Anhedonia

We're friends

Jerry woke up with puffy eyes and headache, crying until he fell asleep is one of his habits aside from drinking inside the room he was occupying in Manoban's house. Sometimes, he drinks with Liam, sometimes with Seul-ki but since Juhyun gave birth to their first born child, Seul-ki needs to take care of his wife and son. So Jerry left with Liam, they will talk, bicker, banter and cried together.

He never left his room, even if he know that Rosie were outside, he never did try to go out. Unless he needs to take care some matters in his company or if he needs to meet his psychiatrist, but other than that, he never thought of going out and chose to stay inside his room from day to night.

Akisha never missed to knock on his door every single day and they will play. Even the kid know what's the situation, Hayley and Liam already told their child that she should never ask her uncle Jerry to go outside just to play with her broken and sulking uncle, but she's Akisha, the daughter of the most stubborn person inside their family— named Liam.

"Play with me outside." Akisha said, after she got bored inside Jerry's room with limited games that they could play.

"I can't." Jerry replied, picking up the joystick from the floor and wrapped up the new set of PSP.

"Why? Are you crippled? Did you turn into vampire that the sun is not allowed to stroke your skin because you'll turn into ash?" The irritation clearly visible on Akisha's voice.

"Sort of." Jerry tells her with a light chuckles and turned to face the little girl. "Why don't you go play with your aunt outside? She's here right?"

"You are my favorite playmate."

"And?"

"And playing with you is all I want because I miss you."

Jerry felt a sudden guilt and he can hear the pure sadness on the kid's voice but what can he do? he's still not fine, he can finally admit to himself that he's not fine, he doesn't need to wear any mask anymore because everyone already know his pain except from the kid that's staring at him with his puppy eyes, and in that case, he still need to wear his mask in front of Akisha.

He stared at her for five seconds then he started lost counting for how many seconds he stared at the kid's doe eyes, it really resembles Liam's eyes, no doubt that the kid was his.

"Let's go to the park." Jerry mumbles under his breath after finally accepting that he got lost from the puppy doe eyes in front of him and the kid's eyes flickered, the smile slowly registers on her lips. "Go tell your mommy Hayley that we're going out."

"Thank you!" The kid beams and throw her arms on Jerry's neck and leave a smooch on his cheek before running out of the room enthusiastically, skipping and jumping happily.

Jerry sighs and his face dropped, he slowly stood up from the floor and released another sigh before walking on his closet and grabbed the most comfortable hoodie and brush his hair using his white chalk slim finger. He saw his own reflection on the full length mirror and he forced himself to put smile on his face but it was hideous and his face dropped again.

"I looked like shit." He murmured.

"Yeah, but still handsome as ever." Hayley's voice appeared behind him and he looked at his best friend through the mirror reflection. "Akisha told me that you're going out?"

"She's so persistent and she looked like Liam earlier, she irritates me." Jerry joked making the older girl to laugh softly and slapped his shoulder as she walked over the brunette. "Is she ready?"

"She's getting ready, Rosie is helping her to get dress."

Jerry's frowns fell deeply upon hearing the blonde's name from his best friend but chose not to say a word and just walked over his table to grab his set of keys and phone.

"We'll be back before dinner." Jerry said trying to avoid to have a conversation about the blonde as much as possible. He's still in pain– too much pain, and talking about his ex ain't really good for his mental health.

"Are you ok?" Hayley asked, her voice graced with concern.

"No, but I need to be okay in front of Akisha."

"I was hoping you would say that." Hayley shrugged her shoulders and walked towards the closet and pulled another hoodie and shoved it in Jerry's chest which caused the latter to c****d an eyebrow. "I love Rosie Park." She said while pointing at the brunette's chest.

"Oh shit." Jerry hissed when he saw the printed name on his shirt. He immediately take it off and throw it on the trash bin on the corner of his room. He grabs another shirt from his closet but he made sure that there's no printed name of his ex in it. "Some people are dumb to put their ex's name in their shirt."

"And that people, is you." Hayley chuckled while shaking her head.

"Yeah, not gonna lie." Jerry laugh awkwardly. "I used that shirt when I go out of the country to find her, just in case someone might talk to me because they know her."

"Good thing you didn’t think to spread flyers just to find a missing person."

"I was about to.."

"Seriously?" Hayley asked in disbelief.

"Yeah." The brunette shrugs.

"That is so not you, Mr. Kim."

"Well, love changed me and this pain..." He pointed his chest as he trailed off his words. "— will make me a better person."

"As you should, pain will eventually gone, but the scars will remain, so you better learn from that and never do it again."

"Yes ma'am, now move and get your daughter, I'll use the backdoor to exit this house." Jerry shooed his best friend and pushed her towards the door.

"Fine fine." Hayley laugh as she let the guy push her out of the room. She was about to walk away when Jerry called her.

"Hayley." She looked over her shoulder and wait for the guy to continue his words. "Thank you so much."

"Thank you isn't enough, treat my daughter like she's yours and we're even."

