Having Her

Chapter 8

I lucid dreamt for the most part of the time I 'slept', and since my eyes flickered open from the half asleep stays, I couldn't sleep a wink. I tossed and turned in my place as quietly as I could, trying to be careful about not disturbing the man sleeping next to me, whose back faced me almost the entire night and he remained still, unlike the restless me.

I spent the rest hour or so lying in the bed and staring at the ceiling in the dark, and suddenly, the dark didn't seem to entice me anymore.

I was just too desperate for the sun to rise and for me to get out of here. Despite there being a sufficient air supply, I felt suffocated. Sleep didn't linger in my eyes anymore, especially knowing I didn't have a hard or working day anymore. I could live the morning over a black coffee and catch some sleep in the afternoon.

Zach was an early waker. Despite knowing he must be the only one awake at five in the morning, having to explain the situation to him was awkward even though he, unlike his fiancé, didn't care about anything I was doing until I was safe and alive.

Anna would have insisted on the details, and I didn't have any details to give her.

So when Zach opened the door of the pool house for me, I quietly slipped out leaving a sleeping Caleb behind. I could not bring myself to bother leaving a note.

*

Returning to my room, the first thing I did was stand in a warm shower, clearing off my head from the mess it was. Despite slipping into the most comfortable pyjamas I had in my mother's house, I still couldn't bring myself to sleep.

Or even get myself in bed.

So instead, I found myself on the rooftop. As I stood by the railings in perfect silence, I couldn't help but think about how I was here with Caleb hours ago watching him smoke a cigarette and even with how uncomfortable it made me, how much I wanted to stop him, I couldn't.

I had to remind myself that it wasn't my problem anymore. Even if I cared, I should just.. stop caring. As if there would be a switch in me to suddenly make it all stop.

I watched the sun rise over the horizon, the dark night letting light in gradually, painting a little masterpiece in front of my eyes.

Oh, how much I had missed the calm and slow days.

"Can I join you?" The voice, despite being familiar, makes me flinch as I turn behind.

Caleb had a tight lipped smile on his face. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

"Sure, come inside." I say, my voice a low whisper as I gulp. "I thought you were asleep.."

"I was," he answered, "I woke up to you not being there, thought I should check."

"You shouldn't have.." I should have left a note. Just didn't think he would care enough. 

"Oh no, that's okay," He dismisses whatever he thought I was going to say as he stands beside me, a safe few feet distance between us, his hands crossed across his chest as he stared ahead at the sunrise too, letting silence linger between us once again.

"I was thinking about something..." he says in a whisper.

"Enlighten me."

"You don't listen." He says.

I turn to him, half offended and half puzzled. "I'm sorry?"

He chuckled. "I mean... you assume a lot, Daisy. You don't listen enough."

And now I was beginning to get offended. We seriously barely got out of one fight last night and he was beginning to get us into another one already. 

"You don't know that." I say, my voice low but firm. 

"I do, actually," he calmly replied turning to face me too. "And you know what? Maybe I am wrong, but I am going to go ahead and take the luxury to make a fat guess on how last night went for you."

"Oh don't stop on my account. Please, make your guess." I tell him, pursing my lips, anger coursing through my veins. I really should have gotten that sleep last night.

"Jay must have told you that he and I are brothers, and you would have gone off on him for keeping you in the dark and lying to you about it." He says with a confidence that almost makes me shudder. "Tell me, is that not how last night went?"

"I didn't go off on him," I sheepishly mumble, trying to keep up my angry facade even though I knew I was melting inside. "And he did keep me in the dark."

"And you are right in your place. You have all the rights to be mad at him and... you know, just, be angry and go off at him, but.." 

"But?"

"But I also know you wouldn't have given him the chance to explain." He tells me. "And that isn't a guess. I know that because you didn't even know that I and Jay were twin brothers. If you had given him the chance to explain, if you would have let him tell you the story, the first thing that you would have learnt before anything else was that I and him are twins."

I gulp. "Does that change anything, Caleb? He lied to me. Does listening to his story change the fact that he intentionally lied?"

