My Girl is Nasty (Nasty Series #3)

Chapter 2

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I can still remember that I was... no I still am scared to a lot of things... of people. Takot ako sa mga tao, sa pakikisalamuha. Takot ako sa mga mata nila. Hindi ko kaya ang makipagsabayan sa mga normal na mga bata. I was homeschooled since I was kindergarten and until I turned Grade 2 and it was for the better.

Lumalaki akong takot lumabas at sa mga taong makakasalamuha ko.

When I turned Grade 2, mom tried to enroll me to a normal well... expensive private school. I didn't last for a week that I stopped studying for two years. I hated it there! When I first tried to mingle with people, I failed. It's one of my nightmares. I remember rejecting homeschooling too because I was scared. In general, babae o lalaki takot ako. Everytime I see people my heart quivers as if being stucked by lighting. Para bang nanghuhusga sila sa akin. Tila nasasaktan ako sa mga mapanakit nilang mga tingin sa akin.

I grew up being scared to the world. I even get panic attack even from the slightest encounter. I am scared of the voies.This fear grew inside me every single day.

Their eyes.

Their mouth movement.

Their hand gestures.

It always gives me mini heart attacks. I couldn't breath well. I want to die at a young age.

For two years of not studying, life wasn't worth living. In my young mind, that was the best option at the time. My mind was like an empty shell. Even before I knew what life is I was as hollow as a dead tree. I didn't learn anything. Dinahan-dahan ng mommy ko ang lahat. She was patient to me, she understood my situation until she convinced me to be homeschooled again. Naisip ko, lumalaki na ako pero wala na akong natututunan, this time, I accepted it.

At Grade 2, I was already 9 years old. I was lucky that my teacher is good and really understood my situation. Sa totoo lang, ang sinisisi ko lang sa lahat ay ang pangangaliwa ng daddy ko kay mommy.

I started to hate boys. I don't like seeing boys. I hated my daddy. Iniwan niya kami, sumama siya sa babae niya at halos hindi na kami kinukumusta. I only know that he's supporting us with money. It's not like I need him or want him to come back to us. I hate him! He made me into this hollow creature!

I cried a lot every chance I could get. There was this nightmare that I couldn't forget--my mom's cries.

As long as I cannot be seen by anybody outside our unit, I'm good. Pati ang doctor ko, pumupunta sa unit namin para mapagamot ako. Three years na akong nagtatago sa loob ng aming unit. It scares me...

Nabubuhay ako na puno ng takot.

"Pasok ka! Don't worry, you're going to be fine with us." Rinig kong sabi ni mommy.

May kausap siya sa labas. Napalingon kaming dalawa ng teacher ko. Who could it be? We have a visitor? Napahawak ako sa kamay ng aking teacher. What if he's here? What if he'll take me away? I'm scared.

What if he came back to get me? I'm scared.

"Please, h'wag n'yo po akong ipamigay." Bulong ko sa aking teacher.

Nakita ko ang concern sa mukha ng teacher ko.

"What's wrong? Don't be scared." Hinaplos niya ang kamay ko at ngumiti, pinapakalma ako. "Baka visitor lang ng mommy mo. Let's go back on the lesson. Naka-lock naman ang pinto, Blanca. Hindi sila makakapasok dito." My teacher assured me.

I was assured that I am safe.

Hindi ako mapakali. My mind was too clouded with fear. Hindi na ako makapagconcentrate sa lesson at tinigil na rin ng teacher ko ang pagpapatuloy ng lesson. She knows I have lost focus now. I wasn't with her anymore, I was lost in my thoughts.

Mahigpit ang hawak ko sa braso ng babae kong teacher. She keeps on assuring me but nothing can take away my fear. Nanginginig na ako. Even the 16-degree coolness of the AC doesn't help. Namamawis na ako.

My panic attack has started.

"Just stay here. I'll check..." kalmadong sabi ng teacher ko.

Mas hinigpitan ko ang hawak sa kaniya.

"H'wag po! It can be him. Ayoko po... please help me." Pagmamakaawa ko.

