Crashing into Love

Chapter Twelve

Tanghali na pero hindi parin ako bumabangon. Inaalala ko parin yung usapan namin ni Cesca kagabi. After I admitted that I was dying, she became speechless and hastily left.

Napabuntong hininga akong muli habang nakatingin sa ceiling. My last day in Manila flashed before my eyes.

Nakatayo ako nun sa labas ng ospital. The family doctor confirmed my suspicion. I'm sick. I have brain tumor and the chance of survival was fifty-fifty. I needed to undergo an operation, hopefully it could save my life. Hopefully. Even the best doctor in town can not guarantee my survival.

I was scared, to be honest. I was frightened, terrified even. Pano na sila Ate? Yung mga kaibigan ko? Paano ko to sasabihin sa kanila? They would be crushed by the news.

And so I wandered on the streets of Ortigas alone. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. Paulit ulit lang na bumabalik sa utak ko yung mga katagang sinambit ng doktor. I was lost and confused and I found myself crying over it.

Iniisip ko palang na iiyak si Ate kapag nalaman ang kondisyon ko ay lalo na akong nasasaktan. Pano pa kaya kapag nawitness ko pa diba? And God, how will Ciara react if she finds out about this? We've been bestfriends since we were kids and I don't know if she could handle the news.

And that's when I thought about leaving. Alam kong masasaktan sila kapag umalis ako, pero kapag hindi ako umalis ay masasaktan rin sila. If I leave then I won't be a burden to them. I'll die alone but it's better than inflicting pain upon them. Kasi kapag hindi ako umalis mas lalo ko silang masasaktan. Araw araw ko silang masasaktan at hindi ko kayang tignan silang umiiyak na alam kong ako ang dahilan.

They are just too important to me. Whether I stay or I leave, I'll hurt them. But I'll choose the lesser evil. I'll go.

And the operation? I chose not to take it. As I've said, I'm never a risk taker. Sasayangin ko lang ang oras ko doon tapos mamatay rin pala ako? It's not worth it. If I'm gonna die then I'll just accept it. Maybe the Lord has plans for me.

Umuwi ako ng maaga sa bahay non, sinalubong ako ng maid namin. Buti nasa opisina pa si Ate. I wrote a letter. For her. And left it on her bedside table. I told her not to look for me.

Nagwithdraw ako ng pera ko at nilagay ito sa isang bag, pagkatapos ay pumunta ako ng Laguna at bumili ng isang beach house kalapit ng dagat.

I chose this place because it's peaceful. During mornings, I would walk on shore to stare at the beauty of everything. Of the people, of this place, of life. I look at everything with a smile on my face because I knew that my end was near. I wanted to appreciate life like I never did before.

I would drink coffee on my porch while staring at the sea during mornings, I would wait for the sun to come down during afternoons and I would stare at the sky to marvel at its beauty during night time. Everything was the same until he came.

Until he came.

One night while I was walking on the beach, I saw him. He was sitting there, alone and drunk and he kept on muttering things to himself. My curious ears can't help but eavesdrop. I ambled closer and listened as he unfolded his heartaches. And I got struck by the sudden need to help him. I was willing to help him mend his heart but in the process, he ended up taking mine.

I built my own tower and trapped myself in it but he built a bridge to get to me. And he did it. He finally did it. He came up the tower and once again I was bare. I felt so bare and I wanted to shut myself in again but he just would not let me.

But there he was thinking there's no more problem. There I was hoping that we could be happy but we can't. Because there is an antagonist. There will always be an antagonist. In this taleI made up in my mind, it was the witch who wants to keep us apart.

But in reality, it was my sickness. It is the brain tumor that's keeping me chained. It is the brain tumor that is hindering me from being happy. And I knew so well, that I can't escape it.

Pinikit ko yung mga mata ko. Umiiyak na pala ako. I hate this. I really hate this. Naiinis ako kay Raven. Naiinis ako kasi masaya ako tuwing nandiyan sya. Naiinis ako kasi alam ko kung ano tong nararamdaman ko. Naiinis ako kasi alam kong hindi pwede. Naiinis ako, kasi sa kaunaunahang pagkakataon simula nung nalaman kong may sakit ako ay hinihiling ko na sana hindi nalang ako mamamatay. Na sana ibang tao nalang yung nagkaroon nito.

I don't want to admit all of these to myself before, but Cesca's words stabbed me. It pierced through me and it hurt. It hurt me so bad that I ended up rethinking every decision that I've ever made.

I was seized by a severe headache once again. Halos mamilipit na ako sa sobrang sakit at ang nagawa ko lang ay umiyak ng umiyak. Pagkatapos rin naman ng ilang segundo ay nawala na ito. I stood up and went to the kitchen to drink water. Medyo nanginginig parin ako.

"Claire Faith!" Raven's voice resonated outside. He pounded my door rapidly and I quickly ambled towards it. I pasted a smile on my lips as I opened the door for him.

"H-hi." Medyo nauutal kong bati sa kanya. He smiled back. He looks so vibrant today at hindi ko alam kung bakit. He reached for my hand and put a cellphone in it. Kinunutan ko siya ng noo. "Ano to?" I asked.

"Cellphone?" He grinned.

I raised my eyebrow. "Uhuh? Ang ibig kong sabihin ay bakit mo to nilagay sa kamay ko?"

"Basta. Kapag may tumawag diyang sagutin mo ha?! Sige uwi na ko, Claire Faith! Remember what I said!" And just like that, he ran away. Tumakbo na siya paalis. Malamang uuwi na yon sa bahay niya.

Napailing nalang ako sa kaweirduhan ni Raven. I closed the door and looked at the phone. I shook my head once more as I sat on the couch. After fifteen minutes, the phone rang. Nagulat pa nga ako eh. Unknown number ang nakalagay, pero dahil may tiwala ako kay Raven ay sinagot ko ang tawag.

"Hello?" Tanong kong may pag-aalangan.

"Hello, Claire Faith." Said Raven from the other line.

"So, ikaw pala yung tatawag ha? Anong pakulo ito?" I was smiling from ear to ear. I knew I looked silly but who cares?

"Just listen, okay? Just listen."

"Okay." I laughed giddily.

"I like the way you sound in the morning ♪♩♬

We're on the phone and without a warning

I realized your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard

I like the way I can't keep my focus

I watch you talk, you didn't notice

I hear the words but all I can think is we should be together.."

He was singing and I was floating upwards while listening to his voice. I never knew that Raven has a voice as good as the one I'm hearing right now. My heart fluttered.

Thump thump

Pinagpatuloy ko ang pakikinig sa boses niya.

"Every time you smile, I smile

And every time you shine, I'll shine

And every time you're here baby, I'll show you

I'll show you you can jump then fall

Jump then fall, into me

Into me."

Hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdam ko sa pagkakataong ito. What I know now is that he's pulling me towards him and there is no resistance.

He sang some more lines, and when he finished, all I heard was heavy breathing.

"Claire Faith?" He asked. He sounded so unsure.

"Yeah?" I replied.

"Hindi ko kasi alam kung pano sabihin so I chose to just express my feelings using a song. So please Claire..."

He paused.

And continued.

"Please jump. Then fall into me."