My Girl is Nasty (Nasty Series #3)

Chapter 4

vier

Nakaalis na siya at halos naiwan sa akin ang lahat ng trabaho. I was left dumbfounded at instant. Closeted? That's a new word for me. What does it mean?

Closet? Lalagyan ng damit? I'm not a walking dictionary to know everything. That's why education is really important.

I immediately went to browse to the internet. Good thing I only put my computer in sleep mode. Mas madali kong nabuksan. Tutok ako sa desktop ko, I have two words in mind right now. Nanginginig pa ang kamay ko pagka-click ko ng Google Chrome.

Closeted gay.

Wikipedia gave me an immediate response but as general term, closeted. As usual, Wiki is the best in appearing first.

Closeted and in the closet are adjectives for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, LGBT people who have not disclosed their s****l orientation or gender identity and aspects thereof, including s****l identity and s****l behavior. It can also be used to describe anyone who is hiding part of their identity because of social pressure.

My heart is throbbing. I'm nervous. I want to... know more. Nanginginig ang mga daliri ko. Para akong hinahabol. I searched more in the engine, what is a closeted gay?

Aside from Wiki again, another site below it shown a brief meaning of it. I click the site...

A homosexual guy, preferably in highschool or college who is gay but keeps his sexuality a secret. A closet gay can be ANYONE. I know guys from highschool who only talked about t**s and ass, yet now they're out as gay.

Umawang ang labi ko sa bagong natuklasan. So he does not wear girly clothes, nor act like a gay because he's in this category? Ayaw niyang malaman ng mundo na bakla siya? Bakit? The world is not yet opening up to the changing generation. Social pressure indeed. Just like how the world turns for me. I acknowledge my psychological problem, I'm sure just like social, it's hard coming out.

I'm disgusted by myself. Hindi na kita kilala Blanca. How can you be so ignorant and judgmental. Invalidating someone's identity because of your personal turmoil. You're disgusting, Blanca!

I opened my Friendster, I just changed the theme of my background. It has a black embedded theme. Just like the world to me. Dark. Ano nalang kaya ang kay kuya Levi. The information from the websites are pretty much direct, I got it immediately.

At the side of the site, naroroon ang mga friends kong hindi ko kakilala talaga. They added me for the sake. I also have Twitter, I faked my age and year I was born, I have followers there, I don't know them at all.

That's how I socialize. If it's called socializing.

Napapatingin ako sa mga boys kong follower. Now that closeted gays is known to me, that means hindi lahat dito ay boys talaga right? They can be men with a woman's heart not by clothes. Hiding in their men's clothes. That's closeted literally means. Inisa-isa ko silang lahat! They all look men to me. Walang bakas! Napagtanto kong ang mga kagaya nilang closeted gays ay nagtatago sa pananamit ng panlalaki pa rin. It is hard to know who is real man and the other.

Now, I understand kuya Levi.

I went back to my Friendster, I posted a glitter gif encrypted with That's alright! I GOT YOU!

I signed out, I heard a door bell, that means my teacher is here.

Weekend, my mommy told me we are going to shopping. Matapos no'ng confrontation namin ni kuya about him being 'gay'. Nanahimik na ako. Hindi ko na siya pinakialaman. Hindi rin ako nag-sorry sa kaniya. It was hard to say so. Kinakabahan ako. Kapag nagkakatagpo kami sa hallway, o 'di kaya nagkakatabi sa sofa kapag nanonood ng TV, umiiwas ako. Hindi ako umiimik. If he wants to help washing the dishes, I give it to him. Lumalayo na ako at alam kong namamalayan niya 'yon. I don't know if he had told mom about my rude attitude but my mother didn't say a thing so probably he didn't.

Hindi siya sumbungero. He's unlike in the TV dramas I've seen. Siguro sa mga babaeng kontrabida lang 'yon. I understand he's true form now. Why he didn't like to wear ladies' clothes or doesn't act like one.

Nahiya ako. I was ashamed of my reckless self.

