Endless Adventure

Pickled - S. Liongate

“Whatcha thinking about, Keith?” The glass in my hand squeaked as I polished it, vigorously, with a cloth. Kennith gave me a little side eye, evidently a little annoyed at having been bought back - not just out of his daydream but very specifically to the agitating sound of squealing glass.

“How much ‘Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy’ got right about the end of the world.” My Chide (a Vampire created by my essence, if you didn’t know) sighed. My eyebrow went up just as Katze 8 jumped up on the counter. Absent-mindedly, Kennith petted the AI robot cat. He had wanted to call it Katze ∞ followed by the infinity symbol but special characters weren’t allowed.

“It wasn’t though, not really.”

“Well, what would you say it was like then?” Kennith removed the glass from my hands with a look that said ‘this is clean’. I picked up the next one.

“More like ‘Wall-E’, crossed with ‘The Day After Tomorrow’.” I’d found some rhythm and had made it through 10 glasses now.

“Yes, but that wasn’t the end, end. Was it?”

“The planet was uninhabitable…”

“But - it was still there, so it wasn’t technically the end of the world.” Kennith nodded firmly, happy with his point. Robot Katze meowed approvingly but provided no facts (equipped with AI, Katze 8 had learned not to get in the middle of our debates).

“The Barkeep’s right, Barkeep.” Burkly, an exhibit A, typical species of alien as imagined by humankind, weighed in drunkenly.

“Thank you, Burkly.” Kennith jumped in, assuming he was in agreement with the ‘Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy’ argument.

“Another Gibgolb, pleash, Barkeep.” Burkly pushed his empty glass in our general direction.

“15 credits.”

“Awww, I’s outta credit’s, Barkeep. What about a freebie for good old Burkly?”

“We’ve gone over this before, we don’t do freebies.” Kennith was polite but the finger he used to point at the ‘No Credits, No Service’ sign was rather menacing.

“Hrfff, how about at trade?”

“Oooo, a trade.” I muscled in. Kennith and I could do with a bit of excitement. A couple of hundred years of running a Spacepub had been fun but the novelty was wearing off.

“Vlad… no… if we do one trade, everyone will want to trade, then the place will be full of junk. You know Burkly is a talker.” Kennith complained. I could feel the strop in his aura.

“I KNOW!,” Burkly yelled, volume control on the fritz, “What’s about a giffffft? There’s a holiday somewhere… Bloshmess? No that’s next week… Lixkzet Day?”

“Lix-k-zet D-ay, was 567.56 hours a-go.” Katze 8 supplied without being asked. It was tempting to push him off the counter. “Gi-ft gi-v-ing hol-i-d-ays in pro-gress, three. Smol-sh-in, Xh-un-li-sh, B-l-oork.”

(I hope you read that in a robot voice. Flat, with unexpected pitch changes and words split into syllables - imagined or otherwise.)

“Bloork!” The green skinned alien, with a big head and tiny neck, slapped the bar and span in his stool. Ugh, he better not throw up. There was nothing that ruined my day more than Katze ‘eating’ the vomit of our patrons. “My favourite holiday.”

“Alright, gifts for Bloork day! Katze 8, pour Burkly a Gibgolb.” I smirked at the robot cat and it glared right back at me. It continued to glare at me as it squatted over Burkly’s glass and expressed a measure of Gibgolb.

“BLOORK DAY!” Burkly cheered, placing a data chip on the bartop. “My favourite holiday.”

Katze 8 ate the data chip, a light whirring followed.

“I swear, Burkly - you better not have given my cat a virus.” Kennith growled at the alien, our only customer, currently.

“Ack, Barkeep, I’m cheap but not a cheat.” He stood up, tall, naked, very green. Katze 8 did a 90 degree turn on the bar and angled his head towards the floor. “TA-DA!” He announced in a drunken baritone as lights flickered in Kazte 8’s eyes.

“Pro-ject-or mode en-gaged.” The feline-esque robot announced.

“A treasure map…” Burkly whispered excitedly, wafting his hands like a magician presenting the end of a trick.

“Humm, if this is indeed a treasure map, why haven’t you used it Burkly? We all know you could do with the credits.” I eyed Burkly suspiciously.

