The Cure to My Scar

Punishment

It's Alice's farewell party because she is migrating to Canada to live the best of her life with her Canadian fiancé. She is leaving in three days so I made sure that I could come to her farewell party. I may have been missing in action for the past few years but I have to make sure that I won't miss this one.

But as soon as I stepped into the VIP room for tonight's party, I am starting to regret coming here for some reason. I expected that there will be a lot of people coming since Alice is a social butterfly but I didn't know that most of them were our college friends. I looked at myself from head to toe. I'm sure that I looked decent but when you will compare me to the Margarette back then, you will be disappointed. And that's what I am feeling right now.

Everyone was greeting me with a smile on their lips but their eyes are telling me something else. Their smile is not because they are delighted to see me here but a smile of mockery instead. A smile as if they are dissing me at the back of their minds.

Good thing, Cassy run towards me and save me from these clowns. She smiled at me genuinely and hugged me tightly. I can feel how she misses me so much because it took me years before I showed up and joined them at a party like this. I've been isolating myself from everyone over the years, as an act of repenting though I'm not sure if it's enough.

We walked towards where Alice is and she screamed out of joy as she couldn't believe that I am finally there.

"Margarette Lane~~~~" She called out loudly and run towards me excitedly with her arms wide open. I never felt this warmth for a long time. I'm not sure if I deserve it but I feel so delighted that I finally meet them tonight.

"I still can't believe it. Where have you been? Why are you hiding from us all these years? We have been looking for you." Cassy exclaimed. I can see through her eyes how worried she is right now.

I smiled forcibly and gulps hardly s I don't wanna ruin this wonderful night. We want to send off Alice with wonderful memories. I sipped at my cocktail glass and looked at Cassy.

"I was... hiding. But let's not talk about that tonight. Maybe we can set some other time to talk about that." I asserted. She caresses my back gently as she understands what I'm trying to say.

Everyone is having a blast at tonight's party and it's so nice to watch them from afar. I used to live that way before... carefree, young, and wild. Those were the days when I feel like I always wanna try new things. I wanna try and experience a lot of different things. To the point that I forgot when and how to stop until that day full of regrets happened.

The day where I learned how to pray because I've been asking a lot of what-ifs since that night. And those what-ifs remained what if because I never had the chance to make it up to it. And even if I had the chance, I'm not confident how will I make it possible. So all I did was to live far away from everyone and forget about happiness as a punishment.

I excused myself from Cassy and Alice but they stopped me from going, thinking that I am calling it a night. But all I want back then was to have some fresh air because things keep reminding me of our past as I keep sitting here... the bet, how I took courage towards him, how he turned my confidence up and down, and even that night he drove me home. Everything keeps flashing since that night and it pains me how I ruined things and brought us to end.

I walked to the veranda and the wind blows as if it is trying to console me. I was about to pick out a stick of cigarette when I saw this familiar guy leaning on the veranda. But his eyebrows were furrowed as if he was so annoyed or some sort. I wonder what's going on.

I feel somewhat excited to see him again after how many years but on the other hand, I feel like my body became frozen. I was trying to move but it feels like my feet were nailed to where I am standing. Maybe I am subconsciously holding back myself from trying nonsense and guilt was eating me up.

I was about to turn away but still, I wanna give it a try. Who knows, he might have forgotten me after all these years. Or maybe we can at least be civil to each other. Despite the fear that I'm feeling right now, I still wanna give it a try.

I took all the courage within me and took a deep breath. There's no harm in trying, Marge. You are not expecting that you will be forgiven easily but greeting him after a long time won't kill you.

"Jace? Is that you, right? Jace Vinson del Castillo?" I tried to utter as naturally as I can. I want to greet him casually for some reason.

But I can still see through his eyes that he will never be delighted to see me anymore. And being civil to me will be impossible.

He crushed the cigarette he's been holding as he clenched his hand into a fist. It's been years yet I can tell that the rage he is feeling is still the same. Or maybe, it gets worst.

So before he could say anything, I tried to utter nonsense for some reason. I guess the guilt and pain are driving me crazy that I wanna act as if everything's fine just to have a little bit more time with him. I am more than desperate for this.

"It is. It's you, Jace! I didn't know I would meet you again. It's been years." I exclaimed another nonsense even though he was not welcoming my presence.

He looked at me blandly and removed his gaze immediately as if he can't stand looking at me for a second and acted as if everything's fine. His eyes are telling me how displeased he is to see me here, even if it is just a coincidence.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't think that you will still hate me. Though I know that what I did was unforgivable but I thought you could at least be civil when we meet this way." I mumbled.

"You're wrong. I... despise you. Hate, anger, or rage will never be enough to explain what I am feeling right now." He exclaimed with emphasis while gritting his jaw as he was so furious at the way I act.

I know that it is so shameless of me to act this but this is how I am desperate to see his face, his eyes for one more second. I know I don't deserve to say this but I miss him. And all these years, all I did was to repent for the biggest mistake I've made in my entire life but I guess, it is not enough. And maybe, it will never be enough.

He walked past me after saying those words and left me dumbfounded with that comment.

I understand that he will never forget and forgive what I did but I still want him to be happy. I don't want him to live his life miserably just because of what I did to him. He deserves to have the happiness I took away from him because of my grave mistake. Because looking at his eyes, I can see that he was living in misery with the rage and wound I've caused him that day.

I hold him on his wrist before he could run away from me and was about to say something but he pulled his hand forcibly which reminded me of that night. The night where I was begging for his forgiveness shamelessly. He stared at me with his fuming gaze and turned his back away from me.

I already knew that these will all happen if ever we will meet again one day but I still can't help a bit to be stunned at his every reaction. Rage will never be enough to describe what he feels for me.

He loathes me. He despises every inch of me. He disgusts laying his eyes on me.

And I know where he is coming from.

But I guess, knowing and understanding how it feels is different. No matter how hard I try to convey my empathy, I always end up being apathetic.

I am sorry, Jace.

I sincerely apologize for causing you deep unhealing wounds. I didn't know keeping distance from you all these years will never help at all.

I wish a day will come when you can listen to this apology.