According to a website, gays who are closeted doesn't really shows up as one because of different reason. First, discrimination. People aren't giving the the equal respect as normal people get. It's not like the'ye less normal but they are identified as not a part of human being. They're being bullied. No equal opportunities. Second, economic. Employers do not really accept gays, lesbian and all kinds and form. Believe it or not, it is really happening. Hindi pa tanggap ng society ang mga katulad nila. I asked my teacher about a gay teacher in their school, she said - wala raw. Even my mother working in a public school, as a principal - wala raw silang bakla o tomboy na teachers.

With that limited references, I'm so sure now why kuya Levi just want to hide his identity.

Agad nag-iba ang pananaw ko. Nag-iba agad ang pakikitungo ko sa kaniya. He has his own battle different level from mine but he's not different from my battles. He must be scared of other people as well-- finding out his real self. I'm sorry kuya Levi.

I don't want to be like them. I don't want be that evil. I don't want to be a part of them.

I feel sad for kuya. Hindi siya matanggal sa isip ko buong araw at gabi. Kapag tinitignan ko siyang tahimik lang na nanonood ng TV parang nag-gi-guilty ako. I was stupid, alright. Rude. Uneducated about his identity. Hindi naman siguro niya ako masisisi 'di ba?

"Okay lang ba mommy kung isama natin s-si kuya L-Levi?" Utal kong sagot.

Nagkatinginan muli si mommy at kuya.

"I'm alright, B. Pwedeng dito nalang—"

"But you said you're going to protect me?" Putol ko sa sinasabi niya.

Mataman kaming nagtinginan. At least, I can do something for you kuya. As a sign of apologizing with my ill-mannered act. Hindi ko kayang humingi ng tawad. Parang bago pa sa akin. Hindi ako naturuan paano. Wala akong alam kung paano.

Ilang sandali'y hindi naputol ang titigan namin ni kuya. Get my facts straight, right kuya? I got it. I wanna to reconcile with you. This is my nth times attempt going out and it didn't go well.

Will you help me? Will you be there to protect me? I wanna learn how to protect you too.

"Sigurado ka ba?" A critical yet dangerous query from him.

Dahan dahan akong tumango. Maybe it's the right time for me to engage with the harsh world. Like what my teacher told me. He genuinely smile, then licked his lower lip.

"So? Magbihis na kayo mga anak? We're going out." Singit ni mommy.

Alas tres na ng hapon, maaaring sa labas na rin kami kakain. It's not my first time but with so many attempts, I don't want to remember it. Handa na ako. I parted my hair in half and ponytailed them. Hindi masyadong mahaba ang buhok ko, mga one inch approximately below shoulder ang haba. Naka-pink Bratz dress ako. Naka-heeled sandal ako na black from Barbie.

Hindi ko naman masyadong pinaghandaan. I was told by my mommy na inappropriate pa ang paglalagay ng make-up kaya sunblock at lip balm lang ang nailagay ko. Handa na sila mommy at kuya Levi nang maisipan kong lumabas na ng kwarto. I took a deep breathe.

"Let's go, dear?"

Huminga ako ng malalim ulit. Here we go, B!

Tumango ako at sumama na sa kanila.

Mahaba ang byahe para lang pumunta ng MOA. Marami ring tao akong nakita kaya agad akong kinabahan. We actually commute. Kapag nag-wo-work si mommy, isang school driver ang sumusundo sa kaniya dahil hindi siya marunong mag-drive.

Nakasakay kami ng taxi. Nasa front seat si kuya Levi habang katabi ko si mommy na kanina ko pa hawak-hawak. She never let go of my hand. She knows my fear, and that I'm anxious.

"I'm glad, anak. Hinintay ko talaga ang araw na ito. I can't believe..." my mommy saying what's on her mind right now.

She assured me safety. She will never let go.

"Punta tayo sa store for girls? I'm sure you will all like the clothes there." Anang mommy, we just arrived.

To be honest, this is my first time in Mall of Asia.

