Tank

18 - How could she do this!?

Nova

I can’t fuckin.g believe this is happening!

How could Mandy do this to me?

She promised to keep Ember with her, not fuckin.g drive all this way and drop her off, then run away because she didn’t want to face me. Fuckin.g coward!

I can’t do this. I can’t be a mother to that little girl; I’d destroy her.

How could I ever take care of her when I do what I do?

I just couldn’t.

Ember was the product of one of the worst nights of my life. One stupid drunken night over nineteen months ago that led to that beautiful little girl in my bedroom. One stupid drunken night where I was a plaything for many. One night where I let my guard down. Payback is a bitc.h for a reason.

I spent months after that night fighting to get my strength back, months destroying the lives of those who thought they could beat me. It wasn’t until the day I gave birth that I even knew I was pregnant.

Can you believe that?

I wasn’t showing, and I had no symptoms. I thought I had appendicitis until the doctor told me I was moments away from giving birth. I was alone and terrified. After putting Celia into hiding, I’d made sure to keep myself hidden from the world. Always alone. I had no one to turn to, no one to care about me. All I did was train my body to be the temple it once was.

The moment Ember was born, I begged the doctor to take her away. I didn’t want to see her, didn’t want to love her. I knew I would never want to give her up if I held her in my arms. However, I knew that I had to. I knew I would never be stable enough to care for her.

Mandy was my neighbor at the time. I didn’t really know her, but for saying hello each morning on my runs. She was at the hospital at the same time as I was. She was visiting a friend of hers who'd just given birth to a baby boy. She saw me through the glass in my door and popped inside to say hello.

I told her about the baby and how I couldn’t keep her. At first, she didn’t understand how I couldn’t love my baby. It wasn’t the fact I didn’t love her. I loved Ember more than I could ever say. It was because I loved her so much that I knew I couldn’t keep her.

In the end, I told Mandy exactly what had happened to me and why I believed I couldn’t care for my daughter. Okay, I didn’t tell her what I do for a living. That would have been suicid.e. But I told her how I traveled around a lot looking for my birth father.

That’s when she agreed to take the baby and raise her as her own. At the time, she had eight-month-old twins and a three and four-year-old, all boys, and she believed Ember would fit right in. The little girl she never had. I was so grateful to her. I felt such a surge of relief.

It was agreed that Mandy and her husband Ray would collect the baby as soon as she was able to go home, but that wouldn’t be for a few days because she was sickly and small.

That first night, a nurse came into my room with the baby and literally begged me to breastfeed her. Ember was so sick they couldn’t get her to suckle a bottle, and they didn’t have enough donated breast milk to give her what she needed. They didn’t want to insert a feeding tube unless it was absolutely necessary. They could have given her formula but felt breast milk would be best for her. So, naturally, they thought they’d try me. They weren’t to know what happened to me, how I ended up pregnant with Ember, I told Mandy, no one else.

But still, I refused to breastfeed the baby.

I told the nurse that I couldn’t do it. She had no idea how much it was killing me inside, being so close to that baby and hearing her cries of pain. Because the baby was in pain.

I couldn’t take it.

So, I reluctantly took the baby from the nurse, who then helped Ember latch on to my breast. The nurse left the room for a while, and the whole time, I cried. The intimate moment between my daughter and me was too much. I saw how beautiful and innocent she was, and I couldn’t believe such a beautiful little creature had come from such an awful night. I stroked the back of her head and told her how I would always love her and how sorry I was that I couldn’t keep her.

I ended up breastfeeding her the entire time she was in the hospital, two weeks. Mandy was okay with that because she was still breastfeeding her twins and wanted what was best for Ember.

I found it hard to let go the day they came for her. I cried my heart out. It tore me up inside to the point I couldn’t let go. Mandy told me that I didn’t have to let go, that I could take my baby home and love her the way she knew I wanted to, and I did want to. However, the fact remained that I couldn’t care for Ember the way she needed me to care for her, and so Mandy took my baby girl from my arms and left.

I lay in bed that night in my cold bedroom back home and sobbed until I had nothing left in me to cry out. My boobs were leaking like crazy, and I missed the special moments Ember and I shared each time I nursed her. I’d already promised Mandy that I would express milk each day for the baby and nurse her at least once a day. She didn’t have enough milk to feed three babies. It was a lot to ask, and I should have said no, especially to the breastfeeding, but I didn’t.

Each day, I took the milk around to Mandy’s house. Each day, she allowed me to hold Ember and nurse her. I clung to those special half-hour days, and it took me a lot to walk out of there without my daughter each time.

I did that up until I just couldn’t take anymore, and I had to make a choice. Either be Ember’s mother and take her home or leave and get on with my life. Ember was happy where she was, and I needed to find my father. I needed a way to put behind me what happened. So, I distanced myself from my child. I stopped going around there. I expressed the milk on the understanding that Mandy fetched it from me without Ember in her arms.

Mandy talked about adoption and how she wanted to get the ball rolling. I agreed because I knew it was what was best for my daughter. However, it seemed that neither Mandy nor I ever got around to setting anything in motion. Perhaps deep down, Mandy didn’t want to adopt Ember. Maybe she knew it would come to this.

Around all that, I got on with my work, doing the jobs people hired me for. All the time finding out more information about my father and where to find him. He’d been four hours away all that time.

Of course, I could have found that out easily months before, but I was so wrapped up in what happened to me, getting revenge, and my decision to leave my baby behind that it took a back seat.

I thought coming here last month meant I could put it all behind me. Finally, Ember was with a good family whom I thought would love and care for her the way they did their own children. I even told Mandy in our last phone conversation that it was time to get the adoption rolling. She told me she’d speak to the right people and get the ball rolling. I thought Ember would finally be settled.

Obviously, I put my faith in the wrong people, and now my daughter is lying on my bed fast asleep, and I have no fuckin.g clue what the hell to do.

What am I supposed to tell my father?

Will he be angry?

Will my brother?

Maybe I could find Ember a new family before mine finds out about her. All I know is that I can't bring her into the life I have made for myself. I couldn’t be that selfish.