Siobhán’s Wrath

The Letter

“You good now?”

I just stayed silent. Dwayne called his cousin so Paige and I could talk. Unfortunately ay ayos lang kay Paige na mag-usap pa sila ni Kenjie– pinsan ni Dwayne. Sus, nag-pauto naman siya.

“I brought my car. So, no need to drop me off. Tsaka Makati lang naman ako,”

“Where’s your key? I’ll have someone drive your car home.”

Is he crazy?

“I can still drive home,” I said as I looked outside his car. Nandito pa rin kami sa parking lot, three blocks away from where Paige parked my car.

“There is no way I will let you drive home after having a drink. I’ll drop you home or you’re coming home with me, choose.”

“Whatever. Just drop me home then, make sure your cousin will drop my friend to my condo.” I sighed. Hindi ako baliw para sumama sa bahay niya.

“Do you really think your friend will come home? Of course she will be with my cousin the whole night.” Kalmado lang ulit ang pagkakasabi niya nun.

“WHAT? NO WAY!”

“There– I thought you’re nonchalant.” He chuckled a bit, “what are you, a kid? Matik na ‘yon.” Pinaandar niya na ang kotse niya.

“Anong matik na ‘yon? What the heck are you talking about?!” Matik? Matik what?! Hina-high blood ako ng lalaking ‘to.

“Iuuwi ni Kenjie ang kaibigan mo and they will spend the whole night together.”

“WHAT? Mag-uusap lang tapos whole night? Dinaig pa nila ang pagrorosaryo ah.” Napasapo ako sa noo ko.

“Two lovers together, the whole nigh–”

“Ex. EX LOVERS,” pagtatama ko sa kanya.

“Alright, a guy and a girl are together the whole night. What do you think will happen? Of course something will happen.”

“Like wh–” hindi ko na naituloy ang sasabihin ko nang marealized ko ang ibig niyang sabihin.

“You get it now?” He raised his brows.

“Nope, you’re just overthinking. If we were together the whole night, do you really think something would happen? Of course, wala. Pero ang iisipin ng iba na nakakalam na magkasama tayo ay meron…kahit wala naman talaga.”

“Why don’t we try?” Umangat ang gilid ng labi niya, “prove it, Vawn.”

What?

“Why wou–” hindi ko natuloy ang sasabihin ko nang tumunog ang cellphone ko.

When I checked who was the caller, parang nagising ako dahil si Auntie ‘yon. Dis oras ng gabi…biglang bumilis ang t***k ng puso ko.

“H-hello? Auntie…”

“Shiyo…ang mama mo!”

“B-bakit, auntie? What happened?” Napalingon sa akin si Dwayne habang nagda-drive, maybe because my voice changed.

“Nilaslas niya ang pala-pulsuhan niya. She was throwing tantrum,”

“Stop the ca– ah, no. Bring me back to the parking lot. Oo, tama.” Wala sa sarili kong sabi kay Dwayne pagkababa ko ng tawag.

“W-what? Why? Where do you need to go? I’ll take you there.” Palipat-lipat ang tingin ni Dwayne sa akin at sa kalsada.

“J-just take me back! I need to go to Batangas!” Nagpapanic kong sabi.

“I-I’ll take you there,” he then made a u-turn.

That word…that word… Iyong ate mo, Shiyo… mariin akong napapikit.

We headed to the hospital where my mother was admitted to. Nanginginig ang kamay ko nangdahil sa kaba. Kamuntikan pa akong madapa kamamadali, mabuti na lang at nahawakan ako ni Dwayne.

“WHAT?” I asked when Dwayne grabbed my hand to stop me from heading toward the hospital’s entrance. I’m really going crazy right now, ano nanaman ang eksena niya?

But he did not talk, he just put the sunglasses and facemask on my face.

“You don’t want to get recognized, do you?” I froze for a moment.

Right…artista nga pala ako. Wala naman sanang kaso kung wala akong gustong itago, kaso mayroon akong tinatago.

“T-thanks…you should pu–”

“I doubt people here will recognize me, worry about yourself. Let’s go.” Siya na ang humila sa akin papasok.

