Crashing into Love

Chapter Nineteen

After two years and three months.

I was drinking scotch while staring at the huge portrait on my house's wall when Ia suddenly barged inside and fixed me with an angry stare. I gave her a bored look. Malamang ay alam niya na ang nangyari kay Carla kaya ganyan ang itsura niya. Halos umusok na naman sa galit ang ilong niya. Some things never change.

"What the hell, Drei!" Gigil na sigaw niya sakin but I just gave her a cold stare. "Don't what the hell me, Arianna Loui. Mas matanda parin ako sayo baka nakakalimutan mo." I drank the liquor on my glass and sat cross-legged on my messy couch.

Inagaw niya sakin ang baso ng alak at ibinato sa kung saang lupalop ng bahay pero katulad niya ay wala rin akong paki. I heard the glass shatter but my expression did not change.

"Ano tong nalaman ko, Drei? Bakit pinipilit mo raw magresign ang sekretarya mo?! Ano na naman bang problema?! Pang sampung sekretarya mo na siya! Nasisira ang kompanya ni Papa ng dahil sa ginagawa mong pagtrato sa mga empleyado. Tapos kanina muntik mo na daw siyang tapunan ng kape kanina dahil lang mali ang timpla niya!"

Ni hindi ako nagtaas ng tingin sa kanya, nagrecline ako sa couch at pumikit. Hinilot hilot ko ang sentido ko. Sumasakit na naman ito, marahil dala ng sobrang kalasingan. I'm always drunk. I knew how pathetic my life has become, I never would've envisioned the kind of life that I'm living now.

"Well, ano bang gusto mo Ia? Empleyado sila, sila ang matutong makibagay. Kung ayaw nila sa ugali ko wala na akong magagawa doon. It's their problem. And besides, sineswelduhan sila." Maikli kong sagot habang nakapikit parin.

"Naririnig mo pa ba ang sarili mo ngayon ha? Alam mo pa ba yang mga sinasabi mo?" Sumbat niya. I gave her a cold glance before standing up. I am in no mood to listen to her lectures. I am the older brother but she claims to be more mature, which I strongly vetoed.

"Drei." Her voice and features softened when she called me. "Just leave, Ia. I wanna be alone right now." I requested. I heard a sharp release of breath and then she spoke. "Hanggang kelan ka ganito? Hanggang kelan, ha Drei?"

I felt my anger rise and then frustration came next. Lastly, there was pain. But I pushed it deep down and tried to calm myself. When I was sure that I could compose complete sentences again, I spoke. "Hindi ko rin alam."

***

"Putang ina! Sinabi kong ayaw na kitang makita diba? Bakit nandito ka pa?!" Inis na sigaw ko ng makita ko si Carla sa opisina ko. She was making me coffee. Napapitlag siya sa gulat at nagyuko habang nanginginig.

"S-sir. Ayaw po k-kasi ako ipatanggal ni Maam Ianna at—"

"I'm your boss and not Ia. Ako ang masusunod. Leave." I said coldly. She raised her head and suddenly, tears fell. But my heart was like a hardened stone, I couldn't feel any pity.

"Sir kailangan ko pong magtrabaho para sa kapatid ko, g-gusto ko po siyang makapagtapos.." Nakikiusap na ang tinging ibinibigay niya sakin pero wala parin akong paki. "Well, it's not my problem anymore Ms. Santiago." Her surname tasted like lead on my mouth. Ang totoo, okay naman si Carla.

She is hardworking and patient. She is a responsible secretary all in all. There is nothing wrong with her other than the fact that her surname was also Santiago. Una palang ng malaman kong ganon ang surname ng inihire na bagong sekretarya ni Ia ay hindi na ko pumabor. Pero ipinilit niya parin, kung hindi niya yon ginawa edi sana tahimik ang buhay ng Carla na to.

I also had her investigated to find out whether she is related to her. Pero hindi. Magkaapelido lang sila pero hindi sila related. I don't know if I should be pleased or not.

"S-sir, please have mercy." Humagulgol na si Carla bago lumuhod sa harap ko. I threw her a distasteful look before speaking. "Wag kang lumuhod, Ms. Santiago. Walang magagawa yan. Pinabababa mo lang ang sarili mo. Gusto ko bukas wala ka na rito." After I said those harsh words, I turned and left.

Ng naglalakad ako papunta sa elevator ay nakita kong pinagtitinginan ako ng mga empleyado. Nagdilim ang paningin ko. "Hindi kayo pinasesweldo para tumunganga! Back to work!" At para akong diyos na sinunod nila. The entire hallway became silent and all of them went back to their cubicle. I kept a straight face as I rode the elevator.

I closed my eyes as I once again felt the emptiness I've been living with for more than two years now. May kulang sa buhay ko at alam ko kung ano yun but I did not bother to look for it. Para saan pa? Para masaktan na naman? Tumunog ang elevator at palabas na sana ako ng pumasok ang papa. He looked grim and his expression told me not to ask.

"You're not going anywhere, Raven! Mag-uusap tayo sa opisina ko." Kalmado ngunit may diin niyang sambit. I just gave him a forced nod. May mga papasok pa sana sa elevayor but upon seeing the big bosses inside, they decided to take the other one at the far corner of the lobby. I can feel the tension between my father and I.