Inalis lang ng teacher ko ang kamay kong sa kaniya lang kumakapit.

"Naiintindihan ko ang kondisyon mo, Blanca. I can see your determination to study... to know. Kaya lang, kung lagi kang matatakot, malulugmok ka rito. Do you want that?"

Nagkatinginan kami. My nose wrinkled as my eyes narrowed at her. Malumanay at mahinahon niya itong binigkas sa akin pero iba ang pagtanggap ng utak ko.

Parang hindi ko nagustuhan.

"I'm sure my mother is paying you to help me study. Not to teach me what to do in my life?" Sabi ko.

She gave me an expressionless face. It wasn't mocking, nor anything. Wala akong mabasa.

"Of course, my only job is to educate you. Hindi ko trabaho ang makialam." Tumayo ang babae kong guro. "But Blanca Nemesis, you have to realize by now that when you grow up— you have to face the harsh world. Hindi ka na dapat nagtatago ngayon. I'm giving you an extra activity. Your mother— as we can hear now, brought a visitor. Unless it is the doctor or myself, no one can enter your unit or your room. Sa tingin mo, magpapapasok ang mommy mo ng taong hindi mo kakilala at hindi niya pinagkakatiwalaan?"

Nanginginig pa rin ako. Namamawis at nahihilo na rin sa pinagsasabi ng teacher. Isn't she suppose to just teach me? It's my problem now if I go out and face the harsh world or what. Hindi niya 'yon problema kaya hindi ko kailangan ng extra activity niya. Kaya lang, sumagi rin sa utak ko, maaaring tama siya. Hindi, alam kong tama siya. My mommy wouldn't let an anonymous or distrusted visitor inside our unit. Alam ni mommy ang kalagayan ko.

Hindi na ako makatingin sa teacher ko. Nakatayo lang siya at hindi gumagalaw.

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin. Nalilito na rin ako.

Then my breathing hitched when we heard a knock from the outside. Sa style ng pagkatok, alam kong si mommy ito.

"Blanca! Ma'am Maye, I am preparing snacks for your break time. Break n'yo na ba?" Si mommy sa labas.

Nagsibabaan yata lahat ng dugo ko. I'm dizzy. I can't barely think.

"Yes, we're on break now, Ma'am." Naglakad si teacher patungo sa pinto. Binuksan niya ito ng kaunti lang at sumilip sa labas. "Good afternoon, ma'am. Maaga po kayo ngayon..."

It's now on our last break bago uwian. Last subject nalang at uuwi na siya. Dahil sa biglaan kong emotional attack, alam kong tapos na ang lesson namin today.

Nanigas lang ako sa kinauupuan. Nakatalikod sa pinto. Naririnig ko ang bulungan nila teacher at nang mommy ko. What should I do now? Bakit ba kasi nagdala si mommy ng bisita? Mahihimatay ako sa kaba't takot. Hindi niya ba naisip na magkakaganito ako?

Or am I just overeacting?

"Sige ma'am. Actually tapos na rin kami, I'll go now. I'll extend an hour tomorrow para macover up ang isang subject." Huling sabi ni teacher.

Hindi ko narinig kung ano pa ang pinag-uusapan nina mommy at ni teacher ko pero nararamdaman ko nang pabalik ito sa akin. Inangat ko ang tingin sa kaniya, even her ticking heels give me chills. Pinagsasara niya ang mga workbooks na ginamit namin sa lecture. Isa-isa niyang kinuha at tahimik na nilalagay sa kaniyang malaki na eco-bag.

Mukhang aalis na nga siya. Gusto kong kumapit sa kaniya. Gusto kong pigilan siya sa pag-aalis pero nangyayamot sa akin ang mga sinabi niya kanina.

You have to face the harsh world! I know. Pero hindi ko pa kaya. That's why we hired her to teach me at home, 'di ba? Does she want to lose her job or something? If it's a piece of advice, I think it's too risky. Her job as my homeschool teacher is on the line.

