My Girl is Nasty (Nasty Series #3)

Chapter 3

drie

Umabot ng buwan bago ako nasanay sa kaniya. I was not easy at all but mommy was so consistent with me. She really wanted me to get along with him. At first, she was trying to help me just accept him for her. Later on, hinayaan ko nalang. As days went by, he wasn't bad to me. Maybe not yet but I don't think he can do that. Wala na siyang iba pang pamilya, hindi ba? So I was fully aware and absolutely accepted his stay with us. I know I was selfish at first but I realized he doesn't have a home. My mommy is too generous for letting him stay here. I shouldn't be bad to poor people.

Nawala rin ang takot ko sa kaniya, at least may kakaunting improvement right? His presence made me realized that maybe not all people are the same. He will not hurt me just like others. He's got a heart of a woman in the form of man's body. I'm sure there was a mistake when he was made. Hindi niya 'yon kasalanan.

He looks sincere naman. Kung ayaw ko siyang kausap, hindi naman siya namimilit. Kung ayaw ko sa niluto niya, hindi naman niya ako pinagmamalupitan.

He's a teenage boy now, I wonder when did he realize that he's gay? I'm curious.

I'm always curious but I don't want to be rude. Magkababata raw kami, but I don't remember him that much. Mommy said his dad died in a war. What's his last name again?

Hindi ko alam sa simula kong bakit magaan ang loob ko sa kaniya. Dahil sa hindi ko na masyadong maalala ang nakaraan, tinanggal ko na halos lahat sa isip ko, mukha namang totoo ang kwento ni mommy sa akin na siya ang nagtatanggol sa akin sa ibang bata. Kaya siguro, magaan masyado ang loob ko. I specifically don't want a boy here in our house, I'm traumatized to them. My doctor and teachers are women.

I don't know what truly gay is and why I'm going to be fine with it. Maybe because I'm just as curious.

I want to get closer to him. "He's in a man form but a girl at heart" that was my mother told me, is that even possible? Do we have relatives like him? I should listen more to my teachers, baka nakakaligtaan ko dahil hindi ako nakikinig. I'm very eager to know about his kind. Bakit siya bakla? Kailan niya naramdaman na hindi lalaki ang tingin niya sa sarili niya? Does he want to change his gender? Pwede ba 'yon?

Everything about him, I'm curious. Every time I think about our first meeting, my heart beats wildly. Is it because he's too interesting? I wanna know.

I can still clearly remember the times na sinusubukan ni mommy na ilapit ako kay kuya Levi. Lagi akong nagwawala na parang baliw. Later on, I realized I'm just making a huge fuss over a small matter. Hindi ko lang kasi agad matanggap na kuryuso na ako sa bagong dating. Hindi ko matanggap agad na iba siya sa ibang lalaki. Dahil sa takot ko sa katotohanan ng mundo, ibang-iba ito nang dumating siya.

I always tell mommy to leave me alone. Hindi ko sinabi sa kaniya na okay na ako, I don't want her to think na dahil pwede na 'to, she can introduce me next to other people she'd like to take in. That will be unacceptable.

I told mommy, I will try to get along and know him better. Para hindi na niya ipilit sa akin ng diretsahan.

Mommy was true to her words. Hinayaan niya lang ako mapag-isa. Hanggang isang araw, my mom invited me to have lunch with th.

It's weekend, I have no lesson today, I'm just sitting blankly in my chair. I'm thinking if it's alright to join them to lunch. If it's okay to get to know him.

Marami akong tanong. Marami akong gustong malaman tungkol sa kaniya.

"Do you want me to bring it here? Levi cooked sinigang." Says mommy.

Tumayo ako. I can do it! He will not harm me. Bakla siya! He sympathizes with girls. He's got a heart of a woman, Blanca. I'm sure he understood me. I don't remember the past too much but I remembered him. Natatabunan man ng madilim na nakaraan ang utak ko'y alam kong naaalala ko si kuya Levi. I was close to him. At least, if my foggy memory is correct.

Right? He used to protect me. Well, he used to take me to nursery when mommy's at work. But he wasn't there when...

Where did that come from? I hope this memory is not made up. Baka dahil gusto kong maalala siya ay nakakagawa ako ng kwento sa isip ko. No, it's safe to say, my memories are reset.

"Anak? Tulog ka pa?"

"N-no, mommy! I'll join you in a second." Sabi ko, umiiling.

Well, I'm kinda determined?

