Race's Obsession 2: Her (COMPLETED)

Chapter 3: Rejected

"I think I need to get my things in the hotel?" I softly asked, weighing him up.

He just glanced at me and didn't speak. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung sigurado siyang kukunin ang gagamit ko. Pero dahil papunta sa condo niya ang daan ay alam kong sigurado siya na dalhin ako roon.

I held my breath when we're already outside his unit. He opened the door and the familiar sorroundings greeted me. Tila ba kahapon lang ako huling nakapunta rito. That same night at the party. Walang pinagbago. Everything is in its place since I left. All of our memories unexpectedly rushed on my mind. I can't almost breath on the familiar nostalgia that constracting my heart.

My emotions are too much. Sa sobrang tindi ay hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko. My body moves. Bago pa ako makapag-isip ng maayos ay naramdaman ko na ang katawan ni Race. I pushed myself more on his back, my arms are locking him.

"I missed you Race." my voice shook as I cried out.

Gustuhin ko mang magsisi sa pag-alis ko ay alam kong may naitulong din iyon sa amin. I know we both learn things from it. Mga bagay na higit na makakatulong sa amin.

His hands held my arms. Humikbi ako sa likod n'ya at mabilis na kinagat ang labi. Again, he tried to let go. Mas naging mariin ang paghawak n'ya sa braso ko bago umikot upang harapin ako.

I didn't wipe my tears. Madalas ko iyong itago noon kina mama. But now, I want Race to see my tears. All the pain I cause to myself for leaving him. I want him to see how much I really missed him.

"Race,"

"You need to rest Kate." he cut me off, obviously doesn't want to hear whatever I want to say. His eyes remain cold. "Your things are already inside the room. I'll just order our dinner."

Kinagat ko na lamang ang labi ko at yumuko ng talikuran n'ya ako. Pinanood ko s'yang pumasok sa kabilang kwarto, the one he said was my room. Sumunod ako ng isinara n'ya iyon. I twisted the doorknob but it was locked. Hindi ako kumatok but I waited for him to open it. But he didn't. 

Hinarap ko na lamang ang kabilang kwarto. Nag-aalangan pa akong buksan iyon. This room holds most of our memories here. I've had enough. Sobrang sakit na ang naramdaman ko sa pag-alala lamang ng mga nangyari sa amin ni Race. At natatakot ako sa kung ano pang posibleng maramdaman sa loob ng kwartong ito.

Slowly, I twisted the handle and pushed the door open. At first I didn't feel at all. Ngunit ng tuluyan na akong nakapasok sa loob ay kakaibang kirot ang naramdaman ko sa puso ko. Tila ba sa loob ng limang taon ay ngayon lang ulit nabuksan ang kwartong ito. Nostalgia hits me. Every corner of this room reminds me of Race. Marahan akong umupo sa kama at mas naramdaman ang pagdaloy ng luha sa mukha ko.

I shouldn't be feeling this. Race is beyond my reach now. I should not let myself be drowned just thinking about our past memories. We are together. We should be making new memories rather than reminiscing of the past alone. Ngunit kahit ganoon, kahit kasama ko na s'ya ay hindi ko pa rin ramdam. He's near yet feels so far.

Mugto ang mga mata ko ng nagising ako dahil sa ingay ng kulog at ulan. And because of an unbearable cold. Mabilis akong tumayo ng makita ang kidlat sa madilim na kalangitan. Sinarado ko ang glass window door at ang kurtina. I enjoyed the fresh air that I forgot to close it. Nang tiningnan ko ang digital clock sa nightstand ay nakitang ala-una na ng madaling araw.

I'm still wearing the crop top and shorts I wore for going to the racing track. Dahil marahil sa kakaiyak ko ay hindi ko na namalayang nakatulog ako.

The roaring of the thunder and the lights of the lightning become too much. Ganoon din ang lakas ng buhos ng ulan. I'm not afraid of it. But I'm used to going to my mother's room when there's a frightening sound of thunder.

Covering myself with the comforter, ay lumabas ako ng kwarto. But not without turning the aircon off. The floor is too cold for my barefeet. Sinuot ko na rin ang tsinelas na pambahay na ginagamit ko noon. It's small for my feet now but it will do for now. Sanay naman ako sa sobrang lamig sa ibang bansa. Siguro ay hindi lamang ako handa ngayon.

The apartment is too quiet. The lights are off inside Race's room. Even all the lights around. Ang liwanag ng kidlat mula sa glass window lang ang nagbibigay ng liwanag. I open a little light first before closing the curtains.

Silently, with the comforter still around me, I walk to the kitchen. I need hot chocolate. Napansin ko sa counter ang pagkain na in-order ni Race para sana sa dinner. Nagsalubong ang kilay ko dahil wala pa iyong bawas. He hasn't eaten dinner too? I don't know if he knocks on the door to call and wake me up or not.

