Fragile Happiness (MxM)

Intentions (1)

Chapter 11: Intentions (1)

***

The next days at work, Kane began acting a bit more distant around me but he still came to the Editing department often.

“Kane, you’re here again.” Daniel remarked as him approaching me.

“Just here to drop off something…” Kane didn’t seem to be in a bad mood but to me at least he looked a bit sad.

“What do you have to drop off?” Daniel asked while tilting his head to the side.

“Is Richard in? I need to give him the financials of his author’s last book. He wanted to see them for himself.” Kane said as he showed the documents he was holding. Those were the financial records of how many copies were made, produced, in what time period, how much they sold for, how much it made for the author and for the company... basically everything and anything concerning the book’s overall success.

I know that much because I actually wanted to be part of the financial department before. But I ended up being an editor since they found me lacking in financial literacy… Which I guess is an overall fair judgment if you consider how badly I’m handling my personal finances at the moment.

 Now that I think about it… I really started this job because I didn’t have anything else going for me… It’s not like I had some kind of burning passion for books or anything. I simply wanted to have enough money to support myself and this was the only available option.

How miserable…

“Lois…” Kane approached me and called out my name, I was a bit lost in thought so my reaction came several seconds too slow.

“Yes?” I asked as I avoided eye contact, the kiss’s aftertaste from that time seemed to still be lingering in my mouth.

“Would you like to have a coffee with me, today?” Kane asked me in his usual cool tone, he’s acting like nothing happened… Well I guess that’s the best for both of us after all.

“Sure.” I agreed, even though I couldn’t very well process his feelings, I still want to spend time with him. I know I’m a weirdo but even though I said I hated him… At the time I realized… I felt vey comfortable around him because he treated me normally… I don’t know if it was due to his feelings or whatever. But I had finally found someone to talk to that wouldn’t pity me. Was is wrong of me to try and keep that relationship?

***

Work ended surprisingly quickly. There wasn’t much I had to do that day so it was fairly easy as well… Somehow after I got out of the office with Kane I began feeling nervous.

“I know my apology doesn’t mean much… but I hope I can continue spending time with you.” Kane suddenly spoke in a sincere voice that definitely caught me off guard.

“I really don’t understand you…” I muttered quietly and it was the truth. If I were able to grasp what was going in that man’s mind I might have been able to communicate with him better. But Kane’s mostly expressionless face and mannerisms didn’t help me in the slightest with even begging to comprehend what was going on in his head.

“I like you.” Kane said as he turned to look at me and took my hand in his. I tried to pull back my hand but after I was met with his eyes I somehow felt like I couldn’t…

“You’ve said it before… but I don’t get it. I’m nothing special at all. Not in my work, not in my private life, I don’t even have hobbies or interesting stories to tell… I’m the most boring man on earth and you’re here saying you like me. It doesn’t make sense.” It was a lengthy explanation that I tried to give and hopefully make Kane be a bit more reasonable. Of course I wouldn’t answer his one sided affection, after all I am not in love with him.

“I think you’re special.” Kane said as he gripped my hand a bit tighter than before.

“In what way? No… don’t answer that, I don’t feel like listening to it. Let’s go for that coffee.” I said while trying to continue walking, we were still near the company and I was deathly afraid that someone would see us.

“I’ve said it before but I admire you… more than you could ever know…” Kane muttered quietly, I guess he’s having a hard time saying what he wants to say as well. But right now I had other concerns, getting as far away from the company as possible.

“Alright, I understand… Now let’s go.” I urged him to move, he was still holding onto my hand as he started walking. We were walking while holding hands all of a sudden… What’s with that?!

“Would you mind… letting go?” I asked in a hesitant voice, I could feel his hand’s warmth through my gloves. It felt strange…

“Your hands are cold.” Kane remarked as he squeezed tighter.

“I know they are, they’ve always been like that.” I answered and finally gave up on trying to make him release my hand. It’s fine like this anyway…

“You should wear thicker gloves.” Kane suggested as he looked down at my thin black leathered gloves.

“It doesn’t matter what gloves I wear, my hands are always cold.” I explained, “And these are easier to do work in anyways…”

“I see, then how come they’re warm right now?” Kane asked as he raised the hand he was holding.

“Because you’re touching it… Of course it would be warm.” I just didn’t know where the conversation was going at this point. I thought Kane was just spouting off the first thing that came to his mind.

“Do you feel lonely?” He suddenly asked me as we walked towards his apartment. I hadn’t even noticed we were headed there yet.

“How did you come up with that?” I asked, it’s not because I wasn’t lonely I simply wanted to avoid answering him.

“They say people with cold hands have warm hearts… but you know if you’re overly caring towards others, it’s often that you disregard yourself. So I was thinking you might be lonely.” Kane explained in a sincere voice, he seemed to glance at the sky for a moment. It was already pretty dark and the stars had come out already.

“So what if I am?” I asked in an annoyed voice, the last thing I need is someone to be telling me how to live my life.

“If it’s okay with you… I’d hope you can depend on me a little bit more.” Kane said as we continued walking…

“Depend on you?” What was he even talking about… I was very confused by his statement.

“It’s alright if you don’t accept my feelings… but if I can be of any help to you, even if it’s just someone you rely on. I would be happy with that.” The way Kane said that somehow made me feel even worse about the entire ordeal. I don’t feel like he’s pitying me… Rather he’s the one I should be feeling bad for, all of this is because of his attraction to me. He’s willing to do so much for me…

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this by now, but I might not be the smartest person. So of course my dumb ass felt sorry for the guy and I said: “If you really like me so much then I guess I could rely on you, just a little. Because… I don’t dislike you…”

The expression of happiness Kane had on his face was something I’d never thought I’d see. It was such a bright smile that made me feel a bit better for saying what I did.

Afterwards we went up to his apartment and drank coffee. He asked me if I wanted to stay for longer but I went home instead. The time we spent together wasn’t that bad, we talked mostly about work but we don’t really have much common things anyways.

What surprised me though was that I was beginning to get accustomed with spending time with someone else. And being able to touch someone’s hand even if it’s through my gloves, it really is a huge improvement…