"Kuya! Kuya! Help me put on my shoes..." a young kid demanded.

"Sige, pero kiss muna sa pisngi." Sagot naman ng batang lalaki.

The little girl kissed the little man. An eight-year old little man helped the little girl putting on her shoes.

"What if awayin ako sa kindie?" The little girl once ask.

Papasok na siya sa nursery. She's excited but a bit nervous.

"E 'di itataboy ko ang mga bata. Sumbong natin sa teacher." The little man answered.

Tumango ang batang babae.

Kuya Levi. Yes, how can I forget him?

Huminga ako ng malalim. I can't validate that memory. I was too young back then. He's a blur. I'm sure it's a made up memory. Stop it, Blanca! Or else, a forgotten memory might flash and trigger you. Huminga ako ng malalim. It's a reset.

Nabigla si mommy na nakaharap pa rin sa pinto, pagkabukas ko mabilis siyang umatras.

"B-Blanca, anak..."

Tinikom ko ng mariin ang bibig. Nagkatinginan kami ni mommy. Kitang-kita sa kaniya na hindi siya makapaniwala sa biglaang paglabas ko.

Usually, hindi ko sinasagot. O, hindi kaya hindi talaga nag-aaya si mommy dahil alam niya na ang isasagot ko. I know today, she wanna try it.

"I-I'm hungry," I finally spoke.

"Uhm..." lumunok si mommy, she faint a smile. "L-Levi cooked sinigang for us, d-dear."

Tumango ako. I stepped forward, then start walking towards the hallway going to the dining area. Malakas ang pintig ng puso ko. I'm sure I'm thrilled yet very nervous. It's been a while since I last saw him. Kahit na gustong-gusto kong lumabas para makasilip sa kaniya ay nauunahan ako ng kaba. In the end, I will end up stepping back and hide.

Kahit na tanggap ko na siya, hindi pa rin ako malapit sa kaniya. I want to put him into the test.

Ngayon, nilalakasan ko ang loob.

Nothing bad will happen, Blanca. Everything will be alright. He's your kuya Levi. Plus, new discovery, he's gay. He will not hurt you.

I still use 'he' a pronoun. Mommy didn't introduced him to me as 'ate' and he's still a masculine. I should listen more to my English subject.

Nang makalabas ako sa hallway, nagkatinginan kami agad. Nakaupo na siya. He wasn't shock. I look at him intently, I want to see something in his eyes. May hinahanap akong isang bagay sa mga mata niya. That's how I judge evil people.

Ang mga mata nila.

He didn't flinch. Naramdaman ko ang pagsunod ni mommy sa akin. I'm so interested in him but I couldn't read anything. He looks so cold. He looks so manly. Wala akong makita sa kaniya na pagiging bakla.

Manly. What do I know about a man? I don't know. I've been only watching people on movies, cartoons, and other stuff but I don't know anything about a man.

But then, his eyes was still the same. Hindi ko na maalala ang nakaraan pero hindi ko malilimutan ang una naming pagkikita sa bahay na ito. I can't read faces well. May hindi ako naiintidihan.

Try harder, Blanca. Makikita mo! He's gay... you have to see it. Maybe you're missing something. Mommy said, he's gay. Hindi matanggal sa isip ko ang mga mata niya ng ilang araw. Hindi ko man siya laging nakikita pero maliwanag sa isip ko ang mga mata niya.

May nagsasabi sa isip ko na kakaiba. Hindi ko alam kung maniniwala ako.

Again, what do I know about a man's face?

"Thank you, dear. I know you tried hard." Biglang bulong ni mommy sa akin.

Naputol ang titigan namin ni kuya Levi. I turned my head but mommy is already at the dining table. Round ito, kuya is seated beside mommy. I seated next to mom, making me and uh... kuya Levi? Uhm... fronting each other. The empty space is for nobody. Mom is now facing the living area because of the space.

Hindi na ako makatitig kay kuya Levi. I tried to but I'm a bit hesitant. Kinakaya ko naman. I just need more space and time but this is a bigger step. I'm improved, right?

"Ito, hija!" Nilagyan ang pinggan ko ng sabaw. "Luto ni Levi. Ito namang adobo, luto rin ni Levi kagabi, ni-reheat lang. Sayang kung matatapon. You liked it 'di ba? Levi is really helpful. I'm glad he's here to help us..." mom, trying to brag the guy in front of me.

