Afraid to Love

9

I took a car home before showering, getting fresh clothes, new makeup, I even twisted my hair and blow dried it until it would be wavy when I put it all down.

I messaged him when I was finishing up my makeup and he sent me a text right back saying he would be here in less than five minutes. I looked at myself, hating that I wasn’t looking my best.

It was freezing out, I had on leggings, deep blue jeans that fit me well, and a body suit that was a long sleeve semi low cut deep blue thick fabric and I slipped my thick wool jacket over it before heading downstairs.

I grabbed my good heels from my closet and waited to put them on until he was outside. I walked out when I heard his door close and locked up as he got all the way up the stairs.

“What? No more cookies?” He asked me, and I laughed.

“Maybe when you bring me back with my tree.” I told him, and he just nodded to me. We got down to his truck, he insisted on opening my door, and I closed my door as he moved around the front to get in his side.

“So, I hope you still love Hispanic food.” He told me, and I just laughed before looking to the road.

“It is the food of my people. And for the record you used to love it way more than I did.” I pointed at him and he just rolled his eyes.

“Your mom was a great cook.” He said, and I just nodded and thought it over before looking to the sidewalks as we were headed towards the freeway.

“That she was, now she can barely lift an empty pan.” I whispered to myself. He heard me, I know he did. And I knew that he already knew about my mom, because e had already told me that he asked about me, and I knew that my mom would have told him all about her condition and how bad it was getting over time. She’s got ALS, me and all my siblings pool our money every month and shell out money for her in-home care nurse.

“Did you get her recipe book?” He asked after a couple moments of silence.

“We all have copies. I have two just in case.” I laughed lightly and looked towards him as he got into the fast lane.

“How did you manage that?” He asked, and I watched the road.

“I’m holding onto Marks. He has most of his things in a storage locker since he’s mostly in convoys and stuff, I sold his truck, his Tv, kept most of his movies through.” I said, and he smiled and nodded.

“And Maggie? She got a copy? I hope her baby daddy uses it more than she does.” He laughed, and I chuckled at the thought of my sister cooking. She was a clutz and almost every time she made something she either cut herself, burned a piece of her clothing, hair, or body part, or, she screwed up the recipe.

“Dave is actually husband now. Surprised you didn’t get an invite to the wedding. My mom planned it.” I told him, and he laughed lightly before looking over at me. “What?”

“I did get one. And then I showed up… and Mark told me to leave.” He told me, and I felt confused.

“You went to the wedding?” I asked him, and he nodded before sighing.

“I was outside, waiting for you and your sister and the whole bridal party when Mark walked out to meet you guys. He said that you had moved on. That seeing me would ruin not only your day, but Maggie’s.” He admitted, and I just clenched my jaw before looking away.

“He never even mentioned that.” I whispered, and he laughed lightly.

“You gotta know that he wouldn’t. Not if you had moved on.” He edged the silent question and I just licked my lips.

“I hadn’t by then. I moved on about six months after the wedding. It was with my new employer’s best friend. He kept showing up when I was having off time and asking me out, and I finally gave in before he showed me a good time. I didn’t love him though.” I told him and licked my lips.

“Did you love anyone else?” He asked slowly. I paused before answering and watched him worry about it before he finally looked over at me.

“What do you think?” I asked, and he gulped hard as he started to weave through traffic.

“I am hoping you really did move here because of job opportunities, and not because some guy broke your heart and you wanted to get away.” He told me before looking right at me and I just reached over to grab his hand.

“I’ve never loved anyone else.” I told him and watched as his face broke into a huge smile before he focused on the road and took the next off ramp.

We were quiet for the rest of the ride, he pulled into a well-lit parking lot and I saw a line out the door and silently hoped he had reservations. I stepped out of the truck and he came around, grabbed my hand and pulled me in close as we walked past all the people to get the host.

“Have a reservation.” I heard Nick say, but the guy looked up, saw his face, and it was like he was in the presence of a celebrity. He started to panic, and he reached out to touch Nick like he wouldn’t be there and I just looked to Nick and saw that he was just smiling.

“Let me get my manager.” He said before taking off towards the kitchen. I looked to Nick and he just wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

“What was that?” I asked him in a hushed tone and he looked down at me before licking his lips.

“Hockey is bigger up here than it is down there. You remember how everyone freaked out when the Warriors were at that In and Out? That is kind of how people react up here.” He told me, and I just laughed lightly.

“So, you’re saying I am out on a date with a famous person?” I asked, and he just sent me a wink before the manager and the Host came back.

