Beyond The Square One (BTSO2)

S q u a r e T w e n t y - T h r e e ( H E )

I have got to see what's more important than showing up to explain to your fiancé who's been waiting in eternal agony. Too far? Screw it. I'm trying my best para makapag-drive nang maayos, I'm a little tipsy now, and it doesn't help that I'm totally pissed off. It's almost one in the morning when I park my car outside my father's house.

"P-Prince Eri-"

"Stop calling me that," kalmado pa rin na pagputol ko sa pagbati ng maid sa'kin after she opens the gate.

I walk straight to see if there's anyone in the first living room but it's empty. Up in my room, only Ariel's phone is in here. When I walk out to check the other guest rooms in search of Ariel, I come across Jace who's still wearing his office outfit.

"Where's Ariel?"

"Where have you been? Nagkakagulo na lahat-"

"I don't have the time for shits, Jace. Tell me where the fvck she is."

He shakes his head, briefly closing his eyes in exhaustion. To what, I don't know and honestly, I don't care. I have to know what's going on that's too important for Ariel to actually ditch me.

"Cash," his short response.

"What?" I ask, still calm.

"She's with him in his room," Jace answers without looking.

I walk past him, intentionally bumping against his shoulder. Without knocking, I burst into Cash's room only to find him in his bed, hugging someone under the blanket. It's just the bedside lampshade on so it's a little difficult to see. But before I can even say something, I immediately recognize who that is.

"ARIEL?!"

She jolts up, narrows her eyes as if adjusting her vision. And when she finally realizes it's none other than her fiancé that she ditched for this stupid whatever emergency, she jumps out of the bed, leaving Cash behind, still sleeping. "Eric, it's not what you-"

"Hell yeah, it's nothing close to what I think," I snap, a little too loud, and start walking out of that damned room.

Jesus, I can't lose myself now. For Pete's sake, I'm in this house where everyone is against me being rational. That is, of course, when they think I'm really not being rational when I'm losing control.

"Eric, sandali lang naman," she calls after, grabbing my arm.

And like instinct, I snatch my arm away, leaving her a little out of balance. Mabuti na lang, napakapit siya sa door jam or else, I'd end up helping her up again and it's not an advantage for someone who's trying to stay mad at his fiancé.

"Makinig ka, pwede?" she yells at me.

"I thought there's a logical explanation for you to leave me hanging like that. Akala ko, you're just going to be late because something came up. Or something really came up but it's too important to leave to someone else so you didn't make it to the place where I was expecting you. It turns out, Aurora was right."

She looks at me, dumbfounded. And that's when I realize...

I just admitted to her that I talked to Aurora about her when she's not around. Great. Just great, James Eric.

Oh, well. I don't know about her but I'm pretty sure I wasn't cheating.

"Say that again," she quietly says.

"You heard that right, I was talking to your sister. I tried to keep a distance because I know you'd hate it when you see me talking to her. But for hours, I was waiting, and you never came. Anong gusto mo? Wait for myself to rot as I wait for the princess that would never arrive? Oh come on, Ariel. We already made plans," I remind her. I walk out on her again without knowing my destination.

"You know how much I hate Aurora, Eric! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Why are you mad at me? I'm not the one who's cheating here," I say with a sardonic smile. Nanggigigil na ako sa totoo lang. I want to get upstairs and beat the hell out of Cash. I decide to head for the kitchen to keep myself away from the staircase, to be safe.

The housemaids are busy doing their chores when we enter. She keeps following me around until I stop in front of the kitchen countertop. "For goodness, Eric, I was just with your brother!" she yells at me.

I face her again. "And let me tell you that I was just with your sister. How does that sound?" Though my voice is laced with very little sound of fury, I can imagine Ariel finding it hard to decypher my mood again as I remain impassive.

She looks around and everyone else starts leaving the room quietly, with one of them closing the door. When we're alone... "Ipapaalala ko lang sa'yo that she's the same person who threatened to ruin our relationship."

I scoff. "But Cash makes it so much easier than how she does."

"He's not doing anything to ruin us!"

"Really?" I raise an eyebrow, tilting my head to one side and stare at her. "So right now, we're arguing here for nothing. Is that what you mean?" I calmly say.

"We're arguing because you were with my sister," she corrects.

This is what it all boils down to. "She came in the place where I expected to see you. I waited there for hours, Ariel. And then I'll come home to an image of my fiancé, embracing my brother, under the thick blankets of his bed doing God knows what, in my parents' house, if I might add. Now how do you think I'd feel?!" This time, my tone is beyond my control. I'm losing it. I'm fvcking losing it again.

"Masyado kang takot sa sarili mong multo, alam mo 'yon?" she starts.

