The Distress of Being Mrs. Roche (Girl Power)

Kabanata 04

Kabanata 04

Unti-unti kong minulat ang mata ko nang magising ang diwa ko at unang tumambad saakin ay nakakasilaw na ilaw at puting kwarto. 

Napaangat ako ng kamay at doon ay napansin kong may nakasaksak na IV saakin. Napahinga ako ng malalim nang maalala ang nangyari. 

I hit my head and fell on the floor filled with broken glasses. Nadamay na naman ako sa away ng magulang ko. 

I’m so mad right now. Hindi na nila naisip na may anak sila. Hindi na nila naisip na may pakiramdam din ako at nasasaktan. It doesn’t mean that I pretend to be okay, I’m really okay. 

Pagod na pagod na akong umintindi. Pagod na pagod na akong maging anak nila. All I need was a peaceful and warm home. I always begged them to separate. Pero kahit alam nilang may nasasaktan na sila at toxic na ang relationship nila, nagii-stay pa rin sila sa isa’t isa. 

They don’t realize that I’m lonely and enduring the pain of not having the warm love that a parent should give to their child. And now I’m alone in this room and——

“You’re awake,”

Para akong nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig nang marinig ang boses ni Hades. Kakapasok lang niya sa kwarto at may dala itong pagkain. 

Biglang kumabog ang dibdib ko nang magtama ang tingin namin. 

“Anong ginagawa mo dito?” Malamig kong tanong. 

Ibinaba niya ang hawak niya sa lamesa at umupo sa tabi ko. 

“Naiwan mo kasi ‘yung libro mo sa pol gov, sakto dala ko kotse ko so ako na nagpresenta na dalhin sainyo. We have an upcoming exam so I know you’ll need it,” Paliwanag niya.

Napatitig ako dito dahil bakas sa mukha niya ang pagkainosente. He seems to empathize me. 

Nanikip ang lalamunan ko nang makaramdam ako ng kakaiba sa tiyan at dibdib ko.

“Huwag mo kong tignan ng ganiyan,” Utos ko pero napahinga lang ito ng malalim. 

Nagulat ako ng hawiin niya ang buhok ko at inipit ito sa tenga ko. 

“You don’t need to hide your pain, I’m here,” He said gently while his eyes are giving me warmth. 

“C-can you come closer?” Paos kong sabi at agad itong tumayo para ilapit ang sarili niya.

Sa mga oras na ‘yon ay kahit ramdam ko ang kirot sa kamay ko ay mahigpit ko siyang niyakap. 

Bumuhos ang iyak ko at hagulgol. This is the first time someone gave s**t about me.

I always present myself as the perfect one. The intelligent, confident and fearless woman. But in reality, I was just wearing a mask. 

Deep inside, I always see myself as an outcast in this world. No one showed gentleness, no one have ever tried to know me. 

Sa masalimuot na mundo na mayroon ako, wala ni isa ang nagtangkang saluhin ako o tulungan ako makaalis. 

This is the first time someone save me. This is the first time I didn’t feel alone.

At ‘eto pala ang pakiramdam na ‘yon. Na hindi ka mag-isa. 

“H-hades…”Hagulgol ko habang patuloy lumalandas ang luha ko sa pisngi ko. Nababasa na ang damit niya pero mukhang wala itong pakielam. 

Mas lalong humigpit ang yakap niya saakin nang tawagin ko ang pangalan niya. Binalot ako ng makisig at malalaki niyang braso. He’s a big guy with an athletic body. 

“Hush, I’m here…I know you’re in pain…” He said in soft tone. The sarcastic and casanova guy I once perceived him to be changed into a gentle and dependable guy.

I’ve never thought that he’ll be soft and warming person. 

“I-I’m scared, Hades…I’m so scared,” I cried my heart out. Hindi ako kumakawala sa kaniya dahil sa ngayon kailangan ko ng yakap niya. 

“I’ll protect you, so don’t be scared.” Sambit niya at marahan niyang nilalandas ang mga daliri niya sa buhok ko. “I’m here. I won’t leave you alone.”

Humiwalay ako sa pagkakayakap habang nanginginig ang buong katawan ko. 

I never cried like this. Ngayon ko lang ‘to nailabas dahil lagi ko lang ‘tong kinikimkim. Pero hindi ko akalain na kakawala ng tuluyan ang emosyon na pilit kong binabaon. 

“I’m sorry you have to see me like this,” Pag-iyak ko.

Hinawakan niya ang magkabilang pisngi ko at pinunasan ang luha ko gamit ang hinlalaki niya. 

“You don’t need to say sorry, nothing was your fault,”He assured me. 

Nakapukol ang tingin nito sa mga mata ko at kitang-kita sa ekspresyon niya ang awa dahil sa sitwasyon ko. 

