Anhedonia

Isn't it what she wants?

"Will you be fine here?"

Jerry looked up from the floor to meet Hayley's eyes and nodded. "Yeah, thanks for accompanying me." He said and smiled weakly. He stared into nothingness and sigh. "I can't believe I finally told her." Jerry mumbled.

Hayley stared at her best friend with sympathy, she was feeling bad with herself because she had no idea about Jerry's case, the brunette didn't told her either, he never said anything regards on his illness. Because he doesn't want anyone to look at him like he's a crazy person, though he's really not, because losing interest with someone without even a big reason won't call craziness, right?

"Why didn't you told us Jerry?"

"I don't know, I got scared Hayley." Jerry sulked on his seat, hugging his knees on his chest and chin resting above it. "I felt scared that Rosie might think that her boyfriend is crazy or worst, she might misunderstood my Anhedonia to schizophrenia."

"Are you saying that Rosie is that dumb to think those two cases as one?" There's a glint of irritation in Hayley's voice that she didn't try to hide as she wants Jerry to know that the way of his thinking was really absurd.

"No, but the thought of Rosie leaving me because of my mental illness is enough to made me scared that time."

"So you chose to hide it from her and leave her instead?"

"Hayley.." There's a desperation in Jerry's voice, as if he was asking the older girl to stop, but Hayley needs an answer if why did Jerry hides about his condition, if why he chose to keep it for himself when there's a chance that if ever he told it sooner to Rosie, the blonde might understand him and help him, but Jerry chose the other way around, which is leaving Rosie on the exact day of their wedding day.

"Jerry, you should've told her, we're on it, you already had that illness but you forgot that Rosie loves you no matter what."

"I know, that's why I ran after her but she was already gone."

"Because you hurt her."

"And you're hurting me now, can you please just tone it down? I mean, I called you because I need someone to cry on but you're here, scolding me for being stupid." Jerry whines.

"As it should Jerry Kim, we would've prevented everything that is happening right now if only you had said something about your illness immediately." Hayley scolds, she's near to outburst but she's holding back as Jerry's eyes starts to glimmer in tears again. Hayley get on her knees in front of her best friend, looking up to the brunette to locked their eyes together. "Listen, I know that it's already in the past, but I still want you to know that if ever something like this happen again, don't hesitate to tell me, to us. We're here to help you, you're not alone."

"Hayley..." Jerry pouted like a kid and pursed his lips, as if he was trying to prevent himself from weeping but he failed when his tears betrayed him. Hayley wrapped her hands around Jerry's face, it was a heart breaking sight to see her best friend helplessly crying in front of her.

"It's ok sweetie, I know you've been through a lot so it's ok to cry, but we will not letting you to suffer alone again, we're here, let's help each other. From now on, you have to tell us what's going on with you, understand?" Jerry was like a child cooed by her older sister, he nod his head fervently while nipping his lower lip and tears kept streaming down. "And for Rosie.."

"I know Hayley, don't worry. It might be hard for me but I will try to forget my feelings for her." If waiting in vain is hard for him, what more forgetting his feelings for the blonde? He loves her, God, he really do. But what can he do? Rosie is getting married two months from now. He needs to accept it and face the reality, he wasted his chance and now all that's left to his is repentance.

Jerry sobbed and wipe hisvown tears using the collar of his shirt, Hayley retreated when Jerry stood, he walked to one of his drawer and took a brown envelope from it and pad back to Hayley.

"What's this?" Hayley asked when Jerry gave her the envelope.

"That's my last result after my last visit to my psychiatrist."

Hayley nodded before opening the brown envelope and read what's inside it. Her brows furrowing upon reading what's written on the white paper while Jerry staring at her and gauging for her reaction.

After reading the result, Hayley releases a lungful sigh and stood up. She smile at the younger guy warmly before spreading her arms, asking for a hug. Jerry smiled back and wrapped his arms around Hayley's body, resting his head on her shoulder.

"I'll accompany you in your every schedule." Hayley utter cautiously and she felt Jerry nods against her shoulder. "You'll be fine, Jerry."

"Just please don't let Liam go with me if you're not free."

"Why? He might be a dork but I know he can help you too."

"I just don't want your husband to tease me while I'm in the middle of the talk with the psychiatrist." Jerry said chuckling and tip back to retract himself from Hayley. He knows that it's not a good idea if Liam is inside the same room as him, they couldn't help but to bicker in every second passing by and they might stress the psychiatrist instead.

Hayley giggles and shook her head three times, thinking that Jerry is right, Liam might not stop himself to tease the brunette because they were just like that, as if it's on they trait to tease each other even if they are in any kind of situation.

