Beyond The Square One (BTSO2)

S q u a r e T w e n t y - F i v e ( H E )

As the door closes behind her, I let out the air I didn't realize I've been holding.

'Way to go,' my little angel nags.

Hindi ko siya pinigilan. I want to clearly establish the fact that she can do whatever the hell she wants and I wouldn't object. But the thing is...

I'm so scared.

I'm scared for her to get used to this because I know I wouldn't. It may sound gay, but believe me, I let myself devour in silent tears for the first time because it's too much. Ang sakit. Sobrang sakit.

Sobrang sakit na hayaan siyang umalis ng kwarto na parang hinahayaan ko rin siyang umalis sa buhay ko. This pain is nothing compared to what I felt last night when I saw her with Cash. And I know I'm hurting her, too. But because this is who I am, I will not object if she gets her head straight once more and leave me for being like this. Alam ko naman na ito rin ang dahilan why she left. I'm such a mess. Everything I touch gets destroyed and she's not an exemption. And I don't want to destroy her. Normal people don't just go about destroying other people. And showing too much care has made me a vulnerable person. I hate being vulnerable.

Two hours of sleep in total. I'm already up by six am and ready for work in fifteen. That's when I notice that she already left for work, about five minutes before I woke up. Or at least that's what the time of her simple blank text says so.

"Boss, pinaaabot ni Madam."

I just nod my thanks to Pamela when she hands me a cup of caramel macchiato to-go by eight in the morning. If she's avoiding me, I can't blame her. In fact, I'll help her with that. To make sure our paths won't cross, I decide to visit Fuentebella Domaines for a change.

"Good morning, boss!" everyone who recognizes greets me.

I walk into my office and ask Pamela to look for the operating officer. After an ambush board meeting, I decide to visit the bank and see if we can try to look for a new manager for our only branch here in the Philippines.

So half of my day is in FD while the other half is in FIB. By five in the afternoon, I'm back in the mortgage.

"Boss, nagpunta ng clinic si madam kanina, mga thirty minutes ago, nananakit daw kasi 'yung braso niya."

"Where is she now?"

"Hindi pa bumabalik, boss. Baka nasa clinic pa."

Even when I don't want her to see me caring too much again just because she's in the clinic, it's still my responsibility as the owner to make sure of my employees' well-being. Kahit hindi bilang fiancé ko, at least bilang empleyado ko, I'll check on her.

"Boss, naka-akyat na," the nurse says.

"How is she?"

"Binigyan ko na ng pain reliever, boss. Stressed na stressed ata si madam, e. Sabi ko nga, mahirap gumaling kapag masyadong maraming iniisip. At mas mahirap magpagaling kapag masyadong maraming dinaramdam."

"Oh... Okay," I say. Honestly, what can I say to that?

"Alam mo boss, sabi ko kay madam, 'yung binigay ko sa kaniya para lang sa pilay niya 'yon. Kung may iba pang masakit, baka hindi na gamot ang kailangan niya."

I just stare at her.

"May mga sakit kasi na hindi nadadaan sa gamot."

"You know, you talk too much. But thank you for taking care of her. In case she gets back, just give her what she needs, alright?"

She gives me a playful salute before I disappear out of her sight. And yes, I notice, too. That's a weird conversation.

I come across Regis who's walking out of the production floor after the elevator doors open.

"Is she there?" I ask.

"Wala pa dito, boss. Kakatawag nga lang na baka hindi na siya makabalik, e."

My brows furrow. "What? Wait. I just came from the clinic to check on her but she just left. The nurse said..." And words fail me, probably because of the stupid realization that she's still in the clinic, listening as the nurse gave me that stupid advice. Like how she tricked me when I thought she's leaving for Australia but she was just listening to the whole conversation I had with her brother.

Perhaps she's waiting for me to show a sign of concern. Trust me, I'm dead worried. But now, she probably thinks I just came to the clinic for the sake of knowing.

"Where are her things?"

"Kabababa lang ni Pamela, boss. Pagbukas nitong elevator na sinakyan mo, kasasara lang no'ng sinakyan niya pababa. She has madam's things."

No more shits, I walk my way back to the elevator. Kapag ganitong I'm trying my best to stay away for a while and she does the same thing, I feel paranoid.

"O, boss? Clinic?"

"Where's Ariel?" I ask Pamela who's about to walk into the elevator.

"Boss, nakaalis na. Ano ba kayo, nasa iisang office na lang hindi pa kayo magtagpo," she says with a perplexed smile.

Jesus, what the hell, are we playing hide and seek here? I walk back into the elevator and press 'G'.

"Have you seen Ariel?" I ask the guard.

"Wala pang bumababa, boss."

What the actual... Wait, how about I use my phone to call her, right? I'm so stupid.

After three rings, she finally picks up. "Yes?"

"'Yes?' What the hell, Ariel? Where the fvck are you?"

There's a long pause before she answers, "Taxi. Pauwi. Is everything alright?"