I can see that she's a bit pissed off now, too, but the more obvious emotion in her eyes is that heart-breaking pain. I ask, as gentle as I can, "What the hell does that supposed to mean?"

She continues, "History indeed repeats itself, Eric. Pero 'wag mong itutulad si Cash sa'yo na na-in love sa taong nakalaan na sa kapatid mo. I came here because your brother needed you but you never showed up. Instead, you stood by the side of your pride and ended up spending time with the wrong person."

Starting to walk out on me, I quickly grab a hold of her arm and force her to face me back. "That's too much, Ariel. It's not fair to bring up my past and use it against me."

"And what's fair? Using your OCD paranoia on me, accusing me of cheating on you? At pwede ba-" She harshly tugs her arm out of my hold- "...'wag mo 'kong hawakan gamit ang parehas na kamay na pinanghawak mo sa kamay ni Aurora. For the first time in my life, nakakaramdam ako ng disgust sa taong mas mahal ko pa sa buhay ko."

"I didn't touch her hand, for your information. Please, tell me you know me better than that."

"I smell her every scent in your attitude at the moment. And yes, I thought I know you better than that, too. Like how you should know me better than this, Eric. Pero dahil parang hindi mo 'ko kilala ngayon, e, 'di panindigan natin ang pagiging strangers," she bites back, voice breaking by the last word.

Wow. Now it's all about me and damn it because I'm slowly giving in. This is so unfair.

And that's it- my emotional undoing. I look away briefly, heaving a deep sigh. I hate it when I see her like this because of me, but I hate it, too, when I'm starting to lose control. And she's one great factor why I always lose control.

Kahit ayokong mag-give in, my heart, which I once thought I never had until she came into my complex life, is betraying my pride. I know to myself that I can't stay mad at her for too long especially when I'm seeing those tears.

I carefully reach out to drape my arms around her and close my eyes, letting out yet again, another long sigh. "Tama na. I don't want to argue about this anymore," I quietly say in defeat, kissing the top of her head.

"Tapos bukas-makalawa, babalik tayo sa issue na 'to," she says in a muffled voice. "Paano, hindi natin sinasarado. 'Yan kasi ang mahirap sa'yo, Eric. Hindi ka nakukuntento hangga't 'di ka nakakaganti."

Despite the angst, I feel her burying her face in my chest. I would rather have her this angry yet close, than happy but too far. I can't imagine the world if Ariel's happiness starts depending on my distance away from her.

Hindi ko na siguro gustong malaman kung anuman ang ginawa nila ni Cash. I shouldn't care as long as she tells me it's nothing, I trust her more than I trust myself even if it sounds like a scary thing. I'm afraid of the idea of losing her because I'm showing just how fvcked up I am again.

I'm willing to pretend like I didn't see anything in Cash's room. Ano pa nga ba? Like how it is the whole span of time that I'm in a relationship with Ariel, ako 'yung unang hindi makakatiis. Ako 'yung magsasantabi ng pride para mag-sorry which I rarely do for my own family. Because that's how much I love her, I lose control in all ways possible no matter how hard I try to keep a good restraint. Like how I easily gave in to that kiss after not having an official explanation from her for walking away. Girls will be girls.

To lighten up the mood, I try to remind her of her famous line, "Back to square one, remember?"

I feel her shaking her head. "You're way beyond the square one."

In that instant, I feel like I'm the most selfish person in the world for simply being myself. And because this is who I am, I wonder how long Ariel can last tolerating my personality, together with the Bipolar Disorder and OCD. Sadly, as I inhale her scent, it reminds me that the kind of love I get from her is something that I don't deserve. Imbes na ako 'yung sinusuyo niya ngayon, I end up hating myself even more for hurting her with my words.

And I can't help but start feeling depressed for simply being ME. For the unimaginable number of times, I'm having another attack of depression and anxiety that I'm silently fighting as I say to Ariel with a weak voice, "I'm sorry if I'm such a struggle to understand."

"Hate to cut in but I think Ariel needs to put this on her shoulder," Jace says, walking into the kitchen with an ice bag in hand.

Ice bag?

"Thanks, Jace," Ariel says.

She puts the ice bag on her shoulder and gives me an apologetic smile. I want to ask, but I can't seem to find my voice. I want to know how she feels, but I'd feel stupid for asking after shouting at her and accusing her of things she said she didn't do.

'I'm sorry,' a little voice inside my head is saying.

I smile back at Ariel and slowly walk my way out to the poolside garden. Half-expecting her to follow, I'm honestly relieved to see it's Jace's footsteps that I've been hearing after me.

"Well... that was one scene to end the long day," he jokes.

