Crashing into Love

Chapter Twenty

"Do you really love her?" Dad asked when I informed him that I would be having a rushed marriage. I smiled over the phone as I stared at her lovingly.

"Yeah. More than my own life." I answered without hesitation. She shifted in my bed and I can't help but feel extremely happy at the sight of her sleeping beside me after a night filled with love. Yes. We did it last night and it felt like the most wonderful night in my entire life.

I felt reborn. I felt complete. She slowly opened her eyes and I mouthed the word 'dad' as I motioned to the phone near my ear. She nodded and yawned after mouthing i love you.

"Son, I'm happy for you. I'm looking forward to meeting the lucky girl. Finally! Sana naman hindi na umatras ang bride-to-be mo ha." He jested. I knew that he was pertaining to Cassidy. I laughed and shook my head.

"No, Pa. This is different. She is the real deal. She's my tangina-nakakabading-pala-talaga kind of love."

Papa laughed too. "You have my blessing, Raven. Love her the way I loved your mom."

I smiled at her who was now pouting at me. "I will, Pa. I promise."

-

"Raven, sweetheart. Nasa iba na naman lumilipad ang utak mo." Gayle said as her fingers toyed with the hem of my shirt. I am in the bar right now, drinking as usual. I've just met Gayle a few seconds ago, she really annoys me. She wouldn't leave me alone and I just want time for my f*****g self right now!

"Leave." I commanded but she just gave me a bawdy giggle before caressing my chest. I swatted her arm away but she was damn persistent. I must admit that I'm having a boner because of what she's doing. But I don't wanna do it with Gayle. MagkaSTD pa ako, mahirap na.

I've bedded women of all ages for the past year. s*x drowns my system with waves of pleasure that I can't quite get enough of. It's the only thing that's keeping me sane until now. I don't know what to do with this wretched life anymore. I drank the liquor on my glass in one gulp and then the next moment is that I was kissing Gayle and she was responding.

I hate the taste of her lips. I never liked girls who smoke and her lips tasted like cigars so I ended it quickly and stood up. She caught my arm and gave me a pleading look. "H-hey, don't leave me hanging."

I laughed sarcastically. Ang baba talaga niya. She was a slut and I don't screw sluts. Her eyes scream with need. She wanted me to f**k her until her eyes roll off. May taste parin naman ako kahit papano. Naglabas ako ng pera sa wallet ko at itinapon sa mukha niya. She looked shocked but she picked it up and pocketed it immediately.

"Go f**k my money. I hope it multiplies." I insulted her and walked out of the bar. I rode my Shelby GT500 and I sped into the night.

Ganon lang ang mga babae. Dapat hanggang doon lang sila. You should not give them the chance to ruin your being. Para silang bacon. Masarap pero unti unti kang pinapatay. Kaya simula ng araw na iyon ay nangako ako sa sarili kong hindi na ako magpapaloko.

Ng makarating ako sa tinutuluyan kong condo ay nagcold shower ako. I wanted to clear my mind. After I showered, I wore my robe and made myself coffee. Dumeretso ako sa veranda at tumanaw lang sa kawalan. Unti unti ay naramdaman ko nalang ang pagbagsak ng mga luha ko at ang pagkirot ng dibdib ko. For two years ganito palagi. There are some days when I'm almost okay. Some days I'm not so lucky. Dahil may mga araw na bigla ko nalang siyang maaalala at mararamdaman ko na naman ang sakit.

She was my f*****g downfall. She was the meaning of the world for me. Inilapag ko ang kape sa pasamano at sinapo ang sarili kong mukha. I felt the tears flowing.

"Putang ina." Napamura ako. I couldn't stop the pain which is stabbing me over and over again. Marahas kong pinahid ang mga luha ko at pumasok sa loob. Staring back at me is a huge framed picture of me. It was her drawing of me. Pero sa sobrang hinanakit ko noon ay binura ko ang mga labi ko sa guhit na yon.