Wala naman akong alam sa kung ano ang nasa labas. Sumunod lang ako kay mommy. Hawak-hawak niya pa rin ang kamay ko. Kuya Levi is just at the back guarding us probably. Palingon-lingon ako para makita kong ano ang ginagawa niya, nakikita kong napapatingin sa mga tindahan.

He probably wants to buy something but doesn't have any means. Look kuya Levi, just let me know what you want. I'll get mommy to get it for you.

"What if we go to a store where kuya likes..." I suggested to mommy.

Mabilisang lumingon kami ni mommy sa kasama.

"Hindi na tita. Wala naman akong gusto. Wala naman akong kailangan." Diretsong sabi ni kuya.

But I can see in his eyes. May gusto siyang bilhin. Why are you keeping it to yourself when mommy can afford? Magkapatid na tayo 'di ba? Do you hate me now? Because of what I've said? Come on, you should be grateful to mommy at least.

Wait, does he hates me? Hindi ko naisip na baka ayaw niya rito dahil kasama ako. Still, he shouldn't decline our generosity. We have money. My biological bastard father is giving us monthly allowance. Kaya gastusin nalang para sa magagandang bagay. I know that because I once overheard my mommy talking to my father on the phone. Dapat lang na magbigay siya! We are the legit after all. I hate my father so much but that doesn't mean he can runaway from his responsibilities. He should live his life from afar making money for me and my mother. ONLY!

"Levi... don't hesitate. H'wag ka ring mahiya. I believe this is your first time here too. Hindi pa tayo nagsisimula rito. This is the biggest in the Philippines. Biggest SM Mall."

First time niya rin? Kaya pala manghang-mangha siya. No wonder...

"I'm alright, tita. I'm okay po." Magalang niyang sagot.

Ngumuso ako. Ang hirap niya palang kumbinsihin. I'm sure it's because of me. He hates me for what I did to him.

Still, ba't ako mag-so-sorry. He is living at our place in my terms, because of my condition. Hmmp!

I'm wearing a pink glasses from Barbie, both frames and the lens. Kaya hindi ko namamalayan talaga ang mga tao sa paligid. But as soon as nararamdaman kong wala naman pala akong dapat ipag-alala, tinatanggal ko siya. Napunta kami sa stores ng mga damit. I immediately chose the clothes that attract my eyes. Di gaya ng dati, umuuwi nalang si mommy na may biling bagong damit sa akin. I was not able to choose for myself.

Ang saya saya ko ngayon, I got to choose expensive and fancy clothes and shoes. May mga stores na halos walang tao dahil mamahalin. Napunta rin kami sa department store, may binili si mommy. Hanggang sa huli'y nagsawa at napagod na ako.

I was too immersed when I forgot about kuya Levi. Nasa Jollibee kami ngayon. I am too tired to help mommy with the grocery so we are here to wait. Nagutom din kaya nag-order ng snack.

We will dine at a restaurant here. Maghahanap din siguro si mommy ng mapag-iiwanan ng mga pinamili niya. Alam kong matatagalan siya roon.

"Masaya ako na na-enjoy mo ang pagsha-shopping." Banggit ni kuya.

Nakahilig ang kaniyang mga lower arm sa table habang sinasabi 'yon sa akin. I was too immersed eating the fries. For the first time in 4 years, approximately, fresh fries from Jollibee ang kinakain ko ngayon. Kapag umuwi kasi si mommy ng Jollibee para mas madali, hindi na fresh ang french fries at sobrang melted na ang ice cream. I never left the house until today in those years. I think I missed a lot. Now I can finally have them fresh... I'm munching it well. This is the real Jollibee I had when I was so little.

"Mommy bought me a lot of good dresses." Mahina kong sagot.

I was hesitant to look at him, naiilang. Kinakain lang ang fries para kunyare busy ako.

"Ganda nga ng mga napili mo. Bagay sa 'yo."

"Thanks..." Thanks?, hindi ko na alam kung ano ang sasabihin.