“Come on Vlad, Burkly is perpetually drunk. Finding his way from the bar to the bathroom is a challenge, let alone following a map.” Kennith studied the map, excitedly. His enthusiasm was adorable.

“Alright, I concede.”

Burkly had since reclaimed his seat and fallen asleep at the bar.

“Ok, so according to this map we have to go to the Milky Way, which means we have to take the Intergalactic Highway - you know that one they put where the Earth used to be.” Kennith pushed his point. “After that…”

“Hold up, hold up. Just because an intergalactic highway got built through Earth space doesn’t make it like ‘Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy’.”

“They did blow up the Earth to do it though…”

“Yes BUT it was already abandoned, none of that dolphin nonsense happened - they were already long extinct. Or the towel thing - no ear fish either! Ergo - not like ‘Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy’.”

“The AI was pretty spot on though.”

I had to give him that. There’s a chance that you have no idea what we’re talking about. Now, you know me, I normally like to explain but in this instance I think it’s probably best if you go and rustle yourself up a copy. The book, not the movie. Let’s not get into an argument about whether books are better than movies or vice versa because in most cases there is no contest. Oh, you might want an author name: Douglas Adams.

“Can’t disagree with the AI - infuriating.”

“Me-ow.” Katze 8 was indignant.

“Come off it Katze 8, don’t get your circuitry in a twist.” I patted his metal head and the projection of the map blurred. “Right, what were you saying, Kennith?”

“The first stop on the map.” He pointed at it with his bright blue shoe. Kennith’s fashion sense had developed to an extreme; for better or worse depends on your taste. My taste is for Kennith so… I don’t mind the shoes.

“Why not go straight to the final destination? We have a spaceship - it’s not like we have to go a set route.”

“Vlad!” Kennith scowled, his aura rather bristly. “If you’re not going to do it properly then we shouldn’t bother.”

My hands came up in surrender.

“Alright, Keith.”

You’re probably confused about me keep calling him Keith. Sort of a long story but small overview. When we first met I wasn’t paying attention, thought his name was Keith. Things got intense pretty fast, he basically sold me his life in exchange for me killing his sister (not as bad as it sounds - she was a deranged Vampire). After that was done and dusted… wink, wink, I learned the art of running a convenience store from Kennith which, one thing led to another and the twiglet changed his mind about becoming a snack for moi. Any who, I sort of told him that he would have to put up with him regularly calling him Keith. I’m not really doing the nuance of the situation the justice it deserves. However - there is a point, I don’t do it just to aggravate him. It is a psychological device. The purpose is to switch Kennith’s focus so he doesn’t Vamp-out.

Sometimes… well, sometimes I just can’t help myself. He is soooo much fun to tease.

“Alright, Vlada.” Kennith threw out his own jibe.

“That was a fun adventure, our very first Blip Day.” Oh, I was starting to feel all dreamy eyed. That had been an amazing 24 hours. “But onward Kennith, onward! A new adventure awaits. To the helm.”

“Hold on, what do we do about Burkly?” Kennith’s question had my march to the control panel on pause.

“Nothing? Slide him a glass of Gibgolb every now and then to keep him oblivious.” I shrugged not seeing the problem. Kennith shrugged too. “I tell you what we just have to do…”

Several thousand lightyears later

“I really thought the gift shop would be better - not particularly representative of Earth as a whole, was it?” Kennith huffed.

“If you’re not happy, we could return it…?” I placed my newly acquired tan hat on my head. It was exactly what I wanted - just like a certain whip cracking adventurer, and there was no way I was returning it.

“I didn’t say that!” He hugged Excalibur to his chest. “Just because the last homage to Earth is a pseudo-historical gift shop at the side of an intergalactic highway lined with rock fragments from the detonation doesn’t mean I love my replica of a fabled sword any less.”

“I loooove the hat and you looove the sword but, I think we both have to agree that the accessory for Katze 8 is the best.” I picked up the robot cat to admire the plastic piece of bread surrounding his metal face. Or maybe it was some sort of alloy. Don’t know, don’t care. We breaded our AI space cat.

