The End of Us

Chapter 2: Azyra

"Sachi..."

"How could you, Azyra?" napakahinahon niyang sabi but the look on his face showed that he was in so much pain.

"Baby, please..." muli kong pakiusap sa kanya ngunit nag-iwas lang siya ng tingin.

Ayoko siyang hawakan, not because he could kill me with just a single punch but because I was scared that he will break down. Ang pinakaayoko sa lahat ay ang makitang umiiyak siya.

I know that I should've told him about Kenji's condition that night after Tito Jai told it to me. Ngunit hindi pa ako nakakasigurado noon. Besides alam kong hahantong talaga kami ni Sachi sa hiwalayan. Kahit ayoko, alam kong wala akong magagawa kapag nagdesisyon na siya.

Ngunit kung galit ako sa sarili ko, mas nagagalit ako kay Tito Jai ngayon. Nang hindi ako sumunod sa kanya pabalik sa Pilipinas, he called Sachi's parents and told them everything that he told me. And now I am in trouble with Sachi.

"I can't continue this relationship if someone is suffering because of us, Azyra."

I was expecting him to say this but the way he said my name made me empty inside.

"Sachi, his cancer is still in Stage 1. He could survive it even without me!" hindi ko na napigilang mambulyaw.

He looked at me and his tears fell that made me clench my fist.

"But what if he doesn't want to survive and be cured because you're not there with him?" umiiyak niya nang tanong.

Inilang hakbang ko ang pagitan naming dalawa at kaagad ko siyang yinakap habang tumatahip ang dibdib ko sa pinaghalo-halong nararamdaman ko sa mga oras na iyon.

"Sachi, I don't love him anymore. Ikaw na ang mahal ko. Dito sa'yo ko gustong manatili. Please, don't do this to us, baby," patuloy kong pakiusap sa kanya habang miiyak siya sa dibdib ko.

I know the situation was causing him so much suffering too.

"I love you so much, Sachiro," bulong ko sa kanya habang paulit-ulit na hinahagkan ang ulo niya.

"If you do, then he couldn't make you fall in love with him again even if he would do everything, right?"

Napahiwalay ako sa kanya nang marinig ko ang sinabi niya. Tumingin ako sa kanyang mga mata. And I was hurt when I saw a decision there.

"No..." iling ko sa kanya as my eyes started to get teary.

Sumasakit na ang dibdib ko hindi ko pa man naririnig ang desisyong nasa mga mata niya

"He needs you, Azyra. Kenji needs you. You have to help him. You need to help him. I will let him have you back... maybe until he is fully healed. But if ever you will learn to love him again during those times, I will understand. I will, baby. I will. Please, I am begging you, help him, Azyra. Forget about me for the mean time."

Humagulgol siya ng iyak pagkatapos sabihin ang desisyon niya that made me cry, too. I know that what he was saying was really painful on his part. Sino ba naman ang ipamimigay ang taong minamahal niya ng lubos upang mapasaya ang iba? Si Sachi lang ang makakagawa niyon. His unselfishness made me love him even more.

Kaya naman malalim ko siyang hinagkan sa kanyang mga labi. Ipinarating ko sa pamamagitan ng ginagawa kong paghalik sa kanya ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko: ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya at ang takot ko sa mangyayaring paghihiwalay naming dalawa.

Alam kong tama siya. Tanging ako lang ang makakatulong kay Kenji sa mga oras na ito. Ako lang ang kinakailangang nasa tabi niya upang magkaroon siya ng lakas upang magpagamot. He desperately wanted to die because of what had happened in our relationship na siyang sumira sa buhay niya. And I know na tanging ako lang ang makakatulong para mabuo iyong muli. Nakiusap na ang lahat sa akin at isa-isa ko silang tinanggihan. But everything changed when Sachi's the one who's begging me to help his cousin. He broke my heart but made me love him even more as he showed me how he could give up even his own heart for the sake of the ones he loves. At tama siya, kung totoong mahal ko siya, kahit na ano pa ang gawin ni Kenji, siya pa rin ang mamahalin ko.

