Endless Adventure

Pickled - S. Liongate (part two)

In a bit

“Oooo, my squirgloly!” Burkly leapt to his feet, gripping his naked green buttocks before performing a comical, posterior clenched waddle to the bathroom. Sound effects were included, generously so. Squeaky tooting and airy trumpeting from Burkly’s squirgloly (butt hole to you and me) punctuated by ‘oh no’ had me in stitches.

“Katze 8, you’re on pest control duty.” Kennith declared after a particularly large boom followed by something that sounded suspiciously like ‘Oh, mothership save me’. Katze 8 meowed before running off to follow orders.

“Eww, Kennith can we not get the ship to run a decontamination program instead?”

“After what happened last time? I think not.” Kennith, hands on hips tapped one foot against the polished floor. “Right, let’s go, handsome.”

You probably want to know what happened last time, well that is a completely different story and, no matter what Kennith tells you, it definitely wasn’t my fault.

“Don’t we need Katze 8 for the codes?” And for the adventure. Kennith would miss having the little * around.

“Huh, I suppose we do.” Kennith called him back before speaking to the ship's computer as we walked to the airlock. “Computer, pineapple surprise protocol one.”

‘PSP1 activated’

“You have a protocol in place?”

“Well…” he widened his eyes at me, throwing some blame in my direction, “I had to do something after last time…”

“No wonder the ship doesn't listen to me if you have all these secret codes in place.” I gripped.

“Sure, that’s why the ship doesn’t listen to you.” My usually sweet Fledgling rolled his eyes. “Oh, and you shouldn’t be laughing at our customers, it’s bad for business.”

“Um, why did we hang around then?” His scolding perplexed me. I’d kind of figured that was the purpose of waiting - to see Burkly dance his way to the bathroom.

“I wanted to see it, obviously, but we laugh later.” Kennith grinned, fangs poking out. “I made sure the ship recorded it.”

‘Air lock activated’

Once again we donned the necessary equipment for our space walk.

“Do you do that a lot? Record the antics of our patrons?”

Kennith looked very naughty. Like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar (FYI Kennith often had his literal hand in the literal cookie jar).

“Th-ere are o-ver four thou-sand st-ored clips. Wo-uld you like an e-xact nu-mber?” Katze 8 interjected.

“Four thousand clips? Kennith…” He elbowed me lightly while I snickered.

“I thought it would be cute, you know, when we pack in the Spacepub. A sort of scrapbook of funniest moments.”

“When the day comes, I look forward to spending… Kazte 8?”

“Eight po-int five, ni-ne, th-ree, se-v-en, five d-ays.”

“Eight point five nine three seven five days watching them with you.” With a little peck on his cheek I pressed the button on his wrist, activating the jet pack. “But for now,” I pressed my own button before speaking down the comms, “onward!”

We headed out, only to find another rope bridge. I hadn’t expected another rope bridge but I also hadn’t not expected another rope bridge. A sort of paradox. Standing in the centre of the bridge we waited for the hologram to appear.

“Katze 8, is it broken?” Kennith fidgeted, impatient. I noted he had left his sword behind. Humm, perhaps I could go back for it. The robot cat made some arbitrary beeping noises and the hologram flickered.

‘System reset. Welcome Adventures! Present your unique code.’ Katze did some more beeping. ‘Thank you, your code has been accepted. Should you complete the challenge you will receive a new, unique passcode to use at the next location.’ Two guns materialised, silver with an LCD display.

‘Challenge will begin in 30 seconds’

“Computer, what is the challenge?” Kennith asked while I reached for a gun.

‘You will have three minutes to eliminate as many bats as possible using the provided laser weapons. They have three settings, single fire, rapid fire, lightsaber mode. Head shots and insta kills earn more points.’

“Katze 8, fetch Kennith’s sword.” I spoke to the robot directly. Smoking gargoyle butts! They had lightsabre mode. “And duct tape.”

Yep, that’s right, duct tape is still a thing. Seriously, you can fix everything with that stuff. Main item in both the first aid kit and the ship maintenance bag.

‘Game will begin in 20 seconds’

“Computer… pause.” It was worth a shot. No way Katze was getting back in 20 seconds.

‘Program paused’

Humm, that was handy. Kennith turned to me, “What?” His aura bubbled with annoyance.

“You forgot your sword.” I rolled my hat down my arm, and flicked it back to land on my head.

“Cute, but the game comes with guns. Fun. Reminds me of the arcade or the funfare.” He poked the LCD screen. “Ooo, it has a fourth mode.”

“Huh, let me see.” A quick poke of the screen had me discovering option four as well. “Ooo, why didn’t the computer tell us about this option?” I pulled the trigger, throwing my arm out to test it. A long laser whip, in bright green, came out the end of the gun.

“That looks impossible. You’re gonna end up cutting the bridge in half, or your leg off.” He sighed down the comms.

“Keith, don’t be so pessimistic. These are just synthesised, glorified torches - you can’t -” Kennith grabbed my wrist.