I erased it because I was smiling in the drawing. And I could no longer smile after she left me. How could I smile when the reason behind my happiness is not with me anymore? How?

I had no f*****g idea.

"Raven Andrei, look!" She gave me a rolled cartolina. I smiled at her and took it. When I opened it, my mouth fell open.

"You really do have talent! God, this is amazing! Thanks, twisted creature!"

On the cartolina was a drawing. A drawing of me while I was smiling sincerely. I hugged her and showered her face with kisses. She was giggling and pushing me away. I was grinning when I let go.

"I love you." I said with a vibrant smile plastered on my face.

"I love you back." She replied. And that's when I knew that I had married the most wonderful woman in the world.

The next day, I went to work feeling a bit uncomfortable. I don't know why but I woke up with this unsettling feeling inside of me. Like something was about to happen but I don't know what. I tried to shrug it off but it just wouldn't stop bugging me. When I entered my office, I was pleased to see that Carla isn't here anymore.

I don't need another Santiago in my life. Once is enough, twice is overkill. I sat on my swivel chair and started working. It's gonna be a busy day for me today. I heard a knock on my office door and I wasn't even surprised when Ia entered.

"K-kuya." She stammered when she called me. I removed my eyeglasses and set it down on the table. I am in no mood to talk to anyone right now but she's my sister so I guess I'f have to put up with her even if it means that I don't want to.

"What do you need, Arianna Loui?"

"I just wanna greet you a happy-"

I cut her off. "Stop. Stop, Ia. f*****g stop with the f*****g greeting. Do I look like I'm happy to you?" Inis na tanong ko. Sana pala hindi nalang ako pumasok sa trabaho ngayon. I should've known that Ia will say this.

"But, Raven! Last year hindi mo rin sinelebra ang birthday mo! Don't tell me pati ngayong taon magtatrabaho ka rin sa araw ng kapanganakan mo!" She yelled. I gave her a cold look.

"So? Does that even matter? It's my life so I can do whatever the hell I wanna do with it. You don't have a say in anything I do." Matigas kong sagot. Alam kong hindi siya papatalo ng ganon ganon nalang kaya kailangan kong magmatigas. I'm not gonna have a celebration and that is final.

"Ano ba! Just this once naman makicooperate ka! C'mon Kuya. Drop the coldness towards everyone around you. Try to be happy, kahit ngayong birthday mo lang. I swear after this hindi na kita kukulitin. I just want my brother back, please."

"No. Please just leave my office, nakakaistorbo ka na sa pagtatrabaho ko." I answered back. She gave me a look of disbelief but I do not care.

"But-"

"Leave." Malamig kong tugon. Mukhang hindi parin siya makapaniwala pero bumagsak na ang balikat niya at nagsimula na siyang maglakad papunta sa pinto. "Happy Birthday, Raven." She said sadly.

I spoke in a voice devoid of any emotion. "Omit the happy, Ia. Everyone knows how empty I am inside but they wouldn't understand the feeling."

She didn't say anything back, she just sighed and exited my office. Napailing na lang ako bago ko ipinagpatuloy ang pagtatrabaho. Mag-aalasingko na ng matapos ako sa ginagawa ko. I decided to come home early. Nagsasawa na ako sa mga tingin ng mga empleyado ko na puno ng awa.

I don't want their pity. I don't want anybody's pity. I'm perfectly fine. Niligpit ko na ang mga gamit ko at palabas na sana ako ng pumasok ang papa. He watched me while I cleared my table. Maya maya ay tumikhim siya. "It's your birthday, hijo."

I just shrugged. "Yeah, thanks for remembering, Pa. But I gotta go." Pag-iwas ko. He was wearing a corporate attire while his hands were in his pockets. He looked at me. "Let's have a family dinner." He suggested but I shook my head.

"Don't bother, I'm going home." Sagot ko sa kanya.