“I’m not your responsibility, you shouldn’t be here,” Pag-iyak ko at napababa ng tingin. Nahihiya ako kay Hades dahil sa lahat ng tao na pwede kong mapagbuhusan ng emosyon, siya pa ang nasaktuhan ng tadhana. 

I always treated him badly. Madalas akong naiinis sa kaniya dahil kilala siya bilang matalino at mahilig magpaiyak ng babae. As much as possible, I wanted to distant myself to a man like him dahil ayoko matulad kay mom. 

I hated him because I’m seeing my dad in him. 

But this night change everything because he’s way opposite to my dad. 

“Don’t say that. I’m concern to you and even if you tell me to go away, I’ll stay. Hindi kita iiwang mag-isa, Ariadne,” Buong loob niyang sabi. 

And that night, changes the whole story.

Because it was the night that I lowered down my guards and let Hades invade the space I kept for myself for years. 

___________________________________________________

“You’re going home?!—I have to tell this news to my husband—Love! Uuwi na si Ariadne!”

Napairap ako at napangisi habang kausap si Zia through call. She’s one of my girl best friend. I’ve been very close with her since high school. She’s such and angel and so pure. 

She and his husband help me to hide from Hades. They’re the one who kept Hades and his move in check. 

Vaughn was Hades’ best guy. However, he can’t opposed her wife. Si Zia mismo ang personal na nakipag-usap kay Vaughn na h’wag kunsintihin si Hades. Zia knows how much I need to be away. 

My pregnancy wasn’t the best experience. I delivered my child way too early than the due date. Hindi ko maiwasang ma-stress dahil nga sa nangyari saamin ni Hades. Na diagnosed ako ng depression while pregnant at nakaapekto ‘yon sa pregnancy ko.

I’m at my lowest during those times na nasa incubator si Maddox. I’m not a religious person or so but it was the first time I prayed every moment of the day hoping for survival of my baby. 

And God heard my prayers. Nagsimula muli ang pagkakaroon ko ng pag-asa at purpose nang mahawakan ko ang baby ko. 

And now, my son is the reason why I keep going. 

“Hey Aria! You better stop using my wife! I can’t even look at Hades’ eyes every time we see each other because of you,” Panggu-guilty niya saakin pero napangisi lang ako. 

Zia is a real queen. I’m jealous. 

“Well, I’m sorry but your wife loves me,” I jokingly responded. Napailing na lamang ito at ibinalik ang camera kay Zia. 

“Don’t you dare forget to visit our home! I want to see your son! My kids will definitely adore Maddox,” Pahayag ni Zia and I nodded.

“I know! At least for a time being, my son will have friends. Hindi siya malulungkot. Matagal-tagal na proseso ‘yong hahawakan kong kaso so I was thinking na baka i-enroll ko na lang si Maddox sa day care kung saan naka-enroll ang kambal,” I stated and Zia flashed a wide smile. 

“Omg that’s a great idea! Nai-imagine ko na tuloy pag sinabi mo ‘yan kay Calista. Kazuya wants his daughter to have a private teacher dahil medyo taranta ang lolo mo dahil baka mapabayaan daw ‘yung anak nila. But I know Calista will be against it since our kids will be enrolled in the same day care,” Paliwanag niya at hindi ko mapigilang matawa. 

Kazuya and his protectiveness is insane. Siguro nadadala siya sa katigasan ng ulo ni Calista. 

“Anyway, I have to go, I better pack my things na because the day after tomorrow will be our flight, I’ll see you real soon, bye love you,” Paalam ko at pagkatapos n’on ay napahinga ako ng malalim.  

Ang daming gamit sa paligid. I’m packing and cleaning our room. My mom won’t come with me since they’re already settled here. The only people who’ll come is my son and his nanny. 

Habang nagpa-pack ako ng mga gamit ay aksidente kong nabuksan ang box na matagal kong tinatago sa sarili ko at sa lahat ng taong kasama ko. 

Hindi ko alam kung anong pumasok sa isip ko pero sa ilang taong nakalipas, ngayon na lang ako nagkaroon ng lakas na loob para silipin ‘yon. 

Biglang kumabog ang dibdib ko nang makita ang album na puno ng instax films at mga old letters na obviously, galing kay Hades. 

I even kept the petals from countless flowers he gave me. The engagement and wedding ring was also in there. My handwritten vows were also there.

Habang pinagmamasdan at kinakalikot ko ang mga ito ay hindi ko mapigilang makaramdam ng hapdi sa dibdib ko. The memories I made with Hades still lingers. But it feels painful. I feel like going back in despair again. 

Hades is the first person I felt saved through the years I spent in this world. I could still remember how he witnessed me being hurt with the family I used to have. At that night, he didn’t leave my side. 

He could’ve laugh at me. He could’ve used that moment to blackmail me and take advantage of my situation since I always badmouthing him. But he didn’t. He stayed and became my shoulder to cry on. 