I changed my mind about making hot chocolate. Instead, muli akong bumalik sa hallway. Siguro naman ay gising s'ya dahil sa lakas ng ulan at kulog. Maybe I can ask him we eat together.

I've been knocking several times pero wala pa rin. His room remains dark. I tried the handle but it's locked. Sighing, I walked back inside his room again forgetting my desire of having hot chocolate.

"Bakit hindi? Are you with Von?" tanong ni Andrea mula sa kabilang linya.

Huminga ako ng malalim at inilagay sa pagitan ng balikat at tainga ang cellphone ko. Ang mga tupperware ay maayos kong inilagay sa paperbag. "I'm in his condo. And I think he's out early for work."

"Out early?" takang tanong n'ya. I heard Aston's muffled voice before Andrea speaks again. "He's not there lastnight Kate. Aston said he's with Aven and Benz in a bar and that Race stayed in his suite in Berlinetta."

My heart sinks. Maayos ko ng hinawakan ang cellphone bago tinitigan ang paper bag, containing our lunch. I cooked him food and planning to bring it in his office. Hindi naman kase nagalaw ang pagkaing in-order n'ya. I thought he's needed in his office that he forgot to eat breakfast. Iyon naman pala ay wala s'ya rito kagabi. I was alone lastnight. When the thunder is all roaring. I thought that it's fine being alone in a room as long as he's just one call away. But no, ngayon ko lamang naramdaman ang takot na dapat na naramdaman ko para kagabi. Paano na lamang kung hindi ko alam na wala s'ya rito? Maybe until now I'm still bent into a ball on the corner of the room. Knowing that there's a thunder storm and I'm all alone. Hindi naman talaga ako takot doon. Hindi ko mararamdaman ang takot as long as I know I'm not alone and I have a company. But thinking about lastnight, ngayon ko lamang talaga naramdaman ang matinding pag-iisa.

"Kate? You still there?"

I sighed, wiping my face. But there are no tears. Maybe it gets all tired from the crying last night. "Y-Yes."

I know he has a reason. He went for a bar and slept in a hotel? Kung anuman ang dahilan n'ya gusto kong malaman. He lets me stay here himself anyway. Kung iniiwasan n'ya ako ay bakit pa ako papatirahin dito?

It's already lunch time. Siguro naman ay nasa office na s'ya ngayong oras na ito. Sayang din ang niluto ko kung hindi ko dadalhin sa kanya.

Andrea had told me about his office before. Sumakay ako ng taxi papunta roon. Maybe I should buy my own car here. Ayaw ko namang ipadala pa rito ang kotse ko sa ibang bansa. Dagdag gastos lang at isa pa ay kakaylanganin ko rin iyon pagbumalik ako. And besides, I don't have enough monet to buy myself a car. Siguro nga ay dapat na maghanap na muna ako ng trabaho habang nandito.

The guard greeted me. I greeted him back. Sa lobby ng building ay naroon ang mga bagong model ng sasakyan. With a different color. Most of the car looks classic and modern. Most of them are sports cars.

"Excuse me," I said to the lady at the reception desk. "Where's Race office?"

The receptionist looks up at me confused. "Race?"

Tipid akong ngumiti sa kanya. "Von. Von Neumann?"

Tumango s'ya sa akin bago ako tinitigan mula ulo hanggang paa. As to how far the desk between us would allow. "Do you have an appointment with him, Ma'am...?"

She let the word hangs. "Kate. Just call me Kate. I'm just here to give this to him." inangat ko ang paperbag upang makita n'ya. "Tell him I'm here."

"I'm sorry Miss Kate but Mr. Neumann is busy at this moment. He has an important meeting in his office."

An important meeting again?

"But you can leave it here." tukoy n'ya sa paperbag na dala ko. "I'll ask someone to bring that to him."

Mabilis akong umiling at tipid na ngumiti. "No, I want to bring this to him myself. I can wait. You can just tell him I'm here. I, I'm his friend." halos bulong na sinabi ko.

"Friend?" a voice laughs behind me.

Nagsalubong ang kilay ko sa tumatawang si Grey.

"She's his girlfriend, wife, live-in partner, whatever you called it." sabi n'ya sa receptionist. "Let her upstairs bago pa magalit sa'yo si Von."

"Grey!" saway ko sa kanya ng maramdaman ang pag-init ng pisngi ko. Sinulyapan ko ang receptionist na nanlalaki ang mga mata sa akin.

"What?" natatawang sinabi ni Grey bago sinulyapan ang hawak ko. "You cooked him lunch huh? I hope that would set up his mood."

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

"Well," nagkibit balikat s'ya. "It's either a hang-over or still about you."

