Beyond The Square One (BTSO2)

S q u a r e N i n e ( H E )

I have a lot to think about today alone. Let me summarize it like a dinner's schedule. First, as an appetizer, is the ambush decision I made this morning in the bank for hiring the last person I would want to be a call closer to us. Second, for the entrée, is the construction of the hospital, the new house, and new office branches outside the country which I have to check on from time to time. For the main course, whatever it is that's going on with Ariel, that should be the biggest chunk of my thoughts. As a dessert, I'm not sure if Ariel knows about this yet, but she's actually related to the San Juans and I can't help but think it's going to affect her so much that she might runaway upon knowing. To top it all off, for a five-course meal, let me bring you the cheese...

Rage is starting to take over my emotions again. This is prolly why I had to tell everyone about what's really going on with Cash. The outcome of bursting out all of a sudden is way too far from what I intended to happen. I was trying to let them know that Cash is going through tough times and he needs somebody to talk to, but with how it ended, it appears to them like I was trying to embarrass him to everyone.

"What happened?" tanong agad ng Papa when Ariel starts running after Cash which makes me feel a lot more uncomfortable of my place.

I take a chug of my red wine from the glass and lean back. "I was trying to make sure that everything was okay with him yesterday. I called the resort and found out that he had a fight with a guy named Jacob Alistair Serrano. I don't know who the fvck that is YET but soon, I'll find out. I had his new car tracked and a person to have him followed. And he reported this."

"Why the hell are you having him followed? And where the hell did he get a car?"

I look back at my father and without any trace of guilt, I answer, "I gave him one."

"You shouldn't have. You should have waited for him to finish school, that was our deal," father protests.

"Wait. Cash got a new car and you didn't even know about it?" tanong ni Jace.

"What, are you telling me you know about this, too?" balik-tanong ng Papa.

"He's my brother, Papa. Of course, I know everything about him. Or at least, I know the things that are pretty obvious. Nasa iisang bahay na lang kayo pero parang hindi niyo pa kilala 'yung bata."

There's also a trace of anger in Jace's voice as he says this and I can't blame him. I bet they don't even know that Cash has been smoking cigarettes since high school.

"Oh my. What's happening to my baby?" Mother is choking a sob as my father runs his hand on her back to try and calm her down.

"Something is going on with Cash, Mama. And we're not blind to not notice that, too. He's been quiet lately," Jace says, as if trying to back me up.

Naomi stands up from her seat. "Perhaps, because the kid needs more attention now than ever," she says, glancing at me and then back at Jace. "He's still young. And you know exactly what I mean by this." She looks at my parents and continues, "I don't mean to sound rude or anything, Tito. But among the three of your kids, Cash gets the least of everything from his own family when he's actually the one who gives the most. From school awards to self-reliance. Maybe this is the reason why he never told anyone inside this circle of what's going on with him. Because he feels left out and being invisible inside of his own home is his only escape from what reality he lives in outside. Excuse me."

And with that, she leaves, too. Jace and I exchange awkward glimpses.

"Naomi's right," Jace says, being the first one to break the endless silence. "Like, his whole life, I have been your number one priority, Papa. As James is our mother's. Perhaps he still sees it that way."

"Jace, alam niyong tatlo kung bakit ganiyan ang naging set-up sa pamamahay na 'to. Ikaw, mahina ang puso mo. At si James, hindi psychologically stable. And Cash is matured enough to understand that," mahinahong paliwanag ng Papa.

"Pero anak niyo pa rin si Cash and you were fvcking strangers to him when he had his first hell of a heartbreak. You didn't even know he had school troubles because of this girl," I argue.

Natahimik kaming apat sa table. Ako, ang Papa, ang Mama, at si Jace. Then our father starts speaking again...

"Because we're too busy trying to protect you from hurting yourself, James. You, undeniably, have suicidal tendencies and compulsive bones, it's something to watch out for. And Cash understands this. Maybe that's why he didn't bother telling us about it, and didn't even feel less prioritized because he knows why. Hindi ka namin pwedeng pabayaan noon, alam mo 'yan. Mula pagkabata, James, everytime you think that something is not fair, you'd start hurting yourself and it's such a struggle to stop you."

I stare at them. Yes, I fall silent. Not because I'm shocked, I simply don't have anything to say, I hate it when I'm like this. And I hate it more when they're right.

"But James is okay now. Maybe you can start making it up to Cash," Jace says in a low voice.

I close my eyes briefly and breathe in exasperation. "So this is which it all boils down, then? My psychological instability?"

"That's not what—"

"No, I get it, Papa," I cut him off. "It was all my fault. Because I was so fvcked up, I stole that little of what could've been given to Cash. That I had all the attention of the world because I was fvcked up. Right?"

Tumayo ang Mama at lumapit sa'kin. "James..."

"Kung sa bagay, nagpapansin din siguro talaga ako no'n because everything was given to Jace in a silver platter. Like whatever he wanted was given to him in a snap," I almost spit out, glaring at my father.