Dahan dahan akong umangat ng tingin. He was busy chewing his food. Kumakain na ako habang pabalik-balik ang tingin sa kaharap ko. He eats so big. I mean, like a man. I guess, kahit bakla siya, nasa katawan na talaga niya ang pagiging big-eater, right? He looks like a big guy eating. Hindi naman sa patay-gutom. I was just expecting him to eat woman-like. You know, mahinhin. Very feminine.

Bakla nga siya, 'di ba? Or am I overthinking about what a gay should be?

Kumain ka nalang Blanca.

Patapos na siya habang ako, halos nagsisimula pa lang. Nagkatinginan kami nang umiinom siya ng tubig. Sumusubo pa lang ako ng ulam.

Kumunot ang noo ko. I feel really strange... it's bothering me.

It ain't good. Walang bakas sa kaniya ang pagiging bakla. Look at his body built, his movement, and even the way he looks at me. I can't decipher. Gaya nang una naming pagkikita. I feel the same thing, the same energy.

Akala ko magbabago ang pakiramdam ko sa kaniya ngayong nakaharap ko na siya ulit na kalmado ako. I thought it would be different, but it wasn't.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko dahil sa ideyang pumapasok sa isipan ko.

He's not gay! He's pretending to be one! I look at mom who's eating harmoniously. Mommy, I will find it out. Baka niloloko lang tayo ng taong ito. He... he's not definitely gay. I can guarantee it.

What if he's just using us and in the end, he'll hurt us.

Baka may masama siyang binabalak.

Wala kaming halos napag-usapan sa hapag-kainan. After dinner, I volunteered washing the dishes. Mommy went to her room to do something while that 'kuya' Levi is sitting in the living area, watching TV. I'm keeping my eyes on you, 'kuya' Levi. Alam kong may tinatago ka! I smell fishy about your identity. If I'm correct, I have to find ways.

My lungs is growing tight. Kung totoo ngang hindi siya bakla. Ano ngayon, Blanca? Naloko na naman kami? Men in all ages, nga walang hiya?

I will make sure he will not succeed. Kung ano man ang binabalak niya sa amin ni mommy. If he's pretending to be gay. It will not last long. Mukhang napaniwala niya si mommy but not me! Gagawin ko ang lahat para lang malayo siya sa amin. Papatunayan ko kay mommy na masama siyang tao. He's not even yet an adult pero may masama na siyang hangarin. I'm not letting him win!

I will make sure of that.

On the next day, I approached him. Mommy left very early. May one-day seminar daw ang mga teachers. Dadalo siya at uuwi rin pagkatapos no'n.

That 'kuya' Levi is still here. Nasa sofa ako at nakita kong papalabas na siya ng unit namin.

I waited for this. Maaga akong gumising. Kahit hindi naman ako nakatulog ng maayos pinilit kong bumangon. I watched a lot of gay videos last night. I have to make a point before facing him. I gathered all my courage to come out. Mommy is not here. Maybe like in dramas, yung mga nakikitira sa ibang bahay ay nagbabait-baitan lang pala. Kapag wala ang may-ari ay naghahari-harian. Hindi ba, gano'n 'yon? It's the right time to find out.

Kung totoo bang bakla siya o manggagamit lang din siya. I approached him...

No, I blocked his way out.

"Do you want vulva, too?" I asked him.

I did not try to be nice. I used my real tone. I don't have to pretend here, mommy is not here anyway.

Nanlaki ang mata ni kuya Levi. His jaw dropped as if he heard something shocking. Nagkatinginan kami. He's tall, his height towered me.

His uniform looks so neat. Malinis ang pagkakaayos ng buhok niya. Makapal ang kaniyang kilay at bawat pagkunot nito ay para akong aatakihin sa puso.

I exhaled deeply, as if I forget to breath after the question.

He didn't answer immediately. What? May mali ba sa tanong ko? He's gay, he shouldn't be offended, right? Maybe he wants vulva like mine. I'm just wondering lang naman. If you're really gay.

What's so shocking, kuya Levi?

"Hmm? Why are you stiff, kuya?" Inuyog ko pa siya.

I heard him swallow his own saliva. Nakaawang ang kaniyang labi at diretsong nakatingin sa akin.

He didn't expect my approach. You have no back-up kuya. Mommy is not around. You can never lie to me. Hindi mo na ako kailangan pang linlangin. It won't work on me.

"W-What do you mean?"

I shrug, "do you want to have vulva, too? I'm just asking. I saw some videos on internet. Di ba pangarap ng mga gays ang magkaroon din ng vulva tulad ng mga babae? Long hair? Big breasts? I will ask mommy to get you one. Like get you a surgery para same na tayo. And also, I can call you, ate."

