A Whole New World : Bound

4. First Step, Therapy

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Ryan asked as we were walking up the steps to the office of a couples therapist.  It had been a week since we sat down and talked.  Ryan had basically moved into the spare room and even though we were trying to work through things, I refused to take this break he suggested and give into my curiosities.  I knew that I liked to push boundaries, but in some strange way it felt like cheating to me even though he gave me permission to look into it.  

My heart was in shambles and the one person I wanted to talk to about it was off limits.  Hunter was my best friend, but he was also close with Ryan.  Add in the swinging lifestyle and we both agreed that Hunter was just too close to everything.  This was the only other thing I could think of for us to try to get back to where we were.  I was a little surprised that Ryan agreed to it, but it also proved that he was not ready to give up either, which only made me feel a tiny bit better.

“I think it is worth a try.  We are having problems, neither of us is ready to give up but I know we can’t move forward until we get through this.  Who knows, there may be something else bothering you that you don’t realize.  Or me for that matter.”  I replied as honestly as I could while Ryan held the door open for me to enter the front door.  No matter how hurt or upset he is, he is still a gentleman.

“Fair enough.  I don’t know how well this will work, but I will try.”  He answered before I walked to the receptionist to check in for our appointment.  

We were called right into the office where we were greeted by an averaged aged lady wearing short heels, a pencil skirt and while blouse.  She stood tall, shoulders back and portrayed a confidence I only knew when I was at work.  This gave me the impression that she was really good at what she did.  She smiled and greeted us before inviting us to sit wherever we wanted.  As normal Ryan waited for me to choose a seat and followed to sit down beside me.  I could tell that she was observing us and making mental notes, but I did not feel judged at all.  She walked over to a nearby chair and sat down, grabbing a pen and pad of paper off the end table beside her.

“Okay, I will start.  My name is Olivia and I have been counseling couples for over 10 years now.  My sole purpose is to help you work through your issues as long as you are willing.  I read over your very long email detailing some of the things you are struggling with but I much prefer to hear it from the both of you.  I would like to ask each of you to take this white board and erasable marker and an eraser.”  She explained as she handed both of us these objects before continuing “I am going to ask you a few questions and I would like you to both write your personal answer on it.  Please answer for yourself and do not look at the other’s answer.  Even when I ask you to show me.  This may be hard, but it will give me an idea where to start.  Erase your answer after you have shown me.”

We both agreed in unison and she started asking her questions shortly after.

“Okay, Question 1- Are you happy with your career choices?”  We both write and place the board on our own laps.  Being an easy question, it does not take long to answer.  When we are both done, she asks us to show her.  (Ryan-yes, Bev-yes)  then we erase.

“Do you feel like you are in too much debt?”  We follow the same process as before (Ryan-No, Bev-Yes)

“Do you have many disagreements?” (Ryan-No, Bev-No)

“Do you find yourself giving in to appease the other?”  (Ryan-Yes, Bev-No)

“Do you think your opinion matters?” (Ryan-Yes, Bev-Yes)

“Do you feel you give as much as you receive?” (Ryan-No, Bev-Yes)

“Do you share household chores?” (Ryan-Yes, Bev-Yes)

“Do you have a healthy s*x life?” (Ryan- Oh yes, Bev- Hell yes!)

“Besides work, do you do everything together?” (Ryan-Yes, Bev-Yes)

“Do you think that you are part of the problem here?” (Ryan- No, Bev-Yes)

“Do you want to fix this?” (Ryan- Yes, Bev-Yes)

“Would you give up anything the other asked you to in order to move forward?” (Ryan-Yes, Bev-Yes)

“Okay, thank you.  I have somewhere to start.  For this to work though, you should both realize that there may be some things said here that may hurt the other’s feelings.  But in order to get to the root of the problems, you both have to agree to leave it in here.  Whatever we talk about, it can’t be brought up outside these walls and I will ask you continuously if either has tried to break this.  I like this approach because I want you both to think of this as your safe space.  Anything goes in this room, but stay respectful.  Ryan, can you tell me what was the first thing you noticed about Bev when you met her?”

WOW, she was going way back!  I wondered why she would ask about 20 years ago, but then I realized that she was trying to get us to think of why we liked each other initially.  Ryan answered her in his own charming way and we talked back and forth for the next hour.  It didn’t really feel like therapy, it felt more like just chatting with a friendly stranger on vacation if I was honest.  When the session ended however, that is when things got a little weird…

“I want to thank you both for being so open today and I think that you two truly love each other.  I am going to propose an unconventional approach to helping you and really-it’s up to you, but I hope you agree as I find that this will work best for you.”  Olivia spoke softly and confidently.  I knew we both wanted to fix this, so we both agreed immediately. She continued with the last thing I would ever expect to hear.  “Perfect.  I was hoping you would.  For the next 3 months, the only time you two will communicate will be in here.  One of you will need to either move to a spare room in the house or somewhere else.  For all intensive purposes, you will be taking a break.  If there is something like the mortgage that needs to be discussed, that is something that has to happen, but that is it.  No other small talk, pleasantries, mingling or anything like that.  I want you to live separate lives.  Make choices for yourself and not your partner.  The first week will be the hardest because you have learnt to depend on each other for everything.  What I want you to do is learn how to depend on yourself.  Discover some of the small things that makes you happy and you may also be surprised by some of the things the other normally does for you that you take for granted.  You are still married, just re-discovering yourselves again but for this to truly work, you have to commit to it.”

I was absolutely floored at what she was suggesting.  So many emotions started to fill me and I was having a hard time thinking clearly.  “So, you think we should separate for a month and only think of ourselves?  But you don’t even know what we are not agreeing on or lacking.  How can you suggest something like this without knowing what is going on?”  I rephrased what she had just said because it didn’t make any sense to me.  How could separating help us?  What if he chooses that he prefers to be alone?  What will happen then?  

My mind was reeling and out of instinct, Ryan moved his hand to rest on my lap to comfort me.  He knew that I was amazing in a work setting but when it came to stuff like this, it was very difficult for me to wrap my head around it.  His fingers gave a small squeeze before he pulled it away and spoke for himself.  “As unorthodox as your suggestion may seem, you are suggesting this so we see the everyday things that we take each other for granted for and maybe learn to appreciate them for it again?  Also, to maybe be a little bit independent too?”  

“That’s some of it, yes.  Marriage is hard and I am both surprised and confused at how this could be your first major argument.  Most couples learn to work through these things a lot earlier in the relationship.  You have been married for so long, yet you don’t know how to work through your differences.  By doing this, I hope you will discover more about each other as well as yourselves.  When you come back to therapy next week, you may be surprised at how much more you have to say.” Olivia agreed and tried her best to elaborate on her idea in an attempt to ease my mind more than Ryan’s.

We continued on talking for the remainder of the hour.  Olivia had us talk about what we admire about the other and small things that sometimes upset us, but we think are too silly to mention.  I knew it was her way of creating an open and safe place to talk and to begin opening up the floor for more, deeper conversations at a later date.  She allowed us to openly debate if we would like to try this course of therapy and after many thoughts and concerns shared, we decided that we would give it a try.  At the end of the day, we loved each other, we knew we had some problems and we both wanted to work through them.