He fulfilled the emptiness I had during that time. For once, I felt warm and secured. I feel like he’s willing to shoulder my pain and let me rest.

Sa mga oras na ‘yon parang buong puso niya kayang isakripisyo ang lahat ng mayroon siya at iwan ang mundo na ginagalawan niya para tulungan ako sa mundo ko. 

He’s willing to be my world when I no longer see what world should mean for a human. He showed gentleness and care na never ko natanggap sa pamilya na mayroon ako. 

Just to be clear, I love my mom. My dad wasn’t a bad father either. But being with one another left me thinking that they’re bad for me. After my parents separated, that was the only time that I appreciate my mom. 

But my dad…I never ever spoke to him again. I’m mad at him for being abusive and ruining our family. He sacrifice the future of our family to feed his ego. 

And for that, I got traumatized and became threatened of having a man in life. 

But when Hades entered my life. I can’t stop my feelings anymore. I can’t control the way I feel for him. 

Pero hindi ko alam na hahantong ang pagmamahal na ‘yon sa ganito. 

“Mommy?”

Nanigas ako nang marinig ko ang pagtawag saakin ng anak ko. Mabilis akong napabitaw sa album at pagkatapos ay napalingon dito. 

“Yes baby?” I responded.

Lumukot ang mukha nito at tila parang nangingiyak ito. 

“Are you lungkot my mommy?” Tanong niya. Napakunot naman ang noo ko dahil sa sinabi niya. 

“What do you mean?” Takang tanong ko ulit.

“You’re crying mommy,” He answered. 

I got stunned when he said that. Kaya napatingin ako sa salamin at doon napagtanto na may luha sa mata ko. 

My eyes were like ocean blue. It drips crystal drops.

Agad akong napapunas ng mata ko at marahang ngumiti sa anak ko. 

“This is nothing my love,” Malambing kong sabi at maingat itong hinatak para paupuin sa hita ko. 

Nakaupo kasi ako sa lapag habang abala sa box nang maabutan niya ako. I didn’t notice that my memories with Hades will lead me in tears. I guess it’s still painful.

Ang sakit pag binigay mo lahat sa tao. It was like you ask a person to hide and take care of something precious but he ended up betraying you by destroying it. 

I love her badly that’s why it sting until now. 

“Mommy who is this?” Takang tanong ni Maddox habang hawak niya ang picture namin ni Hades. It was our first project during college. It was our first photo but I printed it because it was our first picture. 

Ngayon ko lang na-realize na never ko pa napakita kay Maddox ang itsura ng daddy niya. 

Hindi ko alam ano pumasok sa isip ko but I ended up spilling it. 

“That is your daddy, baby,” I said in gentle tone. “You look so much like him.”

“Is he dead?”

Nagulat ako sa biglaang tanong ni Maddox. Although he’s still a 3-year-old kid, his doctor told me that his mental age is already 5 years old.

and pretty much, he got his character from me. Unfiltered and curious. 

“Look my love,” Saad ko at iniharap ko siya saakin. 

“Your dad is just far away, but he didn’t forget us. He loves you so much. He always think of you. But he has a work that’s why he’s not here,” I lied. 

I don’t intend to hide him from his dad forever. Siguro noong una dahil maraming emosyon ang bumabalot saakin. 

But now that I’m okay. I think we can talk about co-parenting Maddox. 

“He never called, he doesn’t love me mommy,” He said in a sad tone while playing with her car. Avoiding my gaze. 

Parang biglang nawasak ang puso ko nang sabihin niya ‘yon. His eyes seems to looking for someone. 

Anong ginawa ko…

Did I unintentionally make his dad look bad to him? 

For a 3-year-old kid. It’s a surprise for me that he’s already sensitive with something he lacks. 

“What do you mean baby?” I asked. 

“Ashy daddy goes to our school. Ashy daddy always kiss her, hug her, fetch her,” He said and this is the first time my son look so down. 

“Hey baby…”Pagtawag ko at niyakap ito. “Your dad has something to do. But he loves you. That’s why we’re riding in an airplane. Because we will see him real soon.”

And after I said that, his bland expression turned into a cheerful one. He seems like expecting a big surprise. 

“Really mommy?!” Gulat niyang tanong. Napatayo pa ito na tila akala mo ay sa Lego Land kami pupunta. 

Agad akong napangiti at napatango. 

“Yehey!” Masaya niyang sabi at nagtatatalon ito. 

“So be a good boy to Yaya Rona okay?”I said and he nodded. 

Niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit at pinugpog ng halik. 

“I’ll be the best and I’m going to uhmm—-follow mommy and Yaya Rona!” Taranta niya pang sabi dahil naguumapaw ang saya nito. 

At pagkatapos n’on ay bumilis ang t***k ng puso ko. 

Now, I can’t really run away. I need to face the reality. 

That my son has to meet his father. 

That after years, Hades and I will meet again.