"I'll see you tomorrow Blanca. Make sure to do your assignments. We'll have quizzes as well. Be sure to study." Huli nitong sabi bago siya umalis.

I didn't move an inch after she left. My head is blank. I don't have the energy to study. I don't want to study. Ayoko!

Suddenly, the door creaked. Napatalon ako dahil sa kakaiba nitong dulot sa sistema ko. My door doesn't sound that creepy but as of this time, I felt the chills. The horror. My system is shutting down.

"Dear? Blanca?" A soft voice calling me from a far.

I thought my lungs was growing tight and I could no longer hear my heart beating. Am I still alive? I stiffened, mute in shock.

"Nandito na si mommy. Can I talk to you?" Her voice remains the same, trying to get my attention.

I can hear her foot steps coming to me. Kinakagat ko na ang ibabang labi ko. I'm trembling. I'm shivering in fear.

"Dear..." may palad na lumapat sa aking braso.

Napatalon ako sa takot.

"Easy Blanca. It's just me... your mommy."

"M-mommy..." I mouthed, I couldn't hear my own voice.

Tumikhim ako. My lips are dry. Wala na akong laway na mailunok.

Ngumiti si mommy sa akin, "are you alright? Natakot ba kita anak? Don't be scared, it's just me." Malumanay niyang sabi.

I was staring at her blankly. She started brushing my long wavy hair as if she was trying to comfort me or calm me. Ang nasa isip ko ngayon ay ang bisitang nasa labas ng silid na ito. Sino 'yon? Was it him? Bakit niya pinatuloy? Does she want to punish me? Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nasa isip ng mommy ko.

"I-I heard you... uhm... with..." I don't know what to say.

Mommy tucked in my hair at the back of my ear. She looks at me tenderly. Alam niya ang panginginig ko. Ayaw niya akong biglain, dinadahan-dahan niya lang. Hindi pa siya nagsisimula sa gusto niyang sabihin. Tinatantiya pa niya kung ano ang magiging reaksyon ko. Whatever it is mommy, I'm not happy or comfortable.

Please let the visitor leave.

"You're with... s-somebody?" Halos hindi ko mairaos ang sasabihin.

"You were very fond of uhm... this somebody." Trying not to reveal the gender of this visitor.

Malungkot ko siyang tinignan, naiiyak ngunit pigil pa.

"I-I'm not ready to meet other people y-yet, mom." Pag-amin ko.

Tumatango si mommy sa akin tila naiintindihan ang sinasabi ko. She tilted her head. Hinahaplos niya ang buhok ko. Habang ang kabilang kamay niya ay halos yumayakap sa akin.

"Dinala ko siya rito para may makasama ka na. I want you to try, dear. Gusto kong bumalik ulit ang sigla mo kaya dinala ko siya rito. I know what you are going through, anak but I want you to give it a try. Hindi kita pipilitin pero sana'y subukan mo. He's really special, anak."

Mommy was really patient. Hinintay niya ako hanggang sa natiyak ko na sa sarili ko na susubukan ko kahit takot ako. 'He', as my mom revealed the gender. Wala akong masyadong kilala. Iilang pinsan lang ang nakilala ko at mostly naman babae sila. Kung may lalaki ay maliliit pa na bata. It can be a small kid. Mom said I was fond of him, she might have brought a lil cousin.

I exhaled deeply. Baka nga I'm just overreacting. I will try to see who's the visitor.

Hindi ako pinilit na lumabas., kusa akong sumunod kay mommy palabas sa kwarto ko. Hallway agad ang bumungad sa akin, papunta iyon sa maliit naming lounge area at kitchen area.

She was softly holding my small hand. Mommy is assuring me that everything will be alright. The warmth of her hands were enoguh to calm me down. Nagtiwala ako hanggang sa dulo ng hallway.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang dumapo agad ang paningin ko sa isang lalaking nakaupo sa sofa namin. Sabay kaming nagtinginan, napaatras agad ako sa gulat at takot. Hindi siya maliit na bata. Kung isang lalaking mas nakakatanda sa akin ng ilang taon. Kung kanina'y halos bumaba ang dugo ko ngayo'y para tumaas na ito. My heart is beating wildly.