Tinawagan ko si auntie Louria, hindi ako pwedeng mag-iwan ng trace that I’m here. I may not be that famous but it’s better to be careful.

“Given your status, VIP ward na ang kinuha ko para kanya,” itinuro ni auntie ang isang silid.

Dwayne had to go inside dahil nasa VIP section kami, walang waiting area sa labas. Pero sa ibang hospital naman ay mayroon.

I looked at my mother who is now lying on the bed. Naka-benda ang kanyang kaliwang kamay. I slowly walk towards her, pero hindi pa man ako tuluyang nakakalapit sa kanya ay dahan-dahang dumilat ang mga mata niya.

“Shiyo…” She weakly called out my name.

I bit my lower lip.

“Ate? Gising ka na! Teka, Shiyo tatawag lang ako ng doctor,” at nagmadali na ngang lumabas si auntie.

“Ma…”

“Why…gusto ko ng makasama ang ate mo.” I felt a pang of pain in my chest.

“S-she’s visiting me every night…she needs me there…” I wanted to hold her, but I couldn’t. I wanted to tell her that I am here but I just could never…how can I bring comfort to her when I, myself didn’t experience it?

“I want her back, Shiyo…” a tear fell from her eyes.

I was just standing near her, I could no longer move my body. She’s near yet so far.

Bahagya niyang itinaas ang kamay niya, she was urging me to come near her. My heart has never been faster, I couldn’t explain where my fear is coming from. Pikit mata akong lumapit sa kanya.

“AAAAHH!” I screamed when she grabbed my hair using her right hand while trying to strangle me using her left hand.

Dwayne was quick enough to get me but he ended up hurting my mother because she wouldn’t let me go.

“ATE!” Sigaw ni auntie. Sa sobrang gulat ko ay hindi ako makapag salita, all I know is I am now in Dwayne’s arm.

My mother is now laughing, “Azzura wants me to bring you with me, Shiyo.”

The doctor comes in with three nurses.

“Ano? Patutulugin niyo nanaman ako?!” My mother is now giving me goosebumps. Ang kaninang tumatawa ay galit na ngayon, ngunit saglit lang din ang galit niya dahil bumalik nanaman siya sa pagtawa.

“Napakatigas talaga ng ulo mo, Shiyo! Ilang beses ko bang sinabi sa’yo na hindi ka pwedeng mag-artista?! Si Azzura…siya lang. Siya lang dapat! Ngayon ay galit tuloy siya sa’yo kaya gusto ka na niyang sumamasa akin papunta sa kanya!”

“S-shiyo…p-pasenya na…”

“Please, pakilabas muna si Shiyo rito.” Narinig kong muli ang boses ni auntie.

Was my mother hallucinating or my sister really came after her? Mariin akong napapikit, pero agad akong napadilat dahil bigla kong nakita si ate sa pagpikit ko. She was wearing the same dress that she wore on her burial and she was seriously staring at me.

“Are you…okay?” Napatingin ako kay Dwayne.

What was that? Am I going crazy? Napahawak ako sa ulo ko.

No…I’m still sane.

I am…

Right…

I am.

Dwayne opened the car door for me.

“Thank you…” I uttered.

“괜찮아? (You okay?)” I was back to reality when I heard Dohyun’s voice.

“O-oh?”

“넌 괜찮지 않아요 (You’re not okay)”

I just stayed silent. Because I really am not okay. Natapos na ang fan meeting nila ngunit hindi ko ‘yon namalayan. I am now here in the back stage with Dohyun yet I didn’t understand what he was saying. Na para bang malabo ang mga mata at pandinig ko.

“Did something happen?” He asked but he suddenly shook his head, “oh…you won’t tell me anyway.” I stared at him. He is now wearing a white shirt and jeans.

“We’re going to Japan too. Come with us, all the members will be supporting the girls.” He was pertaining to The Dreamer.

“What i–,”

He did not let me finish, “That’s Japan. People there value privacy.” He put his hand on my head.

“아…알겠습니다 (Ah…okay)”

I tried to be with myself during The Dreamer’s Japan fan meeting. I practiced their fan chants and sang along with the crowd. I was with the Xscape members, wala kami sa unahan at wala rin kami sa pinakahulihan.

