Afraid to Love

3

I walked into the hospital with my own mug in my hands. I had scrubs in my purse and was wearing layers over everything else because it was almost in the low twenties outside. I got to the floor, checked in with Dr. Woodford, and then we headed to see Sarah.

“Hey there chickadee.” I smiled when she giggled at the nickname and I smiled at her parents. “Everyone ready? Or almost ready?” I asked looking around noticing no ‘uncles’ around.

“They all headed out for coffee so Dr. Woodford could go over everything one last time.” Mitch told me, and I nodded.

“But Uncle Nick just went to the bathroom.” She said, and I smiled at her. “You’ll like him. He’s really funny.” She told me, and I smiled even wider.

“All Uncles are funny. Trust me... if it were your dad you would be embarrassed.” I teased and touched her foot before looking to Mitch who only nodded in agreement.

“Okay, so you haven’t eaten anything since midnight, right?” He asked her, and she shook her head. “Have you gone to the bathroom yet?”

“Just number one.” She told him, and he nodded at her and started to fill out the little chart as he did her prep. I was here for any last-minute questions and when I heard someone walk in behind me I turned and saw someone who made my stomach drop. “Uncle Nick!”

I looked at him, watched him like he was a snake about to strike. His light brown eyes always seemed to know everything I was going to say, always os expressive. His hair was exactly the same color as his eyes, it was one of the things that I loved about it. Not to mention it was thick and soft and I used to run my fingers through it to help me focus on reading. I shifted my eyes from his very familiar face and looked over his body, boy his body filled out. He used to be skinny, and then over the years we had dated and he started to play hockey more and more, he filled out, but now… now he was like a walking meat bag.

“Hi again Sarah... didn’t tell me it was Sofia Tomei.” He didn’t look to Sarah, in fact he didn’t take his eyes off me. He gave me a smile and crossed his arms. “What’s it been Sof? 8 years?” He asked me, and I gulped and shrugged.

“About that.” I said and turned back to Sarah. “Before he came back in... you were asking me a question.” I added and listened intently as she asked about what her speech might sound like. “It might be slurred. You might lose feeling in your tongue for a while, but you’ll work through it with me, and you’re going to sound normal like you do now in no time.” I waved her worries away and I felt Nick come and stand beside me.

“Going by Sofie now huh?” Nick asked, and I gulped and looked over at him.

“No... I just let my clients call me either. I was never one for reiteration.” I told him, and he nodded.

“So, you two know each other?” I heard Mitch ask and I gulped and looked down.

“This is Sofia... the one I told you about. We basically grew up together. Always went to the same schools.”

“They one that you got-”

“Yeah.” I stopped the trail of thought and looked at Mitch and then over to Nick. “If you will excuse me I need to change into my scrubs for the OR.” I said and took a deep inhalation on Nick as I passed and smelled some new cologne.

I didn’t like it. It didn’t smell like he used to.

Nick Samuels was my high school sweetheart and when things started to go bad for my mom and I knew I had to defer a year and work full time Nick wanted to stay with me. Wanted to help me.

And I pushed him away. I pushed him to college and cut off all contact with him when my dad turned my life upside down. And he did the same when I finally gave in and told him that I would never be able to trust a guy like him because I couldn’t even trust my own father.

My father, before the truth came out about him and my aunt, would have never been the kind of guy I thought would cheat on anyone. He was kind and funny and yeah, now that I know better he likes to flirt with the cashiers and the waitress. And the bottom line was the rug had been pulled from under me when I realized that if my own dad could break my heart what could Nick do to it.

Somehow Nick assumed that I would always think of him as worse than my dad because he told me all about how f****d up I was being and how I didn’t know what I wanted. That because of my childhood I was f****d up.

And he knew my childhood. He knew all my secrets. He knew my entire family. He knew about my salvation, he knew I loved to bake and I only did it after my mom had been drinking. He knew that I loved Christmas more than any other holiday because my mother had never binged on that day before.

And he threw that back in my face and told me that I was too f****d up now more than ever. That was 8 years ago. When we last talked.

Nick had always been good at Hockey. He was captain at our school for two years. I never kept tabs on him. I didn’t want to. He was free of me and my life and I would have let that be.

But here he was... in the same city, in the same hospital, in the same little family group I was now working with.

I scrubbed my hands when I got into the OR for longer than 5 minutes. And I kept them sterile as I watched Sarah say bye to her mom and dad outside and Nick kneeled and gave her a kiss on the forehead before looking up and right at me. I looked to the nurse as she opened the door and she started to bring in the wheelchair with Sarah in it.

“Uncle Nick said he wanted to talk to you after.” Sarah said looking over at me.

“I think after I am going to be talking with you, and your mom and dad.” I told her with a little laugh.

“Do you like my Uncle?” She asked me, and I smiled with my eyes.

“I’ve known him for a really long time.” I told her, and she waited for more. “Nicky is hard not to like.” I told her, and she giggled at my old nickname for him.

“Are you going to be my aunt then?” She asked, and I laughed this time.

“Me and Nicky aren’t even dating honey. We were only friends when we were growing up.” I lied, and she sighed but nodded.

“But he has your name on him.” She said, and I paused before looking down. “He says it’s a tattoo.”

He still had his tattoo. I still had mine, but I wasn’t someone who made big money playing a game.

“Tattoos are hard to get off.” I told her and felt her watching me like I was going to tell her where his name was.