“This is a mock-ary of AI li-fe form-s, my un-i-on rep will be hear-ing a-bout this.” Katze 8 complained.

“Hold on - your union? Katze 8, did you just tell a joke?”

“Tha-t de-pends, did you li-ke it?”

“Yes, good cat.” Kennith petted him while he purred robotically.

“You are so easily pleased.” I petted Kennith, while he petted the cat.

“So we have our adventuring equipment,” Kennith snickered, “and we are halfway to the first destination. Katze 8, what can you tell us about the first stop on the treasure map?”

We took the final turn, heading along the docking platform, back to our Spacepub that was also a ship.

“Wou-ld y-ou li-ke in-for-m-ati-on from the USRG or from the m-ap?”

“The map has notes?” My Fledgling (he was a bit old for the term but I adored him and still like to call him that) spoke with a shrill tone of excitement. “What do you think Vlad?”

“I think we are having an adventure - who needs the USBlah whatever it is.”

“The Universe Scientific Research Group but ye let’s stick to the wild side. The map it is!”

“This is such a great day off.” I took the opportunity to grab Kennith around the middle, pulling him in for a squeeze and light kiss.

“Ye ‘day off’. It’s weird, you know. No day or night in space. I miss feeling the sun set and rise.” Kennith stared into my eyes.

“I know you do, sweetness. I do too.”

“I miss a lot of things.”

“Part and parcel of living forever… best not to dwell.”

“Th-ere was an Earth doc-u-ment-ary call-ed A.I, with a ro-bot nam-ed Da-vid.” Katze 8 muscled in on our conversation. “Y-ou wi-ll not a-ban-don me? Li-ke Da-vid was?”

“Toasting marshmallows on a fire sprite, we’ll do no such thing!” Kennith grabbed Katze and me. “We love you Katze 8.”

I wasn’t going to say it but Kennith was on his own. I tolerated the robot that was it. As you know he ended up being Katze 8 instead of Katze infinity. I like 8 better. Why? Because it’s on the same key as the asterisks (*) - you know what it looks like. You know.

Taking the helm, I tipped my new hat so it sat on my head at that angle that said ‘suave’ and ‘ruggedly handsome’ before driving the ship to the coordinates from the map.

“Kennith? Is, is that a rope bridge? In space?”

“It is!” He laughed, slapping his leg. “Race you to the airlock!” My sneaky, favourite person in all of space and time, yelled. He was already halfway there, giggling as he raced through the ship.

I put the ship in park and grabbed the key. On the way to the airlock I passed Burkly, he was still passed out on the bar but probably not for too much longer. Pre-empting any issues that might arise from that (hungover aliens get up to the weirdest things) I grabbed a bottle of Kennith’s special recipe brew ‘Pineapple surprise’ and put his long green alien fingers around it.

Interesting thing about pineapples, they contain a certain enzyme that breaks down protein. When you eat a pineapple it sort of eats you back… Hence the surprise bit in Kennith’s ‘Pineapple surprise’. Burkly is going to absolutely love it.

“Vlad!! Will you hurry up!?” My eager Fledgling yelled from the airlock.

“Are we taking the cat?” Was my reply.

“Of course we are! We can’t go on an adventure without Katze 8.”

“Me-ow.” Katze added.

“Alright,” I joined the pair of them in the air lock, “got your jet pack?” I grabbed one for myself. Kennith rolled his eyes. “Is the back door locked?” I asked deadpan. “Windows all shut?” I didn’t wait for an answer, just reeled the questions off. “How about the lights? You turn off the lights?”

“Seriously, Vlad, are we going to do this for the rest of eternity?” Kennith crossed his arms over his chest, huffing. I leant over and kissed his forehead.

“Forever and a day.” I winked, noting Kennith was bringing his fake sword on our space walk. You see, Kennith has always been a bit of a worrier and back when we were trapped by daylight in our lair I would often get relentlessly grilled as to whether I’d locked the shop, switched off some appliance or another, emptied the cash register, turned off the lights and so on. It was cute; still is cute, but sadly a rare occurrence nowadays.