I’m happy for them, they made it. My girls are the best. I also took videos and photos of them. I don’t know yet if I will post these photos and videos but I just want to have a memory with them.

“야, 가? (Hey, you’re leaving?)” Yeong caught me. Tapos na ang mini-performance nila kaya it’s time to meet them.

“네(Yes)” I pursed my lips.

“왜?(Why?)” He looked confused.

“그냥…(Just because…)”

I smiled as I walked out. I fixed my cap before leaving.

I stopped by a convenience store. Parang nag-crave ako bigla ng Japanese noodles.

“*に*かありますか？(Anything else?)” The cashier said but I couldn’t understand what she was saying.

“Uhm…”

“これも*めてお*いします(Please include this)” I heard a guy behind me. Nang tingnan ko ay si Yeong pala.

“Sunbae…” I uttered. He just smiled, he’s wearing a mask and cap. I just see his smile through his eyes.

“난 돈이 있어요. (I have money)” I uttered when we finally settled in our seats.

“알고있어요. 그냥…그냥 먹어요. (I know. Just…just eat)”

“Psh,”

I was wearing a cap, facemask, and sunglasses habang si Yeong naman ay cap and facemask lang. Pareho naming tinanggal ang mga soot namin at tahimik kaming kumain. I wasn’t really close with Yeong kahit noon pa man, batian lang ganon.

“왜 여기에 오셨나요? (Why are you here?)” I asked when I finished my noodles.

“여기 있으면 안 돼요? (Can’t I be here?)” He asked back.

I just sighed as I put my disguise on. He did the same.

“도현이는 항상 당신을 걱정합니다(Dohyun is always worried about you). 그래서, 당신이 떠나는 걸 봤을 때. 당신을 그냥 둘 수 없어요 (So, when I saw you leaving. I cannot just leave you alone)”

“근데 왜?(But why?)” He asked.

Napatingin ako sa kanya, “무슨 말이에요, sunbaenim? (What do you mean, sunbaenim?)”

“그냥 오빠 (Just Oppa). 선배 아니에요 (Not sunbae)” He doesn’t want me to call him senior but he’s so formal…

“네, 오빠. (Okay, kuya)” I uttered.

“좋아요. 왜 그들을 만나고 싶지 않나요? 그들은 당신을 많이 그리워했습니다. (Sounds good. Why don’t you want to meet them? They missed you a lot)”

“그냥…(Wala lang)” I answered.

“우울해졌네요…넌 (You’ve become gloomier). 그래서인지 도현이는 늘 걱정을 한다 (Maybe that’s why Dohyun is always worried)”

“미안해요. (I’m sorry)” I must be a bother then…

“왜 미안해요? (Why are you apologizing?)” He asked. I just stayed silent.

“아니요. 도현이나 우리에게 폐가 된다고 말씀드릴 생각은 없었습니다 (No. I didn't mean to tell you that you are a bother to Dohyun or to us). 그냥 행복하세요. 퇴사 후 고통받는 모습을 보고 싶지 않습니다. 더 행복해야 합니다 (Just please be happy. We do not want to see you suffer after leaving the company. You should be happier). 안 그래? (Hindi ba?)”

“얘들아…(Guys…)” Napatingin ako sa likuran ko. It’s Dohyun.

“아, 도현이네요 (Oh, it’s Dohyun). 나는 지금 출발한다 (I’m leaving now)”

“기다려주세요 (Wait for us)” I heard Dohyun.

“Let’s go. The van is outside, you can’t be seen wearing that cloth.” He grabbed my wrist as he made his way out. Nauna pa nga kami kay Yeong.

Nasa labas nga ang van nila, bumukas iyon. Nasa loob sina Jae, Chuhoon, Haneul, at ang kanilang managers. Napagigitnaan ako ni Jae at Dohyun ngayon. Wala akong naririnig na nagsasalita but I could sense the tension.

“D-did something happen?” Marahan kong tanong kay Dohyun.

“W-well…someone captured a photo of us…including you.”

“O-oh?” I was lost for words. Akala ko malaya akong makakagalaw rito sa Japan. Mabuti na lang at naka cap, facemask, at sunglasses ako. Kinumbinsi pa ako ni Dohyun na kahit huwag na since it’s safe, buti na lang talaga.