Pinagpatuloy ko nalang ang pagkain ko ng fries at siya nama'y inubos na ang kaniyang sundae ice cream. Lagi niya akong nahuhuling nagnanakaw ang tingin. And I think I blush when he does. Nahihiya ako sa mga sinabi kong masasama sa kaniya. I must've hurt his feelings. Baka naisip niya katulad din ako ng ibang taong i-ju-judge rin siya. Mamaliitin siya dahil hindi siya normal.

Normal like... a woman in a woman's body or a man in a man's body.

That's their understanding of normal. But kuya is not defected just because he's a feminine in a boy's body. No! I will protect him.

Halos isang oras kaming nakaupo doon at wala sa amin ang gustong simulan ang usapan. Wala rin akong magawa dahil hindi ako makatingin sa mga tao. Pinaglalaruan ko nalang ang straw ng inumin ko.

Alam kong nakatitig sa akin si kuya. Kapag napapatingin naman ako sa kaniya, ngumingiti lang siya.

He's really attractive. I can narrate that a million times! Because it's so true! My heart beats fast when I'm too mesmerized. Now, now, I think I'm hypnotized. Blanca, do you even know how it feels to be hypnotized? You're bluffing!

Anyway...

Apologize now, Blanca. You have to at least acknowledge your rudeness to him. Sinaktan mo ang damdamin niya verbally. You are learning to be educated. Practice what you learn in your homeschooling.

I trailed off. Kahit na halos hindi ko na alam kung ano ang gagawin.

"May sasabihin ka?" Tinuon na niya ang atensyon sa akin.

I got his attention. Mas kinakabahan ako...

"Hmm... I just... want to..." hindi ko na alam saan titingin. "Uh... I want to say sorry, kuya Levi. For my rudeness and for being tactless." Halos bulong kong sabi.

My lips are protruded saying that.

Tumitig lang siya sa akin. He gave me his pitch black eye contact. Kung hindi ko lang alam ang totoong anyo niya, bibigyan ko ng ibig sabihin ang malakas na pintig ng puso ko. At least for my age of 9, magkakacrush na ako sa kaniya. I didn't know, I knew the word 'crush'. At least, our internet is too informative about some trends.

The sides of his eyes wrinkled.

"Naiintindihan ko," ngumiti siya sa akin.

Napatingin ako sa kaniya ng diretso. Umiinit ang pisngi.

"R-really?" Nanginginig ang labi.

Tumango siya agad.

"Y-you're too kind to say that. I was... you know... rude," I close my mouth tightly.

Mas uminit pa ang pisngi ko. May kung anong init at may halong kiliti ang tiyan ko. Mas bumilis ang pintig ng puso ko. What is this feeling for?

"Bata ka pa para malaman ang ganitong bagay. Naiintindihan ko. Hindi kiya gustong pilitin dahil alam kong mahirap sa 'yo."

"I'm not a kid!" I spat.

Ngumiti si kuya. Inabot niya bigla ang ulo ko at ginulo kaunti ang buhok kong nakalugay na.

"You will soon become a lady. Don't dream of growing up fast, B. Enjoy your childhood. It's not too late yet." Aniya.

Hindi na ako nakaimik dahil umaapoy na ako sa pamumula. Okay, okay? I won't wish then! Kunyare'y interesado ako sa mga pinamili kong damit at doon nalang ituon ang sarili. Mommy is really taking her time, huh? Mag-gagabi na.

Hindi na rin nagsalita si kuya. Hinayaan niya lang ako. At habang dina-divert ang sarili, I realized something. I won't wish to become a lady fast but I know there's something that everyone is common.

Feelings...

I think... I had a crush on him. How can I say I have a crush on him? I don't even know what crush truly means. I had it search on internet. I just validated what I felt and what I read there. But he's gay. That save me a bit. Right? Tumigil ako bigla sa ginagawa at binaba ito. Kababalik lang ni kuya from the toilet. Pagkaupo niya... gusto ko agad sabihin ang nasa utak ko. I feel like it's the best way to do.

Nagtaka naman si kuya kaya napatingin na rin siya sa akin ulit.