"No it doesn't." Caleb shakes his head, shrugging. "And in all honesty, I think I have a pretty good idea about why he lied: he was afraid he would lose you. He was afraid you'd take a step back from the two of you on learning that he was my brother. By blood."

"Damn right." I mumble.

"And I can't say what he did was right, but I can say that he did what he did because he loves you. He did not want to lose you. And from what I see, you care a great deal about him too. So why not just pause and keep your anger aside only for a little moment and listen to what he has to say? Just once? And then make up your mind about.. you know... where you two stand in your relationship."

I blink my eyes at him. "What is this? What are you doing?" I was genuinely puzzled. Why was he asking me to go talk to Jay?

He just sighed after taking in a deep breath, raising his shoulders in a shrug. "I don't know. I think I'm stopping you from making a mistake."

"What mistake?" I knit my eyebrows.

"You know, when we broke up... you assumed a lot of things that time too. You didn't listen to me at all. So maybe if you listen to Jay, five years down the line maybe you two would be a in a different place. So I guess I'm just helping you not repeat the same mistake twice." His voice was a heavy mixture of taunting and sarcasm, but also concern.

"If I had listened to you, Caleb," I gulp, "Would it have changed anything between us?"

He lets a half smile pull through his lips. "Perhaps not. Because you were right. I cheated on you, Daisy. And I don't think an apology or two would make you miraculously forgive me."

I stared at him, taken aback, just gaping at him with lips slightly parted. This was the first time. The first ever time he said those words aloud. That he cheated on me. That I had to walk in on him naked and sleeping in our bed with another woman.

And despite it being years ago, his words bring out images I had thought I had buried deep inside me but I was wrong. They came tumbling out like it was only yesterday. I could feel the hollowness in my chest, the constant reminder that Caleb broke a part of me that I would never be able to put back together again. The pain in my heart... it was fresh as if those wounds were inflicted only yesterday, as were the tears that rose in my eyes even with how hard I tried to drink them away with the lump in my throat.

"Leave." I snarled as quietly as I could, stiffening in my place and curling up my fists to hold them in place and not bring them up to slap him instead. God knows I could do that today.

"I don't deserve you, Daisy," He whispered, his hand raising as if to touch me but stopped midway and he let it fall back to himself. "But my brother?...He does."

I stare at him, unsure of what to say. 

"Is that what this is about?" I accuse taking a careful step towards him, careless anger evident in my voice. "Is this your f*cking way to push me towards Jay?"

"And why would I do that?"

"I don't know!" I whisper shout. "That's the thing with you, Caleb. I never know!"

"Daisy, think about it... why would I want to push you towards Jay?"

"I don't know, Caleb." I repeat myself, just louder this time. "This could be just another twisted way your head works in. To lie to push me away like you used to when were just kids. Or it could be the truth. I can't tell the difference anymore, so I beg you, just tell me the truth. Once in your life, Caleb. Just once. Tell me the truth and I would believe you blindly. Please."

"The truth, Daisy?" He asked and I helplessly and desperately nodded. "The truth is that I simply don't love you anymore."

"So that's it? We are just over?"

"We were over long back, Princess," he said, a stark contrast between the heartbroken emotions in his voice and tough expressions on his face. "This is the point at which we establish that there is no 'we' anymore."

"Leave." I tell him again. Just like last time, he doesn't listen. "Please," I add, my voice a heartbroken whisper, "Just leave."

This time, he listens.

He listens and turns back and leaves just like I asked him to do, and yet, the silence that he left behind felt more burdening to me than his presence.

Most of last night felt like a blur, but there was something that I remembered very clearly. What reminded us of each other: Strawberries and Cigarettes.

To think about.. this is how we were: Sweet but toxic. Endearing but detrimental. Loveable but noxious. Just like strawberries and cigarettes.

I let the silence around me remind me that if there were ever a story about him and me, it would never be about how we fell in love. It would only be about how we ran away from it.

Huffing some air from my mouth after I had collected myself, I messaged Jay. It was about time I get to know their story- one I hadn't bothered listening about earlier.

*