"Payag na ako," I finally relented as Sachi cried even more.

Alam kong masakit na masakit rin ito sa parte niya. Alam ko na kung may pagpipilian lang siya ay hindi rin siya papayag na magkahiwalay kaming dalawa. But Kenji is his family and we're running out of time dahil kung patuloy na tatanggihan ni Kenji ang pagpapagamot sa kanya, he will really die. At ayokong dalhin ni Sachi iyon sa dibdib niya habang nagsasama kami. He may be very smart and very independent but his emotional defenses are still weak.

As he continously cried on my chest, I made a silent promise. I may be with Kenji physically, helping him get through his condition but Sachi will always remain in my heart. I will continue loving him until the day that I will be back in his arms once again.

Alam kong malaking pagsubok ang kinakaharap naming tatlo. Si Sachi, sa paghihiwalay namin, sa hindi mapipigilang pagseselos at takot niya na muli kong mamahalin si Kenji, at sa walang kasiguraduhang pagbabalik ko.

Si Kenji naman ay sa kundisyon niya, sa pagbabalik ko sa buhay niya, at ang hindi ko pananatili roon sa huli.

Sa akin naman ay kung paano ko siya muling pakikitunguhan. I broke his heart and destroyed his life when I broke up with him. Nagkasakit siya ng lung cancer dahil sa pagpapabaya niya sa kanyang sarili  at dahil din iyon sa akin. Magpapanggap akong makikipagbalikan sa kanya ngunit paano kung iyong pagpapanggap kong iyon ay mauuwi sa totohanan? What if I will fall in love with him again gaya ng ikinakatakot ni Sachi? It wasn't hard because I have loved him before. He was my childhood love. I was also his first. We shared almost 4 years together. We've experienced living together. At gaya ng sinabi ko sa kanyang ama, he became my world for four years. I know that deep in my heart, mahal ko pa rin siya. May pagmamahal pa rin akong natatago para sa kanya. At hindi basta-basta mawawala o mabubura iyon kahit na gaano ko pa kamahal si Sachi... kahit na si Sachi na ang nagmamay-ari ng puso at mundo ko ngayon.

Maybe everything is another test for me. A test on how much I love Sachi. A test on how much I could control my emotions, of how I could hold on to my heart.

Nang gabing iyon ay pareho kaming tahimik ni Sachi. Magang-maga ang mga mata niya at kinukurot niyon ang aking puso. We have decided earlier na magpa-book na ako ng flight papuntang Pilipinas. I've forced him to stay in my house bilang kapalit ng pagsunod ko sa kagustuhan niya at ng pamilya niyang tulungan ko si Kenji. Pumayag naman siya at pumayag rin siyang may magbantay sa kanyang goons galing sa pamilya ko. I know that he can take care and protect himself ngunit hindi ako matatahimik kung walang oras-oras na nagrereport sa akin ng kalagayan niya.

We have also decided na ihanda na ang mga dadalhin ko pauwi ng Pilipinas after calling home. Nagpaalam ako sa pamilya ko sa US at sa pamilya ko dito sa Russia tungkol sa pananatili ko ng ilang buwan o maaaring umabot ng taon sa Pilipinas. Naintindihan naman nila ang desisyon ko. Akira was even thankful kahit na alam niyang hindi kami tuluyang magkakabalikan ng kapatid niya. Noong makipaghiwalay ako sa kapatid niya, he was so mad at me. I was at the height of anger kaya nasabi ko sa kanya na ang ama nila ang may kagagawan ng lahat. He was also the one who told Kenji that the reason for our separation was their father. Sinabi niya iyon sa panahong ipinakilala ko na si Sachi sa kanila para marahil ihanda ang kapatid niya kung sakaling malaman na nito ang tungkol sa amin ng pinsan nila. Why didn't he tell his brother about me and Sachi is still a mystery to me. Siguro dahil tulad namin ni Sachi, ayaw na rin niyang dagdagan pa ang sakit ng paghihiwalay namin sa parte ng kapatid niya.