“Hello Nick. You had the reservation for the private room, right?” The manager asked and looked to me. “Very beautiful.” He said looking to me and I just clenched my teeth in a sweet fake smile before we waved at us and told Nick to follow him.

“Here.” Nick said holding out my chair for me and I just smiled at him before taking my jacket off as I sat.

“These are for you; shall I get the best wine?”

“I’ll actually have a margarita please. No sugar cane.” I added, and the guy nodded before looking to Nick.

“Just water for me. I am driving.” He told him, and I just took a moment as he left before looking towards Nick.

“Did he really comment on my looks like he was approving?” I asked, and Nick just laughed lightly.

“I bring Sarah here sometimes, and he always calls her beautiful, it was more of an inside joke.” Nick all but promised and I just nodded to him and smiled as I looked over the menu. “What are you hungry for?” He asked, and I looked at him and then back to the menu. “The garbage omelet here is mouthwatering.” He said, and I looked up to him once more time before looking over the dinner options.

“You always were a weird guy. Always wanting breakfast for dinner.” I told him as I looked over the sandwiches before the meats.

“My mom wasn’t as cool as yours. We had simple meals, we barely got salt to taste.” He laughed, and I looked up at him.

“You know as well as I do that my mom wasn’t cool, she was lazy or drunk.” I said lowly and he gave a face before he reached for my hand and rubbed his thumb over mine.

I thought back to the first time Nick ate with us as a family, and I cringed.

            “Set the table.” I heard my mom shout through the house before a pan slammed.

“I’ll do it.” I heard Maggie whisper to me and I looked down, not wanting Nick to see my face before looking to the TV once more. I could barely hear it, it was something my mom always told us to do. Turn it down so she can hear the radio in the kitchen.

This TV was a replacement from our last that she took upon herself to break. She threw one of her many cast iron skillets at it when it was too, that was almost a month ago, and dad went out and bought another one the next morning.

Nick had finally come over to meet my parents outside of school, dad was working late, which meant mom was drunk and she would make whatever was easy. Which meant pancakes and eggs and bacon. If we were lucky she had made hash browns too.

“Well! Come and eat!” She shouted through the house and I got up and felt Nick grab hold of my hand as we went into the kitchen to sit down. There were hash browns.

“It looks delicious Mrs.Tomei.” I heard Nick say as he moved around and pulled my regular chair out and I gulped as I sat down.

“It looks like breakfast.” She said to him with a sugar sweet voice that I could tell was sarcasm.

“Thank you mom.” I said in a low voice and I heard her scoff, but I just started to dish everything out. I gave Nick some, then I took eggs that looked a little too well done and then handed everything to my brother and made eye contact with Maggie.

“So, Nick… why did you want to come over? To eat?” I heard my mom and I gulped and looked to him and tried to express how sorry I was that he was going to be in the hot seat.

“No ma’am, despite it being a benefit I would really like to talk to you and your husband about taking Sofia out on a proper date.” He sounded so bold and grown up and I was sitting next to him, a whimpering wincing mess like a 5-year-old.

“Yeah?” She laughed lightly and leaned forward. “How are you going to take my youngest on a proper date? Do you have a car? A job?” She asked, still laughing and I heard her lighter and smelled the smoke before she blew her first drag in his direction.

“I do actually. I work at an auto body shop, and it’s my uncles, and he is going to let me use a car.” He told her, and I gulped and waited for a reply.

“And when I get my daughter back is she going to be knocked up?” I heard my brothers fork clang to the plate he was scarfing food from.

“I am done.” He said getting up and I saw our mother’s attention snap to his face.

“Well then son, sit down and relax.” She said it in a tone that we all knew well, and he challenged her for a moment and I heard Maggie whisper his name and he looked around before conceding and sitting back in his seat. “Eat more, your dad is probably going to get something on his way home, and we all know that he doesn’t like wasting food.” She said and skid the bacon pan over towards him.

“Mom?” I heard Maggie call and I looked to her.

“Yes Maggie?” She asked with a little snap and I looked to Nick who was happily eating.

“Can you pass the syrup?” She asked after a short moment of silence. Somewhere between her handing it over, and eating, my dad came home. He tossed his jacket on the hoot, threw his stuff near their bedroom and walked in.

“Look who finally came to meet us.” I heard my mom call out before she even greeted him, and I looked to my dad as he came into the kitchen. He looked at her, then Nick, and then me.

“Enjoying dinner?” He asked Nick and he just nodded before he leaned down to give me mom’s forehead a peck.