"You know what?" But thank goodness, you're not a boy. Kumunot ang noo ni kuya. That won't stop me from confessing though. "Halos crush na kita!" I confessed.

He didn't react at first. Ngumiti na rin ako sa kaniya at tumingin sa mga tao sa paligid. He's here with me, I feel secured. Walang mananakit sa akin dito. He will never allow that to happen.

"Sa kagwapuhan kong ito. Alam kong maraming nahuhumaling sa akin." Sabi niya.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at napatingin sa kaniya. Did he just brag about his goddamn look?

Tumawa siya ng malakas. This gay, he knows he's attractive. Hindi ako makagalaw. Is this your true form, kuya? Ang feeling mo naman pala!

Later on, nakitawa na rin ako. Yes, he's goddamn good looking gay. I felt we're suddenly got closer. I decided on one thing now, I will protect him too. Sa lahat ng mga matang mang-ju-judge sa kaniya. Sa mga babaeng susubukang baguhin siya. At sa mga lalaking gagamitin lang siya.

"But of course, you're not a guy... so..." halos tumaas ang boses ko para makuha niya ang point.

Tumawa siya. Hindi ako makatawa dahil sa natulala ako sa ganda ng tawa niya. I've decided. Hindi ako magdadalawang-isip pa.

I trailed off again. He stopped laughing...

"You know what? I wanna enroll to a normal school." I declared.

I've decided. I'm coming out... fully.

"I have a question, kuya Levi." I said in the middle of our dine.

Natigilan ang magulang ko at masama agad na titig ang ginawad nila sa akin. It's like I'm going to ask a heinous question. Hindi naman ako magtatanong kung ano ang stand niya sa war on drugs.

Umiling ako at ngumingiti lang.

Kuya Levi paid his attention to me now.

"How does it feel to be a closeted gay?" Mala-inosente kong tanong.

The running candidate for President immediately eyed at kuya Levi then to me. I read a question in his eyes.

"Oh my goodness..." rinig kong bulong ni mom.

Dad was stunned. Umawang ang bibig niya at napalingon din kay kuya Levi.

Malaking ngiti ang iginawad ko kay kuya Levi. Umigting ang panga niya. His eyes are all over me. It was like a warning. Very critical... crucial and very dangerous.

Nakikipaglaban ako sa kaniyang titig. Oh, bakit ba?

"Is there something wrong with my question?" Pa-inosente ko pang tanong. "Did I make everyone awkward? Well, if that so, you don't need to answer me, kuya Levi. It's in the past."

I even shrug.

I stood up from my seat. Still smiling to everyone in the table. The running candidate for President's wife follow my movement. Unison, everyone looks at me.

"I'm done with my dinner. Please, excuse me." Magalang kong sabi at tumalikod na.

I heard my mommy quietly excused herself.

Kalmado akong lumabas sa dining area. I know my mother is running to follow me. Sinadya kong maglakad ng dahan-dahan para magawa niya ang gusto niyang mangyari.

Isang marahas na paghila ang nagdala sa akin sa maid's room namin. Mabilis na sinarado ni mommy at ni-lock ito.

"What is wrong with you, Nemesis?" Her sudden outburst.

Sometimes I'm Blanca, sometimes it's Nemesis and mostly it's Blanca Nemesis, kung galit na galit na. Does it means, controlled pa ang galit mo sa akin, mommy?

"Nothing is wrong with me, mommy."

"Bakit kailangan mong ungkatin 'yon? Now what will happen to Levi's reputation? It's going to be dented. My goodness, Nemesis. What is wrong with you?!" Frustrated akong inuyog ni mommy.

Hindi ako natitibag ng isang mahina na uyog, mommy.

"He'll leave or I'll leave?" Diretsahan kong sabi sa kaniya.

Choose mom. Alam mo kung ano ang mali sa nangyayari. Alam mo kung ano ang stand ko. Now, ako ang dapat magtanong.

"You want me gone or Levi's leaving?" My blood pressure is probably rising now. So, do hers.