We stand, facing the stagnant water in the pool with colorful lights underneath. "I see."

"You can just see for yourself if you ever check on Cash."

I keep my mouth shut. I've had enough argument for tonight.

"Listen, James. She's being reasonable, I swear. May dahilan siya kung bakit hindi siya nakarating kanina and most importantly, she has the best interest at heart kung bakit nakita mo sila ni Cash in that state. I hope you reconsider before you suspect her of anything."

I just nod without looking.

"I know you're jealous. And honestly, there are times that I find it annoying, too. Naomi's endearment towards Cash is too much. Pero 'di ba, that's all he has? Our parents are focused too much on us, so it's just fair that other people focus on him."

Unintentionally, a scornful laugh escapes from me. But Jace doesn't seem to mind because he continues...

"You see, it's Cash that we're talking about here, James. He's the best version of the two of us. He's the youngest but the smartest, wisest, and kindest. Not to mention, the sweetest and most adorable, too. Nagpaulan ng talent sa mundo, siya lahat ang sumalo. Magaling sumayaw, magaling kumanta, matalino sa academics, mahilig sa sports, I mean he's every girl's dream man. We don't know, pero baka nga marunong din magluto 'yan, nagpe-pretend lang na hindi kasi ayaw niyang matapakan 'yung ego natin. Si Cash 'yan, e. Pinaka-maintindihin, mapag-pasensiya, matapang, at matured... And most importantly, he's not as sick."

I take time absorbing the peaceful silence before finally saying, "In short, the easiest person to love."

"Exactly," he quietly says. "Si Cash kasi ang nakikita nating mayroon no'ng mga bagay na wala sa'tin. O kaya higit sa mga bagay na mayroon tayo. Kaya naiinggit tayong dalawa sa kaniya."

I look at him and he has a sad smile on his face as he stares ahead. "I can't believe you feel that way about Cash," I say.

"I can't believe it, too."

Breathing in deeply, I walk back into the house and find my way up to Cash's door. Without knocking, I slowly open the door to his room and turn on the lights. Ariel is beside him and he's asleep. Nothing seems to be wrong...

Except that he looks like he just came back from World War II.

With a throbbing chest, I walk closer to his bed, completely forgetting about my hatred towards him as I see my little helpless brother with a deep cut on his forhead, bruises and scratches all over his face, and swollen eyes that are shut peacefully as he sleeps.

"Sorry for not informing you," Ariel says holding my hand as she holds the ice pack on Cash's jaw in the other.

"Who did this?" I quietly ask.

And Ariel starts telling me the whole story about this mess. As she does, I can't help but feel even more guilty for not listening to her first. I've been quiet all the while she talks.

It's now three in the morning and we decide to get back home. No one is speaking a single word in the car as we drive, I don't even feel like talking to anyone after what I just found about Cash.

Minutes or hours are passing and I still can't get myself to sleep. I'm being surfaced with overwhelming conscience and guilt after reviewing the messages I received from Cash earlier. He was looking for me. He was asking for my help. And Lord knows how I managed to ignore those cries of help. I ignored him.

If only I wasn't too preoccupied of my personal gains...

If only I had been there for him...

If only I wasn't being myself the whole time...

If only I was different...

I could have been there, I could've saved him from whomever the fvck did that. I could have stopped my father from adding up to that physical and emotional pain he's going through. Then I wouldn't have had to wait for Ariel because I would have known what was going on. And my father wouldn't have had to accidentally hit Ariel with his strong fist on her vulnerable shoulder.

But sadly, I wasn't there. I was busy being me, the ever-selfish, ever-egocentric James Eric Fuentebella who cares about no one but himself. Hell, yeah. This is all my fault.

"Eric, matulog ka na. Late na, o," Ariel sweetly says when she notices I'm still up. She mirrors my position, leaning back against the headboard. "Oh my gosh, Eric. Umiiyak ka ba?"

I keep my gaze forward. I'm not really crying, she's just overreacting, of course. But I'm agonized and that's another story. For the first time, I feel like I don't want to talk to her, too. Like I practically deserve to have nobody around me.

"Eric..."

She starts crying again. No matter how much I want to stop her from doing that, I can't. Because I know that I'm the one who feels the most pain. And I'm the one who deserves to carry that burden of feeling the most pain.

"Talk to me," she says, draping her small arms around me.

As much as I hate to admit it, I feel even more guilty for this compassion I get from her. With a heavy heart, I move her arms away from me and slide down under the blanket, turning my back on her. The last I remember before closing my eyes are her words that aim to comfort me...

"You may be a struggle to understand, Eric. But screw the world because I love you, nevertheless."