"James! Stop it," Jace says.

"No, I won't stop. Nandito na rin lang, let this decade-long angst in me be shown to everyone involved. Mula pagkabata, it was always Jace. Everytime he cried, you blame me. Everytime I cried, you force me to just understand him. You never asked, you always assumed that everytime we fought, it was always because of me. Na para bang si Jace lang palagi ang may karapatan at kakayahang masaktan tapos ako lang ang marunong mang-away at palaging nag-uumpisa ng gulo. You always prioritize his feelings. And what about me?"

They are all quiet, with just our mother's stifled sobs filling in the awkward silence.

"Now here you are, being insenstive and irresponsible parents for Cash, and you point your fingers at me? Bakit? Kasi sinulit ko 'yung atensyon na nakuha ko sa Mama when you married her and she moved in here? That I selfishly owned the kind of love she willingly gave which I couldn't get from you, then? Anong promise mo sa'kin no'n, Papa? You left my biological mother because you said she never wanted to have me and you promised me na hindi muna ako magkakaroon ng kapatid so I can have my new mother's full attention. But there came Cash. What was left of me, huh? If I didn't attempt to jump off of that damned Fuentebella Empire Tower rooftop of your helipad three times when I was a kid and I wasn't diagnosed with OCD, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, and all sorts of fvcking psychological instabilities possible for me, I would've been nobody."

"And because you did, now Cash is the one to suffer the consequences," Jace interrupts.

Natahimik ako ulit. Jace has medical issues but it's not his fault while I, on the other hand, have psychological issues and it's all in my mind. It dawns on me, that yes, I was so selfish. That Emily Fuentebella isn't even my biological mother in the first place but I stole her attention completely away from Cash, her biological and only son with my father. Now, like how it was before, I think so horrible of myself that my existence alone can hurt anyone. Like I'm not just a threat to other's but also a threat to myself. Because at times when I want something for my own, I barely recognize that other people need it more. The same feeling I had when I realized that I just wanted Naomi but she needed Jace and the only way to make it happen seamlessly was to disappear.

"James, ang tagal na no'n. You already have plans of settling down, getting married, but you still keep those burdens in your heart? How could you stay so furious for so long?" Jace adds.

And for the first time in my life, I'll be saying this to my family... "I'm... I'm sorry."

I look down on my lap. How could I be so self-centered? This is Cash that we're talking about, the little kid I bullied in his childhood days yet loved and respected me as his older brother no matter what. The boy who gave me a lot to be responsible of. The man who's been there when I was at my worst for falling in love with two of the most difficult to understand and complicated women in the world. Where was I when he needed me?

Well, I was there, carelessly observing with rock-hard heart on top of my skycraper-high pride and daylight-broad insecurities over Cash. I was watching but I showed no care because he didn't ask. This is me being me. And that's Cash being... well, himself.

I walk out without saying another word. I feel like a little kid again being punished to shut up and just face the wall for saying things I shouldn't say. And no one walks after me, because, yeah, I fvcking push away everyone who cares in just one night for being insensitive.

Tahimik akong umalis sa mansyon ng Papa. Hindi ko na hinanap si Ariel dahil alam kong galit din siya sa'kin at siguradong hindi niya gugustuhing makita ako ngayon. So I go straight to my Beatz Tavern in BGC to drink the night away.

By 2am, I finally decide to get home. Pero nag-iba ata ang daan ko nang kusa akong bitbitin ng sasakyan sa train station ng Magsaysay. I step out of the car, feeling numb and wasted. Until now, it replays like a broken record in my mind how Jace punched me with the ugly reality. And because you did, now Cash is the one to suffer the consequences.

I've always been the problem. And the only way to make things right again is to disappear. Pero this time, no more Ariel to save my sorry ass from death. No more jumping, heroic deed, or even broken bones to spare because I don't even deserve it to the slightest.

"I'm sorry, Ariel," I murmur to myself and walk straight to the center of the rail. But a small hand catches my forearm and I stop abruptly to see who that is.

"'Wag mo nang balakin. Impakto ka talaga. Gusto mong ma-ospital ulit tayo?"

I stare at her, dumbfounded, and all my reasons for dying is replaced by all the reasons why I have to live just in a snap.

She has tears in her eyes and that's when I realize, I must have worried her too much.

"Halika nga dito. Bwiset ka talaga," she says, grabbing me closer in a warm embrace. I get it now. This is just what I need. What the hell was I thinking?

I hug her back and bury my face in her hair. "Paano mo nalaman kung nasaan ako?" I gently ask.

"I tracked you," she answers in a muffled voice.

With a soft chuckle, I grip her closer. The humor isn't lost in me, na-adapt na rin niya 'yung stalking skills ko.

"Uwi na tayo, okay?"

We pull slightly away and stare into each other's eyes. I nod at her as she smiles despite the tears. "I love you, Ariel."

She touches my face and I lean against her hand. "Mas mahal kitang impakto ka."