“He wants to take our baby on a proper date.” My mom said, and I heard the hate in her voice and I looked to dad before Maggie and she just gave me a wink.

“At least he is asking for permission. We both know our son never does that to the girls he takes out.” I heard my brother sigh and he just got up from the table. “Bye.” My dad called out before taking his seat and grabbing the clean plate and then putting stuff on it and digging in. “What were you thinking?” He asked aloud and I looked to Nick, and he waited like he wasn’t sure, so I nodded.

“There is this place my aunt’s sister owns, it’s just a little restaurant, I would love to take Sofia there… that way you can always confirm that we went there.” He offered out and looked between my parents and then to me.

“What do you think?” I heard my mom ask my dad and I just waited.

“As long as it’s still light out when you bring her back, then yes, and it’s going to be a lunch date, not a dinner date.” He added and looked to me and gave me a small smile before reaching out to pinch my cheek. “She’s my baby, and while Maggie has never had a date you seem like a decent guy.”

“Plus, we know where you will be, right Sofia? You’ll send up updates- “

“Georgina- “

“No Eric, we are going to get updates. I will not have my baby getting knocked up. Not like my sisters- “I sighed lowly and gulped hard.

“Georgina, she is not your sisters.” My dad stated, and I just gulped.

“Are you done Nick?” Maggie spoke up and I looked towards her and mouthed a thank you before looking towards Nick.

“I think it’s best if you go.” I whispered to him and got up myself and he just nodded before moving to shake my father’s hand and then holding his hand out to my mother who just glared at it.

“It was really great to meet you two.” He said as he slung his backpack over his shoulder and held onto his jacket.

“Come on.” I said and grabbed his hand before looking towards the front door. He followed me, pulling me to a stop as soon as we were outside.

“What?” He asked, and I hated that he knew that something was wrong without me having to say anything.

“I can’t believe that she is acting like that, I can’t believe that she is drunk when she knew that I was bringing you home- “

“Sugar, I will tell you this once more. I don’t care about her drinking, I don’t care about her not liking me right away. I will try my hardest to win her over because that means I get to have you for our lives. I knew about all of this before I ever dated you remember? I was prepared for it, not that I was expecting it.” He told me, and I gulped and tried not to tear up, but he pulled me in, gave me a kiss, and held me for a moment too long because I had started to cry.

He rubbed my back and shushed me before he pulled back and kissed my forehead. “I think my dad likes you.” I whispered to him and he smiled against my face.

“I like the breakfast for dinner, I have never had that before.” He said, and I smiled and pulled back a little bit. “I should so come over every time you guys have that.” He said, and I laughed this time and he leaned down and gave me a quick peck. “I love you Sugar." He told me, and I just gulped and nodded. “I know your secrets, and I know your heart, and I want it all.” He promised, and I felt him pulling away and heading downstairs.

“How can it be that my mom hated you when she first met you, but loved you every other time you came over?” I asked him, and he just gave me a crooked smile and I just waited.

“Are you kidding?” He asked, and I shook my head. “The first time I met her she was drunk, the second, she was sober, she apologized, tried to lie to me. I caught her on it, told her that she didn’t need to lie to me, that I knew everything. She asked why I still wanted to be around her.” He gave a small laugh and I gulped. I hadn’t heard this before. “When I told her, it was all because of you, she kind of had this look on her face before she nodded and grabbed my hand. She then told me that if I ever hurt you that she would break every bone in my body, and once I recovered she would make me a quadriplegic.” He laughed lightly, and I gulped hard.

“I guess she apologized a lot the next time you saw her. You didn’t hurt me, I hurt you.” I said, and he just watched me as I reached for my water and when I went to set it down the cup he took my hand and held it tight.

“You did hurt me, but I hurt you back. And we are both here, we are both sorry, we both still love each other.” He said, and I gulped hard and looked around the room before back to him.

“Nick-”

“Here we are.” I heard the waiter and I just smiled at him as he set down my margarita and then Nick’s drink. “Are we ready to order? A couple more minutes? The specials?” He pushed, and I just nodded.

“The specials please.” I spoke up when he seemed confused at what we meant.

“Well the most delicious one we have is actually a steak salad. I had the full for lunch and it was amazing. It has this amazing dressing made of the au ju sauce.” He said, and I just smiled at him before he continued. He listed everything before I heard Nick ordering his usual breakfast. “And the lady?”

“I will have the first special, the salad with steak.” I said and shut my menu before reaching for Nicks, but he grabbed mine and handed them over.