Sachi knew that my ex is his cousin. Tumira siya sa isa sa mga apartment complex namin at ibinilin siya ni Uncle Luis kay Tito Jayson. Napalapit kaagad ang loob niya sa mga pinsan ko dahil na rin palagi siyang naiimbitahan sa family house ng mga Vladimier tuwing weekends. I was civil with him at first dahil nga sa connection niya kay Kenji. Ngunit sa kabila niyon ay unti-unti na akong nasanay sa presensiya niya sa aming pamilya. He was always present whenever there are family gatherings so eventually, naging magkaibigan na rin kaming dalawa. Sa katunayan sa tatlong taon naming pagkakaibigan, never na sumagi sa isipan ko na magkakaroon kami ng mas malalim pang relasyon. But he was too friendly, he was too sweet even if I was an asshole towards him at first. He was very patient, he was very persistent. Hindi lang sa akin kundi maging sa mga naging kaibigan niya. During the two years he was helping me go on with life, I just woke up one day feeling threatened that he would find someone who will take their relationship into the next level. I also grew tired of waiting for Kenji to show up. Iisa lang naman ang talagang hinihintay kong mangyari for him to show his father that he has finally matured and became independent. Iyon ay ang sundan niya ako dito sa Russia. Iyong patunayan niya sa pamilya niya na kaya na niyang magdesisyong mag-isa. Yung handa na niya akong ipaglaban sa kanila. But he never did. Hindi naman pwede na ako ang bumalik sa kanya dahil magiging patunay lang iyon na tama ang ama niya sa sinabi nito sa akin. It was supposed to be the only key for us to continue our relationship kaya nang hindi siya sumunod sa akin all those two years, I've finally given up and started noticing Sachi.

I got jealous of his closeness with my cousins. Sinubukan kong gawin sa kanya ang mga ginawa ko kay Kenji. Something with force and aggressiveness pero hindi iyon tumalab. Minsan na rin akong nabalian ng buto nang halikan ko siya dahil sa kalasingan ko. It took me another year bago ko tuluyang napaamin si Sachi na may nararamdaman na rin siya sa akin. Bago niya aminin na mahal niya ako. I showered him with care, with gifts.  But he told me to clean up my mess pertaining to all the bad things and acts I've been doing all those times. Unti-unti ko na ring iwinaglit sa isipan ko si Kenji. Since hindi niya minsan mang sinubukan na makipag-usap o mangumusta man lang sa mga panahong magkahiwalay kami, inisip kong naka-move on na siya. So I had to move on with my life as well. Tama na para sa akin ang pag-iilusyon that I'll end up with my first love. Lucky for those who did and I even thought I was the unlucky one dahil hindi ako nakasunod sa yapak ng mga kakilala at mga kapamilya ko na iyong unang minahal nila ang nakatuluyan nila sa huli. Sa iilang tao lang nangyayari iyon sa totoong buhay. Most happen in fairy tales. But I was wrong. May mga pagkakataon rin pala na mas masuwerte ang tao sa taong pangalawang mamahalin nila. Gaya ng sinabi ko kay Tito Jai, it was Sachi who accepted and made me feel loved during my worst times. And he was the one who helped me move on, he was there with me when I was at my lowest. He was the one who pushed me and made me change for the better.

It took a whole year for Sachi to finally accept me as his boyfriend. Nag-aalala rin siya sa sasabihin ng iba tungkol sa amin. The bias, the judgment, the favoritism our families would give unfavorably towards him. I needed to prove to him it was over for Kenji and I. I persisted and finally I reaped his sweet yes.

We started living together when he has given me free access to his life, heart and body and those times were the best times of our lives together. We had our bad times gaya ng ibang magkarelasyon, and that's when I realized how truly lucky I was to have him. Ni minsan, wala siyang isinumbat sa akin. He was very understanding. Ni minsan, hindi niya isinali ang mga nakaraan ko sa mga tampuhan namin. Hindi niya pinagseselosan si Kenji na alam niyang minahal ko nang todo. We were both happy and contented and even planning our future together until Tito Jai came in once again, destroying the life I have built for Sachi and I.