"I always treat her like my own child."

"Then we're good, hope y'all have a good time today."

"We will." Jerry said with a soft smile curved on his lips before he shut the door. The moment the door closes, he leans his forehead against it and released a loud sigh after he accidentally saw the blonde walking out of Akisha's room. "She's so pretty." He mumbled and let out a much deeper sigh.

___

Jerry decided to take the back door of the house to avoid the blonde in the living room, he took a quick turn as soon as he reached the bottom of the stairs and make his way to the backyard, then decided to walk around the back of the house until he reached the driveway in front. He immediately hopped inside his car and turn on the engine while waiting for the kid to get in.

He looked at the front door but when he saw Rosie, he dipped his face on the steering wheel and released another sigh. His heart couldn't take the sight of his ex girlfriend, the continuous pang inside his chest makes him want to cry but he doesn't want to. He doesn't want Akisha to interview him over and over again if why he'd cry for. After a few minutes, the door open and the car move a bit before the door shut closed with a thud.

"Finally, it's been 84 years before you—." Jerry suddenly stopped on his sentence when he lifted his head and met a pair of his favourite brown chocolate orbs.

"S-sorry, she insisted me to come." Rosie said shyly. Jerry snapped his head at the front door and see Hayley, smiling at him apologetically.

"I invited her to go with us since she's here and want to play with me." Akisha said while smiling toothily. She waved her hand to her mom and looked back to Jerry, who's still not moving in his spot, as if he suddenly want to back out, jump off of the car, run back inside his room and lock himself till he calm down his heart that's beating frantically inside his chest. "Let's go uncle Jerry!"

The kid shouted but Jerry seems couldn't hear her, he feels like every sound around him became muffled, everything began spinning, he's getting dizzy and he's breath got stuck in his lungs and he's losing oxygen. He knew he needed to breathe but he couldn't do it, being in a small space with Rosie suffocates him.

"I won't go if you're not comfortable." Rosie said, snapping Jerry to his miserable situation. He looked up to see the blonde through the rearview mirror and met a pair of eyes, looking at him with concern.

"It's okay." He managed to say and shifts the gear. He pulled out the car from Manoban's driveway without saying anything again and he drive carefully to the park where they always go.

Rosie tried herself to stay silent, but since Akisha been talking to her since they left the Manoban's driveway, she couldn't help but to steal multiple glances at the driver whenever Akisha will ask Jerry, who decided to just shake or nod his head in every questions.

She was glad when Akisha invited her to go with them because she wants to talk to Jerry about his condition, though she don't know how to start conversation with the guy, she's too awkward to make a first move and they were just not entirely awkward because there's Akisha who wouldn't stop from talking like her Dad.

Until they arrived to the park where they always spend their weekend when they are still together. It's not Jerry's will to bring his ex girlfriend to their place, it's just that, Akisha wants to spend her time with the ex couple in that place.

Jerry parked the car in the space lot and Akisha immediately pushed the door open on her side but Jerry was too quick to hopped out and catch the child when she leaped off.

"Jesus Akisha! You might hurt yourself!" Jerry scolds but the kid just smiled at him and wiggle her body.

"Put me down, Uncle."

"No." Jerry insisted as he walked back to the front to get his car key and he made sure that Rosie already got off before he lock the doors. "If you got hurt, your mom will kill me."

"That's not gonna happen, she loves you so much!"

"You never know." Jerry hissed before he made his way to the bench near the tall tree of cherry blossom. He carefully put the kid down and he sat next to her. "Now what do you wanna play?" He asked, trying his best to avoid looking at the blonde who's standing in front of them.

"I want to try that swing!" The kid pointed and she jumped off of the bench, tugging Rosie with her and they ran towards it.

"Slow down." Rosie rebuked but still giggling at the kid's giddiness.

"Sit there and I'll sit here." The kid instructed. Rosie occupied the swing next to Akisha while making sure that the kid won't fall. "You might wanna push me?" Akisha asked the guy who was just watching her from the bench.

"You don't get to instruct just like that." Jerry said with straight face, which made the kid to pout and crossed her arms. "Stop that, you can't get me with that pout."

"I'm telling mom!"

"Jeez! Fine, you're lucky I'm scared to your mom." Jerry said defeatedly as he stood up and walked around the swing and stood behind the kid, pushing the swing slowly.

"Aren't the two of you gonna talk?"

"What for?" Jerry asked, he didn't mean to sound bitter, but it came out like that, which caused the blonde to scoffed. "I mean, I came out because you want to play with me."

"Yeah right, you invited me to play with you too." Rosie huffed.

"But—."

"Let's just play and we don't have to talk because there's nothing to talk about." Jerry said to cut off Akisha.

"Actually Jerry—."

"Please, I'm trying my best not to speak with you because I'm still in a process of moving on, might as well help me and don't talk to me if it's not about Akisha."

"You're always like that, avoiding every conversation as much as possible, you never changed!" Rosie said ruggedly as she stood up from the swing abruptly.