“Thank you.” The waiter said and took them both after he finished inputting our orders and I gulped hard when he left. I looked down, grabbed my new glass, licked the salt and then took a hard gulp before setting it back down.

We talked about some of my stories, he asked about the kids and how I would react to them more than anything else, and he found it hilarious that I did great with kids.

When we ate, we were making comments here and there but mostly focused on food. I stuffed my face and was still done after him. We got to the front and I shoved him out of the way and entered my card into the slot to pay and he tucked his head into my neck, his hand going to my stomach and he watched as I paid before turning around with me.

He kept me in front of him and as we got closer to his tuck he hit the unlock button and opened my door. He lifted me a bit before I looked back at him. “I could have paid.”

“So, could I, which is why I did.” I told him, and he looked over my face before swooping in and giving me a hard kiss. His hands stayed on my waist, but my hands went to his shoulders before going up to cup the back of his head and when my fingers joined together I linked them around his neck and kept him right where I wanted him.

He pulled back after a few moments and I licked over my lips as they started to get cold all over again and he looked over my face. I noticed a worried look cross over him and I tilted my head. “Time to get a tree.” He told me, and I just smiled and moved to put my legs into the truck before he closed my door for me.

I buckled up and I saw him working his jaw a bit before he got in and started it up. We waited to turn on the heater as he started to drive. But while I kept looking to side, looking for some kind of sign of where we were going, I saw nothing but snow and trees and the occasional car.

I stayed quiet, even pulled out my phone to use the GPS to see where we were going but there was no WIFI. I just turned my whole body and faced him, and I saw his smile trying to break through his serious exterior.

“Tell me.” I ordered, and he just continued to be stoic. “Nick.” I warned, and he sent me a quick glance before looking back to the road.

“Yes sugar?” He asked me, and I smiled at the old nick name.

“Where the hell are you taking me?” I asked him, and he laughed lightly before looking ahead a bit and then he nodded towards it. “Oh, don’t tell me you brought me to the cabin in the woods to kill me.” I said as he turned onto a dirt road that was most likely a driveway.

“You’ll see.” He said and turned his lights on high before he reached over to grab my hand. “This is something I haven’t done in three years. I don’t really celebrate Christmas.” He told me, and I knew that was odd.

“You love Christmas.” I said, and he just sighed before looking over at me, and then back to the road.

“Not when I was up here all alone. I got fed up with decorating, and not being around family. So, I didn’t really celebrate it for about 6 years.” He told me, and I looked away and he squeezed my hand. “But now that I have you again I can look forward to every holiday being over done.” He said with a small laugh and I rolled my eyes.

“I do not over do the holidays.” I told him and crossed my arms and he just laughed lightly.

“Yes, you do, so does Maggie. She told me that she thinks it’s because you both over compensate for what you didn’t get as kids.” Nick said it softly, but it hit home.

“Maybe.” I whispered, and he reached over again and took my hand, bringing it up and giving it a kiss. “What are we doing here?” I asked as he got to a well-lit house and he parked.

“You’ll see.” He told me, and I just smiled at him before he got out and I pushed myself down to the snowy ground. “Wait here.” He told me and jogged towards the front of the house. He knocked, and I saw a guy walk out and they shook hands and they were talking before the guy nodded and laughed before looking my way.

He said something before heading inside and then coming back out with an axe. He handed it to Nick and I gulped before watching him explain something while pointing just around the house.

Nick walked back to me, held his hand out and I gulped as I took it and started to walk with him. “Are you going to explain now, or shall I run into the cold air trying to escape?”

“Ha-ha, that is my teammate, Ross, he owns the tree farm out here. On the side anyway. He gets a couple trees a year, keeps them to create the huge ones for his other place, and some of the other guys who have huge houses. But he is letting us cut one down right now.” He said and gestured to the axe on his arm.

“Yeah?” I asked, and I felt the wave of happiness wash over me so powerful I knew my eyes were watering and I felt a lump in my throat.

“Yeah… now, go and choose one.” He touched the small of my back and I saw the lines of trees and I skidded around some, looking for one that was full and just tall enough.

“This one.” I whispered as he walked up behind me. I looked over the perfect Douglas Fir and I looked back to Nick.

“Always has to be perfect.” He muttered, and I just nodded, and he raised the axe a bit and nodded when I started to back off a bit. He swung over and over until he hit the middle and then we walked around the other side and started to swing.

I smiled even wider when it tipped over and he threw it down. I went towards him and gave him a hug and he just wrapped his arms around me.

