Tank

17 - What are you talking about?

Tank

I turn my head slightly to look at the little girl’s face. Her little head is turned towards my neck, but looking at her, even like this, I can see she’s the adorable little girl from those pictures in Nova’s photo album.

“I can’t care for her any longer. I know I promised Anna that I would, but I told her that I needed her to be around to help with nursing Ember. Anna promised to express milk for Ember, but she’s been gone too long. Anna told me she would only be gone for a week, and I managed for that long. It’s been almost four weeks, and she still hasn’t returned! I can’t nurse Ember as well as my own children. It’s agony.” She touches her breasts for emphasis.

“If she doesn’t want the kid... What am I talking about? Of course, she doesn’t want her. But then I promised to take her on as my own, so I’m just as awful. It wouldn’t have been so hard if Anna wasn’t living next door. She made things so complicated.

“I thought I could do this, but I can’t, and I know deep in her heart that Anna wants to be Ember’s mother, but she’s fighting what she feels for her daughter. The point is, if she really doesn’t want her, she needs to give her to someone who can care for her.”

“And that’s not you.” It’s not a question.

“No. It’s not me. I have four children of my own and one on the way. I just can’t manage. Physically, I am drained. Ember does nothing but cry, which sets off my eighteen-month-old twins. When I agreed to take care of Ember, I never realized it would be this hard.”

“So, because it’s hard, you’re going to abandon the kid? She’s not a damn doll you can pick up and put down when you’ve had enough! Taking on someone else’s child as your own..."

“Because it’s that easy!?" Mandy whisper yells as a tear falls from her eyes. “Do you think I want to be here giving Ember back to Anna? Do you think I don’t love that baby girl as if she were mine? Because I do. When you love someone, you do what’s best for them. I am not what’s best for Ember; Anna is, whether she believes it or not.”

I breathe deeply through my nose. I can’t force this woman to take back the child if it’s not what she wants. Besides, she’s right; you should always put the child first and do what’s best for them, not yourself.

“Come inside. You and Anna need to talk.”

“No.” Mandy smiles slightly, and I can see how tired she is. “I’ve just driven almost four hours with a screaming baby. A baby that cries because she wants her mommy. That little girl bonded with Anna no matter how much she denies it.

“I love Ember so much, and I don’t want to do this. But Ember needs her mother, and I think Anna needs Ember just as much. If she didn’t, Anna would have handed Ember over to me and left, but she didn’t.

“My head is about to explode. I need to get home to my kids. I can’t talk this through with Anna. You have no clue what she can be like when she wants something. She’s extremely manipulative.

“Ember is her daughter. No matter how that precious baby came into this world, no matter the horrors Anna suffered, that baby needs her. She can’t keep looking at this little girl and seeing those monsters.”

I narrow my eyes again.

What is this woman trying to say to me without saying it at all?

“Ember loves her mommy, and Nova needs to remember that fact.” Mandy leans forward and plants a small kiss on the baby’s head. “Goodbye, sweet angel.”

“Oh my God, I needed that.”

With a hissed Shi.t! Mandy runs down the driveway and into her car. She tips her head slightly before backing out, driving away as fast as possible, and speeding down the road.

“What are you doing out there? It’s freezing.”

I turn in Nova’s direction. I’ve already pulled the bags inside. I kick the door shut with my boot. Her eyes are locked on the baby in my arms, and boy, are her eyes wide.

“When were you going to tell me that you have a daughter?”

Nova shakes her head from side to side, her mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. She then turns and runs from the room. She’s not running from this, from her child. I won’t let her.

I follow Nova into her bedroom. She’s standing by the window, arms around her body like she’s trying to protect herself. Carefully, I lie the baby in the middle of Nova’s bed and cover her little body with the blanket from the bottom.

“I take it Mandy took off before I came out?”

“She didn’t want to give you a chance to talk her into taking Ember back with her.”

“That bitc.h promised to care for Ember as her own. How could she just dump her on me like this!”

“I don’t know what’s goin’ on here, but that baby needs you.”

“I can’t keep her here, Tank. I can’t take care of her.”

“Yes, you can, she’s your daughter.”

“No,” Nova shakes her head. I’m standing right behind her, wanting nothing more than to hold her and tell her everything will be okay. But I won’t. Not yet. “She’s not my daughter. She’s something that invaded my body for months like some kind of alien.”

I take a deep breath in through my nose.

How could Nova say such a thing about her own child?

“Take her away. Please.” Her voice is nothing more than a scared whisper. And I have to wonder what she’s been through.

What could have been so bad that she had to push her baby away like this?

Whatever happened, it wasn’t that little girl’s fault. I have to help Nova see that. I lost my parents when I was a kid, and I’d give anything to have them back. Nova was torn from her father as a little girl; she knows the hurt that comes with it.

Does she really want her daughter to feel as abandoned as we did?

Ember is right here in front of Nova, and I have to help her see that no matter what, she can be the mother she believes she can’t be.

I take her by the shoulders and turn her to face me. “I don’t know what happened to you, Nova, but it wasn’t that little girl’s fault.”

“I know that! I never said it was her fault!” She yells at me.

I turn my head, the baby’s eyes open for a second before closing again like they’re just too heavy to keep open. Good.

“I can’t keep her, Tank. I tried to be there for her when she was born. I nursed her, held her, and broke my own heart over what to do. I’m a terrible mother, and she deserves better.”

“She deserves to know her mother. Ember deserves to be loved and protected. She deserves to be with her family.”

“You think my father will love her when he finds out where she came from?”

“What are you talking about, Nova?”

She shakes her head and looks away from me.

I take her face between my hands and force her to look at me. “She’s a part of you. Shepard will love her regardless. Jett will love her. We will all love her, Nova. It doesn’t matter who Ember’s father is.” Nova huffs to herself, and I can feel the sarcasm in it. “Who is her father?”

“Beats me.” She shrugs me off and walks out of the room without so much as looking at Ember.

I can’t seem to look away from her. She looks even smaller, lying in the middle of her mother’s big bed. That little pink sleepsuit with the feet is adorable. Her dark hair is pushed back in her pigtails, and somewhere in her sleep, she hangs on to the pacifier in her mouth for dear life.

What the hell am I doing?

Falling in love with a little girl whose eyes you haven’t even seen open wide yet, Tank.

I lean over and softly kiss the little girl’s head. I then sigh to myself and leave the room.