"And you changed." Jerry said meaningfully.

"Because you made me changed."

"You're welcome then." Jerry sarcastically said and he pick up the kid and brought Akisha back to the bench. "What do you want to play?"

"Are you guys fighting?" Akisha asked innocently.

"No, and don't force me to speak with her again or we'll fight for real."

"I'll wait in the car then." Rosie said behind them and marched her way out of the park to get to the parking lot.

"Now we can play in peace." Jerry said without even sparing a glance at the blonde.

"You pushed away my playmate." Akisha said with a pout, her bottom lip sticking out and in any minute, she's about to cry.

"I didn't! She said she'll wait— fine fine, don't cry. You can call her again to play with us." Jerry cooed but Akisha didn't respond and whipped her head on the other side. "What now?"

"Get her back!" Akisha said firmly.

"No, you get her back and I'll wait here."

"You're the one who pushed her away!"

"I didn't pushed—."

"You did!" Akisha insisted and she started to cry.

"Fine, I did!" Jerry sighs loudly and he stood up. "Let's go." He extend his arm to the kid. "I'm not gonna leave you here alone, someone might kidnap you."

"Carry me then."

Jerry pursed his lips into thin line but still complied, he tugged the kid up and carry her between his arms before they followed Rosie to the parking lot. They arrived at the said place but no Rosie near the car, Jerry felt a bit panic, his head turning left and right to look for his ex girlfriend but he can't seem to find her.

The feelings he felt when Rosie decided to leave the country, suddenly came back. The pain when Rosie left that day, he felt it again, he began to feel anxious and uncomfortable. He walked around the parking lot but still none, he couldn't see the blonde.

"F-Fuck.." He mumbled, fully forgotten that he's carrying a kid between his arms.

"Hey, calm down." Akisha tried to get his attention but to no avail, Jerry started to have panic attack, his breathing became ragged and his body began to vibrate. "Uncle Jerry, look at me!" Akisha cupped his face and forced the latter to face her. "Calm down.."

"She l-left me."

"She already did, four years ago." Akisha said, getting Jerry's attention, and with that, his tears fell down to his face.

"R-right."

"Now you need to calm down."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"I think we should go home." Akisha said worriedly but Jerry shook his head in disapproval.

"I.. I'm sorry, I shouldn't— I mean, yeah."

"Can you drive?"

"Y-yes."

"What happened?" Akisha and Jerry looked behind them to see Rosie looking at them confusedly, then her eyes softened and got worried upon seeing Jerry's tears. "Why are you crying?"

"Where have you been?" Jerry asked back, didn't know where that question came from.

"I bought you an ice cream."

"For what?" Jerry asked again.

"I don't know, I just felt the need to buy you this." Rosie said as she lifted up the plastic bag.

"See? There's nothing to worry about." Akisha said in a happy tone. "Let's go back to that bench and eat that ice cream."

"I thought we're going h—."

"I changed my mind." Akisha cut off and she wiggled her body so Jerry could put her down and the latter obliged, then she take the plastic from Rosie's hand and ran back to the park and to the bench where they sat earlier.

Rosie and Jerry looked at each other and shrugged they shoulders before they followed the kid. They sat next to Akisha on both sides while the kid handed them the ice cream and they ate in silence while watching the other kids playing at the field.

"I want to join them." Akisha said after she finished her ice cream.

"Then go there, I'll watch you here." Jerry said and the kid kissed his cheek quickly before running towards the other kids.

Silence engulfed the two ex couple while watching Akisha from their spot. Both sighing simultaneously, as if they are trying to compose themselves, until Rosie decided to break the silence between them.

"I'm sorry about earlier, I shouldn't have acted like that."

"No, I am the one who needs to be sorry for acting so arrogant." Jerry shook his head with a dry chuckles.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

"Why didn't you tell me that you have—."

"Because I'm scared, that you might think I'm crazy." Jerry cut her off.

"You really think of me that way?" Rosie asked a bit irritated.

"No, that's why I regretted everything." He turn his head to looked at Rosie and smile sadly. "But it doesn't matter anymore. You're getting married."

"You came to Australia to looked for me."

"Yep, in every corner of the world." Jerry chuckled. "But just like what I've said, it's hard to find a person who doesn't want them to find."

"Yeah." Rosie sighs. "I was so devastated and decided to hide."

"I'm sorry, I put you in that place."

"Let bygone be bygones." Rosie shrugs.

"Right, let's just be friends instead."

It pains Rosie with those words, but she decided to play it cool and nod her head instead.

"I hope you go to my wedding."

"I can't promise, but I'll try. After all, we're friends."

"Yeah." Rosie replied, though it hurts to accept it, but Jerry is right. They should stay as friends, it's too late for them to fix it because she's getting married and it seems that Jerry already accepted that he already lost to the battle that he didn't even try to fight if he'll win or not.

"I love you, Rosie. I still did and always do, but I think it's time to close our book and let me write another story of my life without you in every chapters of it."

"I agree."

______