“Vlad… could you perhaps test this theory after we complete the challenge and maybe not on the bridge we are standing on.” My Fledgling growled, dangerously.

“Oooo, Kenny, it’s so hot when you get all bossy.” His hand on my wrist was pretty tight, and the twitch in his eye told me he was legitimately annoyed by my antics. “When we’re done here you should boss me around on the ship.” The twitch moved from his eyes to his lips.

“Wo-ud you li-ke -” Katze 8 interrupted our moment and … well, Kennith discovered he was right about the synthesised laser guns.

“Noooo, no, Katze!!” He dropped to his knees, inspecting the sparking, smoking hole from where he had accidently shot our A.I pet. “Katze 8?” He held the robot’s face, peering into his artificial eyes.

“Sy-st-em fa-il-ure im-min-ent.” Katze 8 said in his flat robot voice.

“Vald, Vlad what do we do!? I killed our cat.” Kennith sobbed.

“Put some duct tape on it, he’ll be fine.”

“Vlad, this is serious, duct tape isn’t going to fix it.” He looked up at me with tears in his eyes, more smoke came out of Katze 8, followed by a whirring, some flickering lights and then he powered down.

“Kennith, my sweetness, Katze is fine.”

“How can you say that! Look at him.” He stroked the lifeless cat. The cat was a robot. He had always been lifeless. “It was all my fault, I killed him.” Kennith whispered, crying softly. Satan carve my heart out with a spoon. I’d always been so careful with him; training him from day one to keep his cool and not kill his lunch or anything else so he hadn’t had much exposure to killing things (Ok, for clarity - I mean he doesn’t have exposure to killing those he is attached to). I got down on my knees next to him.

“Kennith - he’s a robot -”

“I knew it, I knew you never cared about him!”

“Hey, hey, I never said that - I was going to say; he’s a robot, so you can take his memory chip and we can put him in another anamorphic robot body or if the chip is damaged then the ship makes a backup every time he leaves. He’d lose what? 40 seconds from the airlock to here?” I soothed, rubbing his back.

“Oh, oh yeh, yeh, I forgot.” He sniffed, still stroking a slightly smoking Katze.

“Let’s do the challenge and then we can take him back to the ship.” Grabbing the sword and the duct tape, I taped my gun to the pommel; setting it to lightsaber mode. “Here, your excali-saber Sir Kennith.”

“You mean King Kennith.” He took it with a cheeky wink.

“King Kennith it is.” I bowed,

Obviously we beat the game. Those computer generated bats never stood a chance. Kennith sliced them in half, channelling his inner Jedi while I blasted their little faces off. I wanted to use the elusive forth mode but Kennith had pointed out that the hologram hadn’t listed it as one of the options… So I had relented but not before he’d lectured me. That was nice - like old times. Kennith entered ‘Aaa0’ again. I didn’t say anything. Afterall we had to keep it the same on each game now; no point fussing about it.

Back on the ship

“Beep, boop, system-calibration in pro-gre-ss.” Katze 8 whirred. His data chip had been intact but Kennith decided he didn’t want his ‘sweety kitty’ remembering that he’d shot him, so we downloaded the backup. The little * would be none the wiser.

“So… you replaced the whole robot but it’s still the same robot?” Burkly scratched his head, looking at Katze 8 through the bottom of his empty glass.

“Well, it’s like when you have a broom and the bristles wear out so you replace that part, then the handle breaks so… you replace the handle.” I shrugged. “Still the same broom.”

“Coooouple of queeestions -” Burkly slurred drunkenly. “Whaasa boom?”

“Broom,” a little deja-vu was creeping in. Brooms were seriously outdated ‘technology’ - same as hourglasses and dial-up. Over my existence I’d had to explain more than one piece of outdated technology. “A manually operated device for pushing debris into a pile.”

“Sounds po-po-poh-” Burkly sneezed and a couple of yellow space anemones came flying out.

“Calibration com-ple-te.”

“Perfect timing. Katze 8, pest control mode.” Kennith pointed that mean finger of his at the yellow anemones wiggling around on the floor.

“Me-ow.” Katze 8 leapt into action.

“Ewww.” I grimaced, watching him. The robot opened his mouth, sprayed the anemone with some substance before slurping it up.

“Hey, you gave Burkly the drink.” Kennith reminded me. “Oh, Katze 8, give the ship the coordinates for the next map location.”

‘Coordinates received’ The ship announced after some beeping from Katze 8 who was spraying another anemone.

‘Hyperdrive disengaged, destination reached’

“Hold on, hold on - how can we be there already?”

“Hyperdrive is fast, Vlad.” Burkly chimed, reaching over the bar.

“Hey, no.” Kennith slapped the back of Burkly’s hand. “Who’s the Barkeep?”

“Errr…” A long green finger hovered indecisively as he tried to choose between us.

“Burkly… you do know there are two of us, right? You’re not seeing double.” I supplied. He squinted, big alien eyes shifting between the two of us.

“All you humans look the same.” Burkly shook his head, lowering the finger.