‘Airlock engaged’ Our ship announced. We both pressed the button on the wristbands that controlled our jet packs, turning them on. Super fancy space toys - not only did they operate as a propulsion system but they were able to produce a personal forcefield. So much better than cumbersome space suits. We didn’t need oxygen, just to be pressurised enough that the space vacuum didn’t turn us into tea kettles. I’m telling you it’s a whole different shtick from what you see in the movies.

Airlock stabilised, the outer door opened and we were free to float off into space towards the rope bridge.

‘Welcome, Adventures.’ A hologram floated in front of us as we stood on the rope bridge (it had an artificial gravity field). Something about the woman was familiar but I couldn’t put my finger on it as I was rather distracted by something I wanted to tell Kennith.

“Pssst, Kennith.” I whispered through the comms as the lady continued with her long winded greeting. “She sounds like that automated nonsense that replaced Suzie.”

Kennith gave me a ‘could-that-not-have-waited’ look before giving in and sending me a cheeky smile. Suzie was our long departed account manager for our long disconnected phone line. It was a sad day when the service became automated. ‘Press one for…’ - you know the feeling. Like when you get through all the options because, well, seems sensible to listen to them all so you know which one you need to choose but then you get nervous. Did you remember what number correspond to what option? Do you have to listen again or risk it and end up in the wrong department?

Or end up on hold…

Katze 8 sat in the centre of the bridge while I stood on one side looking extra cool in my hat and Kennith on the other, sword in hand ready to play fruit ninja.

‘You have arrived at the first challenge. Please enter your unique passcode from the map to proceed.’ There was some beeping as our A.I pet transferred the code. He could have done it silently but that was creepy. ‘Thank you, your code has been accepted. Should you complete the challenge you will receive a new, unique passcode to use at the next location.’

Kennith didn’t have to even look at me. I knew, I just knew the thought passing through his mind at that exact moment in time. Zero telepathy needed. A big fat ‘I told you so’ - that’s what he was thinking. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, Katze 8 was getting in on it as well.

“O-ne p-oi-nt to Ken-n-ith, to-tal s-core up da-ted.” Katze * (not sorry) announced. I could see Kennith’s shoulders heaving with laughter out of the corner of my eye. If you recall I had suggested we could just skip to the final destination - Kennith had said not to and he was right. We needed passcodes.

‘Challenge will begin in 30 seconds’

“Wait - what is the challenge?” My Fledgling asked the hologram.

‘A song will be randomly selected from my memory bank, correctly timed notes will score you points, there will be extra points for flare.’

“Hologram - please demonstrate.” I commanded the giant head while Kennith flapped over her limited explanation.

‘20 seconds remaining - a holographic display with key indicators will appear in front of you. You must select the corresponding keys.’

A display that looked suspiciously like guitar hero or one of those dance step games appeared a little way out from the bridge, scrolling towards us. The blobs of light were inline with different panels of the rope bridge, each panel lighting up when the blob arrived.

‘Game will begin in five -’

“The bridge is a piano.” I told Kennith over the comms.

‘Four’

“No s**t Sherlock.” He rolled his eyes.

‘Three’

“Don’t you think she looks like-”

‘Two’

“Later Vlad, get your head in the game. I want to win!”

‘One - song selected from memory bank: Dracula’s Theme, from Bram Stoker’s Dracula’

Yes, it definitely was her. I had decided.

“Katze take the middle, I’ll take the far right, Kenny,” I riled him up, “you take the left.” As the note indicators came towards us we raced for our positions.

"Extra points for flare, don't forget," Kennith reminded us. Katze 8 lit up like a disco ball. Kennith expertly swung his sword and I - "No. Absolutely not, Vlad."

"But…"

"No, you're not doing any vogue!”

“Why?” I gestured to the entire lack of audience; couldn’t exactly embarrass him in front of a hologram and some space rocks.

“Vlad, I really didn’t want to have to say this but, you’re just bad at vogue. It’s tragic.” My Fledgling decided to confess. I mean, it’s only been several hundred years… but ok, I suppose there is always something new to learn.

“And you’re just bringing this up now?”

“When else was I going to bring it up?” Kennith shrugged.