Noong bata pa ako, hindi ko ugaling sumagot- sagot sa kaniya. I saw my mommy's struggles for years. I love her so much! Yet she changed.

Nagiging baliw na siya kasama ni daddy. She knows I despises my father. He made my life miserable. He cheated on my mother! Mommy, we used to be partner, the team. Years... and years... went by, you left me.

Mommy's breathing is rising and falling crucially. Parang nag-iisip siya ng mariin. Now, I want her to choose me. I will keep up with dad. For years, gano'n naman ang ginawa ko. I will do my best but they will kick that Leviticus out of this house.

Mommy let out a heavy, deep sigh. It means, she made a decision. When she parted her lips, it changes everything.

"You're leaving anyway what's the purpose of asking this? Blanca Nemesis, I'm warning you, this is the last time na pahihiyain mo si Levi." Then she left the room.

I was left in a cliff. I want to f*****g jump! She just dumped me. My mother... my own... didn't choose me.

I was left dumbfounded. I was stunned... speechless.

Nagmamaktol akong pumunta sa kwarto ko. I felt like a loser today. Maraming bisita sa bahay dahil nga sa pagbisita ng running candidate for President. SANA AY MATALO SIYA! He hired a user man. Bad luck for him!

I hate them all! My mother, my father and that son of a b***h! f**k him! Curse him! I f*****g hate me.

I hate him so much! Hindi matahimik ang utak ko na nasa iisang bubong lang kami. Parang wala lang sa kaniya ang mga nangyari noon. He just ruined everything for me. Kaya gustong-gusto ko nang umalis dito. Evils flock together!

Halos magwala ako sa kwarto ko. Para akong nababaliw na. f**k them all! f**k this life! f**k this family! Gusto kong sumigaw! I wanna...

My door suddenly opened. No one knows now how to f*****g knock. Intruder of one's privacy. If it's the maid, I'm going to f*****g fire her!

Ngunit hindi katulong ang iniluwa ng pinto...

Now... now... the most favorite asshole of my parents. Ano ang ginagawa niya rito? Bakit? Nasaktan siya sa pagpapahiya ko sa harap ng running candidate? I'm not going to vote for him. I will make a fake account at sisiraan ko siya doon.

Punung-puno ako ng galit ngayon. Lahat ng makikita ko ay pagbubuntungan ko ng galit!

"Why are you here? Napahiya ka? Tinanggal ka sa trabaho? You should've told me na sekreto pala ang kabulastugan mo noon?" Maanghang kong sabi.

"I'm just concern. You didn't really eat." Sabi niya lang.

Pumasok siya at sinara ang pinto ko. Wow, this man has no shame. Ganiyan ba ang mga lawyer ngayon? Alam naman siguro nila ang privacy 'di ba? Baka by title lang ang nakuha niya, a. 'Di naman talaga siya pumasok. Maybe seduce the judge or pay his instructors for him to get the title.

Walang modo! Pwes, ako rin wala rin ako no'n.

I'm wearing a floral dress. It was easy for me to remove my clothes. Wala akong pakialam kung nariyan siya. Naglakad ako patungo sa cabinet ko para kumuha ng damit.

Pinanood niya lamang ako.

"Concern? Ang kapal mong gago ka." Sabi ko na hindi siya nililingon.

"Jesus! Blanca!" Late reaction niyang sabi.

Fuck, you're just enjoying the show.

"Umalis ka na dito bago ako sumigaw na hinaharass mo ako. I don't need your f*****g concern." Patuloy akong naghahanap ng maisusuot.

Galit ako. I want to physically hurt him. f**k!

"I can't wait til I can leave here!" Sigaw ko sa kaniya.

"I can wait until you forgive me," mahina niyang sabi.

NEVER. Umirap ako at nilagpasan siya tumungo sa pinto para pumunta sa banyo at makaligo.

Hindi na kami magkikita pa after the end of this month. Ito naman din ang gusto nila mommy at daddy. I'll give them what they want.