Crashing into Love

Chapter Thirteen

Someone once told me that my weakness is vulnerability. And as I sat alone in the sand right now, I finally realized that it was my waterloo, indeeed. Naisip ko si Raven, naisip ko kung pano niya ko napapatawa at napapangiti, kung paano niya ko pinapasaya, kung pano niya pinadadamang mahalaga ako sa mundo.

I've been feeling worthless for a long time now but he came. He came and made me feel that I was needed, loved, and cared for. He showed me things I didn't want to see. He made me feel things I forbade myself to feel. And it scares me. It really scares me but I know that I can't do anything about it. It's killing me and reviving me. Over and over and over again.

Napabuntong hininga ako. I wish I had more time. But time, according to Dan Brown, is one commodity even vast fortunes could not afford. And I knew that. I knew that very well. Time cannot be bent. Time cannot be tampered with. Time, just like life and love, is such a cruel thing that we can't control.

Napahimas ako sa braso ko at napatingin sa pasa na nandito. I got it an hour ago when I bumped into a furniture. Bigla nalang kasing sumakit ang ulo ko tapos napakapit ako sa upuan. The chair wobbled and I ended up crashing into the edge of the square narra table.

I heaved a sigh before hugging my legs. Watching other people is becoming one of my hobbies lately. Natutuwa akong nakikitang masaya ang ibang tao, pero at the same time naiinggit ako. I envy them. Sa dami kasi ng tao sa mundo bakit ako pa yung may ganito. I've always believed that life is unfair. But now I realized that it's not. Life is fair because it's unfair to everyone.

"Claire Faith.." A voice called from behind. I shut my eyes close as I savored his presence.

Raven. My chest rose and fell at the thought of his name. I felt the sudden compulsion of hugging him but I stopped myself. Gusto kong umiyak at aminin nalang sa kanya ang kalagayan ko. Gusto ko ring magalit sa sarili ko dahil pumasok pa ako sa buhay niya. Naalala ko ang sinabi sakin ng doctor dati.

Kapag daw lumalala na ang brain tumor mas nagiging moody daw ang pasyente. I almost wanted to cry. My brain tumor is getting worse, and here I am. Imbis na nagpapagamot ako, andito ako sa Laguna at nagtatago. Nagpapakaduwag. Pero masisi niyo ba ako kung ang gusto ko lang ay maiwasang saktan ang mga taong mahal ko?

"Claire, kahapon mo pa ako hindi pinapansin. Simula nung tawagan kita ganyan ka na. Nangako ka sakin na hindi mo na ako iiwasan, ano na naman to?" Raven said gently before sitting beside me. He draped an arm on my shoulder. "Claire, say something. Please. Your silence is killing me." He begged.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked.

"Doing what?" He replied with an almost muted voice.

"You know what I'm talking about, Raven."

"Ito na naman ba tayo sa bawal ka mahalin Claire? Are we seriously going to rehash this again?"

I didn't answer. Because he was right. Dun na naman sa bawal ako mahalin babagsak ang usapan. Naguguluhan na naman ako. Kinakain na naman ako ng takot. I wish I could be free of this fear, but I can't. Because fear buried itself in my bones and it lived on my veins and slept on my heart.

"I want to be able to take care of you, look after you, I want to be there for you every day. I want to see the shattered parts of you that you don't allow other people to see. I want to discover the lost side of you that you keep hidden. I want your life unraveled before me. I want to knock on your heart and I want you to open it for me. I want to know you, understand you. I want to invade your being, Claire Faith." He muttered softly. Akmang tatayo ako ngunit pinigilan niya ako. Hinatak niya ako pabalik.

"You've reached an impasse yet again, Claire." Masuyo niyang bulong. Malambing ang boses niya pero walang bakas ng ekspresyon ang mukha niya. He looked at me as if he wanted to see the disoriented soul that hides inside me.

"We can't be just friends." Madiing sabi niya. I shook my head. "We can, Raven. Gusto kong maging magkaibigan lang tayo. I don't want us to be anything less or anything more."

Pagak siyang tumawa bago malamig akong tinignan. "Oh no, Claire. I won't let you put me in the f*****g friendzone." His words pierced through my heart. And my heart. Oh god, it's breaking. And the broken pieces are jumping and beating simultaneously. And it's making me weak.

