Tank

19 - You can do this

Nova

“Here.” I turn in my seat on the couch to look at Tank as he offers me a cup of coffee. I don’t drink coffee. I haven’t nursed Ember in almost a month, but I still express milk twice a day for some reason.

Wouldn’t I have allowed my milk to dry up if I didn’t want my child?

However, every single day, I know when she’s hungry, my boobs ache and leak. Every day, my heart breaks thinking about how much I wish I could be the mother she needs, and every day, I long for it all to end.

“I can’t drink that.”

“You don’t like coffee?” He asks while placing two cups on my coffee table and sitting beside me.

“I don’t know why I have it in the cupboard when no one comes around here much. I stopped drinking it when Ember was born. I had to nurse her.” I shrug while leaning my head back against the couch.

“But you haven’t nursed her in a while.”

“I made sure my milk didn’t dry up. Why would I do that if I intended to leave her behind, Tank? What's wrong with me?” The tears fall from my eyes. I’m tired, emotional, and so very confused.

I close my eyes to the touch of his hand on my face, his thumb wiping away the tears from my cheek gently. “Because you love her, and you knew deep down that you’d see her again.”

“I don’t know what to do, Tank,” I sob. “I’m so confused.”

“Come here.” He pulls me into his arms, and I let him.

I need someone to hold me right now. No one’s held me since I was a little girl. Tank’s big, strong arms encase me. I rest my head against his powerful chest, and he strokes my hair tenderly.

“Someone hurt you, didn’t they?”

I don't answer him. He’d never understand if I told him the truth, and to be honest, I don’t want to tell him, or anyone else for that matter.

“I know, Nova. I figured it out, and it was more than one man. Wasn’t it?”

I close my eyes and let the silent tears fall. I can’t answer him.

What am I supposed to say?

That I was kidnapped?

Held prisoner?

Beaten?

Abused?

Raped?

Used like I was nothing but a whor.e?

That me, of all people, with all my skills, was caught off guard and couldn’t fight her way out?

All of that is true, but I couldn’t bear to actually say it out loud, especially not to this man. It would make it all real if I let it out. I’ve pretended for so long that I can’t let go. Sure, I’ve ended almost every man that hurt me, but there are still a couple of bastards still out there, walking around like they don’t have a care in the world.

Not for long.

I feel Tank’s heavy breaths and the beating of his heart in his massive chest against my face. I close my eyes and listen to the rhythm. It’s soothing.

“The past is gone, baby, and if you tell me who those men are, I’ll kill the motherfucker.s for what they’ve done to you!”

I smile to myself. He’s so damn sweet. But I don’t need him to avenge me; I did that myself.

I stroke his chest, trying to calm him. “I don’t need you to be a hero, Tank. Not in that respect, at least. They’re all gone now. Well, all but two. I made sure of it.”

“The Exorcist?” I nod against him. He doesn’t know that I’m The Exorcist; only Jett does, but Tank believes I work for him, as they all refer to The Exorcist. “Good.” He mumbles against my hair before kissing me there.

“I can’t imagine what you went through after something like that, Nova. But that little girl in there is not to blame. She needs you. You’re her mother. The one person in this world Ember needs the most is you. She is a part of you, Nova, a very beautiful part of you.”

“But I’m scared.” I look up at him, and he strokes my face. “I’m scared that I’ll mess her up like my mother did me.”

I’m also scared to do this alone. I’m a trained killer, for fuck.s sake. If anybody finds out who I truly am, I’ll have an army of men and women at my door ready to take me out.

How would it be fair to Ember for me to bring her into that way of life?

You brought her into the world, Nova, she’s stuck in that way of life with you. There’s nothing you can do about it now.

The only thing I can do is give up The Exorcist. There are just two motherfucker.s left for me to end. Two bastards, I need to make pay for what they did to me. Either one of them could be Ember’s father. But then so could one of the other bastards who raped me. Just two more cunts, and Ember and I could be free from it all.

Listen to me.

What am I thinking?

That I’m going to keep my little girl?

Maybe I need to have a little more faith in my abilities to be a mom and protect her. She’s my baby, and there is nothing I wouldn’t do to protect her.

“You will not mess her up, Nova. You are not your mother. But if you give up on that beautiful little girl in there, then there is a good chance she’ll become messed up.”

I know he’s right. I know it in my heart.

But I am so scared that I’ll one day look at Ember and see nothing but those men and what they did to me. I don’t want to be the mother who grows to despise her own child because of the memories left behind.

“You have so many people to count on, sweetheart, so many people who love you.”

Something in the way Tank said that made my heart beat a little faster.

My eyes close with a slight roll as he cups my face and leans into me. Oh my God, he’s gonna kiss me!

“You’re so beautiful.” He whispers against my mouth.

“Tank,” It comes out breathy, simply because I can hardly breathe with how hard my heart is beating. Then his lips hit mine, and a loud groan escapes my throat.

Shi.t, is that really me?

There’s nothing rushed about his kiss; it’s soft and gentle like he’s savoring every touch of our lips and tongues. I’ve never been kissed like this. It might have something to do with my touch issues, and I don’t kiss people. But with Tank, I can’t help myself.

His hand slides around the back of my head, pulling me closer. I grab the front of his cut, lift my leg over his thighs, and straddle him. I slide my hands around his neck, our lips still fused together as I grind into the hard length of him, and my God, is he hard, so hard, my puss.y is throbbing against it.

With his hand on my face, Tank gently pulls out of our kiss and rests his forehead against mine. I bite my lower lip, trying hard to hide the smile on my face. I have wanted him to kiss me from the moment I first laid eyes on him.

“Your dad is gonna kill me.”

I can’t help the giggle that escapes me. “He won’t kill you.”

“I swore I wouldn’t fall for you.”

I swallow hard. “You’ve fallen for me?” I ask while pulling away from him a little in order to look at him.

He opens his mouth to answer me, but he’s cut short when a loud wailing sound echoes through the whole house. “It’s okay. You can do this.”

I nod in agreement even though I have no fuckin.g clue if I can do this.