Gulat na gulat ako. Tatakbo na sana ako palayo ngunit hawak ni mommy ang kamay ko. Hinigpitan niya ito kaya hindi ako nakawala agad. YOU SAID YOU WILL NOT FORCE ME!

Mommy let go! Nasasaktan ako, physically and emotionally.

I felt betrayed. I could feel my heart shaterring. Akala ko ba kakampi kita mommy? What is this? Who is this?

"Levi, here she is. Your childhood friend." Tila pinapakilala ako sa bagong tao. "She's grown up now. Isn't she beautiful?" Mom said.

Lumalapit siya patungo sa lalaki habang ako ay nagpupumilit pumiglas.

"No! No! No! Ayaw kong lumapit! Help me! No way. Please help me!" Halos pasigaw kong pagpupumiglas. "Let go! Help me! Somebody!"

Kahit wala naman kaming kasama. Kahit na takot din ako sa ibang tao. I don't know why I shout for help.

"Blanca Nemesis! Please calm down," saway ni mommy.

"No! Mommy... don't... p-please!"

I was full alert when I saw the guy stood up to his seat. It's like danger is coming to me!

"No!" Malakas kong sigaw. Umiiyak na ako, I felt hopeless.

I was hopelessly trying to escape. Ipamimigay ba ako ni mommy? Pagod na ba siya sa akin? Who is Levi? I don't know him! My panic attacks are at the highest peak. Sumisigaw na ako ng malakas. Units are soundproofs but I was hopelessly praying that someone can hear me.

"Blanca! Calm down. It's not what you think he is." Mahigpit ang hawak sa akin ni mommy. Pinipilit niya pa rin akong lumapit sa lalaki.

Umiiyak ako, walang puwas. Umiiling. Nagpupumiglas pa rin. Ayaw ko na rito! Bitawan mo ako mommy!

You don't love me anymore. Ipamimigay mo na ako! What do you want from me? Somebody, help me!

"Levi is not a guy." Halos hindi ko marinig na sabi ni mommy.

Patuloy pa rin ako sa ginagawa. The guy just stood there and stared at me. I'm really messy now. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang hitsura ko.

"Blanca, dear, Levi is not a guy. He's gay. Hindi siya tulad ng ibang lalaki. Bakla si Leviticus, 'di ba, hijo? I mean, hija?"

Natigil ako. He's a what?

"Yes, Blanca." His deep voice said. "I'm gay, sis. You shouldn't be scared of me."

Everything stopped. I'm breathless. It just suddenly happened.

Nanlaki muli ang mga mata ko sa rebelasyon. I did not see that coming. Mula ulo hanggang paa ko siyang tinignan, walang marka ang pagiging babae sa kaniya. Are they playing tricks on me?

Although I'm doubting, I stopped pulling myself. Tumigil ako sa pagsigaw. Hindi na ako kailangan hilahin para makausap ng maayos. Suddenly, I became weird. I'm weirdly relieve and calm?

Kumunot ang noo ko, hindi ibig sabihin no'n ay maniniwala ako. His voice doesn't sound like.... you know... gay.

Matangkad siya. Malinis ang pagkakagupit ng buhok niya. Nakapantalon at nakat-shirt. Hindi siya lampayatot. Lalaking-lalaki ang tindig niya. I've seen some of them in magazines, newspaper and even in internet, it doesn't trigger me. Kaya alam ko kung ano ang pinagsasabi ko.

I know gays and what they wear. They may still wear men's clothes but some of them are determined by their movements, the way they talk or even just one look. Malalaman mo agad!

BUT HE'S TOO FAR FROM BEING ONE! I'm feeling weird. Why am I calm so now? Why do I feel relieved now?