Bago pa ako muling makapagsalita ay hinawakan n'ya ang likod ko papunta sa elevator. Tinulak n'ya ako sa loob. Pumasok din s'ya ngunit para lamang pindutin ang button sa flat ng office ni Race. Nang lumabas s'ya ay kumaway s'ya sa akin.

"You really owe me a night bar now. Anyway, he doesn't have a secretary. He afraids he might cheat on you more often."

Umawang ang bibig ko sa sinabi n'ya. Ngumisi s'ya sa akin bago tuluyang sumara ang elevator. He might cheat on you more often. Ano namang ibig n'yang sabihin doon? O alam ko, ayaw ko lamang tanggapin.

Nang makarating sa tamang palapag ay totoong walang secretary si Race. Maliit lang ang building na ito kumpara sa paniguradong mataas na company building ng family nila. But he made this entire floor as his office. Hindi ako sigurado kung napansin na n'ya ako o masyado lamang s'yang busy sa kanyang laptop. He's alone. I guess, an important meeting he had was with Grey.

I used the moment to look around. In the middle is a small living area. But it's not a typical one. There's a car's part that made it. Tila isang loob ng limousine. There are also abstract paintings around. Race's desk is on the corner. Behind him is a wide glass window. Beside his desk is another desk. There's also a swivel chair behind. I wonder who's desk is that.

On the side of the room is a long wooden table good for eight people. Lumapit ako doon at inilagay ang paperbag. Sinulyapan ko si Race at nanginig ang tuhod ng mapansing nakatingin s'ya sa akin.

He again looks serious... and cold. "What are you doing here?"

Tumayo ako ng tuwid. I gesture him the paperbag on the table and smile a little. "I cooked you food. Do you wanna eat?" sinimulan ko ng ilabas ang mga tupperware sa paperbag ng hindi s'ya sumagot. "Let's--" eat. I'm about to say but he interjected me.

"Leave it there," he said. "And you may now leave."

Mabilis ko s'yang nilingon, na ngayon ay nakatutok muli sa kanyang laptop. "Race?" I thougt I heard it wrong. But then...

"Leave it there and you may leave," he repeated as if his words didn't cause sting to my heart.

"Race," my voice shook. "I just thought you need lunch since you haven't eaten anything from lastnight and..."

"And I said you leave it there. And I definitely ate lastnight."

"D-Do you need coffee?" I hesistantly asked, thinking that maybe it's his hang-over.

"No."

I was silent for a moment. Binalingan ko ang mga tupperware sa table bago pinaglaruan ang mga daliri. I want to eat with him. I want to eat with him in his condo, in his room, in his kitchen, in his office. Not in an exclusive restaurant we used to these past two weeks. I want to be alone with him. I want to...

"talk..." I voice my thought outloud.

Race just glanced once at me, checking if I'm still here.

"Race can we talk? Please?"

"Can't you see I'm busy?" Another dagger words directed to my heart. Whenever his words hit me, I feel... rejected.

"Please, just a minute." I insisted.

He darted his eyes from his laptop to me, to the food on the table and back to me. "You cooked the food for me?"

I quickly nodded to his soft voice. But smirked and shook his head. "Then leave it there now. Let's talk some other time."

"You're always saying that!" I said a bit harsh. Hindi ko na s'ya maintindihan! "You always say we're gonna talk but then you're always ignoring me. You don't want to talk, that's what you should say. You really don't want to but Race I want a talk! I need a talk!"

Hinihingal ako pagkatapos ko iyong sabibin lahat. My voice is hoarse but I don't feel like crying. I feel tired. I feel like this is all enough. He's acting so much damn cold to me since I came back here!

"Race--" natigilan ako ng marahas n'yang isinara ang kanyang laptop. So hard I know the screen breaks.

His brows knitted furiously. He just stared at me, didn't say anything in return when I know he has too many things to tell to my face. He's still cold. I can feel it. Colder than the snow in New York. Colder than being alone lastnight. The worst part is he's directing his coldness all to me.

I thought I'm tired. I thought this is enough but no. I still want to talk to him. I want him to tell me how he feels when I left. I want him to tell me all his disappointment and frustrations when I left him all alone. I want him to blame me for causing the two of us the pain in those five long years. I want him to throw me all the blame. Ayaw kong sarilihin n'ya iyon. Ayaw ko ng mabuhay kami sa mga ala-ala. I want him to talk to me again. I want him to speak all his heart to me again. I want him. I need him. I need my Race back.

I nervously fiddled on my fingers. Kailangan kong isipin na hindi lamang ako ang nahihirapan. Hindi lamang ako ang nasasaktan. We are both suffering and I need to understand him.

"I-I'm sorry," I said in a very low voice and walked quietly out of his room. Leaving him alone. But I promise I'm not going to leave him all the way all alone again. Ever again.

I will make him talk to me again sooner or later. I will.