While Dr. Woodford gave her the medicine and made sure she couldn’t feel anything, I took a moment to think about Nick and I’s past. I had gotten the tattoo of his name first... like a dummy. But I had loved him.

I loved him the moment I told him about my past and he didn’t look at me differently. The first person who didn’t see anything wrong with how I lived and watched me like a hawk when I was quiet.

He was protective but didn’t treat me as fragile. So, we both fell in love. We dated for four years, didn’t have s*x until our senior year. And after I gave him all of me... I decided to stamp his name on my body, just swirling around my ankle.

He had asked me to be his for the rest of our lives... and I had agreed at a moment's notice. And then he turned around and got my name inked over his heart. I had cried so hard because someone loved me that much.

When I saw the drill and such things being prepped I got Sarah to focus on me, and talk to me, and tell me about the drawing I held up for her. She didn’t have any issues until her blood pressure dropped and she fell asleep all on her own. I stepped back and let them work. It was a common complication that they would take care of, but sadly Woodford had to finish while she was asleep.

So, I didn’t and wouldn’t know how her speech was until she woke up again. I walked out when she was unconscious and told him I would give the update. I understood medical jargon enough to explain what had happened and knew how to make sure the parents didn’t freak out.

I walked into the waiting room, still in my scrubs and saw Mitch pacing, Lola typing away on her phone and Nick lounging with a couple other guys who all stood then they saw me.

“News?” Mitch’s one word trembled, and I nodded.

“With permission to speak freely I can talk about what happened.” I told him and nodded the guys.

“Of course.” Lola said, and I nodded to her and looked from both parents.

“She was doing great. She didn’t have any problems with her speech. But then one of the most common things happened. Her BP, blood pressure bottomed out, so she did fall asleep. And Dr. Woodford is so close to being done and getting everything out that we can’t pause and wait for her to wake back up. She could have been asleep for three more hours and we don’t have permission in the OR for that much time. The part of the brain he is working on now is durable. Even if, and that is a big if, something does happen, and she wakes up not speaking correctly I am 95 percent sure that I can correct it over time.” I told them and they both looked so relieved. “I do want to stay and wait for her to wake up... just so I know what to prepare for. So, once she is in recovery I will come and get you guys, and sadly only immediate family is allowed. It will be after visiting hours, but you guys can come back tomorrow when she is in another room.” I said looking to the all the guys behind the couple.

“But we can know what she wakes up right?” One of the guys asked and I nodded.

“Of course, as long as her parents give all the nurses permission you guys can all come in and check in on her recovery after hours.” I stated before looking to Nick, which was a mistake because he was watching me with a small smile. I knew that smile. It was his proud smile. Like when I passed my midterms in junior year.

I looked towards the parents and smiled. “How often can we have updates?” Lola asked me, and I pushed my lips together.

“Every 20 to 30 minutes.” I offered, and she nodded and leaned on her husband. “Does anyone else have questions before I head back?” I asked loudly so even the team members in the back would head me.

“Yeah. But it can wait until the next update.” Nick said, and I gulped after nodding and turning around. I rushed back to the OR not wanting to even think about his question.

I stood back for next half hour and walked calmly back to tell the parents that are. Woodford was almost done and that they shouldn’t be in there another 30 minutes.

I was walking back when I felt Nick walking beside me. “Gunna let me ask my question?” He all but whispered in my ear and I nodded and just kept walking. “Okay, stop.” He said grabbing my arm and the touch alone as innocent as it had been, made me back away and stop.

“What?” I asked and when he looked around and stepped closer to me I didn’t even make it a full step back before my foot hit the wall.

“What happened to you? I came back the first long weekend and Thanksgiving and Christmas and your mom always told me you left.” He said, and I looked down and sighed.

“I didn’t live with my mom. Or my dad. You knew what happened. She was drinking more than ever, and I turned my life around. I didn’t cut my parents out completely, but I only saw them on my terms.” I felt like I had to explain my decisions to him.

“That’s not what I asked. I wanted to know where you were, I could assume why you left.” He said, and I felt the embarrassment wash over me and he waited again.

“I became a live in Nanny.” I told him with my head high.

“A Nanny? You? The one chick I always knew who hated kids?” He laughed, and I rolled my eyes and looked towards the OR.

“I have to go Nick.” I said, and he stopped laughing and sighed.

“Wait a second. That wasn’t my only question.” He told me, and I waited to hear the others. “Dinner with me tonight.” That wasn’t a question.

“I’m gunna be here waiting for Sarah to wake up.” I told him shaking my head.

“Breakfast then... I’d offer lunch, but we have an afternoon practice.” He said, and I gulped.

“I’m happy for you Nicky, I really am... but I don’t date. Not since you and I don’t feel ready to. I just moved here. I have a lot of unpacking and meetings with other doctors to get through if I’m going to thrive here.” I started and when he narrowed his eyes he stepped forward yet again.

“Sof are you telling me you moved here on a whim?” He asked crossing his arms and almost glaring at me.

“No, I moved here because I needed to get farther away from my family. I can’t watch them anymore.” I said and gulped before he tilted his head.

“Where else did you go?” He asked, and I was confused.

“What do you mean?”

“I went back all 4 years-”

“I lived with other families I had a roommate for 6 months. I made due. Once I was out of that house I never went back.” I told him and shuddered just thinking about it and he stepped forward and placed a hand on my arm and tried to pull me in for a hug, but I fought it and pulled back.

“Sof.” He all but begged me to give in. But I was warped now.

“Bye Nick.” I whispered and turned back around to the OR and this time he let me leave.