"Let's start unpacking your things, Akisha must've been waiting for me." Hayley said and dragged one of Jerry's suitcase in front of the brunette's closet. "Thanks God you didn't think of selling this house."

"I should've sell it, we have a lot of memories here and it will not help me if I can see our happy memories in every corner of this house."

Hayley stopped from fixing Jerry's stuff and looked over her shoulder. "So what is your plan?"

"Can I stay with you until I find a new place, please?" A little creased in Jerry's forehead was so adorable for Hayley's eyes, this side of her best friend is one of those rare moments that she got the chance to witness. Jerry used to smile and show his gummy smile, but he can be more intimidating at times, but this? The Jerry who looks like a lost child is such a good sight to see for the older girl.

Hayley chuckled and sigh after, she retrieved all the stuff that she unpacked and zip the suitcase, picks up Kuma and jolt her head towards Kai's stroller. "Let's go home then."

----

The moment Jerry and Hayley arrives at Manoban's house, Liam stepped out of Akisha's room while massaging her temple, her gaze darts up at the two best friends with a frown face.

"What took you so long to get home." He said, frown deepening. "Akisha gave me a hard time."

"Why are you here? Aren't you're supposed to be with Rosie?" Hayley asked in confusion while putting down Kuma who runs immediately towards Liam's cats and bark, that Jerry had to pick him up again to shushed him. Hayley was confused because the last time they saw each other, he was rushing to Rosie's unit and expecting her husband to console his best friend.

"Well, Rosie told me that she wants to be alone, not exactly alone because her fiancé was there, not totally there but they're face timing each other so yeah." The younger guy explained and stood in front of them. "And my work? I've already rescheduled everything for tomorrow because I badly needed a good sleep but your daughter, Oh God! Your daughter Hayley!" Liam's face fell into much deeper frown and throw his arms in the air.

"What did she do?"

"She kept whining and asking where is Rosie!"

"What did you say?" Hayley's voice keep monotonous and was staring at her husband as if she was about to snap but refraining herself. Not because Liam was complaining about their child, but the fact that he starts complaining even if Jerry was standing behind her, makes her feel more irritated as she already are after learning that she left Rosie alone.

"Listen, I told her that Rosie is busy about adult's matter and yes, I can see Jerry behind you, what's up shorty?" Liam greets quickly and Jerry held his middle finger to Liam but the latter ignore it and his gaze shifts back to his wife. "Are you mad that I left Rosie?"

"What are you expecting dumb dumb?"

"Ok, hear me out. It's not really my will to go home and I don't want to leave her alone as much as possible because I know she needs me after you know?" He motions his finger and scrunched up his nose before continuing his explanation. "But she pushed me out so what can I do? And besides, I want to talk to this shorty." Liam finished his explanation and he tilt his head sideways to glanced at Jerry at the back.

"What do you want to talk about me?" Jerry asked and pad towards the couch, sitting his exhausted physical body while massaging his temple with his free hand.

"You lied to me, what the f**k was that, Jerry?"

"What are you talking about?" Jerry asked in confusion, turning his head a bit to face the younger guy.

"You said you were just hanging around every Wednesdays and Saturdays, you f*****g i***t!" Liam hissed at him and storms towards the brunette, making Jerry to retreat back.

"Hey! What the–." Jerry's arms were already at his front covering himself from Liam's attack but he gets astounded when Liam pulled him for a hug, instead of hitting his head.

"You're such a biggest dumbass than me." Liam muttered against Jerry's neck. Surely, they used to bicker, to banter, to bite each other's neck, but not now, not when Liam found out that Jerry hides his illness but he kept dissing the brunette from hurting his best friend, not when he learned that Jerry been through a lot and just pretending that he was fine all this time.

Jerry went from stiff to soft very quick when he felt Liam's shoulder shakes. His trembling hand slowly lifting up and patted Liam's back in slow motion. "Sorry buddy." He mumbles.

Liam pulled away and hold Jerry's shoulders, he stared at the brunette's eyes. "Are you ok now? I mean, I know Anhedonia isn't that bad but I still want to know."

"I'm fine, but I still need to meet my psychiatr–."

"I'll go with you."

"W-what? No! Your wife already volunteered, so yeah, just focus on your job." Jerry refused while shaking his head furiously, but Liam ignores him and he stood up.

"It's decided Jerry Kim, I'm coming with you and that's final." He said firmly and pad near his wife to take Jerry's suitcase from Hayley's hands. "I'm bringing your stuff upstairs." He said before dragging the suitcase upstairs.

When Liam was already away from their earshot, Jerry released lungful sigh. "Such a persistent person."

"Well, at least he's concern, but I'm thinking about Rosie, how did she react? After you told her everything." Hayley wondered and sat beside the brunette.