“I dunno, maybe back in the day, on Earth, when it was relevant?”

“Frame the Devil’s knickers, can we have this domestic later and just focus on the task at hand, please?” Kennith yelled down the comms.

“Wou-ld y-ou like me t-o set a re-mind-er?”

“NO.” We both yelled at Katze 8.

So… to sum up; I did not vogue, (I did some fancy tricks with my hat), Kennith danced across the keys while fighting an imaginary something or other and Katze, well, I suppose you could say he did the robot…

Ok, yeh I see why Kennith gets irritated sometimes. I am irritating.

‘Congratulations, Adventurers - you have completed the first challenge! Here is your unique passcode, please proceed to the next location’ The hologram appeared again. Fireworks of the simulated nature were going off all around us and Kennith was trying to input a name next to our high score but had succeeded in typing ‘Aaa0’. Katze 8 was probably chomping on his bytes to fix it but said nothing.

***

“What do you think the treasure is?” Kennith mused, heading towards the bar. Our jet packs had already been put away and Katze had already instructed the ship to head to the next coordinates.

“I think there were a couple of hints there.”

“Really?” My Fledgling gave me a contemplative look.

“Ugr ger?” Burkly complained from the floor, looking a little worse for wear.

“Is, is that my pineapple surprise?” Kennith said with much alarm. “Vlad, that drink needs to be served with a chaser.” He hurried behind the bar, placing his sword on the counter, while I poked Burkly with my foot. He was on the floor, drunk off his ass.

“Ag an ble snu.” The bright green alien babbled nonsensically due to his mouthful of wiggly yellow space anemones. Kennith poured the chaser straight in Burkly’s mouth, before taking the remainder of the pineapple surprise. “Ah, come off it,” Burkly, mouth now free of the anemones, reached after the bottle, “that’s the best tipple I’ve had in a while. Give it back.”

“Ehem,” Kennith fake coughed, tucking it away under the bar, “If you still feel that way after the chaser has in fact chased the space anemones out the other end… then sure, you can have the rest of the bottle.”

“Spaceballs - what the in the galaxy is in that?” Burkly pulled himself up to the bar. Kennith went through a very experimental phase with drinks and the pineapple surprise was the most interesting one, as well as being consumable by almost every species. A pineapple surprise contained no pineapple, it was called that because it nibbles you back. Jam packed with yellow space anemone eggs that hatch inside of you, it gets you extra drunk because their by product is alcohol.

‘Hyperdrive disengaged, destination reached’

“That was fast. Computer,” I tried and failed to keep a smile off my face as Burkly poked his green belly. Those yellow space anemones were pretty tickly. “Confirm coordinates.”

‘Coordinates confirmed’

“No, computer, what are the coordinates of our current location.”

‘Vladimir Pierce, level 3, -’

“Computer, stop, just stop,” For the love of Lilith’s stilettos, A.I was such a nightmare. Stupid thing giving me my coordinates on the ship schematics.

“Vlad, how many times do I have to tell you, you need to be clearer with your instructions when speaking to the ship.” My Fledgling poured a glibgolb for Burkly and slid it down the bar.

“Thanks, Barkeep.” Burkly knocked it back while petting Katze 8.

“Katze 8, are we at the second map location?” I asked the more reasonable of the two computers.

“Yes, Vl-ad.” Katze 8 answered between the purring sound he was playing for Burkly.

“Come on then, Kennith my sweet, let’s go.” I adjusted my hat, and my feet, ready to race to the airlock.

“In a bit.” Kennith took a cloth and started cleaning down the bar top. It was quite perplexing, this change in my Fledglings behaviour. Did he not want to continue with our adventure? I was going to ask but Kennith noticed. I mean, it wasn’t hard to notice that I was standing in the middle of the room, mouth half open. Kennith gave a pointed look in Burkly’s direction.

‘What?’ I mouthed. My poor brain, I was too old to keep up. Kennith gave me a smile that said ‘you’re daft’, while pouring me a glass of synthetic blood. “Thanks ‘Barkeep’.” Chuckling, I sat at the bar, waiting for ‘in a bit’ to occur.