“That took way longer than I thought.” He whispered into my hair and I just smiled as I backed away and reached up to give him another kiss.

We broke apart all too soon since he was still out of breath and he leaned down to not only get the tree but the axe, but I grabbed that from him and held it like he would his hockey stick all the way back to the house and to his truck.

His friend, Ross, came out with a chain saw and handed it over with a small smile as he made the end flat and then also getting the few bottom strands off so there would be room under it for presents.

“It’s was good to meet you Sofie.” Ross waved as he backed away.

“Sofia.” Nick called out and I turned to him and slapped his chest.

“Either is fine.” I told Ross and just nodded towards him before looking to Nick before giving him a look. “I am fine with either, why do you keep correcting people?” I asked remembering that he had told Mitch and Lola about how my name was Sofia, and not Sofie.

“Because I love your name. Always have.” He winked, and I rolled my eyes this time before going towards the other side of the truck to get inside as he started to tie the tree down.

I had turned the engine on, so the heater was blasting when we were ready to go. I warmed up and when he turned on the music and the XMAS playlist was going through the entire car I was rocking and having a good time and Nick couldn’t stop laughing and watching me.

“Are you ready?” I asked as I jumped up and down when we got back to my home.

“I think so, are you?”

“I am so ready.” I said and moved to get into the back of the truck. I helped untie it, grabbed the top of the tree while he grabbed the end and we walked up the stairs, into my home, and I ran upstairs, looking for my boxes in the third guest bedroom and I saw the XM label and grabbed it. I pushed it down the stairs, grabbed the tree holder out and handed it over to Nick and saw him stuffing his face with a sugar cookie.

“Are you going to make more?” He asked after he started to make the tree straight and I smiled before nodding. “Can I have a batch?”

“If you help me decorate and set everything up I will make you cookies whenever you want.”

“How about coming to the game tomorrow?” He asked me, and I gulped and looked to him.

“I might have to cancel and appointment, but I am sure it can be rescheduled.” I told him, and he smiled at me before getting up.

“You know I have always loved you right?” He asked me, and I just nodded, and he waited with a small narrowed eyed look.

“It’s hard to love someone else when they never accept you. And you are the only man who has ever seen everything.” I said, and he leaned down and gave me a deep kiss.

“Can you just say it?” He asked when he pulled back and I gave a short laugh.

“I love you Nick.” I told him, and he made me squeal as he picked me up and made our lips connect once again.

“Now, time to make this place look like Santa threw up in here.” He announced, and I giggled at his exaggeration. It wouldn’t be that bad. I grabbed the lights and made sure that they all still worked and then unrolled them.

When he got up from screwing the tree in, he helped me roll the lights on, they were all white and I went towards the box and grabbed the red and gold ornaments and eh helped me make the tree look pretty.

When he was putting the last one on I turned and grabbed the train I took from my home in San Jose and moved to find the perfect place.

“Want me to put the skirt on?” He asked over his shoulder and I nodded to him as he grabbed the ‘We Wish You a Merry Christmas’ cloth. I moved to get the other things like the Santa and Mrs. Clause out to put on the skirt.

Before I could find out where music started to play Nick walked up behind me and pulled me into his arms. “Are you really going to dance with me?” I asked turning into his arms and he just gave me a great big smile.

“I’ve missed out on enough of the Christmas music and dancing, I don’t want to miss out on more.” He told me, and I just leaned into his chest as oldies rang through. It was something he saw me and my dad doing when he spent Christmas with us. He thought it was adorable, and we had even talked about him dancing with our possible daughter one day.

I was just getting ready to sit down when our song came on. I froze as the saxophone sounded and I pulled back to look at him.

“You have this on your phone?” I asked, and he just nodded like it was obvious.

“I’ll be seeing you in all the familiar places.” He sang with the song and I smiled at him. He put his hand on the back of my neck and made me dance with him one last time.

I didn’t know how late it was getting. But his alarm went off and he cursed before kissing the crown of my head. “I have to go. Early practice means an early night.” He told me, and I just nodded to him and he leaned down to kiss me on the lips again. It felt like the years we spent away from each other was melting away with each wonderful kiss.

“Call me in the morning, we can work out times and see if I can make the entire game.” I told him, and he nodded to me and I smiled and walked him to the door.

“I love you… and I can’t wait to talk more tomorrow. We will stay in tomorrow and catch more up on me.” He laughed, and I just smiled and nodded.

“I love you Nicky.” I said, and he rolled his eyes at the name before he leaned in and gave me another peck. “Get a good rest, I want to watch you win tomorrow.”