I want to smirk, I don't want to sound sarcastic but it was futile. I'm just trying my best...

Tumikhim ito at umayos sa pagkakatayo. I can see his printed white t-shirt inside his actual uniform. "I-I think it's not necessary, Blanca."

My eyes narrowed, like a hawk-eyed eagle. Is he scared? Isn't it every gays dream? I searched about s*x change operations in Thailand. Doon, sa tingin ko ay successful ang mga operasyon at ang sabi sa site—cheaper daw. I'm almost there. Ang dali naman yatang paaminin niya. Why didn't I talk this out at the very beginning? Ganito lang pala kadali!

Well, like kuya Levi, I'm sure hindi niya afford. Mahal pa rin— the fare, accommodation, and the surgery itself.

"Bakla ka 'di ba?" It was a direct hit.

He just looked at me. Later on, nodded like a scaredy cat.

He is frustrating me!

Napaisip naman din ako. Surgeries for changing vulva or p***s are quite expensive. I'm sure mommy can afford but if he doesn't like it kasi masakit. Ibang option nalang.

O kung talagang bakla siya? Dapat sa simula pa lang willing na siya. I'm almost there! No sweat for me!

Am I succeeding? Napapaamin ko na ba? You're out of here once I proved everything.

"If you want to be a girl like me and want to find a boy to like you, magbihis ka ng gaya ko." I turned around bragging my pink dress na may glitters at may tatak na barbie.

I woke up early and wore the best dress I've got to show him. I stopped and face his direction with a big smile.

"Wala akong pera pambili." Maikli niyang sabi.

Perfect! I can tell mommy to do that for him.

"Later, I'll approach mommy—"

"H'wag na, Blanca. Okay lang. O-okay lang." umiwas siya ng tingin sa akin.

My eyes narrowed again.

Kaya naman nang umuwi si mommy sa gabi, napag-isipan kong kausapin siya over the dinner. I let him go because he was saying he's late. Ayaw ko namang maging sagabal and my teacher is coming too.

Baka sabihin niyang binubully ko siya. Then mommy can accuse me of lying or making up stories. I'm not an evil sister. Hmmp! I'm a good girl. I'm just trying to assess him. Confront, indirectly? Now, mommy is here. I'm back with my operation.

Nasa lamesa na kaming tatlo. Handa na ang mga pagkain. He already proved to us his talent in cooking, no doubt he's good. Tahimik kaming nagsimulang kumain. Mommy seems tired but it will not stop me to ask.

"Mommy, can we go shopping?" Biglaan kong ungkat.

Halos mabilaukan si mommy sa narinig niya. Nanlaki ang mga mata niya't napatingin sa direksyon ko.

"W-what dear?"

"I want to go shopping." Pangiti-ngiti kong sabi sa kaniya.

I can feel kuya Levi's eyes on me. I know it shocked him too.

"Are you s-sure about that?" Si mommy. Tumigil siya sa pagkain niya at tinuon ang buong atensyon sa akin.

I nodded happily. "I want kuya Levi to come as well. I think he needs new clothes."

Tulala si mommy sa akin. Para bang hindi niya maisaisip na sinasabi ko 'to ngayon. Nagulat ko yata silang dalawa sa biglaan kong pag-aaya. Alam kong hindi kapani-paniwala pero gusto kong lumabas at bilhan si kuya Levi ng mga damit na appropriate sa kaniyang gender choice. Baka hindi siya malaya sa pagiging gay niya dahil sa hindi niya kaya. I want to support him.

Simula nang dumating siya dito at nagpakilala, interesado na ako sa lahat tungkol sa kaniya.

"Hindi na kailangan. May mga damit pa naman ako d'yan, Blanca. H'wag n'yo na akong isama." Tugon ni kuya Levi na kay mommy nakatingin.

Mommy looks at him as well. Para silang may pinag-uusapan gamit ang mga mata. Biglang tumawa si mommy at pumalakpak pero kita sa mga mata niya na kinakabahan siya.

"L-let's do it! Kailan mo gusto, dear? Of course, Levi should come." Hilaw na sabi ni mommy.

My eyes narrowed again. Are they hiding something to me? Okay, my view has changed. Does mommy knows about this? Kasabwat? I've seen some stories online. Plot twist ang tawag nila.

"Okay..." biglang nagbago ang timpla ko ngunit hindi na 'yon pinansin ni mommy.