I browse through my phone. Kahit sa Philippine fandom ay kalat ang pictures ko with Xscape. I was caught in a video, taking a video rin, tapos ang caption ay, I was there for The Dreamer. Many people are speculating about it…guessing who I was. May pictures pa na naka-akbay sa akin si Dohyun, may pictures na bumubulong sa akin si Yeong, may video na nagchi-cheer kami ni Jae, at pictures na nagha-high five kami ni Haneul. Baka balatana ko gamit ang nail cutter ng mga fans nila.

“Oh…I should’ve come with you guys.”

“괜찮아요(It’s okay)” Ani Dohyun.

“아니요(It’s not)” Pagkontra ko sa kanila.

“괜찮아, Vawn (It’s okay, Vawn)” Saad ng manager ni Dohyun.

But I still don’t think so. Those pictures and photos will affect them.

“I think this is okay,” I told Damon. He picked a song for us to sing sa mall show. Rewrite the Stars ang napili niya.

“Nice. Akala ko matatagalan pa tayo sa pagpili ng kanta eh.”

Kaunting oras lang ang mayroon kami sa pagpa-practice dahil parehong hectic ang schedule namin.

“Vawn, may music video kang ishu-shoot na dalawa for this week.” Balita sa akin ni Mickey.

“Okay, mem.”

I was tired as hell for this day. Kaya tulog ako buong byahe pabalik sa condo ko.

“Ma’am, may mail po pala kayo. Nasa mailbox niyo po.” The concierge informed me.

Mail? I rarely got one. Aside from my bills.

Pumunta ako sa mailbox section, mabuti na lang at dala ko palagi ang susi rin nito dahil nasa iisang lagayan lang naman ‘yon kasama ang susi ko ng condo. I saw a red envelope, seriously? Red talaga?

Pero nagitla ako nang buksan ko ‘yon. Bumungad kasi sa akin ang pictures namin ni ate. The photo was taken in Korea, mind you– it was taken secretly!

Do we really have the same goal?

Why are you idling? Your sister needed you.

You weren’t there for her, now– you should at least serve her justice!

Or I will do it myself. But if I do, I might have to end you since you are useless!

- TRUTH

Nanginginig ako habang nasa elevator paakyat ng condo ko. I even kept on looking back, checking if someone was following me.

That letter alone made me sleepless.

“Vawn, nakshie. Sigurado ka bang ayos ka lang?” Napatingin ako kay Mickey. “Mamaya na ang mall show, pero mukhang hindi ka okay.”

I smiled at him, “I’m okay, mem. Idlip lang ako.” I’m actually running late for our mall show. Dahil may appointment ako earlier. The other casts might’ve performed already, talagang sa time ng performance ko lang ako dadating. Halos lahat ng casts ay may solo performance except me. Dahil wala akong time, yung duet lang namin ni Damon ang kinaya ng oras ko.

I wasn’t able to take a nap along the way, dahil napakaraming pumapasok sa isipan ko.

Ate Jina

Wala na akong balita sa kanya since then. The last time I went to her house, she wasn’t there and her parents were looking for her too. Could it be?

“Vawn, nandito na tayo.” Anunsyo ni Mickey.

Ate Eliza helped me with my things. Pero hindi ko naman inaasa lahat sa kanya, as long as kaya ko namang may bitbitin pa ay binibitbit ko ang ibang gamit.

“Uy! Si Shiyo!” I heard someone calling my name. Kaya lumingon ako kahit pinagmamadali ako ni Mickey. Nginitian ko ‘yong babaeng nagbanggit ng pangalan ko, I don’t know if she’s a my fan but I still smiled at her.

“P-papicture!”

Pero humarang si Mickey, “Mamaya na ho, nagmamadali po kasi kami. Late na ho si Vawn, pasensya na!”

Dumiretso ako sa backstage, nakaayos na kasi ako kanina dahil wala namang dressing room dito sa mall. I am wearing a white t-shirt and white fitted jeans. Mickey styled my hair, pina-wavy niya lang at hinayaan na nakalugay.

