Roses & Bullets

VII. Goodbyes

ERIK

"I told you guys. I don't want to talk about it," I say as I drive my truck to my parents' house. My father sits in the passenger seat while my mother sits in the back.

My mother is furious that I stormed out of Dr. Marshall's office without even finishing his session. She apologized to the doctor on my behalf.

"What the hell happened in there, Erik?" Her choice of words shocks both my father and me. Mrs. Daniels is known to be a sweet lady.

"I made a mistake. That's what happened."

"What do you mean? You weren't even there for twenty minutes when you walked out of his office. It was embarrassing!"

"Oh, it was embarrassing? I'm sorry that I embarrassed you, mom. Opening up to a f*****g stranger is not that easy, you know?

I mean, what exactly did you expect to happen? That I would pour my heart out to that shrink? That I would tell him everything that I tried so hard to forget?

That I would share with him what happened to me all those years overseas? I didn't even do that with you or with dad. I didn't tell you anything about those things, so tell me why the f**k would I open up to someone I don't know?!"

I'm breathing heavily by the time I'm done. I don't want to hurt my mother's feelings, but I need to prioritize what I'm feeling.

"You're right, son. You didn't tell us anything." This time, my father answers.

"You didn't tell us anything, and that's what hurts the most. Until now, your mother and I are hoping that you will have the strength to tell us what happened. We never pushed you to do it, though, and we know that in your own time, you will."

We all go silent. This is driving me crazy!

"I know it's painful, Erik." his mom said. "It also pains us to see you're hurting like this, but you have to let it out before-"

"Before what?" I look at my mother in the rearview mirror.

"Before it eats you from the inside."

I realize that she is crying. Great. This is perfect. Now I'm the bad guy.

I look at her in the rearview mirror again to apologize when, suddenly, a red car cuts me off and forces me to hit the brakes. The other cars behind us do the same.

"s**t!" I shout.

"Damn it! Are you okay, Beth?" my father turns to check if his wife is okay.

"Yes, I think I'm fine. How about you? Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, honey. Not a single scratch. Wait, Erik, what are you doing?"

The red car stops in front of us, so I furiously get out of the vehicle.

"Hey! Are you a f*****g i***t?! Don't you know how to drive?! Get out of your car, you moron!"

I'm now close to the car when the driver suddenly takes off. "Hey! What the hell?!"

I try running after it but immediately realize that it is useless. I can't make out the car's plate number from where I'm standing, so I go back to my truck. I start driving again.

"Is everyone okay?"

"Yes, we're fine." my father replies. "Are you okay, son?"

"I'm okay. Did you see that car's plate number?"

"No, son. I'm afraid not. When that driver cut us off, I immediately checked on your mom."

"I see. Are you all right, mom?"

"Yes. Let's just go home. And please drive carefully, Erik. I'm a little bit shaken."

I'm not the one who's driving like an imbecile.

"I can't believe we almost got into an accident because of that reckless driver," my mother says, almost in a whisper.

"I can't believe we didn't get his plate," I reply. "That man shouldn't be driving. He's one of those assholes who think they own the road."

"How did you know it was a man?" my father asks.

"Well, I got a glimpse of the back of his head. His windows aren't tinted, and he has short hair, so I assumed it was a man."

"Thank heavens, nothing bad happened to us." My father is shaking his head.

No one speaks after that. After fifteen long minutes, we finally get home. My father opens the truck door for my mother, and she steps out of the vehicle without saying a word.

She goes straight inside their house and to their room. I get out of my truck, too, and go to the kitchen. I open a can of soda and sit on the chair.

A few minutes later, my father joins me. He doesn't say a word. He just sits there, staring at the window.

"What are you thinking, dad?"

He sighs. "Nothing, son."

"Come on, tell me."

But nothing. He won't speak.

"You don't want to talk, dad? Fine. I'll do the talking. I'm in hell, dad. I'm in pain, and I'm exhausted. I want to sleep, but every time I do that, I dream about that place. I dream about my comrades who died in front of me.

I lie in bed every single night, hoping that I would have a peaceful sleep, but I guess that would never happen. I always dream, and it's just the same dream, and I'm so f*****g tired of having that nightmare that I would try my best not to fall asleep anymore. Do you think a doctor can help me?

Why? Because he can prescribe me some medicine for sleeping or whatever? You're wrong. You and mom are wrong.

No matter how many doctors I see, how many therapies I go to, or how much medication I take, nothing's going to change. It won't change the past. And that's my problem, dad.

That is my f*****g problem. I am living in the past."

I look at my father. His eyes are closed. When he opens them, tears rolled down his cheeks.

"I'm so sorry, Erik. It's my fault. I shouldn't have let you-"

"I decided to join the Navy SEALs, dad. Please don't blame yourself."

"Parents are supposed to protect their children, and I failed. I failed big time," he answers. "I shouldn't have allowed you in the first place."

Neither of us speaks for a moment. I take a sip of my soda, and then I break the silence.

"I'm leaving."

"What? Where are you going?" he asks me with confusion in his eyes.

"I don't know yet." I've been thinking about it for some time now.

"Son, please. If this is about therapy, then we won't ask you to do it anymore. We'll give you all the space that you need."

My father buries his face in his hands, "We just got you back."

"I'm doing this for us, dad. I don't want to be a nuisance to you guys anymore. You know what, actually, I'm doing this for myself."

He just stares at me like I just said something impossible.

"I need to heal, dad. I need to find some peace. I'm going somewhere quiet."

"What will you say to your mom?" I can hear the sadness in his voice.

"Well, I'm going to say goodbye."