"Anak, Blanca, he's your childhood friend, kuya Levi. His mother died weeks ago. Wala na siyang ibang pamilya at nag-iisa nalang siya sa buhay. I told him that he can stay here. I'm going to support his studies." Pagpapaliwanag ni mommy kahit na halos wala na akong maintindihan. "Don't even think I didn't consider your situation because I did many times. Naisip ko nang malaman kung ano talaga siya at kababata pa kayo— alam kong tatanggapin mo siya. He can help you in so many ways, right Levi?"

Nagkatinginan sila mommy. Tsaka ito bumaling sa akin at tumango. He looks so cold. Walang-wala sa kaniya ang pagiging bakla.

I'm not dumb, I know what is gay. I'm exposed to the internet.

Pabalik-balik ang tingin ko kay mommy at sa lalaki.

"Alam kong mahirap pa, hija. Just try, okay? I know you will try for me," mapait na ngumiti ang mommy sa akin.

Hindi na ako gumalaw pa sa kinatatayuan. Is this a dream? Please wake me up!

"I'm harmless, Blanca. It will take time but let's try." Sabi ng tinatawag ni mommy na Levi. His low baritone voice is making me confused.

I'm still speechless. Umabot hanggang dinner.

"Please get along, Blanca. He can be your sister at the same time brother. Alam kong maaalala mo rin siya. Hmm?" Mommy said while trying at the dining table.

On the next day, I didn't leave my room. Mom was waking me up but I just locked my door. Forget about the breakfast! I don't want to see him. Hindi ko pa rin tanggap! Natatakot pa rin ako pero hindi ko masabi-sabi kay mommy.

I swear I was just shocked. Probably, intrigued or was I taken aback? Betrayed? I don't know, I was feeling so many things at once.

I don't know what happened to me yesterday but I thought I was bewitched. Hindi ba gano'n 'yon? Parang majika na bigla ka nalang umayon sa isang bagay na ayaw mo. I swear there's some kind of sorcery behind it. I need to figure out what's going on, why am I suddenly living with a... boy... uhm... gay? Whatsoever!

Mommy left the unit with the boy later on. Hindi niya ako napilit na lumabas dahil alam niyang kakain naman ako kapag wala na sila. I know mommy can feel that I'm not yet ready—

She said she's not forcing me. Dahil wala naman akong sinabing ayaw ko talaga kagabi matapos malaman ang kaniyang pagkatao, I think she assumed that I'm alright with him living with us in one place.

I sighed. I should be getting ready for our lesson today. Mag-eextend pa naman kami ng isang oras dahil sa nangyari kahapon. It's alright though. My time will be diverted. Tama lang!

During our lectures, my mind was clouded. I'm not in this world.

"Blanca, focus. You didn't study, am I right?" Kinatok ng teacher ang mesa ko para gisingin ako.

"I... studied. I'm just... i'm sorry." Yumuko ako.

Humingang malalim ang teacher ko. "Please focus. Your exams are coming up! No special exams for you. Kahit homeschooled ka, sinusunod ko ang schedule ng exam ng school."

Madali namang na divert ang utak ko sa pag-aaral. I'm scared that I will fail.

Days went on with me. Gano'n lang ang set-up. Nasa kwarto lang ako the whole evening and when they leave in the morning, it's my space to breathe in.

Hindi pa kami nagkaroon ng interaction simula nang maipakilala siya sa akin pero walang araw na hindi ko na siya iniisip. It's just so weird. I'm suddenly curious about him. I couldn't forget, his... face?

Lagi akong nati-tempt na lumabas at sumilip. He's just in the guest room. Magkaharap sila ng kwarto ni mommy. Ginagamit ko kasi ang master's bedroom dahil kailangan ko ng maluwang na space. I'm homeschooled, so... I need the space for my well-being.

I wanna see him again. Sa mga araw na dumadaan, parang gumagaan na ang pakiramdam ko. I remember what mommy said, namatay na ang kaniyang mommy. Nag-iisa nalang siya sa buhay. Wala na ba siyang ibang pamilya?

But there's one thing I am very curious at—

He's gay. That person... with p***s is gay. I'm very eager to know how does it feel to be one?