Patuloy na kami sa pagkain. Konti lang ang naging usapan. Kinamusta lang ako ni mommy sa lecture namin today, gano'n din kay kuya Levi. We both answered, 'okay lang po.' Then, she left the dining area to change her clothes.

Tapos na kaming kumain kaya dahan-dahan na kaming nagliligpit sa mesa. Kuya Levi was transferring the left-over foods to containers— covered them with lids. Pinasok niya ito sa fridge habang ako ay dinadala ang mga hugasin sa sink.

It's time to drop the bomb. Once in for all, I want to finally know that truth. My endless curiosities about him are in the highest peak.

I want the truth!

Bumalik ako sa table, kasalukuyang nag-wa-wipe na siya ng table. Lumapit ako sa kaniya. Napatigil siya sa ginagawa at umayos sa pagkakatayo. He was towering me with his height. Talagang matangkad niya. I smirked, impossible... tell me the truth now, kuya Levi. I'll ask once and for all.

Mapapatawad pa kita ngayon kung sasabihin mo ang totoo sa akin.

Should I? I don't think so. He's out of here!

Nagkatinginan kami. He was about to ask what I want from him, uunahan ko na siya.

"You said you're gay... you're lying." Paratang ko.

Kalmado lang siya. Hindi bagay sa kaniya ang naglilinis ng mesa. I smirked, kung tama ang hula ko, sisiguraduhin kong mapapaamin kita.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang iniisip niya. Umamin ka na! Gusto mo lang akong gamitin para makapag-aral ka! Bakit? Your dead mum didn't leave you anything? Your uncle is in jail. Dahil wala kang pamilya kaya mo kami gagamitin? Ako, specifically? Not me. 'Wag ako!

Kuya Levi is already high school student na. Our gap is just five years yet I'm still Grade 2, I'm already 9 years old. He's already in 3rd year high school. Nagsimula ang insecurity ko nang tumira na siya sa bahay.

If I didn't stopped for two years dapat Grade 4 na ako

I cornered him. Naniningkit ang mga mata ko habang binabakuran siya.

If he's really gay. Ano ang intensyon niya sa paglapit kay mommy? His mother died, where's his father? He's a half-breed. Ang mama niyang namatay ay Pilipina. His dad's an US Navy American. His full name is Leviticus Juan Quijada Reynolds. He's not blonde like I see in the internet and TV. He's hair is black but the features he's got, malalaman mong may dugong banyaga siya.

"You said you're gay... you're lying." Paratang ko sa kaniya.

"Anong ibig mong sabihin?" His dark eyes are pitch black.

Ngumisi ako at tinaasan siya ng kilay. "You're pretending to be gay."

Paratang ko sa kaniya dahil never niyang pinakita sa akin na bakla niya. Look at what he wears, he's not fond of girl's stuffs. He isn't gay. He wants to trick my mom but not me, kuya Levi.

If he's gonna tell me I don't know what it looks like or it feels like, I'm going to tell him what I saw on internet. I am not invalidating him or sounding like degrading his identity but his intention is off. Hindi ko makita sa kaniya na bakla siya.

Hindi niya mapatunayan sa akin.

"Hindi ko maintindihan..." buo niyang pagkakasabi.

His voice. Hindi ganiyan ang mga bakla magsalita. They usually change their voices. You cannot trick me, kuya Levi! I swear, I'm going to tell mommy and you'll be thrown away.

"Hindi ka bakla." Deklara ko.

Hindi na paratang 'yon. He's not gay!

"I like boys. Sa simula pa lang gusto ko nang maging babae. If it's not what you call, gay, then what am I?" Taas noo niyang sabi sa'kin.

Natigil na siya sa ginagawa. His full attention is mine now.

"YOU ARE NOT GAY! NILOLOKO MO LANG KAMING LAHAT!" Tinulak ko siyang kahit na alam kong 'di ko siya kaya.

"I don't need to prove that to you." Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay at sumilay bigla ang ngiti na parang may naisip. "Is this because of my physical, Blanca? Is it because I don't wear clothes like other gays? Dahil hindi ako naggi-gay lingua at dahil sa boses ko?"

He advanced to me like he was never scared of me.

Napaatras naman ako. Ako naman ngayon ang mukhang nasindak sa kaniya.

"I'm a closeted gay, Blanca. Get your fact straight, little girl." Anito't nilagpasan ako.

I froze.

Closeted gay?

What is that means?