"'Is everything alright?' Is that even a question? Bakit hindi ka nagpaalam na aalis ka na pala nang hindi sana ako nag-aalala dito? Are you intentionally trying to stay away from me?"

"Ako ba talaga ang tinatanong mo niyan? Bakit, nagpaalam ka ba na aalis ka? Ibabalik ko 'yung tanong mo, are you intentionally trying to stay away from me?"

With an exhausted sigh, I give her the honest answer. "Yes and I hate it."

"Now you know how it feels."

And with that, the line goes off. I inwardly curse myself with frustration, heading back into the elevator to get home. And there she is, with a huge bag of her clothes and still trying to stuff everything in.

"What the hell are you doing?" I ask, horrified.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm packing."

"Don't be stupid. I meant why." Too far? Well, I can't help it when I'm pissed off as hell.

"May Subic tayo sa Saturday, 'di ba?" she asks without even bothering to look back at me.

"You really think I'm that stupid to buy that? Who the hell brings their whole closet to a two-day off?"

She closes her bag in a harsh zip and finally faces me. "No one!" she yells, walking out.

And like instinct, I follow her and stand in her way to the door. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Eric, please, I'm so not in the mood to play your games. Get out of my way."

"Get your things back in our room. You're not going anywhere."

"Sige, sakalin mo lang ako lalo sa pamamahay mo if you want me to keep on hating you more."

"You don't hate me. You could have left the moment you had your chance no'ng wala pa ako kanina. You just hate me right now because you thought I didn't care. And I care so much, Ariel. You're being impulsive again. You just hate me now but it will eventually pass."

"So anong sinasabi mo? Nagpapapansin ako sa'yo? In your face, Fuentebella. Now get out of my way or so help me I'll punch you."

"Try me."

But instead of punching, she puts all her efforts to push me away just so she can get to the door. But with her weak left arm carrying her bag and an even weaker right arm for her injury, she ends up failing miserably and I take that chance to catch her in my arms.

"Let go of me, you asshole," she yells. She keeps on pushing me away but now I have my arms around her.

"Stop doing this. I don't want to hurt you by tying you up in bed," I warn.

"But you're hurting me now," she says in between sobs. Okay, she's crying again. When was the last time she actually had a day without tears? I can't remember.

"I'm sorry," I say as sincerely as I can.

When she stops struggling, she buries her face in her hands and just leans her covered face against my chest in defeat. I squeeze her tighter and feel her sobbing even more. Closing my eyes, I bury my face in her hair and inhale her vanilla scent. I will never get enough of this. Of the fights, of the drama, and of loving her. But of course she will realize this one day, that she has just wasted time spending it on someone who will never get well. Who was never actually well in the first place. I can't help but feel anxious and depressed everytime I rationalize this.

"Bakit ba ang hirap mong intindihin?" she asks, still crying.

I answer her with just a simple exasperated sigh. I feel her hands draping around my torso and she starts sobbing again.

"At bakit ba mahal na mahal kita? The hell, Eric, OA na 'yang mood swings mo. Kahit para sa'kin man lang 'wag ka namang masyadong marahas sa pagiging bipolar. Kaya mo namang kontrolin 'yan, e. 'Wag mo namang hayaang 'yang sakit mo ang mag-control sa'yo. It's so unfair, I find it hard keeping up with your moods."

I keep quiet, mentally kicking myself for everything that I am.

"Kagaya nito. Hanggang anong oras mo 'ko gustong yakapin ngayon? Tapos mamaya, ano? Para kang nandidiri sa'kin na ewan. May ginawa ba ako sa'yo to deserve this treatment?"

Despite her argument, she keeps her arms draped around me, tightly, as if any moment my mind decides to shift to another mood, she won't let me go.

"I'm sorry," I repeat.

"Puro ka sorry. Akala mo ba unlimited ang pasensiya ko? My goodness, Eric, nasasagad din ako."

I feel my heart abnormally racing.

"Kung minsan, naiisip kong ayoko na, e. Na suko na ako. Tapos biglang magbabago ka na naman ng pakikitungo sa'kin and there goes my anger, slowly drifting away. Pati ako nagiging bipolar na. Konting-konti na lang, Eric, susuko na talaga ako."

Jesus. Loud fast throbs in my chest and each beat, it gets a pound heavier. Seriously, what's going on?

"Ayoko na ng ganito. Kapag hindi mo pa talaga kinontrol 'yan, Eric, sinasabi ko sa'yo, mapapagod na lang ako bigla isang beses. Gusto mo bang mag-fall apart tayo dahil dito?"

I can't think clearly. Oh my God. What's going on with my heart? Please, be still.

Looking up at me, she frowns. "Okay ka lang?"

It's late before I realize I stop hearing and feeling anything. She's saying something that I can't understand. I struggle to take in a lungful of air before haphazardly breathing out her name, "Ariel..."

And everything else turns black.