That night, I made love with Sachi over and over again. I took all that he could offer to remain in me and in my memories. There was even one time that we were both crying while we were making love, a proof of how much we really love each other, a proof of pure love on both our parts. He wanted to promise not to fall in love with another person until my return or until I tell him that Kenji and I will get back together ngunit ayoko na iyong kunin sa kanya. If he will fall in love with somebody else habang wala ako, tulad niya ay tatanggapin ko na lang iyon. Though I know it will cause me greater pain than I had with Kenji, I will respect Sachi's heart. Dahil iyon ang itinuro niya sa akin, to love unselfishly.

The following morning as I got my flight scheduled the following day, we stayed in the house. Hindi na siya pumasok at nanatili lamang kaming nakahiga ng magkayakap sa kama, kukuha ng pagkain kapag nagugutom o magbabanyo kapag kinakailangan. Ninamnam namin ang natitirang oras na magkasama pa kami. We again made love. Over and over and over again. At nang hindi na kinaya pa ng mga katawan namin, magkayakap lang kaming nakahiga at hinihintay na dumating ang oras na kinakailangan ko nang maghanda.

That was one of the most painful times of being together. Gaya rin noong hiwalayan ko si Kenji, I was blinded with pain. The only difference was that I silently promised Sachi that I will be back to love him again. And I was really hoping that I could hold on to my promise.

He was crying when I left but I saw determination in his eyes and that made me brave as well. Kung kaya ni Sachi ang maghintay at ang magsakripisyo para sa aming dalawa at para sa pinsan niya ay kakayanin ko rin.

...

"Thank you so much, Azyra."

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin kay Tito Zeke ngunit mahina akong tumango to tell him that I acknowledged what he said. Isa pa, ayokong makita niya ang awa sa mga mata ko para sa kanya. Sa apat na taong hindi namin pagkikita, malaki ang naging pagtanda niya brought my Kenji's condition and his situation right now.

Nang malaman nila na papauwi na ako sa dito sa Pilipinas ay nagkusa na silang ipasundo ako sa airport. Dito ako sa Martenei University ihinatid ng driver na sumundo sa akin at ngayon nga ay magkakaharap na kaming tatlo: ako, siya at ang kinamumuhian kong asawa niya na si Jarius Martenei.

Tahimik lang itong nakatayo sa likuran ng asawa habang magkakaharap kami rito sa reception area ng opisina ni Tito Zeke na siyang namamahala na sa MU.

"Kenji is currently staying at our house. Mula kasi nang magkahiwalay kayo ay doon na siya umuuwi. Lately lang siya bumalik sa suite namin dito sa university. Mula iyon noong..." hindi itinuloy ni Tito ang sinasabi niya ngunit ang paglingon niya kay Tito Jai ang indikasyon na bumalik si Kenji sa suite niya rito sa MU nang malaman niya na ang kanyang ama ang totoong rason kung bakit ako nakipaghiwalay na kanya.

Tito Jai remained quiet but the emotion that passed by his eyes told me how he regretted his decision.

Hindi siguro niya inakala na hindi iyong inaasahan niya ang mangyayari sa amin ng anak niya. Oh, I've heard from my dad na pinaghiwalay din sila dati ng father nila. The separation did something great to them obviously dahil magkasama sila ngayon. Pero hindi ibig sabihin na kung maganda ang resulta sa kanila ay magiging maganda rin ang resulta niyon sa amin ni Kenji. Hindi naman niya mapipigilan kung sukuan namin ni Kenji ang isa't isa. He also cannot control our hearts not to fall in love with someone else.

"What do you want me to do, Tito? Aside from helping to convice Kenji get proper medication, ano pa ang inaasahan ninyong gagawin ko para sa kanya?" pormal kong tanong sa kaharap kong si Tito Zeke.

Nagkalambong ang mga mata niya at nakita kong tila hirap siyang sabihin ang gusto niyang sabihin but eventually, he did.

"I know that you are in a relationship with my nephew, Azyra but..."

"Actually, he broke up with me, Tito, just to force me to come here." I bitterly said.