When the elevator pinged again, we went out and entered his office. The moment the door closed, he gave me a hard punch which made me collapse on the floor. Napahiga ako sa sahig dahil sa sobrang lakas nito at naramdaman ko nalang ang pag-agos ng dugo sa ilong ko. I wasn't prepared for the blow. I looked up and saw how fuming my father was.

I've never seen him this angry before. "Tumayo ka dyan, gago!" His voice reverberated all over the room and I stood up. Ng makatayo ako ay inundayan niya na naman ako ng malakas na suntok sa mukha. Bumagsak na naman ako sa sahig. Damn it. I can feel the physical pain his punches are giving me. "Tayo!" He shouted angrily. Tumayo ako at hinarap siya.

"Are you done, father?" Tanong kong may halong sarkasmo. I have always adored my father. He was the man I looked up to, and never in my entire existence did he lay a finger on me, until now. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined the great Sebastian Dominguez punching the lights out of his only son.

"I thought I raised you well. Tapos malalaman ko na kung sino sino na pala ang minamata at inaalipusta mo dito sa kompanya? You knew how I treated my employees, hindi sila iba sakin. But you! Kung makaasta ka akala mo binili mo ang buong mundo! Ang dami ng nagrereklamo sayo! Kesyo incompetent ka, mainitin ang ulo mo, iresponsable. Pero dahil anak kita hinayaan kita! Katwiran ko kasi may pinagdadaanan ka lang eh.." he was shaking because of rage.

Napapikit ako ng mariin. "Stop! I don't want to have this conversation with you or with anyone else!" Nanginginig narin sa galit na pagputol ko sa mga sinasabi niya. Tinitigan niya ako ng puno ng galit sa mga mata. "At ano? Habang buhay kang ganyan ha?"

I did not answer. "Answer me!" He grumbled.

"Oo!" Sigaw ko rin. I met his stare and I did not back down. "Oo habang buhay kong dadalhin itong sakit sa loob ko! Don't you dare tell me that you understand because you don't! Nobody does! Ako lang ang nakakaalam ng nararamdaman ko!"

"That will never be a good enough reason for being heartless! Hindi sapat na rason yan para magbago ka! Habang lumilipas ang mga taon lalo kang lumalala!"

I let out a sarcastic laugh when he said that. "You wanna have this conversation, Dad?! Fine! Naging ganito ako kasi sobrang sakit! Naging ganito ako kasi hindi ko alam kung saan ako nagkulang! I became like this because the mere sight of other people smiling and laughing kills me. You don't know how painful it is for me to see other people happy because I know that I will never again experience happiness!" Dumagundong ang dibdib ko. I wanted to cry right now, I wanted to break down and break things but I controlled myself.

"Pwede ka pang sumaya. Ikaw ang pumipigil sa sarili mong maging masaya uli. Ginago mo lang ang sari mo, Raven. What you're doing to yourself is syupidity. Nangyari na, pag umakto ka bang ganyan magbabago pa yon?! Hindi na!" Balik niya. The man standing in front of me now is not my father anymore, he was just some unreasonable old guy in a business suit.

"HOW DARE YOU!" I shouted with so much anger and frustration. Gusto ko siyang kwelyuhan pero nirerespeto ko siya.

"You want the truth then I'll give it to you. I make people's lives miserable because it gives me satisfaction. It makes me feel better to know that I was able to hurt their feelings. Natutuwa ako kasi hindi lang ako yung nasasaktan, hindi lang ako yung miserable. I want them to feel the misery I experience every waking day of my life. Kasi tang ina, Dad. Hindi ko na yata kayang makita na ang buong mundo umiikot, lahat ng tao umuusad habang ako mag-isa at malungkot." I said with bitterness.

I am a man. I wasn't supposed to experience pain like this but I am. I was supposed to be strong but right now all I wanna think of is suicide.

Yes, suicide is slowly becoming an option. My life is empty and hollow and I just wanna escape the feelings that haunts me at night. I just want to give up on life.

"Ikaw lang ang makakatulong sa sarili mo, Raven. Time will heal you just like what it does to all wounds. Time heals, anak. Remember that. Panahon na para kalimutan mo yung sakit. It's time to accept things and start anew." His voice became calmer but it only worsened my anger.

Tinabig ko yung table at tumumba ito. I can't help it! I was so damn angry! Kung makapagsalita siya ay akala mo ba ang dali daling lumimot! Akala ba niya ganon kadaling tanggapin ang lahat?! He talks as if everything that happened in my life was easy!

"Do not say that because you don't understand anything!"

Nakabawi rin agad sa gulat si Papa. He straightened and looked at me with those deep unsettling eyes. "I do understand you. I completely understand your pain because you are my son."

Kinuyom ko ang mga kamao ko. All this talk makes me remember the heartaches she has given me.

Umiling ako kay Papa. "Kahit kelan hindi mo maiintindihan kasi hindi naman ikaw ang nawalan.."

He opened his mouth to say something pero inunahan ko na siya. "Hindi mo maiintindihan kasi hindi naman ikaw ang iniwanan ng asawa, Dad. Ako. Ako yung iniwan."