"Nababaliw ka na siguro. Maybe you just miss Cassidy kaya ganyan ka." Nakayukong sambit ko. Nakaramdam ako ng maraming kurot sa puso ko ng marinig ko ang pangalan ni Cassidy. Ayokong maramdaman ang ganito pero naiinis ako sa Cassidy na yon.

Anong karapatan niyang lokohin si Raven? Anong karapatan niyang saktan si Raven? Anong karapatan niyang sirain ang puso ng lalaking sobrang mahalaga sakin?

"Cassidy? Anong sinasabi mo Claire?! Pano napunta si Cassidy dito? Wag mo siyang isali dito kasi wala siyang kinalaman. I don't care about her anymore, she's getting married for pete's sake. She's happy now and I want to be happy too." Medyo kumalma siya ng sabihin niya yon. Hindi ko parin tinataas ang ulo ko. I don't wanna stare at his eyes because I'm afraid that once I do, I will once again be sucked in a world only I know existed.

"You want to be happy? Then chase her. Chase your happiness, Raven. Pigilan mo yung kasal niya kung yun ang makakapagpasaya sayo." Madamdamin kong sagot. Only I knew what I was really feeling inside. I am grieving for the feelings that I can't properly express. I'm grieving for someone I will soon lose.

"Stop it. Please just stop it. Hindi ko pipigilan ang kasal niya. They deserve each other and I deserve someone else."

His grip on me loosened and I risked omce glance at him. He was still looking at me. Frustration and desperation were welling up inside him that I can see it dripping from his features.

"Alam mo ba kung anong sinabi sakin ni Cassidy nung pakawalan ko siya?" He queried but I gave no response. He let out a hollow laugh. "I can still remember her words up to now."

He took my hand and tightened his hold as if he was afraid I would be taken away from him.

"She said that someday a girl will come to my life. And she'll sweep me off my feet and make me feel loved. She told me that when that day comes I'll be happy too. The funny thing was that I didn't believe her. I was convinced that my love for her won't subside. I was convinced that I'll be miserable forever. But I was wrong. I was completely wrong."

Tinaas niya ang baba ko para magpantay ang tingin namin. My feelings are intensifying and I hate that I can't do anything to stop it.

"I was so wrong, Claire Faith. Because when a twisted creature walked in my life, I suddenly forgot about the pain Cassidy made me feel. And one day as I was searching inside my heart for any bitterness, I felt none. It was as if the pain wasn't even there before. All that's left in my heart for Cassidy are memories. No love, no hate, no bitterness. Just memories. I took time to contemplate about things and one day I just woke up thinking how happy I was that I set Cassidy free."

"R-raven, stop-" Nanginginig na ang boses ko pero umiling siya at parang tangang napangiti. He cupped my face.

"And I owe everything to the twisted creature who stayed with me. This twisted creature made me see life in another light, she made me feel so alive and even when she's not aware of it, she made me feel loved. I could taste different colors when I'm with her. She makes me feel insane and that's the craziest feeling I've ever felt. She keeps on pushing me away but God knows I still want her."

Umiiyak na ako sa mga pinagsasabi niya. Gustong sumabog ng puso ko. Gusto kong sabihin na masyado pang maaga para sabihin niya sakin ang mga yan pero pano ko yun gagawin kung pareho kami ng nararamdaman? Pano ko yun gagawin kung unti unti na akong nalulunod sa kanya? Pano ko sasabihing masyadong mabilis ang lahat kung ako din nababaliw na sa kanya?

Pinunasan niya ng marahan ang mga luha ko pero patuloy lang ito sa pagbagsak. I hit his chest. Hindi man lang siya umilag. He took it all in. Para bang ang mahalaga lang sa kanya ay mapunasan ang mga luha kong siya ang dahilan.

"This is not about Cassidy and me. It's about me chasing my happiness. It's about me chasing Claire Faith Santiago. It's about me chasing you."

He hugged me and I cried on his shoulders while I hugged him back. Right now, my judgement is once again clouded. Ginulo na naman ni Raven ang utak ko. And now, it seems like I don't give a damn anymore that I have a brain tumor. I don't give a damn if I'm dying. What matters is this moment, this moment with Raven this close to me. With Raven hugging me, with him confessing.

I wanted to be hopeful. I wanted more time. I wanted to live. I wanted Raven. I wanted to be able to tell him what I really feel.

"Claire Faith?"

"Yes?" I replied in a shaky tone.

"I'm crashing into love once again."