The Mating Game

Fate Worse than Death

Aaron sleeps late into the next morning which doesn’t surprise me because after last night’s events he had trouble falling asleep.  However, he did finally succumb to sleep after we made love for the second time. He laid his head on my chest and listened to the steady rhythm of my heart as I caressed his back trailing my fingers up and down his burning skin and finally he closed his eyes. Staring at his sleeping face in the morning light gives me hope that we can figure this whole thing out together. He looks so peaceful and relaxed, not one line or wrinkle from stress or worry appears on his smooth face.  Maybe somehow we can beat the odds.  I don’t know how but maybe our love will be enough.  Enough for what I’m not sure but perhaps it will make a difference.   My fingertips trace his eyebrows and then follow the outline of his face to his lips.  Touching my fingertip to my lips and then to his I slowly get out of bed trying not to disturb him.  I need to have a discussion with Katie, and I want to have it without Aaron’s presence or knowledge of it happening.

I find Katie dressing in her bedroom, which used to be our bedroom up until a few months ago.  Sitting on my old bed, I stare as she braids her hair.  Every so often Katie glances at me from the mirror, but neither of us breaks the silence until she stands to leave the room.  “Before breakfast could I talk to you out in the barn?  I’ll help you with some of the chores while we talk.”  Katie nods and follows me out.  Entering the barn, I’m not sure exactly what it is that I want to say or how I want to say it.  I just know that I need to say something but really what does someone say in a circumstance like this?  So Katie… Aaron and I are in love, but he has to keep f*cking you, so could you make it as easy for him as possible.  Maybe hide your face in a bag or something.  Nope don’t think that will work. So instead of talking we just begin working.  Knowing that I need to begin the conversation now or Aaron will soon awake; I gain enough courage to say “I love Aaron with all of my heart.”  Startle by the strange random comment Katie pauses in her work for a moment but then continues on with a nod.  “I love him, and I would do anything for him. I know last night was hard.”  “Oh, so he told you.  Fantastic!” Katie sticks her pitchfork a little harder and deeper into the hay thankfully taking her frustrations out on the hay instead of me.  “He didn’t tell me every sordid detail, but he told me enough for me to know that it was difficult.”  “Well when you’re having s*x with your mate, and he can’t get it up and vomits in the middle, I think that guarantees a bad night,” Katie grunts sarcastically and continues with her work.  “I don’t know what we can do? This situation is… Our responsibility to life…Us mating with various partners…” I am unable to finish any sentences because really none of it makes any sense anymore.  “You and Aaron are asses. I’ve told you that before.”  Katie merely shakes her head as she shovels another load of hay.  “By you two playing house together you have both created a situation that is unbearable for all of us.  Do you think I want to be with Aaron when I know it literally makes him physically ill to touch me?  If you do, then you are completely nuts.  It’s not my dream to mate with someone who has to think of another woman when they are with me just to keep themselves from vomiting all over me.   I know he loves you, Addison, I get that. But what do you want me to do?  If we don’t, we will get punished.”  Jamming her pitchfork into the hay, Katie turns to stare at me.  “There’s nothing that we can do I guess.”  “So why are we having this conversation.  You love him. He loves you. You’ll both be completely miserable at the end of this mating season and who knows maybe one of you will end up going completely crazy.  I, on the other hand, will move on to a new mating group and continue with life as always. So let’s just keep our Monday night adventures going until the end of this and we’ll be on our way.”  “I just needed to talk to you about it.  We are all in this mess together, and I wanted to make sure we were on the same page.  I love him, and I would rather love him as much as I possibly can in the next few months instead of thinking about how we will have to part.  We’ll cross that road when we get there.  I can’t imagine what it will be like but today I’m still here with him, and that’s enough for me.”   “It’s your funeral.” In the back of my mind I know Katie is right, it is my funeral.  .  There are moments when I have thought about what it will be like to leave Aaron when our time is up and to be given to David. Just imagining the moment makes my chest ache and all the air leaves my body.  It feels like the world is closing in on me and my chest is in a vice.    However, I have also thought about what I could do instead of giving my body to David, during these times, death has crossed my mind more than once.  I have envisioned various ways I could take my life.  I’m not sure which fear is greater the fear of succumbing to numerous men for decades or the fear of death.   Sometimes I believe that I will choose death when that time comes.  I’ve tried to imagine which way would be the least painful, hanging, jumping from a cliff, drowning, or cutting my wrist, but then I think of the sadness that Sophia’s death caused Aaron and I feel like I need to endure and continue living for Aaron to continue doing so.  One thing I know for sure is that I will not cause Aaron any more pain than I already have by falling in love with him.