A Whole New World : Bound

Difference of Opinion

As we sat there, eating our dinner I was struggling with how to bring up the topic yet again.  I already knew that if I did, Ryan would get upset.  I then thought about how we had been arguing about it non stop and I needed a break or a few days to calm down before things got too heated and we said things that you can’t take back.  Instead, I sat in silence eating my meal.  Apparently Ryan had nothing to say either as he did the same.  We both ate in silence and cleared the table.  It wasn’t until Ryan walked by the corner of the counter where that business card was sitting that he finally said something.

I saw it coming from across the room as I cleared the wine glasses.  He walked by the counter that had the business card, saw it, shook his head before putting the plates in the sink (not too gently I might add)

“Where were you hiding that?” he asked with a snarl in his tone as he hooded his head to the edge of the counter

“Honestly, it was in your pants pocket.  I was doing laundry today and I checked the pockets before I did the wash.  To tell you the truth, I thought you threw that out.”  I was being as calm and as honest as I could be because there is never a reason good enough to lie and he knew that I would never.  

“Oh, I must have forgotten about it.  Did you….you know, email him?”  He asked, but now sounded a little bit worried.

“What?  Of course I didn’t.  Honey, as much as we are disagreeing, I would never break our rules.  Those are just as sacred as our vows to me.  It is the sole basis to how we have made it work and for you to even ask me, means that you are doubting me now.”  I spoke, trying to fight a tear but could not stop my voice from cracking.  That hurt!  For him to even have to ask me meant that he no longer trusted me.  He has never said why he is so closed off to this, but for him to think that I would go behind his back and hide….well I just could not handle that.

“I’m sorry.  It’s just that we have been arguing about it a lot and I know we don't agree but I also know that you are used to getting your own way.”  He said softly, but that only fueled my fire.  Ryan was not always the best with words and sometimes what he said was not what he meant.  Almost always, I would be able to catch it and ask, but this being such a sore topic right now, I saw red!

“Excuse me?”  I snarled back at him while I rinsed off the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher and continued to question him “Do you think so little of me that if we didn’t agree on something then I would just go and do it anyways?  Well thank you for letting me know what you really think of me.”  I replied before storming out of the kitchen.  The dishes were not finished, but I needed to walk away.  I was fuming and needed to put a little space between us or I was about to blow.  I walked into the living room and threw on the news before flopping down on the couch.  Ryan continued to clean in the kitchen.  Personally, I was just waiting for him to leave and go do something so I could finish cleaning, but if he wanted to do it then that was fine too, but I needed time to cool off a little.

When he finished, he left to have a shower while I got up and finished folding the last load of laundry wondering how we had gotten to this point.  He said he was not upset with me for partaking in the display, but I could tell that there was more to it, he was just nor willing to tell me what it was.  We barely spoke anymore and we were supposed to be heading over to Mike and Tina’s this weekend.  I just didn't know how we would be able to manage getting through this week let alone time with our closest friends without them knowing that something was wrong.  I honestly felt like we were missing our spark.  

Ryan came out of the bathroom with only a pair of pj pants on, riding very low on his waist while drying himself off with a towel just as I was finishing up putting the laundry away and hanging the dress clothes in the closet.  My shoulders slumped because for so many years, just the sight of him walking into the bedroom like that would send me into a frenzy and I felt like we had lost our spark.  When we first began in the lifestyle, it was mostly because I was bisexual and we invited single women into our bed with us.  Over time, we progressed into couples and went to the clubs until we were fully involved.  It was fantastic, but I felt that we had lost ourselves along the way.  

I shook my head more at myself then anything because I realized that I was being a hypocrite.  How could I want to seek further into b**m if I realized that our foundation felt like it was in shambles?  I hung my head low and I hadn’t realized that Ryan had been watching me while he finished drying himself off.  When he saw that I was truly hurting, he dropped the towel, walked over and spun me around, taking me in his arms to comfort me and face him which made me feel even worse because I had realized how unfair I had been to him and yet, here he was comforting me!  But it felt so good to be held by him again.  It had been a long time since he has done this and I didn’t realize how much I had missed it until now.

“I’m sorry Ryan” I began, but I was still having a hard time finding the right words.

“I think we need to sit down and talk.” He offered, while rubbing my back and still trying to comfort me.  I only nodded before I stepped back and replied

“I think that’s a good idea.  Would you like to have it in here?” I asked before nodding my head towards the bed.  

You would not believe how much easier it is to talk through things when you are naked in bed and literally everything is out in the open.  We may be weird, but we found early on that it can be really freeing to discuss important things while you were naked and with no clothes it is kind of like you have nothing to hide behind.  We had done this many times over the years and I think it may have saved us from a few major blow outs too.  In the end, it also made it much easier because there were no clothes to remove when we finished talking and moved onto a much more enjoyable topic of s****l desires.

“I think this one should be clothed, in the living room.” He noted in a soft voice.

As soon as he said that, I had this nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach that made me want to throw up.  It was gnawing at me and I most definitely was not looking forward to this at all, but I nodded again and left the room to allow him a few moments to get dressed.  When he arrived in the living room, I already had drinks poured for us and I was sitting on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket.  I was trying to comfort myself with the blanket, but it was not working very well.  I still could not shake this feeling that my world was about to turn upside down and these next few moments would define our outcome.  As he sat down beside me, I hoped that he knew he was my whole world and nothing was as important to me then him.  But we both sat in silence as though neither one of us knew how to start talking.

    Finally after he drank half of his drink, he turned to me and spoke his mind.

“Bev, you know I love you and would do anything for you..” he began before becoming silent again.  I waited for him to continue, but it seemed as though he was fighting his own internal battle.

“Ryan, please...talk to me.  I don’t like this.  I don’t like how we seem to be on 2 different paths, 2 playing fields….heck, I am not even sure we are playing for the same team anymore…”  I pleaded for him to continue.  I slowly began to wonder if this argument that we have been having wasn’t really about b**m at all, that it was about something a lot bigger.

    Ryan took an exasperated breath before continuing “Something is not working for me anymore Bev.  I am not happy playing and I have spent a long time thinking about this.  The way I see it, we have 2 options.  We can step back together and only focus on us again for a while or we can both take some time for ourselves.”

“Are you giving me an ultimatum?  Like, not tell me what the root of your issues are, just do this or we split?”  I asked a little hurt, but more confused as this was totally out of character for him.  “Where did all of this come from?  I mean, we have had a rough time since New Years, but everything was fine before that, no?”  

With each moment that passed, the more upset I was becoming.  Not angry, but hurt.  We used to be the poster couple, never fighting or disagreeing at all and now, I am finding out that he has felt this way for a while?  When did we become so distant that we can’t talk to each other any more?  I continued to sit there on the couch, twisting one of the tassels on the couch pillow with my fingers, rolling it around in an attempt to not look at him.  I knew if I did, then I would break, crumble even.

He seemed to be choosing his words very carefully and deciding how to reply to me.  “For the past 6 months or so, I have felt us getting further and further apart.  I don’t like it any more than you do, but I can’t help how I feel.  I don’t want to lose you, but I just have this nagging feeling that if I do not let you test out this new found interest, then I will lose you for sure.”

“So, you want us to take a break?  After 20 years of marriage, you want to split up?” I asked, but still couldn’t bring myself to raise my head and look at him.

    “No..I am not saying that.  I love you with everything I have to offer but I just don’t think that is enough for you anymore.”  He spoke softly and I could tell that he was hurting.  No wonder why he had been keeping all of this in because I just kept asking for more and more.