question. Willow is no different. But it’s not that unusual!

“Because she was the last burning ember in my heart. I had nothing and nobody else in the world but her. I loved her, but I thought I’d die if I had to be her mother. So, I found her a new one.”

I sit and explain to everyone about Mandy and how she took Ember as her own. I tell them about me nursing the baby because Mandy couldn’t due to having two other babies that needed nursing. I broke my own heart by loving Ember and having to leave her each time. I tell them how Ember came into this world after one night of hell. However, I won’t tell them any actual details no matter how many times they ask me to, and they ask more than once.

I couldn’t lie the way Tank told me to; it didn’t feel right. But I know my brother knows exactly what I’m trying to say. I see the look in his eyes that tells me exactly that. By the time I’m done, everyone looks at me with sympathy and anger.

My brother suddenly grabs my wrist and pulls me out of my seat and straight into his arms. “I’m so sorry.” He whispers through a kiss to my head. “I wish I could have found you back then. I would have helped you.”

“I loved her so much.”

“I know, sweetheart, I know.”

“Nova?” I look at my father without moving from my brother’s arms. “My sweet little girl.” He grabs me, pulls me from Jett’s arms, and into his own.

Damn, these men love me so much. I had no idea it would feel this good to be loved like this. My mother took me from these men and made me believe they had died and left me.

How could she have done that to me?

I can’t let my baby girl feel the way I once did. I won’t allow it.

“Is she happy?” Lynette asks as she strokes my back.

“I think so.” I pull away from my dad. I need a little breathing space. “A couple of days ago, Mandy brought Ember here. She handed her to Tank and just left without even speaking to me.”

Tank smiles at me from where he stands by the door. I nod slightly, letting him know I want him to bring Ember into the room.

“You have her?” I nod at my brother. He breathes deeply in through his nose, out through his mouth, and runs his hand through his hair.

“I’ve spent the last few days getting used to having her here. I didn’t think I could do it, but Tank has been a really good friend, showing me that I can do this.” I look at my father. He’s looking at me with wide eyes. He’s not happy that Tank’s been here. “She’s my little girl, Daddy.” I wipe a tear from my eye. “I never realized I could love her as much as I do. I thought giving her to another family was what was best for her, that it would keep her safe, but she’s mine, and I want her to know you all, to be loved by you all the way I am. Please, Dad.”

He takes me by the shoulders and kisses my head. “I am so proud of you, Nova. I am so, so proud of you.”

I giggle through my tears. I feel such a weight lift off my shoulders, and it’s such a weight that I feel lighter.

“Mama!”

I laugh and pull away from my father as Tank walks toward me, my baby girl bouncing in his arms while clapping her tiny little hands in excitement at seeing me, and it’s the same every time she sees me.

I take her from Tank and hold her against me while breathing her in. I kiss her head and rest her on my hip. All eyes are on my little girl as she chews on her little fist.

“Everyone, this is Ember. Ember, say hi.” She giggles and claps her hands again, making us all laugh. She’s such a happy little girl, and I am so proud to be her mother. “Ember, this is your grandfather.

My dad laughs while wiping his eyes. I never thought I’d see my father emotional like this. Not the big bad biker he is.

“This is your grandma.” Lynette gasps and clasps her chest dramatically. It makes me laugh inwardly. I really like her, and my brother refers to her as Mom, so why shouldn’t she be a grandma to Ember? And Willow is legally my sister, and they’ve both been so kind to me since I came here. I want my little girl to know them as her grandma and her aunt.

I introduce Ember to Willow, who cries when I introduce her as Ember’s new aunt. I hope my younger siblings have the same reaction to my baby girl.

I walk up to my brother, my little girl on my hip, as she pulls at her left pigtail. She’s always either pulling at her hair or biting her little fist.

“This man is your uncle, Jett. He’s a very brave and strong man who Mommy loves very much.”

I feel my brother’s hand on my face. I look up at him. He’s smiling at me in a way I’ve never seen before. I have always looked up to my big brother. I have always loved him so much. He was always my hero growing up. That hasn’t changed.

“Can I hold her?”

“Of course.” I smile and hand Ember to him. She sticks her little pointer finger in his mouth playfully and squeals happily when he pretends to bite it. I then watch as Jett hands her to my father, whom Ember seems to love instantly, laying her head on his shoulder and chewing at the patch sitting there.

Once Lynette and Willow have taken a turn holding Ember and kissing her little face like they’d die if they didn’t, my baby starts grizzling, whining, and waving her little arms in Tank’s direction. She always wants him when she’s tired, which amazes me.

He smiles and takes her from Willow, kissing her little chubby cheek before she lays her head on his shoulder like always. Like that’s her safe place.

I notice my dad’s eyes narrow as he watches Tank with Ember. The way my baby lays her head on his shoulder and strokes the side of his neck with her tiny little fingers. The way Tank rubs her back and rocks her gently from side to side, my dad is not happy.

My dad’s eyes lock with mine, and I bite my lower lip nervously. He knows. I know he does. My father is a smart man, and he’s worked out what's going on between Tank and me. I just know he has.

God, please don’t let my dad kick Tank’s ass, or worse, shoot him dead like he swore he would if any man touched me.

“Mama, moo-me-ban-ba.” I chuckle to myself. That’s my baby girl’s way of asking me to nurse her.

“Come on, baby girl.” I take her from Tank’s arms. “Could you please excuse me for a moment? I just need to nurse her. Tank, could you get everyone a drink?” He nods and winks at me. “Thanks. I’ll be right back.”