“Not human, Vampires.” Kennith informed him.

“Vampires is just preserved humans, you’re pickled - not a different species.”

I blinked. Once, twice, three times. I added a four and five for good measure.

Pickled humans? Pickled humans? The indignity. Thinking we all looked the same I could forgive but we were Vampires, creatures infused with the essence of hell - I was not pickled.

“Pour the alien another drink and let’s go do this final challenge.” I looked Kennith in the eye and mouthed ‘Pineapple Surprise’. That’ll teach him. Well, probably not but I’ll enjoy watching the clip one day in the future.

“Thank’s Barkeep.” Burkly knocked it back while Kennith and I headed to the airlock.

On the rope bridge

“What do you think, Kennith?”

“I think you’re right Vlad.” My soul purred at those words. I looked around to see if Katze 8 was listening. That little * needed add a point in my favour. “This is the same rope bridge.”

‘Welcome, Adventures’ The hologram started.

“Katze - are all the coordinates for the map ‘locations’ the same?”

“No.” The robot answered.

“But this is the same rope bridge?”

“Yes.”

“Kennith… speak to your cat.” I was close to kicking the AI; frustrating, annoying, unhelpful thing that it was.

“Katze 8, please elaborate.”

“The ro-pe bri-dge is the sa-me but coordinates co-rres-pond to diff-erent lo-cation-s su-rrounding the bri-dge. P-l-acing the ship in the spe-ci-fied lo-cation pow-ers the co-rrect cha-llen-ge via en-er-gy tra-nsfer.” Katze 8 explained. I was betting if I’d asked the exact same question I would have gotten the dictionary definition of ‘yes’. Important thing here was I was right but also another clue. The game was sucking energy from our ship. How - fitting.

‘Challenge will begin in 30 seconds’

“Computer - what is the challenge?”

‘Bridge - it will begin in 20 seconds’

“Computer, demonstrate.” Bridge? It couldn’t possibly be the card game. I mean that would be ridiculous.

‘You must stand at the indicated end of the bridge.’ One end lit up so we moved there. ‘The bridge will continuously move forward. Use the left toggle to turn left, the right toggle to turn right.’ The posts on either side of the bridge lit up correspondingly. ‘Collect panels to extend your bridge and score points. Running into the bridge or the game perimeter will end the game.’ The perimeter of the game zone flashed.

“So we are playing Snake?” I rolled my eyes. Who renames such a classic?

‘The game is bridge - 5 seconds remaining’

“Snake.” Kennith smiled at me, indicating that I should take the lead. Back when the game had first come out at the arcade Kennith and I had spent hours playing.

‘Four, Three, Two, One’

The bridge lurched and I swivelled my head looking for the first piece. It was decidedly different driving the snake, sorry, rope bridge, in first person rather than looking at it from a birds eye view.

“Kennith, My sweet, you locate the bridge pieces and I’ll focus on not running into ourselves or the end of the game zone.”

“Aye, aye Captain.” He snickered.

“Me-ow?” Katze 8 implored.

“Katze 8, play power ballads!” Kennith roared with excitement. “Three O’clock!” He laughed as Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing’ started to play. Very apt.

The bridge rattled and groaned as we made sharp turns every which way. Each time we engulfed a plank or a piece of rope the whole thing clattered and shuddered adding to the length. We had just reached the point where the end was inevitable when -

‘Maximum possible score reached, level two unlocked’

“Vlad, above us!” Kennith yelled as the game board became 3D. I yanked back on the left and right ‘toggle’ (the end posts of the bridge), hoping that was how this thing worked. “Wahooooo!” Came the cry from behind me as we flew vertically, the bridge's forcefield keeping us glued to the bridge. I imagined he was waving his arms in the air as if we were on a roller coaster. Katze began playing Queen - ‘We are the Champions’, hologram fireworks started exploding all over the place and the computer announced -

‘Congratulations, Adventurers! You have won. Cease play when you are ready to claim your prize!’

Obviously we kept going. It was an absolute blast. I would like you to know that we did not lose… we played until the ship ran out of power from running the game and then we had to switch to the back up and call a tow - whoops.

“Computer!” Kennith was bouncing with excitement. “What is our prize?”

‘Adventures, your valour, perseverance and honourable performance has won you an all expenses, all inclusive trip to (there was a drumroll right here) Draculand - the best theme park in the universe!’

Kennith looked at me, and I looked at him right back. Draculand. Dracula land…

“We won.” Kennith whispered breathily. “Do you think Drac will be there? We haven’t seen him in ages. Oh, Vlad, that was an amazing adventure.”

“Kennith - that was fun but…” I cupped his face, a little worry shone in his eyes - as if I might say I didn’t want to go to Draculand, “you are the most amazing adventure.”

“O-ne po-int to Vlad.”

“Good cat.” I whispered, looking into Kennith’s eyes, my true universe.

P.S, the hologram for the games was Dracula’s girlfriend (one of many). I just didn’t want to give the game away - although you probably wouldn't have guessed Draculand.