"But it's your-"

"It's my birthday, I know. I heard that from Ia for like the umpteenth time already. Pa, I'm tired and I just want to take a rest." After saying that, I patted his shoulder and walked out. Napahinga ako ng marahas. Nakita ko ang mga employees na nag-aalangang kung babati. I smiled coldly. "Wag na kayong magsayang ng laway pa."

I rode the elevator and went to the parking lot. I saw my Shelby and went inside. I drove to who knows where. Hindi ko na alam kung nasaan ako. Hindi na pamilyar sa akin ang daang tinatahak ko ngayom but I continued driving. I just wanted to get away. I stopped by a coffee shop. Bumaba ako ng kotse at pumasok sa malaking cafè.

Umupo ako sa kasuluksulukan bago tinignan ang menu nila. This coffee shop is a bit crowded pero okay lang. Wala naman akong paki sa mundo eh. I heard the door chimes ringing kaya napalingon ako sa may pinto. Halos mahigit ko ang hininga ko sa nakita ko. Halos takasan ng kulay ang mukha ko at halos mabingi ako sa lakas ng t***k ng puso ko.

Of all places, dito lang pala magkukrus ang landas namin.

Claire Faith, I thought bitterly and painfully.

And in that moment, I swear that I felt a million feelings surging in my traitorous heart. I felt the pain, the longing, the anger and other feelings I couldn't quite name. Here she is, in the same congested space I'm in. She was smiling to her friend who was now grinning widely at her. The girl she's with pointed to the farthest side of the place. They sat there and talked while I watched them. They were oblivious of my presence.

I felt bitter. Really bitter. She was smiling. She was f*****g smiling! Samatalang ako ay parang pinagbagsakan ng langit at lupa ng iwan niya. I waited. I f*****g waited for her. But eventually, I grew tired. And I grew cold and distant.

What kind of woman leaves her husband without any goodbyes?

What kind of woman could stomach being away from her husband for more than two years?

What kind of woman could just easily drop the man that she tricked into believing that she loved?

Just her. Just Claire Faith Santiago. Her name sent pricks on my heart. Just Claire Faith Santiago-Dominguez. Kasal nga pala kami. She is my wife. But she chose to leave. And she chose to break me. She was a heartless deceiver.

Hindi ko namamalayang nalukot ko na pala ang menung inabot sakin. To say that I was angry is such an understatement. Galit na galit ako. Gusto ko siyang lapitan at kaladkarin sa kotse ko. I want her to explain. I want her to tell me that leaving me was the greatest mistake she's ever done. I want her to tell me that she missed me. And lastly, I want her to tell me that she still loved me. But I guess what I really want is the truth. I want the truth but I'm scared of hearing it.

I wanted to cry right now because of overflowing emotions. But I held my ground.

Iniwan niya ako. Kailangang tandaan ko yun. It was her decision to leave me and she doesn't look like she's regretting it. I stood up from my seat and looked at her. Hindi parin niya ako nakikita. She was busy talking to her friend. She looked happy, she looked okay, she seemed like the exact opposite of me.

And I know that I have to do this. Kailangan ko tong gawin para matapos na ang kabaliwan ko. I knew that this was the right thing to do right now. I stared at her and smiled sarcastically. I could sense the hollowness of my own being.

Alam kong ang gagawin ko ang makakabuti para sakin. So, I did it. I did the exact opposite thing a male protagonist will normally do in stories. I walked out and walked away.

I walked out of the shop.

And walked away from her.

I rode my car and drove fast.

I just walked away from the woman I had been searching for. I walked away from the woman that I considered my greatest love. I walked away from her. I walked away from Claire Faith, my wife.

And while I was driving, isa lang ang naiisip ko. Sana hindi ko na siya uli makita pa.

Yes, I missed her. But that doesn't mean that I want her back.

***other half is available on the hardcopy of Crashing into Love***