"I don't know, but she seemed like shocked after I told her my reason." Jerry shrugs and lay his head into his best friend's shoulder. "But I guess, she doesn't give a f**k anymore, and just like what Liam had said, she was face timing her fiancé, does it look like she was concern?"

"Not because she's talking with her man, doesn't mean she doesn't care at all."

"Nah, I don't care, just do what she wants and I'll do mine." Jerry said dismissively, Hayley side glanced the younger and smile weakly, she knows that it's Jerry's anhedonia, not her best friend. "I want to take a nap Hayley." Jerry yawns while covering his mouth and his eyelids slowly fluttering. Hayley reached Jerry's face to caress them soothingly and she bit her lower lip when she felt a shed tears silently falling down from Jerry's face, she turn a bit to kiss his head before laying down her head above Jerry's.

Liam watches them from upstairs, he felt the familiar pang on his chest while staring at his wife's best friend, he's hurting for the both of them, Jerry and Rosie aren't just nobody, they are part of Liam's family and seeing them falling into pieces was unbearable feelings and which further gave him the dedication to carry out his plan. He sigh before turning his heels and head straight to Akisha's room to talk to his daughter.

——

"Did you cry?"

"Hmm-yeah." Rosie hums and touched the puffiness under her eyes. "Do I look bad?"

"Nah, never will. You're the most beautiful girl in the world."

Rosie supposed to feel fluttery after hearing Jayvee's words, but no, she never did, she never felt any kind of emotion every time her fiancé would say any compliments. She appreciates them, of course, she's a normal woman who loves such as compliments. But she never felt anything, like a butterflies on her stomach, cheeks burning in blush or even heart beating fast, none of them.

"Thank you." Rosie said with a small smile curved on her lips. "When will you be arrive?" She asked to advert their topic.

"Next week, I just need to finish this tour."

"Ok then, just be safe."

"I will ma'am." Jayvee replied with a playful salute. "See you in two weeks?"

"Yeah, see you." She was forcing her lips to form a wide smile but it's unnoticeable for Jayvee as he can see the sadness on his fiancé's eyes, contrary of the smile she was showing. "Gotta go, I need to clean my place."

"Oh uhm, ok. It's also time for my rehearsal." He was nodding his head understandingly but the sadness on his face are visible, he just had the chance to talk to his fiancé after the blonde went home but she was already in a hurry to drop the call. Who wouldn't feel bad with that? But he's already used by it, after all, Rosie isn't that kind of person who talks a lot nor hold a long conversation with him. Or maybe she's just like that with him? "So.."

"I'll call you again once I finished everything."

"Ok then, I miss you babe and hope to see you sooner I love you!" Jayvee immediately turned off the call after his words because he wasn't expecting for his fiancé to hear the words he wanted to hear, after all, Rosie never did answer his I love you's, she never did, but he's fine with it, especially when Rosie said Yes to him. That's enough for Jayvee to still marry the girl even if he never heard those three words from her, because he knows that eventually, once they get married, familiarity would help him.

Rosie closed her laptop and sigh exasperatedly, she stood up from her chair and throw her body on her bed, the moment her body touched the soft mattress, the same time Jerry's scent lingers on her nose. She reached for one pillow and hug it, squeezing the soft and fluffy thing against her chest, burying her face onto it. A lone tear escaped from her left eye and just like that, the floodgates open once again.

This is what Rosie fears to happen, when she saw Jerry, all her hard work would go wasted, the years of gaining herself, the walls she built to protect her from pain four years ago, all of that, she wasted all of that just because Jerry told her the reason why he ditched their wedding.

Isn't it what she wants? To know Jerry's reason? To know why did Jerry chose to break her? But why she can't help herself to stop from crying?

Jerry's reason isn't what as she thought, she carried the hate and anger on her chest for a wrong reason. She hated Jerry for tearing her apart just because she never listened to him. And now that she know everything, the guilt suddenly kicked in for leaving Jerry behind without even asking him. After all this years, yet she's still considering Jerry's feelings. She learned that Jerry ran after her, look for her and wait for her to come home, only to find out that she's engaged and getting married in two months.

"You're stupid Jerry!" Rosie mumbles on the pillow that has Jerry's scent. "Why didn't you tell me? I shouldn't have left you if you told me! I shouldn't have met Jayvee and said yes to him when he proposed to me in front of his thousand fans. You're stupid! I hate you!" Rosie pretends that Jerry is the pillow, she punched it, slap it, shout at it and hug it at the end, a very tight hug, as if her life depends on it. "I hate you so much! But I hate myself even more...because even if it's already four years ago, it's still you."

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