“NOW, LET US ALL WELCOME ON STAGE! OUR DYLAN AND AELLA!” Dylan and Aella are our characters in the movie.

Si Damon ang mauunang lalabas sa stage, nasa kabilang bukana rin siya ng stage. Hindi kami magkasama, bale magsasalubong na lang kami mamaya sa gitna.

“You know I want you” Damon walked through the stage.

“It's not a secret I try to hide”

“KYAAAAH!”

“I know you want me”

“So don't keep sayin' our hands are tied”

“You claim it's not in the cards”

“And fate is pulling you miles away and out of reach from me”

“But you're here in my heart”

“So who can stop me if I decide that you're my destiny?” Damon focused on the crowd.

“What if we rewrite the stars?” The crowd was singing with him.

“Say you were made to be mine?” Damon looked at the screen behind him. It shows our scenes together as Aella and Dylan.

“Nothing could keep us apart” Muli niyang ibinalik ang paningin niya sa mga nanonood.

“You'd be the one I was meant to find” Bumaba pa siya ng stage para makipag kamay sa mga nasa unahan.

“It's up to you and it's up to me” Kumaway rin siya sa mga nasa malayo at nasa itaas ng palapag na mga manonood.

“No one can say what we get to be”

“So why don't we rewrite the stars?” Bumalik na ulit siya sa stage.

“Maybe the world could be ours tonight”

“You think it's easy?” I started singing my verse as I walked through the stage. Sinalubong naman ako ni Damon.

“You think I don't want to run to you?” Iginaya niya ako papunta sa gitna.

“OMG!”

“SHIYO! SHIYO! SHIYO!”

“WOOOOHOOO!”

“But there are mountains”

“And there are doors that we can't walk through” Humarap ako kay Damon, he is now pursing his lips while staring at me.

“I know you're wonderin' why” I poke his chest, and that alone made the crowd scream.

“Because we're able to be just you and me within these walls” Itinuro ko si Damon nang banggitin ko ang you at itinuro ko naman ang sarili ko, nang banggitin ko ang me.

“But when we go outside”

“You're gonna wake up and see that it was hopeless after all” I acted as if I was sad.

“No one can rewrite the stars” We both sang, Damon was doing the background.

“How can you say you'll be mine?” I reached for his cheek as I sang this part.

“Everything keeps us apart” Dahan-dahan kong binitawan ang pisngi niya.

“And I'm not the one you were meant to find” I then looked at the crowd. Nakakatuwa, dahil ang dami nila.

“It's not up to you, it's not up to me” Iginala ko pa ang paningin ko, maging ang second floor, third floor, at fourth floor ay maraming taong nakadungaw.

“When everyone tells us what we can be” Inalalayan ako ni Damon pababa ng stage.

“How can we rewrite the stars?” I was singing while interacting with our fans.

“Say that the world can be ours tonight”

“All I want is to fly with you” Damon and I sang. Nasa baba kami ngayon ng stage kaya mas rinig ko ang kiligan ng mga fans.

“All I want is to fall with you” Sabay ulit naming kinanta ni Damon, but this time– he caressed my cheek.

“So just give me all of you” We were focusing on interacting with each other dahil high light naming dalawa ang bridge part.

“It feels impossible” I sang my heart out.

“It's not impossible” Damon sang his heart out on this part too.

“Is it impossible?” I sang again as if I was asking Damon.

“Say that it's possible” Sa part na ito, sa halip na dalawa kaming bibirit ay ako lang dahil hindi kaya ng boses ni Damon. Pero kasabay ko pa rin siyang kumanta but he was doing the low tone.

We then sang the chorus alternatively and together again. Nang matapos kaming kumanta ay naghiyawan at nagpalakpakan ang mga manonood. I gave them my genuine smile. Ganito pala ang pakiramdam ng nagpeperform para sa mga fans nila.

Napabalik ang tingin ko sa hindi kalayuan, bandang second floor. Pinaliit ko pa ang mga mata ko para matingnan ng maayos, napakurap ako ng ilang beses nang makilala kung sino.

Dohyun.

It’s him. He did a two thumbs up, ayan din ang ginagawa ko sa kanya sa tuwing nasa stage siya at ako naman ang nasa crowd. I couldn’t hide my smile.