Nakita ko ang gulatat pagbangon ng pag-asa ng mag-asawa sa ginawa kong pag-amin tungkol sa kasalukuyang estado namin ni Sachiro.

"I'm so sorry to hear that, Azyra... but maybe, it's for the better. I mean, ayoko namanag saktan ang damdamin ng pamangkin ko perobsa tingin ko mas makakabuti na wala ng namamagitan sa inyo habang naririto ka para sa anak ko."

"Let's make it clear, Tito Zeke. Sachi may have broken up with me pero balak ko po siyang balikan once Kenji is okay. Kapag magaling na siya at kaya na niyang alagaan at pangalagaan ang sarili niya ay babalik po ako sa Russia para kay Sachi."

"Kung iyon ang desisyon mo ay igagalang ko. Pero Azyra, tell us wala ka na bang ni katiting na natitirang pagmamahal para kay Kenji?" I could tell that Tito Zeke was hurt from what I've said that I am planning to get back with Sachi pero ayoko siyang paasahin sa huli.

"I still love him, Tito. But not as a lover anymore. Hindi na po siya mawawala dito sa puso dahil minsan ay sobrang minahal ko siya to the point of leaving behind everything just to be with him. But that was before. I already have Sachi now."

"Kenji will be hurt kapag nalaman niya ang tungkol sa inyo ng pinsan niya, Azyra. Baka mas lalo siyang tumanggi na magpagamot."

May tono nang nakikiusap at takot sa mga mata si Tito Zeke ngayon at tao lang din ako para hindi makadama ng awa sa kanya. I understand that he is a patent and he doesn't want to hurt his child even more even if he needed to lie amd hide things from him.

"I will not tell Kenji about Sachi, Tito if that's what you are worried about. Sinabi ko naman po na malalaman niya iyon kapag tuluyan na siyang gumaling. We cannot hide it feom him forever because Sachi is your family and I intend to marry him after he graduates."

Napatango si Tito Zeke sa sinabi ko.

"I understand, Azyra. Alam kong malaki ang naging kasalanan namin sa'yo at ayoko nang dagdagan pa sana ang nagawa ni Jai sa'yo. Ngunit pwede bang habang naririto ka at para makumbinsi si Kenji na magpagamot ay mag--um--magpanggap kang mahal mo pa rin siya?" I was dumbfounded by Tito Zeke's request.

"Tito..."

"Please? Please, Azyra? I know you could only convince him if ipaparamdam mo sa kanyang mahal na mahal mo pa siya. Dahil mula noon hanggang ngayon, mahal na mahal ka pa rin ng anak ko..." napaluha na nang tuluyan si Tito Zeke pagkatapos sabihin sa akin ang kahilingan niya.

"Please, let's do everything para gumaling siya. Magsinungaling tayo, magpanggap, lokohin natin siya para lang mapapayag na siyang magpagamot. That's the fastest way to convince him to be hospitalized. ‘Yung malaman niyang naririyan ka na, naghihintay sa kanya at minamahal pa rin siya."

Humahahulgol na si Tito Zeke that even his husband who wanted to think that he was a robot went beside him to calm his emotional breakdown.

"Zeke, please. Naririto na si Azyra. Gagaling na si Kenji," masuyo nitong sabi sa asawa habang yakap-yakap ito.

"This is your fault, Jai."

"I know, babe. I know. I am so s-sorry," gumagaralgal na rin ang boses ni Tito Jai.

And no matter how much I hate him, I can't help but to pity him as I saw tears fall down from his eyes shinning with bitterness and regret. The scene infront of me sliced my heart.

"Pumapayag na po ako," I told them as I clenched my fist as tightly as I can.

Both of them looked at me and nodded. Tito Zeke smiled gratefully while Tito Jai looked at me with shame.

"Thank you, Azyra," he told me and it was my turn to nod at him.

I turned my eyes away from them and as intently looked at the wall, I saw a beautiful Japanese boy sweetly smiling at me.

I bit my lip as I silently uttered an apology.

I'm sorry, Sachiro.